Etiquette

Is it rude?

DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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When I sent my invitations 6 weeks ago, I sent one to my friend, his wife, and her daughter. He was deployed at the time and as soon as he got back in the states she left him and started telling people that he abused her and was stalking her. Because he's my friend and she made it clear to everyone at her bridal shower that I am his friend and not hers, I called him to be sure he knew he was invited. He said he'd love to come. 

Now, he has told a mutual friend that he is bringing his wife who he RSVPd no for. Our friend told me this morning that she told him that he needed to talk to me before he just starts bringing people. I've already turned in my numbers to the caterer. I haven't heard from him yet, but if he does contact me, is it rude to tell him that it's too late?

Re: Is it rude?

  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
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    Is it really too late or can you still squeeze one more in?  

    The caterer will often do a final quest count the day of in case more people show up than you originally booked for and have a plan if that happens.
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    charlotte989875CMGragain
  • MeetTheLarasMeetTheLaras
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    edited September 2016
    Oh my, this situation sounds terrible.. But, I'd honestly do everything possible to accommodate. 
    MesmrEwePrettyGirlLostcowgirl8238InLoveInQueens
  • I highly doubt it is actually too late. 
    MesmrEwePrettyGirlLostlyndausviInLoveInQueens
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    I'm meeting with the caterer tonight and I've asked a good friend of mine who RSVPd for 2 but told me she really thought it'd be just her, if her husband is really coming or not. It's probably not too late and since it's buffet, the caterer should make a little extra. His reasoning he gave our friend is that he had 20 extra people show up, so I shouldn't mind if he brings his estranged wife.
  • I'm meeting with the caterer tonight and I've asked a good friend of mine who RSVPd for 2 but told me she really thought it'd be just her, if her husband is really coming or not. It's probably not too late and since it's buffet, the caterer should make a little extra. His reasoning he gave our friend is that he had 20 extra people show up, so I shouldn't mind if he brings his estranged wife.
    People in those situations don't always think clearly. My FH's boss is estranged, but he asked if he could bring his wife if she wants to come. I wasn't expecting it, but I said yes. I'm also having a buffet, and our caterer told me that if we had a few extra people show up, we should still be fine on food. We'll just obviously have to pay for them. 
    DrillSergeantCat
  • I think that since you initially invited her (if I'm understanding this right), and it seems like there are a lot of issues between them, you accommodate her if she comes. Yes, it's annoying, but you're meeting with the caterer tonight so it's not like you can't add them. Additionally, if your other friend RSVPed for 2, don't ask her "well are you really sure?" as it can sound like you're implying you don't want him to come. 

    Regardless of his reasoning, if you invited them and you can make it work you should. For me this wouldn't be a hill to die on and kind of sounds like you're being petty because it's after the deadline. 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    I think that since you initially invited her (if I'm understanding this right), and it seems like there are a lot of issues between them, you accommodate her if she comes. Yes, it's annoying, but you're meeting with the caterer tonight so it's not like you can't add them. Additionally, if your other friend RSVPed for 2, don't ask her "well are you really sure?" as it can sound like you're implying you don't want him to come. 

    Regardless of his reasoning, if you invited them and you can make it work you should. For me this wouldn't be a hill to die on and kind of sounds like you're being petty because it's after the deadline. 
    I'm being petty because she told people he abused and stalked her and has made it clear I'm not her friend. I told my friend when she RSVPd for 2 that I'd need to know for sure and she knows I want her husband there. She said he's not coming because she won't let him wear shorts and a t-shirt. I also don't think my friend from work is coming. I'm sure it will be okay, I should have sat and thought all this through before asking. I'd rather have him there with her than him not there at all.
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  • I really don't think I would classify it as being petty at all...
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    Thanks y'all I'm just stressed because the wedding is in 4 days and I'm exhausted. 

    It does piss me off though, that he complained to our friend when she said he needed to talk to me about the 20 extra people that showed up and cost him $2,000 (I don't believe that for a second btw). I just don't understand if someone does something to you that you didn't like, why would you want to do that to someone else?
    mollybarker11SP29scrunchythief
  • Thanks y'all I'm just stressed because the wedding is in 4 days and I'm exhausted. 

    It does piss me off though, that he complained to our friend when she said he needed to talk to me about the 20 extra people that showed up and cost him $2,000 (I don't believe that for a second btw). I just don't understand if someone does something to you that you didn't like, why would you want to do that to someone else?
    I totally get being annoyed by it, and I definitely understand that feeling. I just don't think it's reason to exclude her now, you know? It's poor etiquette on their part, but I'd try and let it go. 

    Yay for four days out though!
    MeetTheLarasDrillSergeantCat
  • Annoying yes, but you probably will barely even notice she's there on the actual day, trust me.

    And our caterer let us do a hard SUPER FINAL THIS IS IT count 72 hours out, we did buffet as well.  I can't imagine why they wouldn't be OK with an adjustment of a few people last minute.  
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
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    Your guest is being rude for sure, but allowing one last minute person is probably less stressful for you than doing the work to stop her.

    Stop.  Breathe.  You're okay and you'll be married soon!
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    DrillSergeantCatSP29InLoveInQueensscrunchythief
  • englishrose-2englishrose-2
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    edited September 2016
    It is rude and presumptuous but if you can squeeze her in then that will be far less hassle for you. 

    I also understand given her previous actions why she's not someone you want to go the extra mile for, but as you say it's better he comes with her than not at all, and he might be pretty upset if you say she can't go.

    Good luck for four days' time!! Exciting!!
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    It is rude and presumptuous but if you can squeeze her in then that will be far less hassle for you. 

    I also understand given her previous actions why she's not someone you want to go the extra mile for, but as you say it's better he comes with her than not at all, and he might be pretty upset if you say she can't go.

    Good luck for four days' time!! Exciting!!
    Our friend told him she was absolutely not invited to her wedding and he said "then I'm not coming."
  • I was always taught the "always plan a few extra" when it comes to event planning (there's an old saying "Always save a seat for Elijah" in case someone unexpected shows up, then you look good), so IMO, it's FAR less stressful to just roll with it.  Also, don't put yourself in the middle - if he said he wants to bring her along, that's on them to figure out and work out the dynamic.  Chances are really good she's not coming, but it's just not worth it to stress about IMO..
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  • hunnybearthunnybeart Woodbridge, NJ
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    It is rude and presumptuous but if you can squeeze her in then that will be far less hassle for you. 

    I also understand given her previous actions why she's not someone you want to go the extra mile for, but as you say it's better he comes with her than not at all, and he might be pretty upset if you say she can't go.

    Good luck for four days' time!! Exciting!!
    Our friend told him she was absolutely not invited to her wedding and he said "then I'm not coming."
    And that's exactly what should have happened.  Your friend was in the wrong for not inviting his wife.
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
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    It's clear her remarks to you is what is driving this and I totally get it.

    However, they seem to trying to make this work.  They are still together.  I'm not sure rude is the right word, but again, I get the annoyance.

     You are having a buffet.  It's rare a caterer will not accommodate an extra person more than 72 hours out.  Most places will not start prepping until 72 hours out anyway.    Most places add 5-10% food.

    Do yourself a favor, add her and then let it go.  There are way more important things to occupy your time than a couple who are trying to safe their marriage.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Slightly off topic, @DrillSergeantCat we are date twins. I feel you pain as I've had so many call and change their RSVP numbers this week.....
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  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York
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    kimmiinthemitten said:

    And since they're still married,  she should be invited (as you did) so he has every right to decline.  Their drama is their drama and if he still wants to be a social unit with her, that's only for him to decide.

    Edited because it didn't make sense
    Extreme extenuating circumstances can override the social unit rule. Starting divorce proceedings is one of them.


  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    LtPowers said:
    Extreme extenuating circumstances can override the social unit rule. Starting divorce proceedings is one of them.


    Good to know if I ever find myself planning another wedding for anyone. These two just separated, though. I asked him to please bring her.
    SP29
  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited September 2016
    Well, this happened to me.  My sister reconciled with her husband two days before my wedding.  (Big mistake!)  I didn't have a caterer problem. but he came to my wedding.  There was so much drama about other issues, I didn't want to create more, and I wanted to please my sister.
    I'm guessing that your caterer can accommodate one extra guest.
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    CMGragain said:
    Well, this happened to me.  My sister reconciled with her husband two days before my wedding.  (Big mistake!)  I didn't have a caterer problem. but he came to my wedding.  There was so much drama about other issues, I didn't want to create more, and I wanted to please my sister.
    I'm guessing that your caterer can accommodate one extra guest.
    I've already said that I've asked him to bring her.
    CMGragain
  • I am sure you have things under control.  I always like your posts.  Just go ahead and vent to us these last few days!  You will survive your wedding day! <3
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    CMGragain said:
    I am sure you have things under control.  I always like your posts.  Just go ahead and vent to us these last few days!  You will survive your wedding day! <3
    I'm about ready to strangle some people! I feel like some people forget that weddings aren't free so they can just do whatever the hell they want to do without any regard to the host's pocketbook. I was asked this morning if I was going to make a corsage for "longest friend" then she said JKJK but I kind of feel like she's expecting something and I don't really have the time to make another corsage. I'm so thankful that I have someone helping me with all this stuff, but I am about ready to scream!
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  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York
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    LtPowers said:
    Extreme extenuating circumstances can override the social unit rule. Starting divorce proceedings is one of them.


    Good to know if I ever find myself planning another wedding for anyone. These two just separated, though. I asked him to please bring her.
    That's perfectly fine; these situations have to be handled case-by-case. I just wanted to clarify that a separated couple, even if still legally married, is (pretty much by definition) no longer a social unit.

    Of course, as noted, the separation could end at any time, so such situations require understanding and flexibility on both sides.
    SP29
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    CMGragain said:
    I am sure you have things under control.  I always like your posts.  Just go ahead and vent to us these last few days!  You will survive your wedding day! <3
    I'm about ready to strangle some people! I feel like some people forget that weddings aren't free so they can just do whatever the hell they want to do without any regard to the host's pocketbook. I was asked this morning if I was going to make a corsage for "longest friend" then she said JKJK but I kind of feel like she's expecting something and I don't really have the time to make another corsage. I'm so thankful that I have someone helping me with all this stuff, but I am about ready to scream!
    Screaming is actually allowed, I just wouldn't do it at your guests, even when they deserve it ;) 


    I ended up yelling at my BM. She was an hour late to set up and I was frustrated because the MOH was almost an hour and a half late. She decided that the day of the wedding was the best time to go bra shopping. We got everything out to the garden and that's where we found that the venue hadn't set any chairs up except the 16 that were out for the rehearsal. They knew I was going to be there to set up at noon but weren't going to put out chairs until 2! The nice young man that was driving us around found 3 more guys to help him set up chairs, we got the gazebo , aisle, and chairs decorated with enough time to get lunch and me a shower before my hair appointment, though. 
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