FILs inviting people to rehearsal, not invited to wedding

KnickerGold

Very early on in the planning FI and I decided not to include children of friends for a variety of reasons. All were ok with this. 
A few days after invites were sent, I got a text from one of FIs friends' wives asking if her kids could come to the wedding - I said we weren't able to accommodate. All is good. 

Well, come to find out, FI's parents invited those kids (5 under 5) and their grandmothers to the rehearsal- so now all 9 of them are flying to NY for our wedding. FILs also put a 'buy the couple a gift here' link on the rehearsal invite (without my knowledge) but that's another story. 

What do I do? The wedding is in a couple weeks and we do not have room for 7 extra people, nor do I think it's fair that now one of our friends' could bring their kids...But it's odd that someone coming to the rehearsal dinner (less than half the size of the reception)  isn't coming to the wedding. On top of that, there are numerous family members we would have invited had we known there was extra room...

help?

STARMOON44

Leave it alone. They're coming too late to change it. You did everything you could and you don't need to now invite them to the wedding. 

Jen4948

It's on your FILs, not you, that they invited people who are not wedding guests. I'd leave things be. If anyone gives you or your FI a hard time that these extra guests aren't wedding guests, just say that you didn't plan or host the rehearsal dinner.

southernbelle0915

Yes, it's your FIL's "problem" to fix. But they probably won't and when you see these 7 people at the wedding ceremony, you'll probably only be thinking the whole time "shit, how am I going to handle the reception? we need an extra table, we need chairs..." Technically and etiquette wise, none of these things are your "problem" since these are not people you invited. However, if you're like me, you'll probably spend your energy focusing on it anyway and it'll put a stain on the mood of the day.

So I think your FI needs to have an honest conversation with his parents. Did they invite these people to the actual wedding and reception? If so, they need to tell them they can't actually come - you already have food orders in, you're at space capacity, etc. If it's clear they're not going to fix the problem, then I would have an extra table ready and order extra food just in case. Really for yourself and your own peace of mind so you can ignore the issue when it inevitably  happens. Etiquette wise, you don't have to do any of that. If you decide to, it'd only be because it would help you focus on the day.

STARMOON44

southernbelle0915 said:

Yes, it's your FIL's "problem" to fix. But they probably won't and when you see these 7 people at the wedding ceremony, you'll probably only be thinking the whole time "shit, how am I going to handle the reception? we need an extra table, we need chairs..." Technically and etiquette wise, none of these things are your "problem" since these are not people you invited. However, if you're like me, you'll probably spend your energy focusing on it anyway and it'll put a stain on the mood of the day.

So I think your FI needs to have an honest conversation with his parents. Did they invite these people to the actual wedding and reception? If so, they need to tell them they can't actually come - you already have food orders in, you're at space capacity, etc. If it's clear they're not going to fix the problem, then I would have an extra table ready and order extra food just in case. Really for yourself and your own peace of mind so you can ignore the issue when it inevitably  happens. Etiquette wise, you don't have to do any of that. If you decide to, it'd only be because it would help you focus on the day.

These people have already been told they are not invited to the wedding though. They're just included in the rehearsal dinner. I wouldn't order anything extra- if FILs say "oh yeah we said they could come to the wedding to" pick up the phone, call them, and tell them they cannot. 

redwoodoriginal

STARMOON44 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Yes, it's your FIL's "problem" to fix. But they probably won't and when you see these 7 people at the wedding ceremony, you'll probably only be thinking the whole time "shit, how am I going to handle the reception? we need an extra table, we need chairs..." Technically and etiquette wise, none of these things are your "problem" since these are not people you invited. However, if you're like me, you'll probably spend your energy focusing on it anyway and it'll put a stain on the mood of the day.

So I think your FI needs to have an honest conversation with his parents. Did they invite these people to the actual wedding and reception? If so, they need to tell them they can't actually come - you already have food orders in, you're at space capacity, etc. If it's clear they're not going to fix the problem, then I would have an extra table ready and order extra food just in case. Really for yourself and your own peace of mind so you can ignore the issue when it inevitably  happens. Etiquette wise, you don't have to do any of that. If you decide to, it'd only be because it would help you focus on the day.

These people have already been told they are not invited to the wedding though. They're just included in the rehearsal dinner. I wouldn't order anything extra- if FILs say "oh yeah we said they could come to the wedding to" pick up the phone, call them, and tell them they cannot. 

But have they REALLY been told they're not invited to the wedding?? Who thefuck buys a plane ticket and plans a whole OOT to attend JUST a rehearsal dinner? I'd bet my ass they show up to the wedding and FILs play dumb. 

short+sassy

redwoodoriginal said:

STARMOON44 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Yes, it's your FIL's "problem" to fix. But they probably won't and when you see these 7 people at the wedding ceremony, you'll probably only be thinking the whole time "shit, how am I going to handle the reception? we need an extra table, we need chairs..." Technically and etiquette wise, none of these things are your "problem" since these are not people you invited. However, if you're like me, you'll probably spend your energy focusing on it anyway and it'll put a stain on the mood of the day.

So I think your FI needs to have an honest conversation with his parents. Did they invite these people to the actual wedding and reception? If so, they need to tell them they can't actually come - you already have food orders in, you're at space capacity, etc. If it's clear they're not going to fix the problem, then I would have an extra table ready and order extra food just in case. Really for yourself and your own peace of mind so you can ignore the issue when it inevitably  happens. Etiquette wise, you don't have to do any of that. If you decide to, it'd only be because it would help you focus on the day.

These people have already been told they are not invited to the wedding though. They're just included in the rehearsal dinner. I wouldn't order anything extra- if FILs say "oh yeah we said they could come to the wedding to" pick up the phone, call them, and tell them they cannot. 

But have they REALLY been told they're not invited to the wedding?? Who thefuck buys a plane ticket and plans a whole OOT to attend JUST a rehearsal dinner? I'd bet my ass they show up to the wedding and FILs play dumb. 

I could see where maybe the couple sees it as a family vacation opportunity.  So they have brought a set of grandparents along to enjoy the vacation with them and watch the kids while they are at the wedding.  Since they have already been told the kids won't be invited.

But I'd also suggest the OP have her fiancé TRIPLE CHECK with his parents that no wedding invitation was even implied.  Probably better to check with the couple themselves, though I could see where that would be awkward if they already perfectly well understand that the kids aren't invited and that is why they are bringing the grandparents on the trip.

southernbelle0915

STARMOON44 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Yes, it's your FIL's "problem" to fix. But they probably won't and when you see these 7 people at the wedding ceremony, you'll probably only be thinking the whole time "shit, how am I going to handle the reception? we need an extra table, we need chairs..." Technically and etiquette wise, none of these things are your "problem" since these are not people you invited. However, if you're like me, you'll probably spend your energy focusing on it anyway and it'll put a stain on the mood of the day.

So I think your FI needs to have an honest conversation with his parents. Did they invite these people to the actual wedding and reception? If so, they need to tell them they can't actually come - you already have food orders in, you're at space capacity, etc. If it's clear they're not going to fix the problem, then I would have an extra table ready and order extra food just in case. Really for yourself and your own peace of mind so you can ignore the issue when it inevitably  happens. Etiquette wise, you don't have to do any of that. If you decide to, it'd only be because it would help you focus on the day.

These people have already been told they are not invited to the wedding though. They're just included in the rehearsal dinner. I wouldn't order anything extra- if FILs say "oh yeah we said they could come to the wedding to" pick up the phone, call them, and tell them they cannot. 

These people are flying in from NY. I would be really surprised if they're doing that under the impression they're only attending a rehearsal dinner and they're not invited to the wedding. It sounds like the FIL's in this case might be telling these people they're invited to everything. Personally, I would want to clear that up. Of course this couple can say "they can't come to the wedding". And they should. But if they're dealing with family members who are doing shit like this, I would put some additional things in place for my own peace of mind.

kahluakoala

I went to a wedding once that was a destination wedding for most guests (it was where the couple lived, but a 5-6 hour flight for most family members of the couple). Kids were not invited, but realizing that many guests were planning to take it as a family vacation they invited / allowed kids at the hosted welcome party (which they had in lieu of a RD). It worked out really well for a lot of people and I think it was a nice touch. 

Hopefully this is something like that? It really couldn't hurt to check.

DrillSergeantCat

@KnickerGold did the parents RSVP yes to the wedding?

KnickerGold

Yes, parents are attending the wedding, and asked if the kids were invited as they weren't sure as their names weren't on the invite. I told them no, and the wife was fine with that and said they'd find a babysitter for the two they were bringing. 
Now, 9 of them are flying up. 
I'll have FI double check with them, just to be sure. 
I still think it's pretty crappy tho, since a number of his friends are leaving their kids at home as they weren't invited, so his parents invited only these non-family kids. It's just so weird

DrillSergeantCat

KnickerGold said:

Yes, parents are attending the wedding, and asked if the kids were invited as they weren't sure as their names weren't on the invite. I told them no, and the wife was fine with that and said they'd find a babysitter for the two they were bringing. 
Now, 9 of them are flying up. 
I'll have FI double check with them, just to be sure. 
I still think it's pretty crappy tho, since a number of his friends are leaving their kids at home as they weren't invited, so his parents invited only these non-family kids. It's just so weird

As other's have mentioned, they may be treating this like a family vacation. You were clear that the kids weren't invited and she agreed.

MesmrEwe

So - what happens when they say they were planning to bring the kids to the ceremony and NOT the reception - that they've hired a sitter for the reception?  Just something to think about...

flantastic

MesmrEwe said:

So - what happens when they say they were planning to bring the kids to the ceremony and NOT the reception - that they've hired a sitter for the reception?  Just something to think about...

Wasn't there something about the grandparents also coming to the rehearsal dinner? So I presume grandparents (also not invited to wedding) would be watching kids.

BIL and SIL asked SIL's parents to come up for our wedding - their kids were invited, but I think they figured both the parents and the kids would have more fun if the kids went with the grandparents after the ceremony. Grandparents (who were not invited to the wedding) and kids came to the ceremony, then I think went to the children's museum or something. Ceremony was in a church (technically open to all) so I didn't mind the extra ceremony guests.