Wedding Party trouble?

Knottie1464657432

Hi! I am looking for advice. Please honestly tell me if I am being too difficult or a bridezilla. So here's what's going on. 

My Fiancé and I are getting married in two months, and we have had our wedding party set almost since we got engaged in the spring. All of his brothers and his brother in law are groomsmen, and all my sisters and his sister are bridesmaids. 

Here is where the issue comes in. My mom decided this weekend that she is no longer okay with the fact my older brother is not a member of the wedding party. He is an usher, still getting a tux, and is playing some of the music for the ceremony, so I do not feel that I'm excluding him. It's just that my fiancé is not close to my brother at all, and I haven't been in recent years, as he struggled with a drug problem with no desire to get help. I still wanted him to feel included in some way, but not in such a place of honor as being a groomsmen. 

Am I being difficult? Please tell me if I am being unreasonable. I don't want to change it, because I am happy with the way it is, but if I am being awful, I want to know. We could figure out a way to rework the wedding party.

crowsgirl15

No one but the groom should get a say in the groom's side of the wedding party, which should be his nearest and dearest.

If you would like to include him in the wedding party, he should be included on your side, as you are the one who is closer to him. That being said, you should not feel obligated to do so if you don't feel close enough to bring him in.

My one question: is she paying for the wedding?

Knottie1464657432

She is paying for about half of it. I am paying for my brothers tux since he recently lost his job. I feel like I should also mention my brother is happy with how he is included and doesnt even want to be a groomsman. My mother is just concerned with how it will look to all of her friends when all of my finance and mines combined siblings are standing up with us and my brother playing the keyboard off to the side. 

charlotte989875

Knottie1464657432 said:

Hi! I am looking for advice. Please honestly tell me if I am being too difficult or a bridezilla. So here's what's going on. 

My Fiancé and I are getting married in two months, and we have had our wedding party set almost since we got engaged in the spring. All of his brothers and his brother in law are groomsmen, and all my sisters and his sister are bridesmaids. 

Here is where the issue comes in. My mom decided this weekend that she is no longer okay with the fact my older brother is not a member of the wedding party. He is an usher, still getting a tux, and is playing some of the music for the ceremony, so I do not feel that I'm excluding him. It's just that my fiancé is not close to my brother at all, and I haven't been in recent years, as he struggled with a drug problem with no desire to get help. I still wanted him to feel included in some way, but not in such a place of honor as being a groomsmen. 

Am I being difficult? Please tell me if I am being unreasonable. I don't want to change it, because I am happy with the way it is, but if I am being awful, I want to know. We could figure out a way to rework the wedding party.

Knottie1464657432 said:

She is paying for about half of it. I am paying for my brothers tux since he recently lost his job. I feel like I should also mention my brother is happy with how he is included and doesnt even want to be a groomsman. My mother is just concerned with how it will look to all of her friends when all of my finance and mines combined siblings are standing up with us and my brother playing the keyboard off to the side. 

Even if your mother is paying for part of the wedding that doesn entitle her to decide who stands up on your FI's side. I would tell her "Mom, FI has decided who his GM's are, brother is included and is happy about his role. Please drop this. No one will care if brother is playing rather than standing during the ceremony". If she tries to bring it up again, change the subject, redirect her to something else. You may need to do this repeatedly, but you're definitely not wrong here, she is. 

Jen4948

The wedding party is one of the few areas of wedding planning in which paying does not give a say.

The only ones who have the right to decide who is in the wedding party are the couple -- and each one only has the right to choose his or her respective attendants, not the other's.

Since your FI didn't choose your brother, and he's fine with his roles in the wedding, your mother needs to back off. The next time she brings it up, I'd just tell her, "Mom, I'm sorry you're not happy, but you're the only one who has a problem with it, so please consider the subject closed."

geebee908

Your mother is being unreasonable. IF her friends notice and talk about it, it will be about 30 seconds of their conversation and they won't give another thought to it. 

STARMOON44

"Mom, I'm happy, FI is happy, and brother is happy. It will look like brother is contributing a special skill. Please stop trying to make trouble when there is no problem."

crowsgirl15

Knottie1464657432 said:

She is paying for about half of it. I am paying for my brothers tux since he recently lost his job. I feel like I should also mention my brother is happy with how he is included and doesnt even want to be a groomsman. My mother is just concerned with how it will look to all of her friends when all of my finance and mines combined siblings are standing up with us and my brother playing the keyboard off to the side. 

I was honestly only curious, as there is a chance she uses it as an excuse for why she can dictate it.

She has no right to tell you who should be in your wedding party. I'd keep telling her no and redirecting! Sounds like you have everyone's feelings in mind.

downtondiva

Your mother does not get to decide who either you or your FI includes in your wedding party, regardless of whether she is paying for anything. Next time she brings it up, tell her the subject is closed. You guys have not done anything wrong.

ei34

My brother and DH's sisters weren't in our wedding party, and (at least to my knowledge) no one thought negatively about it.  Reiterate to your mother that you, your FI, and brother are all happy with the current arrangement. 

DrillSergeantCat

I think people think their guests pay way more attention to the minor details than they do. As the bride, yes, you'll notice the little things, but guests typically don't I can't remember a single wedding I've been to where I've thought, "Oh how strange that XYZ is or isn't happening" as long as I've been properly hosted.

jacques27

I will concede that maybe some people care, but in my experience no one outside of the people actually in the wedding actually give a damn about who is in the wedding.  This goes for just about every aspect of the wedding party (whether it looks weird to seat them separately or having a wedding party dance or having them in matching accessories, etc. - no one cares that much about them).  People are there to see the couple get married and have a good party.  That's about it.  If she thinks guests are going to care that much about people who didn't get married that day, I think that speaks more to her insecurities and need to maintain appearances than anything else.  No one is required to be in your wedding party.

Knottie1464657432

Thank you so much for all of your replies. When it comes up again, I'll be nice, but firm, telling her we aren't changing it, since everyone it directly affects is happy. This is the only issue that has come up during the planning process so I wanted to handle it the best way I could!