Wedding 911

my parents cancelled my wedding

I was going to elope with my fiance since we cant afford to pay for a wedding/ reception party and then my parents stepped in offered to pay for a wedding...   we wanted something small and under 100 people but my parents wanted something big and lavish of at least 200-300.. ironically, they couldn't stick within the budget they set since they kept wanting to add more and more people. my mother ordered the save the dates and ordered twice as many save the dates and handed them out to random people telling me afterwards that they were also a "wedding announcement" as well.    once we finally got everything booked, my mother then continually threatened not to pay the vendors and called them to have the contracts rewritten into my name. needless to say, I wasn't going to sign contracts i couldn't pay so she ended up cancelling the wedding.  She then blamed my fiance and I by telling everyone that we cancelled it and really didn't want a wedding after all and that my fiance and i are being disrespectful to the family by not including anyone. Now my fiance and I are left dealing with the aftermath.. and my mother trying to turn the entire family against us.   ( I also recently found out she has NPD, so now her actions are making a lot more sense) 

Re: my parents cancelled my wedding

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Elopement is definitely the answer. I'm sorry you have to deal with a parent with NPD. That really sucks.
    [Deleted User]
  • I am sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

    Elope.

    Do not feel obligated to plan/pay for/partake in a wedding because you are doing it for someone else.

    If you are able, and you know who STDs were sent to (sounds like you might not), sending out announcements that your wedding is cancelled, would be appropriate. The wording OliveOilsMom posted regarding this is correct and all you need to say.

    You can definitely be honest and direct if anyone brings up the wedding to you, but I wouldn't go around trying to damage control otherwise- just let it be.

    It would also be appropriate to send wedding announcements after you elope.

    Keep your mom out of any current wedding plans.
    [Deleted User]
  • definitely all great insights and suggestions. thank you for sharing and helping to validate me.  its good to know that I'm not alone and that other people have had experience with mothers with NPD.  thank you!
    MesmrEwe
  • I'm so sorry this has happened. PPs have all offered good advice. I just wanted to add that there have been other threads here from brides in similar situations. NPD has been discussed several times, and I instantly thought of this thread about parents cancelling a wedding after STDs had gone out if you would like to read the advice given there as well.

  • A couple things after reading the entire thread...

    You may want to invest into some premarital counseling - many churches require this as part of marriage preparation, so there's no stigma here.  There is a crap-ton of stuff you're going to have to wade through including setting healthy boundaries, "rules of engagement" because this all does take an emotional toll so working the issues out on the front-end will make your married life easier for the long term.  But also just marriage issues in general we recommend it here to everyone on the path to marriage, but especially when there are dynamics like this at play. 

    Next, I wholeheartedly agree with the PP in that go ahead and tell the family busybody aunt/uncle what's REALLY going on and that it was an issue that they said they'd pay for stuff then couldn't and you cannot afford the big event so cancelled because it's not financially responsible to plan something you cannot afford even though if you won the lottery it'd be a different discussion. 

    When it comes to planning the elopement, remember you do not need to choose an overpriced expensive destination, you can "Elope at home".  If you want them there, you send them an invite (clearance rack invite kit from Walmart or Office Max)  "just as you would any other guest" with no room for "photocopy and send out their own copies", and if they show up, wonderful, if not, be at peace with it.  Do what you originally wanted and can afford.

    As for the STD cards that were given out, since it sounds like your Mom has already communicated the cancellation with everyone you should be o.k. but you could have some cheap postcards printed online that say "The wedding of B&G will not be taking place on (Date) as planned.  A marriage announcement will be forthcoming"  Because you are dealing with a "bigger issue" and this way they know you're still getting married just not the formal wedding so put the rumor mill at bay... 

    Then I'd go ahead once you have your official date set and have the announcements printed (or print them yourself on some clearance rack invite kits since you can use the "return cards" to be formatted as additional announcements to keep the cost down) and addressed/ready to be sent the day-of your wedding. 

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  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
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    edited September 2016
    Vistaprint.com does lovely marriage announcements very cheaply.
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    MesmrEwecowgirl8238
  • definitely all great insights and suggestions. thank you for sharing and helping to validate me.  its good to know that I'm not alone and that other people have had experience with mothers with NPD.  thank you!
    You are definitely not alone! My FMIL has not been diagnosed but has all the signs of NPD as well and has pushed FI and I to the point of elopement. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It is wonderful to know your FH has stuck so close to you and you are working through the stress together. I wish you all the best in your future marriage!
    [Deleted User]Vivandiere8
  • Everyone here has been giving some excellent advice! Glad you are finding help through it all.

    I just want to add that your parents cancelling is probably a blessing in disguise. From what you said so far I have a feeling the entire thing would have been horribly stressful and unhappy, and left you wishing you had never agreed to it. The one highlight might have literally been saying your vows. It should be your special day, and one full of love and happiness for you and those surrounding you. Some high maintenance brides feel their day was "ruined" because the flower girl lifted her dress over her head, or a pregnant bridesmaid wore flats instead of the four inch heels she was suppose to... but I think your situation does cross that lines of heading for becoming a day truly filled with stress and unhappiness through no fault of your own. Your Aunts idea is a good one. Keep it simple, have the people around you who support you. If you still want to elope do that, but at this point it might feel extra nice to be reminded you do have friends and family who are not going along with the unfortunate drama.

    Keep us updated!
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  • Everyone here has been giving some excellent advice! Glad you are finding help through it all.

    I just want to add that your parents cancelling is probably a blessing in disguise. From what you said so far I have a feeling the entire thing would have been horribly stressful and unhappy, and left you wishing you had never agreed to it. The one highlight might have literally been saying your vows. It should be your special day, and one full of love and happiness for you and those surrounding you. Some high maintenance brides feel their day was "ruined" because the flower girl lifted her dress over her head, or a pregnant bridesmaid wore flats instead of the four inch heels she was suppose to... but I think your situation does cross that lines of heading for becoming a day truly filled with stress and unhappiness through no fault of your own. Your Aunts idea is a good one. Keep it simple, have the people around you who support you. If you still want to elope do that, but at this point it might feel extra nice to be reminded you do have friends and family who are not going along with the unfortunate drama.

    Keep us updated!
    image
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