Etiquette

test

edited October 2016 in Etiquette

Re: test

  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
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    edited October 2016
    I am from MN and my fiance is from WA; we are getting married in WA to be close to his family, but plan to have a celebratory reception back in MN with a larger group (we're keeping the wedding small-ish because we don't want to ask everyone to travel/spend the money on a weekend out of town, especially those with limited resources). The MN reception will be similar to our actual wedding reception - we'll have apps, drinks, dessert, etc. at a venue. 

    This has caused a couple of etiquette conundrums:

    - bachelorette: can I invite friends who will be invited to our MN reception but not the WA wedding?  No.   It will be casual and possibly even free - a hike or possibly a beer at a local brewery.

    - shower: same issue, inviting those (especially friends of my parents) who will be invited to our MN reception but not WA wedding?  No.   This one is trickier as it often involves gift-giving, and I definitely do NOT want to see gift-grabby, only want to celebrate with those who express interest in doing so!

    Help!
    You get one wedding and one day.  Any other celebrations are not a part of your wedding, but simply a party to celebrate your recent marriage.  You cannot have two wedding receptions.

    Anyone who is invited to any showers or pre-wedding parties MUST also be invited to the ceremony and reception.  (Washington)  Whether, or not, they choose to attend is their own decision, not yours.

    It is perfectly fine to have a huge party to celebrate your recent marriage, but please do not call it a wedding reception because it is not.  You will already be a married couple, and your wedding day will have passed.  No "first dance", no wedding dress, no bridal attendants in their dresses,no bouquet tossing, no ritual cake cutting.  Those things are for your wedding reception in Washington.  You can have dancing, food, drinks, toasts (not "to the bride and groom") and have a wonderful party for your guests in Minnesota.  Just don't try to turn it into a second wedding reception.  It is not a consolation prize for those who were not invited to your wedding.
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  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238
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    edited October 2016

    Yeah, I have to agree that you only get one wedding day. If you want to have a small wedding that is fine, have a small wedding.  But don't decide how people can and can't spend their money.  Plan one wedding that includes everyone who you want to be there.  Plan it for whatever place you would like and then invite everyone to that wedding.  That frees you from all of the "Conundrums" that you are currently facing.  It allows you to invite everyone you want to the showers/bachelorette, etc.

    As a side note, if a lot of family can't make it to the actual wedding, or you want a small intimate wedding nothing is stopping you from hosting a "meet the new couple" BBQ after you're married.  Just make sure to host it like any other party...it is not a second reception, but a party.

    ETF: Words...they escaped me!

    SP29
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited October 2016
    You get one wedding regardless of where it is. Anyone invited to the day you get legally married may be invited to a shower, hen do, any sort of pre-wedding party. If you want to have a small event, that is fine, but that is your wedding day. After this day, you are a wife, not a bride, so nothing bridal or wedding related should happen at any subsequent parties. 

    After your wedding, you are welcome to have a celebration of marriage party, but this is just a party, no a redo wedding. It should not have any wedding trappings like redo ceremonies, attendants, wedding gowns, first dances etc. Also, you should not expect gifts at this second event. 

    Personally, I hate celebration of wedding parties unless your wedding was extremely small (like family-only and under 20 people). It seems like a consolation prize party. 

    I think you should invite anyone you want at your wedding to your  actual wedding, and if you want to throw a party later, great, but this is not a wedding. I would find it hurtful if I was not invited to a friend/ family member's wedding solely because I lived far away. 
  • Agree with @CMGragain.  People not invited to the wedding should not be invited to pre-wedding events, ie shower and b-party.  That's basic etiquette.  For whatever reason, you don't feel close enough to these people to invite them to your wedding.  Especially since you are having a small wedding.  Totally fine.  But then it's rude to invite them to pre-wedding events. 

    It doesn't matter you are having a big party back in your hometown post wedding.  That is not a wedding.  That is not a reception.  It's a party.  You can call it a "celebration of marriage" or "meet the new couple" party, but you need to erase the word "reception" out of your thinking.  I think it sounds like a great idea!  But you need to call a spade, a spade.

    And you can always invite whoever you wish to your wedding.  Even if you think they can't/won't come.  You shouldn't count on their not coming, you might be surprised.  But, as long as they are invited to the wedding, they can then choose to just go to the shower (since its local) and not the wedding.

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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    You should only be inviting people to your bach and shower that will be witnessing your actual wedding. So, no, the people invited to just the party in MN should not be invited to any pre-wedding parties. 

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    DD are rude, please don't do that.  The consolation party is also rude, so again, please don't do that.

    What it SOUNDS like you want is a destination wedding and an At Home Reception.  However, everyone should be invited to witness the wedding.  And for those that cannot attend the actual wedding, the AHR is the back up celebration to include the people who were unable to attend.  If you go about planning your wedding this way, you can invite anyone invited to the wedding to any pre-wedding parties like the shower or b-party.  What you are planning isn't terrible, but with a few changes you will fall onto the right side of etiquette.

    cowgirl8238ernursejSP29
  • Hubby's whole family was from MN. Wedding was in St. Louis, MO.
    Considered for a while inviting his whole family to wedding and also inviting them all to a celebration in MN (and then including kids too since we only invited adults to the wedding).

    But we decided it was just a lot of extra money to spend. We figured those we were really close to would make the trip or we'd catch up with soon enough. And that's exactly what happened.

    Are you truly not inviting guests to your actual wedding because you don't want them to have to travel? Then fear not. Just because you invite them they still don't have to travel if they don't want to.

    I agree with everyone and think the at-home "reception" is unneeded. But if you insist on it...
    There is no reason to have two different guest lists unless there's actually a different reason (space, money) that you don't want to invite everyone to your actual wedding. Two different guest lists is tiering. Don't do it. Invite all people invited to the at-home party to your actual wedding. Invite all MN guests from your wedding guest list to the at-home party. The benefit to this, is if anyone from MN decides to throw you a shower, you'll be able to invite everyone since they'll all be getting wedding invites.

    ahoyweddingCMGragainInLoveInQueens
  • @aurianna That's what we're doing too. Having the wedding where we live now, inviting ALL family (across a zillion states) and if anyone from my home state can't make it, we're going to have a casual cookout at my parents' house when we're back there this summer to catch up & so they can meet FH. And I've been surprised with the people who have been making plans to travel so far!
    CMGragainInLoveInQueens
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