No friends, no family.. no wedding?

BeckToTheFuture

Hey, my first post.. alrighty then.

So, I could go into way too much detail about it, but the jist is, I really have no friends or family too invite to my wedding.

We've been engaged about a month, but haven't really discussed a wedding yet. Neither one of us wants a big wedding. If we do have a wedding, it would just be family and close friends. That's there problem for me.

I don't have a relationship with my biological mother. I completely cut her out of my life 9 years ago and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. My relationship with my father is strained at best. His wife doesn't want to admit that I exist, and I'm only slightly acquainted with my brother and sister. Half siblings on my dad's side. So.. I don't really feel that any of them are required on the wedding day.

As far as friends go.. because of the relationship with my mother, I didn't have any friends growing up. She pretty much prevented me from having any. As an adult, I didn't really form close friendships with many people. My fiance is in the military, so the two or three people I would have considered close enough to invite to a wedding are now over 2000 miles away.

My fiance is very close with his family and has friends from his childhood that could really be considered brothers. I love his family. I'm closer with them then I am with my own. I'm so happy to be marrying into such a loving group of people.

I'm honestly embarrassed. I feel like if we had a real wedding, it would just be his family and friends.. and me as an outsider. On top of not having any friends or family to invite, I have severe anxiety. I hate being the center of attention. I like getting all dolled up, but I get really nervous and self conscious if people are watching me.

I'm starting to think that placing a wedding isn't worth the stress. If I don't have anyone to invite and don't want to be the day to focus on me, should we just go to the courthouse and do the paperwork? 

ILoveBeachMusic

You said you are close to his family. They will be your family too. You can have a small wedding with just his family in attendance if you want to do so. No problem with that. You can also go to the courthouse and have a ceremony there. You could also have a private ceremony at a church if that is something that would be important to you. All are "right" answers. It is totally up to you and your FI. Good luck!

kimmiinthemitten

Sorry to hear about your estranged family. That must have been rough. 

I agree with @ilovebeachmusic.  I assume they know that you don't speak with your family so there's nothing to be embarrassed about there.  Plan the nuptials the way you both want them, and invite and celebrate with the people who you want to celebrate with and who are important enough to you both to be invited to the occasion; even if they live 2000 miles away. There's no rule that you can't get dolled up at a courthouse, in a small ceremony or even for an elopement if you so choose. 

drunkenwitch

I don't often say this because the phrase gets really misused sometimes but it applies here, it's your wedding, do what makes you and your FI happy.

For starters, anytime two people say I do to each other, and sign a marriage license it's a real wedding.  No matter where it is, how it's done or how many people witness it. Put that thought out of your head. No matter what you choose to do, it will be a real wedding.

You don't have to wear a big white dress and get your hair done and the whole nine yards. You can get married in anything you want. Maybe you have a favorite outfit hanging in your closet, or you could go buy a lovely cocktail dress that you can wear again. If your a pantssuit gal, you can wear that. Makeup isn't required, you can skip that as well. Wear what makes you comfortable and happy.

You do have a family, family isn't made out of blood and dna  it's made out of love. Start thinking of them as "our family". You will have guests at the wedding who love you, they aren't "his guest" they are "our guests".  My BF struggled with something similar. When we started dating he'd only lived in tbe area a few years, I've been here my entire life so I had a much larger circle of friends, they all love him and welcomed him into the group. It took quite a long time for me to show him that they weren't just my friends, they were also his friends. 

Finally, the ceremony and reception do not have to be fancy and elaborate. It can be a courthouse wedding then take the people who came with you out to dinner. It can be a cake and punch reception.  It can be a simple morning wedding followed by a brunch reception.  It can be in a park and afterwards everyone has lemonade and sandwiches.  You can elope. There are tons of options that are low key, low stress and won't break the bank.  

I truly sympathize with what you've been through and I applaud you for cutting off ties to your toxic mother. That decision is very hard and very emotional and it takes a lot of strength and self awareness to do that. Now you need to stop thinking about what you don't have or didn't have and focus on what you do have. You are marrying your best friend and getting a new family that loves and accepts you. Good luck.

CMGragain

BeckToTheFuture said:

Hey, my first post.. alrighty then.

So, I could go into way too much detail about it, but the jist is, I really have no friends or family too invite to my wedding.

We've been engaged about a month, but haven't really discussed a wedding yet. Neither one of us wants a big wedding. If we do have a wedding, it would just be family and close friends. That's there problem for me.

I don't have a relationship with my biological mother. I completely cut her out of my life 9 years ago and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. My relationship with my father is strained at best. His wife doesn't want to admit that I exist, and I'm only slightly acquainted with my brother and sister. Half siblings on my dad's side. So.. I don't really feel that any of them are required on the wedding day.

As far as friends go.. because of the relationship with my mother, I didn't have any friends growing up. She pretty much prevented me from having any. As an adult, I didn't really form close friendships with many people. My fiance is in the military, so the two or three people I would have considered close enough to invite to a wedding are now over 2000 miles away.

My fiance is very close with his family and has friends from his childhood that could really be considered brothers. I love his family. I'm closer with them then I am with my own. I'm so happy to be marrying into such a loving group of people.

I'm honestly embarrassed. I feel like if we had a real wedding, it would just be his family and friends.. and me as an outsider. On top of not having any friends or family to invite, I have severe anxiety. I hate being the center of attention. I like getting all dolled up, but I get really nervous and self conscious if people are watching me.

I'm starting to think that placing a wedding isn't worth the stress. If I don't have anyone to invite and don't want to be the day to focus on me, should we just go to the courthouse and do the paperwork? 

I am very confused by your post.  What do you think "a real wedding" is?

If you go to the courthouse, get a license, and fulfill the state requirements for marriage - that is a "real wedding".  Thousands of couples do this every year.

Do you think the bride's side and the groom's side of the guest list have to be even?  They don't.

"Real weddings" have a couple that wants to be married, a license, an officiant (in most states), and legal witnesses.  There are no other requirements.  If you have any guests, you must have a reception for them to thank them for coming to your ceremony.  This can be as simple as cake and punch in the afternoon, or as elaborate as a formal dinner with dancing.  Since neither of you want a big wedding, I suggest you plan a small one that makes you both happy.

cowgirl8238

I get the whole not having a lot of friends/family.  While I do have a relationship with my mother, father and brother that is pretty much the only family that I had when meeting my FI.  I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you in your situation.  But I do applaud you for cutting ties with a toxic person.

I am also a bit confused by what you are defining as a "real wedding".  Anything that makes you legally married to your Husband is a real wedding and as others have covered, it can be anywhere between super simple and complex party.

I would like to remind you of something that took me some time to learn as well and that is that your FI's family is your family too.  It took me some time to get used to this myself, but it sounds like they have your back.  Just focus on the happy things.  Focus on marrying your FI and on the family (and friends) you share. 

SaintPaulGal

Well first of all, I have to reiterate what other posters have already pointed out: whatever unites you and the person you love in marriage is a "real wedding."  It doesn't have to have a giant poofy white dress or a big ass cake or a thousand guests to be a real wedding.  A court house wedding is just as real as any other.

So now that that is out of the way, it is completely up to you and your future husband to decide what sort of wedding is right for you.  I would strongly urge you not to let the fact that his social circle is bigger than yours make you feel bad or embarrassed.  At a wedding there is no such thing as "his guests" and "her guests."  Everybody is there for both of you.  And your friends who live elsewhere?  If they are able to come, they won't be the first or the last people to travel long distances to see their friends tie the knot.

OliveOilsMom

Invite your friends who live 2000 miles away.  Give them enough notice for the wedding and they may be able to attend.  People truly will make every effort to attend a wedding because they are special events that don't occur very often.

Next, begin to think of your FI's family as your family.  They will be officially your family at your wedding when you legally wed your FI.  So don't think of yourself as not having any family in attendance. 

My H had a similar situation to you.  His dad did have many siblings and a large extended family.  His dad passed prior to us meeting and based on a few events that happened after his dad's passing.  H no longer thinks of them as family.  They were not invited to our wedding.  MIL was an only child and has no other living relatives now.  So H's only family was his mom and brother.  However, my H's family has been fully integrated into my extended family.  They were all at our wedding, for us, not just me.  So please, try to adjust your thoughts on family.

As for your wedding, I think you need to talk with your FI (if you haven't already) about your anxieties of being center of attention and with the guest list.  Together you two can find a wedding that will work for you both.

SP29

Just wanted to echo that you should invite your friends that live 2000 miles away. You'd be surprised who will travel for your wedding. And even if they can't, let them make that decision, don't make the decision for them.

I also echo that you should start to think of FI's family as your family. It sucks you are not close with your family, but it seems like a smart move that you have removed the toxic people from your life- good for you! Now LET FI's family fill that space.

You don't need to have a big wedding. You could have a private ceremony at the courthouse, just the two of you, and still get all dolled up. Or you could have a smaller event- family and close friends- that involves a ceremony followed by cake and punch, brunch, lunch or dinner at a restaurant or intimate venue.

short+sassy

Like the other PPs have said, do what makes you and your FI happy.  But don't be afraid of having a small, intimate wedding.  His family IS your family and it sounds like they already love and adore you also.

My H and I got married in my hometown, halfway across the country from where we live.  He is totally estranged from his family.  With the exception of his BM, every single guest was my family member or my friend.  We had a small wedding with 35 guests and he had never met at least half of them.

He was welcomed with open arms by all.  The whole atmosphere was "joyful wedding".  It wasn't "oh yay, short&sassy's wedding to some guy".  The people who didn't know him were excited to meet him.  And he was socializing just as much as I was, even though he is a little bit of an introvert also.  NOBODY is going to be mulling over where "your" guests are, for lack of a better term.  They are just going to be happy for the both of you.

BeckToTheFuture

So I did some checking. My dad's side said unless I get married in the small town where they live (in which I have zero emotional investment) that they won't make the trip. Same thing for a few of my friends. I asked if they would be able to attend, if given enough notice to arrange for vacation days and travel. Only one said she would. I don't think I can justify the expense of a ceremony and reception for nine guests. (My fiance decided it would be best for him to just have his immediate family and his two best friends.)

If this is really how they all feel, I guess having a courthouse ceremony and going out to dinner afterward is really my only option.

*Barbie*

BeckToTheFuture said:

If this is really how they all feel, I guess having a courthouse ceremony and going out to dinner afterward is really my only option.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with this if it's what makes sense for the 2 of you. It will probably help you to relax that it will be simple/a small group. You'll save a ton of money - so you can go all out on an amazing dinner, a fantastic honeymoon, etc. Find a restaurant that you love that has a private room and rent it out for the evening or do something that's special and unique to you and your H. (rent out an old theater and watch a movie with gourmet snacks, take everyone to an amusement park, charter a boat and have a party, etc.)

Keep in mind the day is to celebrate your love, becoming a family. Just do what makes you happy. 

MesmrEwe

BeckToTheFuture said:

If this is really how they all feel, I guess having a courthouse ceremony and going out to dinner afterward is really my only option.

This one - "THEY" can feel whatever, it's what YOU and FI FEEL that matters on this one!  I've been to events of four people total and had the greatest time!  It's what you bring to it!  You can have a wedding of 15 people with all the "weddingy" things and have a glorious time!  You don't have to have a courthouse wedding, you can have a wedding at a beautiful venue and bring in a JOP or other officiant and it be the wedding of your dreams with only the few of you there!  Decide what you two want regardless of these other people.  If you don't want a courthouse wedding, don't have one!  I've had friends get married in lavish sculpture gardens all the way to those who've gotten married poolside, to those who had a pop-up tent in their driveway to those who've had a ceremony in the chapel at their church.  Size doesn't matter, you'll still be married at the end of the ceremony!  That doesn't mean you have to "give up" what you want because of how someone else feels..

LondonLisa

OP, What do you want? It sounds like you are really trying to please your family when they have shown that they don't feel the same way about you. It is totally rubbish and isn't fair. But this is the time to start thinking about in a dream world, what would be your ideal situation? Not thinking about guests right now, how do you want it to look? Where do you want to be? What do you want to wear?

It isn't 1940 where people get married at 17 and they have no overlap between friend/ family circles. Most people I know I am mutual friends with both of the couple, so I rarely attend as part of a "side". Your Fi's family is going to be your family now, and you are close with them. That is great. You need to reframe your thoughts on this about who you think you "should" invite because of tradition, and who you actually want to invite. These people love you. I assume they know your past. And you are celebrating gaining this new and loving extended family that you really like, as well as celebrating starting your own family with your fi. 

Also, don't feel like you have to have a restaurant wedding if it is small (personally, I love restaurant weddings, but if that is not what you want, don't have it!). Or that you can't have dancing.  There are plenty of venues that are amazing that have intimate spaces. There were many places I would have LOVED to have my wedding but couldn't because they only had space for c.15 people. Look at museums, botanical gardens, libraries, historic homes, rooftop bars and yes, fancy restaurants. 

Why can you not have 10 people and get married on the beach, or at a cabin, or a church? There is no rule that you have to have a minimum number of people or you have to go to a courthouse. With small guests, you are actually able to have a ton more flexibility with food and location, as you aren't tied to these massive hotel halls, and caterers who can get food out for 150+ at the same time. This is a positive! Go have a ridiculously fun and intimate wedding in your dream setting! 

What is your favourite place in the town you want to get married in? Is it a certain statue in a park? Is it a corner of a local book store? Is it the front porch swing in a historic home in town? Is it a beautiful tree out in the countryside? See how easy you could get married in any of those places with only 10 people. What is your favourite restaurant in town? With only 10 people, you can get take away for everyone from there and pay someone to pick it up and plate it up nicely if you want to eat elsewhere. 

Think about the amazing flexibility that having a small intimate wedding gives you, and get excited

Ro041

My sister and her husband got married at the courthouse and we went to Applebee's afterwards.  You know what?  They are still married, 12 years later.  We had a blast, and she doesn't ever think they didn't have a "real" wedding.  Their marriage has outlasted many others that included an expensive party in the beginning.  Take the time to celebrate that you are creating a new family.  Regardless, you will be married by the end of the day.