Etiquette

She had one job...

Just got off the phone with one of my bridesmaids. Wedding is 10 weeks away and she never ordered the dress. This was a dress they all agreed to last March after I asked them how much they can afford to spend (before shopping). They all ordered on their own after we left the dress shop. This one kept putting it off and never told me. She said she forgot all about it. The dress took 5 months to come in for my other girls so it's way too late now. So I told her she can buy another dress from the same line in the same color. It won't match my other girls, but at least it'll be the same color and designer and still within her budget (I asked her budget again in case it changed and that's why she didn't order the original dress that everyone wanted). That was 3 weeks ago. She still hasn't done it.

If she doesn't get something in time, what do I do? Do I keep her in the bridal party even though she might be wearing something that isn't even a party dress? Or that won't be the color of everyone else? I'm really upset about this.

Re: She had one job...

  • I feel like the friendship will change due to HER not me, regardless of what happens. I mean, I don't want to hurt her and she means so much to me, but it's so hurtful that she wouldn't get the dress that she liked herself and that I liked for all my girls. Like, why wouldn't you do that? That's all you have to do as a BM, get the dress. That's it. Nothing else. I haven't asked her or the others for anything. I just wanted them to wear the same dress and I'm really hurt that she forgot and now that I resigned myself to that and said it was okay and gave her another option she still hasn't done it.
    DrillSergeantCat
  • I feel like the friendship will change due to HER not me, regardless of what happens. I mean, I don't want to hurt her and she means so much to me, but it's so hurtful that she wouldn't get the dress that she liked herself and that I liked for all my girls. Like, why wouldn't you do that? That's all you have to do as a BM, get the dress. That's it. Nothing else. I haven't asked her or the others for anything. I just wanted them to wear the same dress and I'm really hurt that she forgot and now that I resigned myself to that and said it was okay and gave her another option she still hasn't done it.
    I agree it would be due to her. Again, I think you need to consider what is the worst case scenario here and whether you are happy to accept it or not. I can see the argument of 'its just a dress', but I can also see that she agreed to do something for you (twice), and hasn't followed through on at least one of those occassions. The thing is, you are getting upset about something that hasn't happened yet, and may not happen at all. You can't control her actions. I know it sucks but you can't force her to buy the dress.
                 
    SP29
  • Yeah, I did ask her if something was going on or something was wrong when she told me she didn't get the dress in August and she said no. We talk every day though and there was no hint of something being up either. I also asked for her budget again when I told her she could choose another dress in the same color and length to make sure there were dresses available in her budget and it was the exact same budget. I asked if she needed any help paying for it because I get that it's a dress she may never wear again. She said it was perfectly ok and she honestly just forgot. I decided a cigar was a cigar and didn't make more of it. But now that it's been 3 weeks and she still hasn't bought the new dress, I'm really confused and hurt. I hate that I'm in this position now of having to decide what to do if she ends up not getting the new dress. Part of me is thinking it's just a damn dress. Who the hell cares what she wears? But the other part is just sad and angry that she can't be bothered to do the one and only thing she was supposed to do.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    I agree with the PPs who would try to find out if something is going on with this bridesmaid before issuing any kind of ultimatum. She may not be blowing you off. She may believe that she has more time to get the dress than she actually does, or she may have something going on that at the moment is of greater concern to her than the dress or your wedding.

    If it turns out she's just procrastinating and/or really indifferent about it, then it would make sense to follow @STARMOON44's suggestion. But if she's been holding off because she has a serious issue, then that would be really hurtful to her. So find out what's going on with her, if anything, before you say anything to her about getting the dress. Remember, your wedding will not be as important to anyone else as it is to you and your FI.
  • It totally makes sense that you feel hurt, sad, angry and confused. I would too!   Especially following the second option you gave her of picking any dress  in the line, with no response.  I ditto Starmoon 
  • I'd say leave the ball in her court.  Sure, it took the dresses "five months to come in" that's not to say the salon held off that long to actually put the order in.  It happens sometimes.  Call the shop, confirm that they can call the company to order it in on time with a rush fee, and put the ball in the BM court and leave it at that.  If she chooses not to purchase the dress that's on her, not you.  She knows the consequences of not ordering the dress and her procrastination regardless of the reason.  If she shows up the day of your wedding in the proper attire, you have your answer. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    MairePoppyCMGragainkimmiinthemittencowgirl8238
  • I feel for you, my best friend (also MOH) is super flaky and if we hadn't ordered at the store I could see her doing something similar. For my friend it isn't intentional or indicative of a bigger problem, that is just how she is - and it drives me absolutely crazy but after this long I've realized it is who she is and I lower my expectations. 

    In my mind I would figure well she knows what color to order and from where, so if she doesn't end up getting it she will probably decide herself not to stand up there and that is her decision. I wouldn't put down an ultimatum or continue asking about it
    SP29
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I think you should leave her in the program and let her figure out how to adult herself. You shouldn't have to holder hand when she's agreed to do something. 

    If she shows up on the day of in a totally different dress, then she's acknowledging that she won't be standing up with you and you are saved from being the bad guy who fired her over a dress. 

    But yeah, I'd be totally frustrated too!
    image
    SP29SwissMs
  • To me the make-or-break factor would be how she told me she hadn't ordered the (original) dress yet- was it like a "Oh yeah I totally spaced on that, shrug" or a "I'm really, really sorry, I completely forgot to put in the order" type of situation? If she was genuinely sorry and seemed to get how big of an oversight it was I'd be a lot more inclined to just move past it than if she was basically just like "my bad." 

    Either way, I think I'd be confronting her directly about if she was going to order the second dress now. I know the etiquette-approved thing to do would be to just wait and see if she shows up in the right dress at the ceremony, but I wouldn't be able to take the uncertainty of that. Honestly I'd be really direct and tell her "I know you haven't ordered the dress yet and I really need you to do that if you're going to be a bridesmaid. Let me know by tomorrow if you've placed the order please." I also probably would tell her she'd hurt my feelings with all this, but that's just me.
    To your first paragraph, but she did it twice. That moves well beyond genuine forgetfulness in my book. If she's that forgetful, she needs to make changes in her life to remember things. Keep a running list, use sticky notes, tie a string on her finger, whatever. 

    I I agree with starmo on. 

    DrillSergeantCatSP29
  • To me the make-or-break factor would be how she told me she hadn't ordered the (original) dress yet- was it like a "Oh yeah I totally spaced on that, shrug" or a "I'm really, really sorry, I completely forgot to put in the order" type of situation? If she was genuinely sorry and seemed to get how big of an oversight it was I'd be a lot more inclined to just move past it than if she was basically just like "my bad." 

    Either way, I think I'd be confronting her directly about if she was going to order the second dress now. I know the etiquette-approved thing to do would be to just wait and see if she shows up in the right dress at the ceremony, but I wouldn't be able to take the uncertainty of that. Honestly I'd be really direct and tell her "I know you haven't ordered the dress yet and I really need you to do that if you're going to be a bridesmaid. Let me know by tomorrow if you've placed the order please." I also probably would tell her she'd hurt my feelings with all this, but that's just me.
    To your first paragraph, but she did it twice. That moves well beyond genuine forgetfulness in my book. If she's that forgetful, she needs to make changes in her life to remember things. Keep a running list, use sticky notes, tie a string on her finger, whatever. 

    I I agree with starmo on. 
    Are we sure though that she NEEDS to have ordered the second dress by now? The way I read it was she can still get that one in time, OP is just antsy because it hasn't been done yet... so it might just be a case of her thinking she's still got time and not realizing she's stressing OP out by not having ordered the second dress yet.

    I guess my bigger point was I would definitely be a lot more okay with potentially making a friendship-altering move by telling my BM she was out of the wedding party if she seemed not to care she had really messed up. If she is chronically disorganized and forgetful I'd probably think about letting the friendship drift to save myself the stress of being close to someone like that, but if she was selfish enough to not even feel bad she had messed up I'd be very confident that is someone I'd be better off without.

    Either OP, you've definitely done everything right and I would be so angry and sad in your shoes! What a frustrating situation.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
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    Are we sure though that she NEEDS to have ordered the second dress by now? The way I read it was she can still get that one in time, OP is just antsy because it hasn't been done yet... so it might just be a case of her thinking she's still got time and not realizing she's stressing OP out by not having ordered the second dress yet.

    I guess my bigger point was I would definitely be a lot more okay with potentially making a friendship-altering move by telling my BM she was out of the wedding party if she seemed not to care she had really messed up. If she is chronically disorganized and forgetful I'd probably think about letting the friendship drift to save myself the stress of being close to someone like that, but if she was selfish enough to not even feel bad she had messed up I'd be very confident that is someone I'd be better off without.

    Either OP, you've definitely done everything right and I would be so angry and sad in your shoes! What a frustrating situation.
    We ordered ours from David's Bridal and they took 5 weeks. Then, you have to factor in time for alterations. I'd be champing at the bit that she hasn't ordered the second dress yet and beyond livid that she didn't bother to order the first. 
  • I have little patience for people saying they will do something and then not so I wouldn't have much patience. "Hey friend, I know you still haven't ordered your dress. I want you up there beside me that day but if the dress doesn't come in then I hope you will still be a guest at the wedding."
    SP29PrettyGirlLostwink0erin
  • On the one hand, I like the idea of trying not to stress about it and just waiting to see if she shows up properly attired on the day of the wedding.  If not, she has basically kicked herself out of the wedding party.  But if you are having programs printed, I think this would just invite more drama.  Guests would be able to see that she was listed but wasn't standing up with you, and there is all sorts of potential for rumors and awkwardness there.
    ILoveBeachMusicSP29cowgirl8238
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