Am I wrong?

Knottie1430077199

My fiance and I got engaged in April of 2015--18 months ago. From the beginning we have been saying there will be no kids invited. This initially started because we wanted to keep numbers low, as many of our friends now have kids. The only exception is family, being our three nephews. 

There is one invited couple in particular (who we know through other friends and mostly invited them because they invited us to their wedding) who we know to be pregnant, and her due date is just days before our wedding. When I never received an RSVP, I assumed they were not planning on coming, but went ahead and emailed her to ask if they were planning on attending. She asked if it would be okay if she brought her perspective three-day-old newborn to the wedding. I was shocked. My fiance and I debated for days on what to say. Today I finally told her that because we are not allowing other friends' kids to come, we feel that we should keep the wedding as 'no kids.' 

I am by no means a bridezilla, and frankly keep my cool quite easily, but I can't help being upset at how snarky this girl got with me about it. She guilt-tripped me twice by saying things like how she "can't leave her teeny tiny brand new baby" with somebody else for the wedding (and frankly, I agree with this) and how she only asked because HER best  friend (whose husband is a groomsman) is bringing HER newborn (which is not true).

Did I really say or do something wrong? I barely even know this person!

[Deleted User]

Knottie1430077199 said:

My fiance and I got engaged in April of 2015--18 months ago. From the beginning we have been saying there will be no kids invited. This initially started because we wanted to keep numbers low, as many of our friends now have kids. The only exception is family, being our three nephews. 

There is one invited couple in particular (who we know through other friends and mostly invited them because they invited us to their wedding) who we know to be pregnant, and her due date is just days before our wedding. When I never received an RSVP, I assumed they were not planning on coming, but went ahead and emailed her to ask if they were planning on attending. She asked if it would be okay if she brought her perspective three-day-old newborn to the wedding. I was shocked. My fiance and I debated for days on what to say. Today I finally told her that because we are not allowing other friends' kids to come, we feel that we should keep the wedding as 'no kids.' 

I am by no means a bridezilla, and frankly keep my cool quite easily, but I can't help being upset at how snarky this girl got with me about it. She guilt-tripped me twice by saying things like how she "can't leave her teeny tiny brand new baby" with somebody else for the wedding (and frankly, I agree with this) and how she only asked because HER best  friend (whose husband is a groomsman) is bringing HER newborn (which is not true).

Did I really say or do something wrong? I barely even know this person!

I can't imagine any of my mom friends having any interest bringing their three day old newborn to a wedding. That alone puts her on the crazy list, in my opinion. Maybe some moms will disagree with me (you are welcome to). 

No, you are not wrong. I'm assuming you were gracious when responding because that's the only potential I could see where you went wrong here. Provides you stuck with "I am sorry but kids other than immediate family cannot be accommodated at our wedding....I completely understand, will mark you down as a no and you will be missed. All the best with your delivery.", the issue is definitely with her. Just stand your ground, continue to be gracious and then let it go. 

...and are you positive the groomsmens wife isn't planning to bring her baby? 

geebee908

Knottie1430077199 said:

My fiance and I got engaged in April of 2015--18 months ago. From the beginning we have been saying there will be no kids invited. This initially started because we wanted to keep numbers low, as many of our friends now have kids. The only exception is family, being our three nephews. 

There is one invited couple in particular (who we know through other friends and mostly invited them because they invited us to their wedding) who we know to be pregnant, and her due date is just days before our wedding. When I never received an RSVP, I assumed they were not planning on coming, but went ahead and emailed her to ask if they were planning on attending. She asked if it would be okay if she brought her perspective three-day-old newborn to the wedding. I was shocked. My fiance and I debated for days on what to say. Today I finally told her that because we are not allowing other friends' kids to come, we feel that we should keep the wedding as 'no kids.' 

I am by no means a bridezilla, and frankly keep my cool quite easily, but I can't help being upset at how snarky this girl got with me about it. She guilt-tripped me twice by saying things like how she "can't leave her teeny tiny brand new baby" with somebody else for the wedding (and frankly, I agree with this) and how she only asked because HER best  friend (whose husband is a groomsman) is bringing HER newborn (which is not true).

Did I really say or do something wrong? I barely even know this person!

You weren't wrong to tell her that you couldn't accommodate the baby. I'm sure she can't leave such a young baby and that means she would need to decline your invitation. Frankly, babies rarely come on their due dates; she could very well still be pregnant on your wedding day, but you can't plan for that. I'd let the snark roll off your back especially since you're not close to her anyway. She won't be missed.

SaintPaulGal

Ironring said:

Knottie1430077199 said:

My fiance and I got engaged in April of 2015--18 months ago. From the beginning we have been saying there will be no kids invited. This initially started because we wanted to keep numbers low, as many of our friends now have kids. The only exception is family, being our three nephews. 

There is one invited couple in particular (who we know through other friends and mostly invited them because they invited us to their wedding) who we know to be pregnant, and her due date is just days before our wedding. When I never received an RSVP, I assumed they were not planning on coming, but went ahead and emailed her to ask if they were planning on attending. She asked if it would be okay if she brought her perspective three-day-old newborn to the wedding. I was shocked. My fiance and I debated for days on what to say. Today I finally told her that because we are not allowing other friends' kids to come, we feel that we should keep the wedding as 'no kids.' 

I am by no means a bridezilla, and frankly keep my cool quite easily, but I can't help being upset at how snarky this girl got with me about it. She guilt-tripped me twice by saying things like how she "can't leave her teeny tiny brand new baby" with somebody else for the wedding (and frankly, I agree with this) and how she only asked because HER best  friend (whose husband is a groomsman) is bringing HER newborn (which is not true).

Did I really say or do something wrong? I barely even know this person!

I can't imagine any of my mom friends having any interest bringing their three day old newborn to a wedding. That alone puts her on the crazy list, in my opinion. Maybe some moms will disagree with me (you are welcome to). 

No, you are not wrong. I'm assuming you were gracious when responding because that's the only potential I could see where you went wrong here. Provides you stuck with "I am sorry but kids other than immediate family cannot be accommodated at our wedding....I completely understand, will mark you down as a no and you will be missed. All the best with your delivery.", the issue is definitely with her. Just stand your ground, continue to be gracious and then let it go. 

...and are you positive the groomsmens wife isn't planning to bring her baby? 

This is what stuck out for me, too.  I have a feeling you may be in for a surprise when the groomsman and his wife show up with baby in tow.  If this woman's best friend told her that she will be bringing the newborn, I think it is highly likely that that is the case.  I'd recommend finding a non-gossipy for your fi to bring this up with his groomsman ASAP.

SaintPaulGal

Oh, and I suppose I should answer your actual question as well: no, you are not wrong to stick to your guns on the no-kids thing, whether the kid in question is 3 hours, 3 days, or 3 years old at the time.

Knottie1430077199

Ironring said:

I can't imagine any of my mom friends having any interest bringing their three day old newborn to a wedding. That alone puts her on the crazy list, in my opinion. Maybe some moms will disagree with me (you are welcome to). 

No, you are not wrong. I'm assuming you were gracious when responding because that's the only potential I could see where you went wrong here. Provides you stuck with "I am sorry but kids other than immediate family cannot be accommodated at our wedding....I completely understand, will mark you down as a no and you will be missed. All the best with your delivery.", the issue is definitely with her. Just stand your ground, continue to be gracious and then let it go. 

...and are you positive the groomsmens wife isn't planning to bring her baby? 

The groomsman's wife had told me previously she wouldn't be bringing any of her kids (she has 3). Lately she's been hinting that she may bring her three-month-old, also claiming she didn't want to be away from him, even though she stresses that she plans on drinking and dancing quite a bit. I was polite but firm about my feelings with her as well, but I'm still nervous she may decide to bring him anyway. I'm getting the feeling that she was trying to see what would happen with her friend before saying anything to either of us. The two girls together tend to be attention-seekers to begin with, so I can't say I this was completely unexpected. 

charlotte989875

You're not wrong, but honestly I'd make an exception for new born or nursing babies. They don't cost anything extra (there's no need for a meal for them) or even a place setting. Weddings are long and for families with new horns that's a long time to leave them alone (if it's even possible), so if it were me I'd probably just let her bring the infant if she wanted to attend. There are other children attending. 

6fsn

I don't think you were really wrong, but I would have given a newborn a pass.  I really can't think of a damn thing I wanted to do 3 days postpartum though. 

MobKaz

6fsn said:

I don't think you were really wrong, but I would have given a newborn a pass.  I really can't think of a damn thing I wanted to do 3 days postpartum though. 

I cannot fathom wanting to attend a wedding literally the day after being discharged from the hospital.  I also cannot fathom taking a 3 DAY old baby out anywhere unnecessarily.  If this is her first child, she probably has absolutely NO clue as to how she will be feeling, or the needs of her newborn. 

Knottie1430077199

MobKaz said:

6fsn said:

I don't think you were really wrong, but I would have given a newborn a pass.  I really can't think of a damn thing I wanted to do 3 days postpartum though. 

I cannot fathom wanting to attend a wedding literally the day after being discharged from the hospital.  I also cannot fathom taking a 3 DAY old baby out anywhere unnecessarily.  If this is her first child, she probably has absolutely NO clue as to how she will be feeling, or the needs of her newborn. 

I totally agree. I don't think I'd even attend a family wedding that soon after childbirth.  It really makes me question her motives since I know a lot of her friends will be there. 

ei34

Nursing newborns usually get a pass on the "no kids" rule (from both the hosts and any would-be disgruntled parents whose own kids weren't invited).   But you're certainly not wrong to stick to your guns (politely).  I think your friend is being ridiculous for wanting to bring such a young, unvaccinated baby around so many people.  And I hate when people get pushy.  
When my babies were three days old I don't know what on earth I would've worn to a wedding that could've hidden my mesh panty-diaper 

Knottie1430077199

I think the other factor that's really bugging me is that she waited until I asked if she was coming (with two weeks to go) to even bring it up. If she had brought this up months ago, I feel like I could have mulled it over and got used to the possibility. Like I said, she's the friend of a friend, so I really didn't think she'd be this insistent  on coming to my wedding at a time like this.  

levioosa

I'm loling at the thought of her thinking she'll want to be anywhere near a wedding three days after delivery.  Is this her first?  Homegirl has no idea what's about to hit her.  

kimmiinthemitten

Man, this was disappointing!  Usually the 'am I wrong threads' are a shit show, but OP you're all right. Damn.

banana468

levioosa said:

I'm loling at the thought of her thinking she'll want to be anywhere near a wedding three days after delivery.  Is this her first?  Homegirl has no idea what's about to hit her.  

All of this.   If she gives birth she's not going to want to do anything but wear sweats and mesh underpants with giant pads.  

Maybe if she's done this before it could be different but after my first I remember feeling like crap.  

TrixieJess

banana468 said:

levioosa said:

I'm loling at the thought of her thinking she'll want to be anywhere near a wedding three days after delivery.  Is this her first?  Homegirl has no idea what's about to hit her.  

All of this.   If she gives birth she's not going to want to do anything but wear sweats and mesh underpants with giant pads.  

Maybe if she's done this before it could be different but after my first I remember feeling like crap.  

I just wanted to sleep and eat all the food. OP, you did nothing wrong. Please let us know what happens after your wedding.

Heffalump

Yeah, she definitely sounds like a first time mom, based on the fact that she's making plans for 3 days after she gives birth, and has that much faith in due dates.  (Also, at ~3 days postpartum, her milk will probably be coming in, and I can't imagine dealing with that while dressed up for a wedding.)

I agree with PP: many times, the hosts make an exception for nursing babies, but it's not mandatory.  We all make choices: you can choose not to invite kids knowing that some guests may not be able to attend, and guests can choose to get a sitter (in general, not necessarily for a baby who isn't even a week old yet) or stay home.

I would just reiterate that the invitation was for this friend and her SO, full stop.  With the other friend with the 3 mo. old, if it were me, I would personally probably give her a pass, but it's by no means required.

kvruns

I'm laughing about wanting to be going to a wedding 3 days after giving birth too. heck I have plans to attend a Christmas show 2.5 weeks after my due date and I'm not sure it will happen or what the hell I would wear. Can't imagine 3 days later, assuming the kid comes on time. 

OliveOilsMom

I can't imagine wanting to go anywhere 3 days post partum and I'm only baking my baby still! 

I am sort of in a similar situation as that mom-to-be.  My niece wants me to be her confirmation sponsor which is currently planned for March.  I'm due mid-March.  I hope I will be able to go and participate for her!  She is allowed to have a back-up in case I can't go.  While she doesn't have the exact date of the confirmation yet, she did adorably tell me that I should be good to go because her confirmation will be on a Saturday and my due date is on a Sunday!  Bless her heart!

charlotte989875

A little off topic, but I think the "she doesn't know what she's doing" or "she's not thinking about the needs of her child" are a little unfair. We don't know anything about this woman. Maybe she will be a new mom, maybe she has ten kids and knows what to expect. Maybe she has a nanny or family that are planning to be with her. Who knows. But I just reads a little condescending to me to say that she isn't taking the needs of her newborn into account and that she can't possibly be thinking of doing this. It's her life and choice. 

FTR, I don't have kids, so I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But it just sounds like a few people are putting down this woman for even thinking she might still try to attend a wedding near her due date. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

A little off topic, but I think the "she doesn't know what she's doing" or "she's not thinking about the needs of her child" are a little unfair. We don't know anything about this woman. Maybe she will be a new mom, maybe she has ten kids and knows what to expect. Maybe she has a nanny or family that are planning to be with her. Who knows. But I just reads a little condescending to me to say that she isn't taking the needs of her newborn into account and that she can't possibly be thinking of doing this. It's her life and choice. 

FTR, I don't have kids, so I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But it just sounds like a few people are putting down this woman for even thinking she might still try to attend a wedding near her due date. 

It's that until you go through childbirth, you don't know what to expect.   

I was this woman.   I had no clue what life had in store for me.    I don't mean it as an insult but I do think that she's potentially really naive.   

If she's feeling up to it, great.   After my secold child I felt fantastic.    But baby number one came out and I felt like poo.  

*Barbie*

6fsn said:

I don't think you were really wrong, but I would have given a newborn a pass.  I really can't think of a damn thing I wanted to do 3 days postpartum though. 

I was still in the hospital 3 days postpartum. 

charlotte989875

banana468 said:

charlotte989875 said:

A little off topic, but I think the "she doesn't know what she's doing" or "she's not thinking about the needs of her child" are a little unfair. We don't know anything about this woman. Maybe she will be a new mom, maybe she has ten kids and knows what to expect. Maybe she has a nanny or family that are planning to be with her. Who knows. But I just reads a little condescending to me to say that she isn't taking the needs of her newborn into account and that she can't possibly be thinking of doing this. It's her life and choice. 

FTR, I don't have kids, so I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But it just sounds like a few people are putting down this woman for even thinking she might still try to attend a wedding near her due date. 

It's that until you go through childbirth, you don't know what to expect.   

I was this woman.   I had no clue what life had in store for me.    I don't mean it as an insult but I do think that she's potentially really naive.   

If she's feeling up to it, great.   After my secold child I felt fantastic.    But baby number one came out and I felt like poo.  

I agree with all of this. I guess some of the comments about "she's crazy" or "she's not thinking about her newborn child" rubbed me the wrong way. She may feel terrible and want to decline. She may feel great and want to go. And I agree probably won't know until the child is born. 

She also might not have the baby yet and feel okay. Or the baby might come weeks early. No one has any idea, so to say absolutely she's crazy or implying she has no idea what she's doing just seems a little unfair to me. 

TrixieJess

*Barbie* said:

6fsn said:

I don't think you were really wrong, but I would have given a newborn a pass.  I really can't think of a damn thing I wanted to do 3 days postpartum though. 

I was still in the hospital 3 days postpartum. 

Yep, my hospital didn't release until 72 hours postpartum, for anyone. They wanted to keep me for an extra day but thankfully my nurse said it would be better for me to go home, I think she saw the murder look in my eyes. 

missfrodo

Stupid question from someone with no kids, but aren't you supposed to keep the baby away from large crowds of germ-infested people for a while, or is it ok as long as they're breast-feeding?  This convo has got me curious now.

TrixieJess

missfrodo said:

Stupid question from someone with no kids, but aren't you supposed to keep the baby away from large crowds of germ-infested people for a while, or is it ok as long as they're breast-feeding?  This convo has got me curious now.

I was out and about with my baby the day after I was home. I couldn't stay cooped up in my apartment. He didn't get sick until he was 18 months old. I took him to coffee shops, libraries, restaurants, the mall, on buses, anywhere I had to go. 

thefanciestbeckler

missfrodo said:

Stupid question from someone with no kids, but aren't you supposed to keep the baby away from large crowds of germ-infested people for a while, or is it ok as long as they're breast-feeding?  This convo has got me curious now.

I think that's something that used to be common practice, but it seems like people are getting less and less strict about it. I don't have kids yet, but several of my friends have babies and most of them have taken their babies out as soon as the mother felt up to getting out of the house.

*Barbie*

missfrodo said:

Stupid question from someone with no kids, but aren't you supposed to keep the baby away from large crowds of germ-infested people for a while, or is it ok as long as they're breast-feeding?  This convo has got me curious now.

My doctor told us to try to limit it until Wolverine got her first set of shots at ~2 months, but she was also a preemie (born @34W), so they wanted us to be extra careful. She spent the first 12 days in the NICU, so she wasn't out and about that early, anyways.

I used (and probably even abused) that advice when it suited my needs, but I did take her out before the shots - she was maybe ~6 weeks old when I took her for photos and to see Santa/christmas shop/run errands. I used it to my advantage to limit SIL from bringing nephew (who was ~3ish) to our house - he was destructive, had no discipline, and was constantly sick. I didn't feel like dealing with it, so I may have added on a few months when talking to SIL. (This was fully supported by DK, so hooray for a united front.)

levioosa

If I ever have kids here, I'm going to keep them at home until they can get some vaccinations.  In some of my surrounding areas, vaccination rates are horrifically low.  Like, equal to the South Sudan low.  Nope, my kid does not need whooping cough because you listen to Jenny McCarthy.

KatWAG

Knottie1430077199 said:

Ironring said:

I can't imagine any of my mom friends having any interest bringing their three day old newborn to a wedding. That alone puts her on the crazy list, in my opinion. Maybe some moms will disagree with me (you are welcome to). 

No, you are not wrong. I'm assuming you were gracious when responding because that's the only potential I could see where you went wrong here. Provides you stuck with "I am sorry but kids other than immediate family cannot be accommodated at our wedding....I completely understand, will mark you down as a no and you will be missed. All the best with your delivery.", the issue is definitely with her. Just stand your ground, continue to be gracious and then let it go. 

...and are you positive the groomsmens wife isn't planning to bring her baby? 

The groomsman's wife had told me previously she wouldn't be bringing any of her kids (she has 3). Lately she's been hinting that she may bring her three-month-old, also claiming she didn't want to be away from him, even though she stresses that she plans on drinking and dancing quite a bit. I was polite but firm about my feelings with her as well, but I'm still nervous she may decide to bring him anyway. I'm getting the feeling that she was trying to see what would happen with her friend before saying anything to either of us. The two girls together tend to be attention-seekers to begin with, so I can't say I this was completely unexpected. 

You might want to talk with your fi and figure out how you want to handle it, if she does show up with her baby. Ask her to leave? Ignore it? etc. 

kvruns

thefanciestbeckler said:

missfrodo said:

Stupid question from someone with no kids, but aren't you supposed to keep the baby away from large crowds of germ-infested people for a while, or is it ok as long as they're breast-feeding?  This convo has got me curious now.

I think that's something that used to be common practice, but it seems like people are getting less and less strict about it. I don't have kids yet, but several of my friends have babies and most of them have taken their babies out as soon as the mother felt up to getting out of the house.

I definitely plan on some outings because otherwise I might go crazy, but at the same time I don't plan to take him somewhere exposed to a bunch of people at once (like my friend's child's bday party I usually go to and then wind up sick myself). but taking him on a walk in the mall will happen or I will go insane