Food for kids with a babysitter during wedding?

Knottie10724897

Note: STDs and Invites have not gone out yet!

We are not inviting children to our wedding. As a backup plan for those that are absolutely unable to attend our big day if they cannot bring their child(ren), we are considering hiring 2 babysitters to team up. We are not broadcasting this offer, but have the sitters ready in case people call us really wanting to attend but cannot find a sitter for the night (such as cousins, who would normally ask their parents to watch the kids but their parents are attending as well). 

I think that since we are offering the babysitters, we should pay for the babysitters (yes?). But...are we obligated to then pay for food for the kids as well. Should that be the parents' responsibility to coordinate ordering food or bringing a dinner to the room where the kids will be? It was their choice to bring kids despite them not being invited, so I think they should figure out what their kids want to eat and pay for it. And also just the logistics...I can't really be taking time out of my already busy day to worry about ordering pizza for children that were not invited in the first place. 

Did anyone out there offer a babysitter for the night? What worked for you? What didn't work?

TrixieJess

I would not use your babysitter. I would either find my own or decline. I'm very picky about who I use as a babysitter and the ones I use are either family, close friends, or children of close friends who I've known since they were born. 

I would offer the parents names of babysitters and leave it at that. Don't go through the expense of something not many people will use and expect declines if you don't allow children. 

STARMOON44

I would just offer the names of a couple sitters if they ask, and let them make all the arrangements and pay the sitter themselves. 

Knottie10724897

STARMOON44 said:

I would just offer the names of a couple sitters if they ask, and let them make all the arrangements and pay the sitter themselves. 

The problem with just offering the names of sitters is that our wedding is at a resort 4 hours (driving) away from where most of our friends/family live...so this is a bit of an overnight getaway. We don't know anyone in the area of the wedding that we could recommend, except for these 2 individuals that live in our city and would need to travel for the night. 

LondonLisa

So what happens when your cousin brings little Hugo into the ballroom because he doesn't like the babysitter? Either make your event child-free or don't, but don't have babysitters in another room at the venue. Offer these babysitters as names if asked for in-room babysitting but don't have a children's room.

If people can't find a sitter, then they may decline. And that is ok. It's just something to take into consideration when having adults only.

Knottie10724897

LondonLisa said:

So what happens when your cousin brings little Hugo into the ballroom because he doesn't like the babysitter? Either make your event child-free or don't, but don't have babysitters in another room at the venue. Offer these babysitters as names if asked for in-room babysitting but don't have a children's room.

If people can't find a sitter, then they may decline. And that is ok. It's just something to take into consideration when having adults only.

If we were to offer these babysitters as names if asked, then is the expectation that the parents would pay the babysitter rather than us? Of would we still be on the hook to compensate the sitter?

banana468

Knottie10724897 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I would just offer the names of a couple sitters if they ask, and let them make all the arrangements and pay the sitter themselves. 

The problem with just offering the names of sitters is that our wedding is at a resort 4 hours (driving) away from where most of our friends/family live...so this is a bit of an overnight getaway. We don't know anyone in the area of the wedding that we could recommend, except for these 2 individuals that live in our city and would need to travel for the night. 

I think you just need to spread via word of mouth that it's adults only.

I wouldn't use your sitter either.  The only time I ever used a sitter I didn't interview is when I went out with BIL and SIL and they hired their sitter to watch DD and their child.

Knottie10724897

banana468 said:

I think you just need to spread via word of mouth that it's adults only.

Yes, we plan to let people know that it is adults only via word of mouth as well. And I think we will do the "we have reserved ____ seats for you" on our invites to indicate the number of seats that have been reserved for each invite.

From what I have seat on these boards, between addressing the invite only to the adults, and including the number of seats reserved, that should get the point across. 

ShesSoCold

So, I agree with PP's points.

But, so, you're thinking of hiring a babysitter to watch people who bring their uninvited kids. What about the polite people who understood that no kids were invited and either declined or found their own childcare? They're penalized for not being rude and bringing their kids anyway? If I paid for an overnight sitter or declined a wedding but then found out that child care services were offered anyway, I'd be confused and unhappy.

I don't think this will work since very few people are just going to slap their kid down with a sitter no one knows and go off to a wedding for several hours. But if you really want to, let people know about it as an option. All the people.

And yes, pay for food, the cost of the sitter, etc.

ei34

Knottie10724897 said:

Note: STDs and Invites have not gone out yet!

We are not inviting children to our wedding. As a backup plan for those that are absolutely unable to attend our big day if they cannot bring their child(ren), we are considering hiring 2 babysitters to team up. We are not broadcasting this offer, but have the sitters ready in case people call us really wanting to attend but cannot find a sitter for the night (such as cousins, who would normally ask their parents to watch the kids but their parents are attending as well). 

I think that since we are offering the babysitters, we should pay for the babysitters (yes?). But...are we obligated to then pay for food for the kids as well. Should that be the parents' responsibility to coordinate ordering food or bringing a dinner to the room where the kids will be? It was their choice to bring kids despite them not being invited, so I think they should figure out what their kids want to eat and pay for it. And also just the logistics...I can't really be taking time out of my already busy day to worry about ordering pizza for children that were not invited in the first place. 

Did anyone out there offer a babysitter for the night? What worked for you? What didn't work?

To the first bolded- you can still tell your guests that the invitation is for the couple listed on the invitation, and you understand if they can't make it. Due to logistics, DH and I have declined a few wedding invites that our children weren't invited to, we just checked off "not attending" on the rsvp card...do guests usually call to explain themselves?

The 2nd and 3rd bolded- you seem really adamant about the kids not being invited at all or not being invited in the first place.  If this is something that's angering you, just leave it at that, they're not invited.  Thats perfectly fine.  Just let the parents decide whether or not to attend (and if they do, they'll be able to arrange for childcare and feeding their kids).  

TheMostHappy15

I agree with PP who mentioned that this isn’t really fair to the parents who respected your wishes by not bringing kids, because they are having to pay for their own sitters while the ones who ignored your wishes are getting one for free! So if you insist on going through with the hiring a sitter plan I think you need to tell everyone it’s an option.

That said, I think you’re better off scrapping the whole plan. You’re doing everything you should be to communicate that kids aren’t invited so hopefully no one will show up with one… and if some rude person does, it’s not the end of the world. I know very few parents who would be comfortable leaving their kids with a sitter they hadn’t personally vetted anyway, so there’s every chance a parent could show up with a kid in tow and still refuse to use the sitter service. 

STARMOON44

Knottie10724897 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I would just offer the names of a couple sitters if they ask, and let them make all the arrangements and pay the sitter themselves. 

The problem with just offering the names of sitters is that our wedding is at a resort 4 hours (driving) away from where most of our friends/family live...so this is a bit of an overnight getaway. We don't know anyone in the area of the wedding that we could recommend, except for these 2 individuals that live in our city and would need to travel for the night. 

Then I wouldn't offer. You don't have the names of any local sitters. Let them figure it out. 

Knottie10724897

TheMostHappy15 said:

I agree with PP who mentioned that this isn’t really fair to the parents who respected your wishes by not bringing kids, because they are having to pay for their own sitters while the ones who ignored your wishes are getting one for free! So if you insist on going through with the hiring a sitter plan I think you need to tell everyone it’s an option.

That said, I think you’re better off scrapping the whole plan. You’re doing everything you should be to communicate that kids aren’t invited so hopefully no one will show up with one… and if some rude person does, it’s not the end of the world. I know very few parents who would be comfortable leaving their kids with a sitter they hadn’t personally vetted anyway, so there’s every chance a parent could show up with a kid in tow and still refuse to use the sitter service. 

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I think the reason we are trying to make that work is because I have a cousin on my side and my FH has a cousin on his side that have kids. In both cases, asking their spouse's parents to watch their kids isn't an option, and their parents are invited to our wedding and attending. Both cousins need to travel (by plane) to get to our wedding and we are close to both of them. We very much want them to be there, but do not want to go down the road of making exceptions for kids because I can see that getting messy. We're trying to blanket no kids but have these 2 important people in unique situations. 

Perhaps it would just make sense to work with them separately on the sitter and not make it a "thing" we're doing for the wedding? 

[Deleted User]

(Not a mom, so take that into account).

I do know some friends with kids who would appreciate having having a babysitter available (provided these babysitters were vetted in some way that could be made known to the parents) if they had to travel for the wedding. But I think this would need to be offered for all or none. Not just the parents who complained the loudest. Yes, you should pay for the babysitters and food if you decide to offer this. 

I've seen this in two ways that seemed to have worked. One: the kids were still at the wedding but there was a corner or space with games, etc where they could be with the babysitters. This was in full view of the rest of the reception so nothing was "hidden". The kids were free to leave to see their parents if they wanted to. But most kids ebjoyed playing with the sitters and the other kids. The sitters and the kids ended up having a really funny goofy dance "show" at one point (during the general dance time, they didn't actually interrupt anything). 

Two: there was a hotel suite close by. This was not in view or sound distance of the reception so the kids didn't feel "left out". Plenty of games, movies, etc. The sitters had the parents phone numbers and called if anything was wrong. It was basically next door to the reception so the parents could easily come back and forth if needed. 

Many people here say they wouldn't be interested. You could always ask people to confirm if they'd be interested by the RSVP date and if no one is interested, then don't bring the babysitters. 

lyndausvi

I had an OOT wedding.  Then only kids invited were my nieces/nephews. One of my cousins flew in with her kids.   On her own she contacted the resort and arranged for babysitting.   (a lot of resorts have babysitting services - insured and background checks).

When that same cousin got married her wedding was OOT for our family.   My sister's in-laws and our aunt and cousin drove down to the location with us and watched the 6 nieces/nephews at the hotel.  The reception was held at the same location.

At the club there are often babysitters around for the kids.  Some of them were brought in from couple and/or family.  Other times they hired babysitters via the club.

When my sister got married one of my friends and her husband watched my 1 year old OOT niece.


Sometimes parents just decline.


I guess my point is parents of kids figure this out.  They may decline. They may bring their own babysitter. They might be comfortable with a babysitting service.   It's not a one size fits all answer.      

I wouldn't make it a thing, but that doesn't mean you can't individually help them if they ask.

TrixieJess

Knottie10724897 said:

TheMostHappy15 said:

I agree with PP who mentioned that this isn’t really fair to the parents who respected your wishes by not bringing kids, because they are having to pay for their own sitters while the ones who ignored your wishes are getting one for free! So if you insist on going through with the hiring a sitter plan I think you need to tell everyone it’s an option.

That said, I think you’re better off scrapping the whole plan. You’re doing everything you should be to communicate that kids aren’t invited so hopefully no one will show up with one… and if some rude person does, it’s not the end of the world. I know very few parents who would be comfortable leaving their kids with a sitter they hadn’t personally vetted anyway, so there’s every chance a parent could show up with a kid in tow and still refuse to use the sitter service. 

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I think the reason we are trying to make that work is because I have a cousin on my side and my FH has a cousin on his side that have kids. In both cases, asking their spouse's parents to watch their kids isn't an option, and their parents are invited to our wedding and attending. Both cousins need to travel (by plane) to get to our wedding and we are close to both of them. We very much want them to be there, but do not want to go down the road of making exceptions for kids because I can see that getting messy. We're trying to blanket no kids but have these 2 important people in unique situations. 

Perhaps it would just make sense to work with them separately on the sitter and not make it a "thing" we're doing for the wedding? 

Then you either need to invite just these kids or accept the fact that the parents won't be at your wedding. Unfortunately, we parents don't just hire anyone off the street nor do we just accept random babysitters at events. You have made this decision knowing this will be the outcome. You have to live with it. 

wmam35

I agree with PPs, if you have a no kids wedding then this is the consequence.  I don't know a lot of people who would leave their children with someone they don't know, especially in a room of some hotel/resort where they can't see them. 

Knottie10724897

TrixieJess said:

Then you either need to invite just these kids or accept the fact that the parents won't be at your wedding. Unfortunately, we parents don't just hire anyone off the street nor do we just accept random babysitters at events. You have made this decision knowing this will be the outcome. You have to live with it. 

 This is where we feel conflicted. Because we are not allowing others to bring their kids (and we don't want kids there anyway). So is it more rude to invite some kids and not others? In this case both of these people are family but if we say "kids of family" then that opens up the invites to too many people and we risk going over capacity. 

TrixieJess

Knottie10724897 said:

TrixieJess said:

Then you either need to invite just these kids or accept the fact that the parents won't be at your wedding. Unfortunately, we parents don't just hire anyone off the street nor do we just accept random babysitters at events. You have made this decision knowing this will be the outcome. You have to live with it. 

 This is where we feel conflicted. Because we are not allowing others to bring their kids (and we don't want kids there anyway). So is it more rude to invite some kids and not others? In this case both of these people are family but if we say "kids of family" then that opens up the invites to too many people and we risk going over capacity. 

You can invite in circles, you can invite some children and not others. If you are close to these children and not others, then yes, you can invite them. You are overthinking this. 

banana468

FWIW, I think if you invited the kids of cousins but not friends you're in the clear.

Heffalump

I think either you provide the babysitter (make all of the arrangements, foot the bill), or you stay out of it.  Because this in between system you're thinking of rigging up is just confusing.  You provide the babysitter...sort of...but you want me to pay, and provide food...  There is a lot of potential for hard feelings.  Which you already have over the situation anyway, so I'd skip it.

You can invite in circles.  You can decide not to invite any kids, knowing that some parents will skip the wedding as a result.  You can't have your cake and eat it too, and you can't make people attend by kinda-sorta providing childcare for a select few while the rest are SOL.

TrixieJess said:

Then you either need to invite just these kids or accept the fact that the parents won't be at your wedding. Unfortunately, we parents don't just hire anyone off the street nor do we just accept random babysitters at events. You have made this decision knowing this will be the outcome. You have to live with it. 

So much this.  It depends on the kid, but there is no way my 3 y.o. is staying with some rando he's never seen before.  There will be massive tears and distress, and who can blame him--he doesn't know this person and has no idea what they're about or whether he'll be okay with them.  Our regular sitter or Grandma is NBD, but he is really not into strangers.  My 7 y.o. might be okay with it, because she's older, and rational enough to know that she's not being abandoned forever.  But TBH, she still probably wouldn't love the idea.   

kahluakoala

Knottie10724897 said:

TheMostHappy15 said:

I agree with PP who mentioned that this isn’t really fair to the parents who respected your wishes by not bringing kids, because they are having to pay for their own sitters while the ones who ignored your wishes are getting one for free! So if you insist on going through with the hiring a sitter plan I think you need to tell everyone it’s an option.

That said, I think you’re better off scrapping the whole plan. You’re doing everything you should be to communicate that kids aren’t invited so hopefully no one will show up with one… and if some rude person does, it’s not the end of the world. I know very few parents who would be comfortable leaving their kids with a sitter they hadn’t personally vetted anyway, so there’s every chance a parent could show up with a kid in tow and still refuse to use the sitter service. 

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I think the reason we are trying to make that work is because I have a cousin on my side and my FH has a cousin on his side that have kids. In both cases, asking their spouse's parents to watch their kids isn't an option, and their parents are invited to our wedding and attending. Both cousins need to travel (by plane) to get to our wedding and we are close to both of them. We very much want them to be there, but do not want to go down the road of making exceptions for kids because I can see that getting messy. We're trying to blanket no kids but have these 2 important people in unique situations. 

Perhaps it would just make sense to work with them separately on the sitter and not make it a "thing" we're doing for the wedding? 

Can't you just invite these two kids and call it a day? I think most people understand "children of close family only" is a thing.

Knottie10724897

KahluaKoala said:

Can't you just invite these two kids and call it a day? I think most people understand "children of close family only" is a thing.

A few issues with this. One is that we don't want kids at our ceremony or reception. Even these kids. But we love these cousins (the kids' parents) and want them there. Second, it wouldn't be quite fair. These are the kids of 2 cousins. But there are 6 or 7 other cousins with kids. With something like 11 or 12 kids between them. So that is a lot of kids and we don't want that. Which is why we're trying for the blanket "no kids". How do we invite some kids and not others when the parents are the same relation to us. It's not like this is family vs friends. It'd be family vs family. How do you separate those, you know?  

TrixieJess

Knottie10724897 said:

KahluaKoala said:

Can't you just invite these two kids and call it a day? I think most people understand "children of close family only" is a thing.

A few issues with this. One is that we don't want kids at our ceremony or reception. Even these kids. But we love these cousins (the kids' parents) and want them there. Second, it wouldn't be quite fair. These are the kids of 2 cousins. But there are 6 or 7 other cousins with kids. With something like 11 or 12 kids between them. So that is a lot of kids and we don't want that. Which is why we're trying for the blanket "no kids". How do we invite some kids and not others when the parents are the same relation to us. It's not like this is family vs friends. It'd be family vs family. How do you separate those, you know?  

You have been given your answers, yes, it's okay to just invite these two children, it's called inviting in circles. However, if you truly don't want to invite them for whatever reason, then you have to accept that their parents may not attend your wedding because the people that normally look after their children will be attending. 

So, your conundrum is thus, you can either invite the children or suck up the fact that these people may choose not to be there. 

kahluakoala

Knottie10724897 said:

KahluaKoala said:

Can't you just invite these two kids and call it a day? I think most people understand "children of close family only" is a thing.

A few issues with this. One is that we don't want kids at our ceremony or reception. Even these kids. But we love these cousins (the kids' parents) and want them there. Second, it wouldn't be quite fair. These are the kids of 2 cousins. But there are 6 or 7 other cousins with kids. With something like 11 or 12 kids between them. So that is a lot of kids and we don't want that. Which is why we're trying for the blanket "no kids". How do we invite some kids and not others when the parents are the same relation to us. It's not like this is family vs friends. It'd be family vs family. How do you separate those, you know?  

So, I know everyone says "nobody leaves their kids with randos", and maybe that's true of modern parenting, but in the late 90's-early 00's when I was 14-16 I had a part time weekend job at a resort as their "babysitter" for weddings (I grew up in a popular resort town). I had  a CPR certification but that was about it as far as special credentials. I watched probably 8-10 kids most weekend (caveat, they were all 5+) and everything was fine. Plenty of parents used the service. The room was near the reception area so parents would pop out and check on their kids and a lot of them left early (say the wedding ended at 11 the parents would be heading out at 8:30/9). How old are the kids in question, this might make a difference? I can certainly see being hesitant to leave a toddler but you'd leave an older kid.

kahluakoala

To answer your original question. The B&G paid the resort who paid me and fed me (equivalent of a vendor meal, usually a sandwich). Most B&Gs also came by, thanked me for helping, tipped me, and offered me a piece of cake.

banana468

Knottie10724897 said:

KahluaKoala said:

Can't you just invite these two kids and call it a day? I think most people understand "children of close family only" is a thing.

A few issues with this. One is that we don't want kids at our ceremony or reception. Even these kids. But we love these cousins (the kids' parents) and want them there. Second, it wouldn't be quite fair. These are the kids of 2 cousins. But there are 6 or 7 other cousins with kids. With something like 11 or 12 kids between them. So that is a lot of kids and we don't want that. Which is why we're trying for the blanket "no kids". How do we invite some kids and not others when the parents are the same relation to us. It's not like this is family vs friends. It'd be family vs family. How do you separate those, you know?  

I think you need to know that it's going to be on the parents to make the decision that's best for their family at the time.   They are less likely to travel with their kids leaving them with an unknown sitter than they are to use a sitter in their home area.   And a lot of that hinges on the age of the kid.

DH and I were invited to a wedding when DD was about 1.   It was a no kids event and a 9 hour drive.   We declined and wished the couple well.   We weren't offended but we also weren't going out of our way to bounce DD for a minimum of two overnights either.   

Last year when DH's best friend got married in FL, we left the kids with the ILs for the weekend.   It was fine.

These people may be family but don't they have sitter options on the non family side?   Leave it up to them as to whether or not they'll attend.   Just understand that by not wanting kids there they may not make it and it's not because they're offended. 

SP29

I suppose you could contact your guests with children once your invites go out  but before RSVPs are due, or better yet, include a separate insert in your invitations and let your guests with children know, "We are offering babysitting at X hotel for the wedding".

But I do think what you're offering is tricky and possibly confusing. You want to have your cake and eat it too- that is the kicker when you have an event that children are not invited to; their parents may decline. Both are acceptable, so up to you to decide what is most important. 

You're kind of saying, "It's OK to bring your kids, but not". Usually when I've heard of babysitting being offered at wedding, it's either part of the reception room or in the same venue. They may all eat together at a kids table and play in a room with each other and a sitter. But they have still been invited to the wedding, and there is nothing stopping the children/parents from visiting each other.

I think it's confusing if you do not openly provide this information to all guests (which is why I suggested an insert in your invitations), because some guests may decline and be upset/confused to find out later some other cousins got free babysitting for the night because they asked/ raised a stink.

If you offer babysitting, you should be covering this cost (which includes food- I am sure the babysitters can figure out how to order pizza, but they should be provided with the money).

You may find that you are paying out a lot of money to have few guests use the service. Are you OK with that?

Perfectly fine to let guests figure this out on their own.

TheMostHappy15

Given that you don't want these kids there, I think all you should do is just mention to the parents "Hey- let us know if you want help finding a sitter for the wedding, we know a few good people to recommend" and leave it at that. You don't need to organize the sitter for them, pay for the sitter or whatever else... just let it be known if they need a name you can provide one and other than that the ball's in their court.

Of course, there's every chance your cousins might decline- that's the downside of doing a kid-free wedding. I know I wouldn't want to fly my kids somewhere just to spend more money on getting them a babysitter at the destination, but maybe if you're really close it'll be worth it to them.

charlotte989875

TheMostHappy15 said:

Given that you don't want these kids there, I think all you should do is just mention to the parents "Hey- let us know if you want help finding a sitter for the wedding, we know a few good people to recommend" and leave it at that. You don't need to organize the sitter for them, pay for the sitter or whatever else... just let it be known if they need a name you can provide one and other than that the ball's in their court.

This exactly. I had an adults only wedding. We had people travel from OOT. They made their own arrangements (mainly contacted in town cousins and arranged sitters together). This is pretty common in H's family but we also had suggestions on hand and we knew it might have meant people would have declined (thankfully they didn't). 

I think you just have to own your choice and if they can't make it, that's sad but if you don't want children at the wedding that's something you need to accept. 

Jen4948

It's sticky. On the one hand, you have every right not to want children at your wedding. But on the other hand, your guests have every right to refuse to attend without their kids.

You don't have to invite the kids. But as PPs note, many parents won't use babysitters they don't know.

If any of your guests play the "If my kid isn't invited I won't attend" card, your best response is "I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss you at the wedding."

Otherwise, you have to invite the kid -- which may open you up to having to explain your decision to other parents who you've told couldn't bring their kids.

So I think the best thing to do is just stand firm with your adults-only decision. That may mean that some guests won't accept your invitation -- but that's their decision to make, no matter how much you want them there. 

I agree that it sucks big-time when people decline your invitation because their kids aren't invited. But there isn't any other good solution other than actually inviting everyone's kids.