Second Weddings

My story in a nutshell - need some advice :)

Hi Ladies & Gents,
    I am so glad they have a board for stuff like this because i'm having a really hard time finding info anywhere else...  Soo... my fiance and i are getting married Nov, 2017.  This will be my 2nd marriage, his 1st.  Bottom line, the 1st time i was young, dumb and obviously didn't know my ex as well as i thought i did.   He was a liar, cheater, blah blah blah.. Luckily, there were no kids involved, and we weren't married very long... (we did, however have a pretty big and expensive wedding)

    I am so excited to be in love for the right reasons this time and a truly good relationship really does make me wonder what the heck i was thinking the 1st time around...

   I guess my questions are... what exactly is the etiquette for a second wedding?  He wants a big wedding and i feel like he should be able to have that since it IS his first (we are paying for this wedding 100% )... His family is soo welcoming to me and they love me regardless of my past... My family on the other hand is a pretty good bit more judgemental and opinionated. 

We have gotten as far as deciding to invite all of our favorite friends, most of his family and a VERY select few of my family.  I was even thinking i could send out separate invites to them (sometime like 'it's never too late for happily ever after')

Since i've been divorced, can we still get married in a church if we would decide to? (methodist)

Can i tell the people from my side who was involved in my 1st wedding to not bring gifts if they decide to come?  Should i even invite them to the ceremony? (by the time my 2nd wedding takes place, it will be 7 years since the 1st one happened)

I am soo excited to marry the man that i love more than anything in this world, and i'm so excited to plan this wedding, i just feel like there is a dark cloud that is my past divorce looking over my head...

Anyone in a similar situation like this.  If so, what did you do? 

Thanks soooo much in advance for the advice!

Re: My story in a nutshell - need some advice :)

  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown
    Moderator 5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    mod

    Welcome! To answer your questions:


    Hi Ladies & Gents,
        I am so glad they have a board for stuff like this because i'm having a really hard time finding info anywhere else...  Soo... my fiance and i are getting married Nov, 2017.  This will be my 2nd marriage, his 1st.  Bottom line, the 1st time i was young, dumb and obviously didn't know my ex as well as i thought i did.   He was a liar, cheater, blah blah blah.. Luckily, there were no kids involved, and we weren't married very long... (we did, however have a pretty big and expensive wedding) Sounds like my story a bit 

        I am so excited to be in love for the right reasons this time and a truly good relationship really does make me wonder what the heck i was thinking the 1st time around...

       I guess my questions are... what exactly is the etiquette for a second wedding?  He wants a big wedding and i feel like he should be able to have that since it IS his first (we are paying for this wedding 100% )... His family is soo welcoming to me and they love me regardless of my past... My family on the other hand is a pretty good bit more judgemental and opinionated.   You can have any type of wedding you want, especially since you are paying for it! A good resource is www.idotaketwo.com on etiquette. However, many second or more time couples on here have had traditional weddings. I personally did not, but that was only because it was our personal preference.

    We have gotten as far as deciding to invite all of our favorite friends, most of his family and a VERY select few of my family.  I was even thinking i could send out separate invites to them (sometime like 'it's never too late for happily ever after') I wouldn't bother about sending separate invites. Treat all of your guests the same. You chose to invite them and they can choose to be in a huff and not come. If they are judgmental that reflects on them, not you.  

    Since i've been divorced, can we still get married in a church if we would decide to? (methodist) Can't really answer this one, but since it's not the Catholic church, I believe the rules are a little less formal. Check with your church/minister.

    Can i tell the people from my side who was involved in my 1st wedding to not bring gifts if they decide to come?  Should i even invite them to the ceremony? (by the time my 2nd wedding takes place, it will be 7 years since the 1st one happened). It's considered to be against etiquette to mention gifts, as that leads people to assume you were expecting them in the first place. If you truly don't want gifts, don't register. Or, if someone directly asks, you can reply "Thank you for thinking of us, but we really don't need anything." As for inviting your family- you can invite whomever you choose to invite. It's presumed you'd want to share your day with those nearest and dearest. If you family falls into that category, then invite them! If they choose to decline the invitation, then that is their choice.

    I am soo excited to marry the man that i love more than anything in this world, and i'm so excited to plan this wedding, i just feel like there is a dark cloud that is my past divorce looking over my head...

    Anyone in a similar situation like this.  If so, what did you do? 

    Thanks soooo much in advance for the advice!

    It may be that you are WAY overthinking your divorce and how people think about it or see it. Plan the wedding you as a couple want. If someone chooses to not accept your new relationship, then that is on them. Just host your guests properly, have fun, and enjoy planning!

     







    SP29eileenrob
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    So, I very easily could have written this post myself. I got married 16 years ago when I was 24 to the wrong person. Our marriage lasted only one year.

    Fast forward to 2013, I was engaged to my now husband. It was also his first wedding/marriage. I was extremely sensitive and paranoid about how my second wedding was going to be received. I flat out refused to have a shower, because I didn't want anyone to think I was greedy. I even turned down my MIL, who begged me to have one at least 13 times. (I'm still happy I did this, because I hate showers so very much). I told my relatives not to give me gifts (I know, totally tacky and against etiquette. But I was so paranoid). I was convinced I had to keep things understated, and not over-the-top, because I didn't want people to judge. 

    Here's what I learned - screw what anyone else thinks. Plan the wedding you want. If anyone judges you harshly, they're not someone that deserves to be in your life anyway. You've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you should get to celebrate that in exactly the way you both want. All of my friends and relatives were so very happy for me, and were happy to come and celebrate with us.

    Don't call any extra attention with invites with different wording. 

    I can't answer about the church - have no experience there. 

    I chose not to invite my extended relatives that I'm not close to. 

    eileenrob
  • I've looked around for second wedding etiquette in the past and haven't really found much difference from first wedding etiquette. There's obviously complications and things to consider if there are kids involved but that's not your case. 

    The only real difference is they recommend you don't wear a blusher veil over your face. A veil on the back of your head is fine. 

    Otherwise plan the wedding that you and your fiancé want and can afford. 
  • Thanks all for the advice!  it definitely makes me feel better hearing from people who have been thru it... And you guys are right.. i need to not worry about what anyone else is going to think and just enjoy every aspect of the planning process.!!  =)
  • There really isn't anything different regarding a first and second wedding. The only thing I can think of is possibly the church- but this is a question best asked of your minister.

    I think some people might say don't have a shower or bachelorette party, because it's seems greedy, but I people are still going to want to celebrate THIS marriage, so I don't think there's anything wrong with parties, or receiving gifts at your wedding.

    My dad recently was re-married last month. His 2nd, her 4th. Ceremony and reception were at the same venue, and while it followed more modern standards, but was the same as any other wedding I've attended. There was no shower or bachelor/bacchelorette party. Only an MOH and BM. Bride wore a less traditional wedding dress- it was a gold lace sheath dress- but she still looked very bridal (I would have worn it!). Nothing else about the wedding was any different.
    RedheadIshida
  • Thanks SP29.  The more we think about it, we don't think we'll get married in a church anyway.  Thinking of just having the ceremony and reception all in the same place.  I'm glad to hear a lot of people say their 2nd wedding wasn't any different than their 1st planning wise (except for the fact that they are marrying the right person this time!! hehe).  I also think i will 'respectfully decline' a bridal shower if offered this time around.  We've decided to just do MOH and BM as well!  I had a huge bridal party my 1st wedding and it's just not something i want again...
        For my 1st wedding, both of my parents walked me down the aisle.  I was thinking of just walking down the aisle by myself this time.  Is that ok?  Are people going to think that's weird (there i go again, worrying WAAY too much about what others will think)  Since my divorce from my ex, my parents and i have not been as close as we were in the past.  :(
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown
    Moderator 5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited October 2016
    Thanks SP29.  The more we think about it, we don't think we'll get married in a church anyway.  Thinking of just having the ceremony and reception all in the same place.  I'm glad to hear a lot of people say their 2nd wedding wasn't any different than their 1st planning wise (except for the fact that they are marrying the right person this time!! hehe).  I also think i will 'respectfully decline' a bridal shower if offered this time around.  We've decided to just do MOH and BM as well!  I had a huge bridal party my 1st wedding and it's just not something i want again...
        For my 1st wedding, both of my parents walked me down the aisle.  I was thinking of just walking down the aisle by myself this time.  Is that ok?  Are people going to think that's weird (there i go again, worrying WAAY too much about what others will think)  Since my divorce from my ex, my parents and i have not been as close as we were in the past.  :(
    There is nothing wrong with walking yourself down the aisle. I did the second time around, but I had to since it was a private wedding. Even if I had guests, I still would have done the same. 

    I'm so sorry that your family has been causing you stress since your divorce. I'm sure it's upsetting and you want to fix that, but just keep doing what you're doing and hopefully they'll see how happy you are and how well this new relationship is going and will come around.

     







  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited October 2016
    Here is an excellent website for second wedding etiquette:

    http://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/home

    Second wedding etiquette has changed a lot in the past forty years.  Generally, you plan your wedding however you wish, as long as all guests are treated with respect (a chair for everyone to sit, food and drink enough for everyone, no cash bar,  a comfortable venue, no big time gaps between ceremony and reception).  You wear whatever you wish, including a white wedding dress.  The groom may walk the bride down the aisle.
    This is very different from years ago, when second time around couples were expected to elope or have a small, private ceremony.  Some of your relatives may not be aware that times have changed.  Don't worry, and use this guide to back you up.  Have a beautiful wedding day!

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Welcome! To answer your questions:


    Hi Ladies & Gents,
        I am so glad they have a board for stuff like this because i'm having a really hard time finding info anywhere else...  Soo... my fiance and i are getting married Nov, 2017.  This will be my 2nd marriage, his 1st.  Bottom line, the 1st time i was young, dumb and obviously didn't know my ex as well as i thought i did.   He was a liar, cheater, blah blah blah.. Luckily, there were no kids involved, and we weren't married very long... (we did, however have a pretty big and expensive wedding) Sounds like my story a bit 

        I am so excited to be in love for the right reasons this time and a truly good relationship really does make me wonder what the heck i was thinking the 1st time around...

       I guess my questions are... what exactly is the etiquette for a second wedding?  He wants a big wedding and i feel like he should be able to have that since it IS his first (we are paying for this wedding 100% )... His family is soo welcoming to me and they love me regardless of my past... My family on the other hand is a pretty good bit more judgemental and opinionated.   You can have any type of wedding you want, especially since you are paying for it! A good resource is www.idotaketwo.com on etiquette. However, many second or more time couples on here have had traditional weddings. I personally did not, but that was only because it was our personal preference.

    We have gotten as far as deciding to invite all of our favorite friends, most of his family and a VERY select few of my family.  I was even thinking i could send out separate invites to them (sometime like 'it's never too late for happily ever after') I wouldn't bother about sending separate invites. Treat all of your guests the same. You chose to invite them and they can choose to be in a huff and not come. If they are judgmental that reflects on them, not you.  

    Since i've been divorced, can we still get married in a church if we would decide to? (methodist) Can't really answer this one, but since it's not the Catholic church, I believe the rules are a little less formal. Check with your church/minister.

    Can i tell the people from my side who was involved in my 1st wedding to not bring gifts if they decide to come?  Should i even invite them to the ceremony? (by the time my 2nd wedding takes place, it will be 7 years since the 1st one happened). It's considered to be against etiquette to mention gifts, as that leads people to assume you were expecting them in the first place. If you truly don't want gifts, don't register. Or, if someone directly asks, you can reply "Thank you for thinking of us, but we really don't need anything." As for inviting your family- you can invite whomever you choose to invite. It's presumed you'd want to share your day with those nearest and dearest. If you family falls into that category, then invite them! If they choose to decline the invitation, then that is their choice.

    I am soo excited to marry the man that i love more than anything in this world, and i'm so excited to plan this wedding, i just feel like there is a dark cloud that is my past divorce looking over my head...

    Anyone in a similar situation like this.  If so, what did you do? 

    Thanks soooo much in advance for the advice!

    It may be that you are WAY overthinking your divorce and how people think about it or see it. Plan the wedding you as a couple want. If someone chooses to not accept your new relationship, then that is on them. Just host your guests properly, have fun, and enjoy planning!

    What @Jells2dot0 said! <3
  • Thanks SP29.  The more we think about it, we don't think we'll get married in a church anyway.  Thinking of just having the ceremony and reception all in the same place.  I'm glad to hear a lot of people say their 2nd wedding wasn't any different than their 1st planning wise (except for the fact that they are marrying the right person this time!! hehe).  I also think i will 'respectfully decline' a bridal shower if offered this time around.  We've decided to just do MOH and BM as well!  I had a huge bridal party my 1st wedding and it's just not something i want again...
        For my 1st wedding, both of my parents walked me down the aisle.  I was thinking of just walking down the aisle by myself this time.  Is that ok?  Are people going to think that's weird (there i go again, worrying WAAY too much about what others will think)  Since my divorce from my ex, my parents and i have not been as close as we were in the past.  :(
    The purpose of an escort is to provide a firm arm if you should stumble.  Considering today's fashionable shoes, this can be a real concern.  No bride should go face down in the aisle.  I suggest that you and your FI walk together down the aisle.  This is what many people in my family have done.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • My DH and I walked each other down the aisle. It was a second wedding for both of us, so we knocked out a lot of the formalities. I wasn't sure about it at first, but when the moment actually came, I was very comfortable and relaxed with DH there. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
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