Should I try to keep the peace and make up or let it go?

SoonToBeSalamone

Hey Knot Community!  I have a bit of an issue with a guest.  My FH's best man is married and we were both in their wedding as the MOH and Best man.  Just a little background on this person, I was her third MOH, she was emotionally and physically abusive to me through out the process when I tried to help her plan her bachelorette and be the best MOH I could be.  It was awful!  

Now it's my turn to get married and my FH and I decided we don't wnat a big bridal party just an MOH and Best man.  My MOH has been my best friends since 5th grade and I wouldn't want anyone else.  When I told the Best mans wife that we weren't doing bridal parties back in August she gave me a cold "its your wedding do what you want" and ever since then has refused to speak to me.  She went as far as blocking me on messenger and texting/calling.  I did the whole unfriend on facebook etc because it was getting too much for me.  However I'm worried she won't let her husband stand there and be the best man and while FH says he would be fine if that happened I still don't want to be the one responsible for it.  Should I reach out and try to keep the peace or just move on?  I shouldn't be made to feel bad for my wedding choices but for some reason I can't let this go and I just want it over with.

lc07

SoonToBeSalamone said:

Hey Knot Community!  I have a bit of an issue with a guest.  My FH's best man is married and we were both in their wedding as the MOH and Best man.  Just a little background on this person, I was her third MOH, she was emotionally and physically abusive to me through out the process when I tried to help her plan her bachelorette and be the best MOH I could be.  It was awful!  

Now it's my turn to get married and my FH and I decided we don't wnat a big bridal party just an MOH and Best man.  My MOH has been my best friends since 5th grade and I wouldn't want anyone else.  When I told the Best mans wife that we weren't doing bridal parties back in August she gave me a cold "its your wedding do what you want" and ever since then has refused to speak to me.  She went as far as blocking me on messenger and texting/calling.  I did the whole unfriend on facebook etc because it was getting too much for me.  However I'm worried she won't let her husband stand there and be the best man and while FH says he would be fine if that happened I still don't want to be the one responsible for it.  Should I reach out and try to keep the peace or just move on?  I shouldn't be made to feel bad for my wedding choices but for some reason I can't let this go and I just want it over with.

If she doesn't let her husband stand there and her husband goes along with her it is not your fault. You are victim blaming yourself. Her choices are her choices. This person sounds awful and toxic. My boyfriend would never want me to subject myself to how terribly she is treating you for the sake of his friendship. I'd be civil with her when in social situations where you're together but nothing beyond that. No, I would not reach out to her to smooth things over. She has blocked you. She clearly does not want to communicate with you.  

LondonLisa

SoonToBeSalamone said:

Hey Knot Community!  I have a bit of an issue with a guest.  My FH's best man is married and we were both in their wedding as the MOH and Best man.  Just a little background on this person, I was her third MOH, she was emotionally and physically abusive to me through out the process when I tried to help her plan her bachelorette and be the best MOH I could be.  It was awful!  

Now it's my turn to get married and my FH and I decided we don't wnat a big bridal party just an MOH and Best man.  My MOH has been my best friends since 5th grade and I wouldn't want anyone else.  When I told the Best mans wife that we weren't doing bridal parties back in August she gave me a cold "its your wedding do what you want" and ever since then has refused to speak to me.  She went as far as blocking me on messenger and texting/calling.  I did the whole unfriend on facebook etc because it was getting too much for me.  However I'm worried she won't let her husband stand there and be the best man and while FH says he would be fine if that happened I still don't want to be the one responsible for it.  Should I reach out and try to keep the peace or just move on?  I shouldn't be made to feel bad for my wedding choices but for some reason I can't let this go and I just want it over with.

Wait, she was physically abusive? Why is this person still in your life? Also, this is petty high school drama. Quit stooping to her level. It legitimises her behaviour. You 'unfriending' on FB just escalated the situation so in her mind she sees it as you both being to blame. If she doesn't 'let' her husband be in the wedding just say "oh well, we'll miss you" and leave it.

You are feeding this drama by giving it waaaay more attention than it deserves. Just ignore her! 

lc07

And hang on.. physically abusive? I'd likely never speak to her again or subject myself to being in her physical presence ever again. Why are you allowing this person to still be in your life in any capacity? 

SoonToBeSalamone

Yea she smacked me at her bachelorette party because i was laying down in the limo and not staying awake because it was 2 am and i was tired/not sober. The unfriending and deleting from social media was just because I wanted the toxicity out of my life.  I realized i was becoming high school drama queen by seeing whats going on so i just decided to get rid of it all but i still worry that its all going to blow up in my face and will end up hurting my fiance in the long run and I dont want any resentment later down the road.  

You guys have literally repeated every sentiment that i have been given about this so thank you all very much!  I appreciate it.

PamBeesly524

Sorry, but if someone SMACKED me for any reason I wouldn't need to reach out to a group of strangers to figure out what to do. That is insane that she did that to you. Don't reach out to her. BTW, if she doesn't "let" her H be best man and he goes along with it, you and your H are both probably better off without both of them.

OliveOilsMom

SoonToBeSalamone said:

Yea she smacked me at her bachelorette party because i was laying down in the limo and not staying awake because it was 2 am and i was tired/not sober. The unfriending and deleting from social media was just because I wanted the toxicity out of my life.  I realized i was becoming high school drama queen by seeing whats going on so i just decided to get rid of it all but i still worry that its all going to blow up in my face and will end up hurting my fiance in the long run and I dont want any resentment later down the road.  

You guys have literally repeated every sentiment that i have been given about this so thank you all very much!  I appreciate it.

Just because your FI is friends with a person, doesn't automatically mean you have to be besties with SO/spouse.  You still get to choose whether on your own if you want to be friends with another person.

I don't know why you would want to be friends with a person like that.  All you need to do is be civil when you see each other.  Don't hang out one on one and maybe even decline some group outings with FI, his friend and the wife.

Jen4948

SoonToBeSalamone said:

Yea she smacked me at her bachelorette party because i was laying down in the limo and not staying awake because it was 2 am and i was tired/not sober. The unfriending and deleting from social media was just because I wanted the toxicity out of my life.  I realized i was becoming high school drama queen by seeing whats going on so i just decided to get rid of it all but i still worry that its all going to blow up in my face and will end up hurting my fiance in the long run and I dont want any resentment later down the road.  

You guys have literally repeated every sentiment that i have been given about this so thank you all very much!  I appreciate it.

The bolded says it all.

No one smacking you has any business being in your wedding party. No apologies are needed for that (at least not from you). I would have pressed battery charges against her after that -- to heck with what that does to your FI's relationship with her husband.

Actually, physical violence is one of the very few allowable reasons for not inviting SOs together. I'd consider not even inviting her. If that's not a possibility, then I think you should consider having security at your wedding to escort her out if necessary.

MesmrEwe

OP - that's the reason you aren't having a large WP and there is ZERO wrong with that!  If your BM is going to side with his wife that's his choice as well.  It's not as though she was completely not invited, just that you decided to only have a BM/MOH.  Yes, your wedding your choice on this, but there seems to be an otherwise elephant in the room that has nothing to do with you.  Just distance yourself from the drama and leave it at that instead of getting sucked into it. 

ei34

You're totally right to not have her in your BP.  If she doesn't allow her H to be your FI's best man, that's not on you.  Your FI has to know she's nuts.

SoonToBeSalamone

Thank you again everyone as I stated you are all reiterating the sentiments I have been receiving the past month on all of this.  Sometimes strangers telling me to stop being dumb is easier to understand than my closest friends.  It is an uncomfortable situation because I don't know whats going to happen between now and then.  What I do know is no matter what (like the rest of you beautiful people) I'm going to have an amazing wedding next august and get to marry my best friend and love of my life and that i what's most important. 

MesmrEwe

SoonToBeSalamone said:

Thank you again everyone as I stated you are all reiterating the sentiments I have been receiving the past month on all of this.  Sometimes strangers telling me to stop being dumb is easier to understand than my closest friends.  It is an uncomfortable situation because I don't know whats going to happen between now and then.  What I do know is no matter what (like the rest of you beautiful people) I'm going to have an amazing wedding next august and get to marry my best friend and love of my life and that i what's most important. 

If anything, change your language here - you're learning that your friends have your back and sometimes it's good to hear from strangers that you've gotten sound advice.  It's called doing your due diligence in regard to the situation at hand and if anything SMART for something you're not sure how to interpret!

mollybarker11

Unpopular opinion but I do not think that unfriending someone on fb is "dramatic" or "stooping to their level". Nothing wrong with cutting toxic people from your life. (She probably thought it was a dramatic move because she's a drama llama but whatever.)

If she doesn't "let" her husband be BM in your wedding, that's between him and your FH (and shows some iffy as fuck dynamics between her & her husband imo). It's an overreaction to your perfectly rational decision to not have her in your WP. Not your fault.

Don't waste your time & energy trying to "keep" a peace that no longer exists. If your FH really wants this man as his BM, he can sort it out. Not your responsibility.