Etiquette

On tiered receptions

I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

Best Wishes to all!

Sydney

Re: On tiered receptions

  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    geebee908 said:
    You know she didn't specify which friends would be second-string when she put out her hypothetical question. The friends that responded positively think that they'll make the cut. I bet they won't be so positive after they find out they made the dance-only list.
    This was my thought too. Wait until the find out they're on the B team and watch the side eying begin!
    image
    DrillSergeantCatcowgirl8238InLoveInQueensKnottie1452098987
  • I like how she lists positive qualities like being easy going as her downfalls.  OP you're realistic enough to understand that B-listing is okay if it gets more guests into your wedding...kind of like how Trump is savvy enough to not pay his taxes.  Score!

    As a guidance counselor, I don't take bullying or throwing the word around lightly.  I find your sentence about bullying to be random.  Yes, if Johnny is unintentionally hurting Jimmy's feelings, it's not bullying.  You're planning on doing something that will hurt feelings, and you know it.  (Although I guess those who don't like your plan are too uptight and traditional.)  And people on the internet who disagree with you are the bullies?  :s
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited October 2016

    Very few people IRL, when their real name is tied to an opinion will give you their honest opinion.  Post something moderately political issue - the only people who will respond are those who agree with.  Most of the people who really want to say "that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard" will delete their actual opinion long before you have a chance to get it.

    Tiered receptions are RUDE!  We have a budget board with posters who will be glad to help you get your budget and guest list to line up together for a beautiful wedding day and reception inclusive of ALL of your guests!  All caterers offer a "Budget Friendly option", you've just got to ask because usually the wedding menu is just the "Most popular" menu for that market.  Cut down on the flowers.  Get a cake from Sam's/Costco/BJ's/HyVee/etc.  Go for the important pictures in a 4-6 hour photographer instead of an all-day photographer.  Go with a community center, KC Hall, Lion's/Elks Hall, VFW/AmVet/Legion Hall instead of a fancy venue you can't afford to entertain 100% of your guests at!  People ultimately remember how they were treated by you the hostess.  If all you can afford for 100% of your guest list is cake and punch or pizza and beer, that's o.k.!  Own it - your guests will feel far less slighted than if you tier it up...

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    cowgirl8238InLoveInQueens
  • I don't entirely understand the concept of tiered weddings. What is the purpose? Does that mean I would be invited to the ceremony but not the reception? Or I am invited to the cocktail hour but kicked out before the meal is served? Why would a couple want to do that to their loved ones? I truly can't wrap my head around this trend. Please explain. 
    Knottie1452098987MesmrEwe
  • I'm guessing you are coming from the incorrect stance that B-list friends/family would rather be invited to some of your festivities rather than none at all?

    You are quite mistaken.  I totally understand I am not invited to every wedding a friend or family member has.  There have even been a few times I was a bit surprised I did not receive invitation.  But it's all good, no offense taken.  However, if those same people had invited me to the ceremony and/or to the reception for only the drinks/dancing portion.  I would have been highly, HIGHLY offended.  Possibly friendship ending.  One of those, I wouldn't say anything, but I'd let the friendship wither away.

    Would some of your friends prefer to be invited to some of the event, as opposed to not being invited at all?  Sure.  There are probably a few who would prefer that.  But the majority of people will be insulted.

    I'll even play devil's advocate with you.  You think the majority of your friends wouldn't mind.  We'll go with that.  Let's say 80%-90% are super jazzed and enthusiastic that you are deigning to include them in some part of your special day, though not the whole she-bang.  Is it still worth inviting more people to a part of it if you are going to offend and hurt the feelings of the other 10-20%?  That would make no sense to me and is the opposite of the "inclusiveness" (I'm guessing) you are trying to foster.   

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    lc07mollybarker11Knottie1452098987
  • @WineAndLipgloss the ones I've heard of have the a list show up for the whole thing and then the b list shows up later in the evening after dinner is done for the dancing party part. So you save money by not having to pay for dinner for as many people but can still have a big dance party. 
    [Deleted User]
  • When I was a teenager I was invited as a tiered guest to the reception (dance portion only). I was going with my then-bf's family, to his cousin's wedding. I'd never met them before, so it was no skin off my back what I thought of them or they of me. I also wasn't raised specifically being taught "X is good etiquette". I'm also young, and super relaxed. Even still, it left me with a weird feeling of "this isn't cool" and I felt bad for my bf's family (aunt and cousins of the bride!)- clearly they were second string.
    InLoveInQueensKnottie1452098987short+sassy
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited October 2016
    I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

    I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

    To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

    To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

    Best Wishes to all!

    Sydney
    Troll?

    If you are for real, have you considered having a wedding that you can afford which would include all of your guests without being rude to anyone?
    1.  Budget.
    2.  Guest list
    3.  Look at these and decide what kind of reception you can afford that will serve everyone equally.  Brunch?  Afternoon tea?
    Problem solved.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MesmrEweeileenrobSP29InLoveInQueens
  • Luxy11Luxy11
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    member
    edited December 2016
    Look, I'm the first one to say that **Removed for ToS violation**. But...I can't even believe this is a thing you or anyone is considering. How weird will it be for people to arrive and realize that SOME guests just got finished eating dinner, and you didn't make that list? 

    Don't do it. Cut guests if you have to. 
    11-4-17
    knottie9fb034263c3540ec
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