Canceled wedding last year. New wedding date: Do I have to use the same bridesmaids?

ashwee275

I'm not sure about bridesmaid etiquette but over one year before my wedding date I selected my bridesmaids. My fiance and I ended up having to cancel our wedding due to his family not being able to make it from overseas and another family member too ill to travel. When I canceled the wedding my MOH totally understood (she's my best friend so obviously) but the other bridesmaids didn't even respond to my messages for a few weeks. Needless to say, we aren't really in touch anymore and after being at my current job for over a year I've made some amazing (reliable) friends. We've set a new wedding date after our family's situations have gotten better and they are able to travel again.

How do I tell the other girls that I don't want them to be bridesmaids anymore? Is that an awful thing to do even though we don't talk?

ei34

ashwee275 said:

I'm not sure about bridesmaid etiquette but over one year before my wedding date I selected my bridesmaids. My fiance and I ended up having to cancel our wedding due to his family not being able to make it from overseas and another family member too ill to travel. When I canceled the wedding my MOH totally understood (she's my best friend so obviously) but the other bridesmaids didn't even respond to my messages for a few weeks. Needless to say, we aren't really in touch anymore and after being at my current job for over a year I've made some amazing (reliable) friends. We've set a new wedding date after our family's situations have gotten better and they are able to travel again.

How do I tell the other girls that I don't want them to be bridesmaids anymore? Is that an awful thing to do even though we don't talk?

If you really don't talk, do you think they'd even be surprised that you didn't ask them?  In your situation I'd say no, you don't have to ask them again.  If you don't ask them, I'd definitely reimburse them for the cost of their BM dresses (if you haven't already). 
As an aside, if these people were so close to me that I asked them to be BMs, I'd definitely follow up with them as to why they were so upset about the wedding being postponed.  Friendships fade often enough, and you're allowed to postpone your wedding, but if I wasn't speaking to people that were once my "bury a body" crew, it wouldn't sit right with me.  Just looking at the friendships outside of the wedding.

artbyallie

I agree. New date means you can have new bridesmaids and should not feel obligated to ask the others if you have grown apart.

ashwee275

Thank you! They hadn't even bought their dresses yet so they never made any type of financial commitment to reimburse them for. I appreciate the response!

LondonLisa

I just feel that this is a recipe for disaster. Technically you may be ok with a new date, but if all you are changing is the date, I'd feel disinvited. 

I can't help but think this is a friend issue rather than a wedding issue. If these people were close enough to be your bridesmaids at one point, why have you not been trying to salvage the friendship? It sounds like you are mad at them for not responding soon enough to your text. I understand they haven't responded to texts promptly, but have you called them? Emailed them asking if everything was OK? I'm just baffled at your lackadaisical attitude towards people who are supposed to be your closest friends. 

If I got ghosted by my entire bridal party, I'd be wondering what happened. That isn't normal. Have you tried to figure out what is going on? 

ashwee275

I have tried to reach out to both of them several times. Their attitude was this way before the wedding got canceled. Somewhere between me asking them to be bridesmaids and me canceling the wedding they stopped talking to me as much. I understand that work gets difficult and we don't live in the same parts of the country anymore. I suppose it's my fault for asking them in the first place when my MOH warned me against asking them because they are flaky and unreliable. They never returned any of her messages either.
We had gotten more distant recently because we were all living in different countries for a while but I thought that asking them to be part of my bridal party would rekindle our friendships especially since we all live in the same country again. Whenever we do reconnect it's as if no time has passed at all, as it is with all great friends. 
It didn't work out like I had hoped. I'm not sure if they felt obligated to say yes to begin with. I think this was the case considering every time my MOH, who is also a very close friend of theirs as well, would message them about it they either wouldn't respond or they would say they didn't have time to talk about wedding things. My MOH was constantly complaining to me about them and the wedding plans hadn't even begun. Because they weren't being cooperative with my MOH I began to worry that I did make the wrong decision. After the family issues happened that canceled my wedding they didn't seem concerned or phased at all.
They've both apologized for not responding to me and for being distant but nothing has changed. I have to accept that the people who were once your best friends won't always be your best friends but that doesn't mean that you don't still care for them and want them to be part of your life. I've left them both voicemails asking to speak with them and hopefully they'll get back to me within the next week or so. I love them both dearly but they weren't the best bridesmaids while they were bridesmaids and I don't know if I should feel bad about not including them anymore. I'll just have to wait for them to make time to speak with me.

LondonLisa

ashwee275 said:

I have tried to reach out to both of them several times. Their attitude was this way before the wedding got canceled. Somewhere between me asking them to be bridesmaids and me canceling the wedding they stopped talking to me as much. I understand that work gets difficult and we don't live in the same parts of the country anymore. I suppose it's my fault for asking them in the first place when my MOH warned me against asking them because they are flaky and unreliable. They never returned any of her messages either.
We had gotten more distant recently because we were all living in different countries for a while but I thought that asking them to be part of my bridal party would rekindle our friendships especially since we all live in the same country again. Whenever we do reconnect it's as if no time has passed at all, as it is with all great friends. 
It didn't work out like I had hoped. I'm not sure if they felt obligated to say yes to begin with. I think this was the case considering every time my MOH, who is also a very close friend of theirs as well, would message them about it they either wouldn't respond or they would say they didn't have time to talk about wedding things. My MOH was constantly complaining to me about them and the wedding plans hadn't even begun. Because they weren't being cooperative with my MOH I began to worry that I did make the wrong decision. After the family issues happened that canceled my wedding they didn't seem concerned or phased at all.
They've both apologized for not responding to me and for being distant but nothing has changed. I have to accept that the people who were once your best friends won't always be your best friends but that doesn't mean that you don't still care for them and want them to be part of your life. I've left them both voicemails asking to speak with them and hopefully they'll get back to me within the next week or so. I love them both dearly but they weren't the best bridesmaids while they were bridesmaids and I don't know if I should feel bad about not including them anymore. I'll just have to wait for them to make time to speak with me.

Whilst I agree it is hurtful that they are not calling you back, I also think you have really unrealistic expectations on 2 fronts. 1.) They were flakey before, a wedding isn't going to change that and 2.) They don't have anything to do except show up on the day in the dress. 

I think your MoH was a bit of a potstir-er by reporting and complaining to you. Frankly, they didn't need to respond to your MoH for anything. Showers, pre wedding parties etc etc are all gifts and it sounds like they are not interested in throwing that for you. That is fine. 

I rarely had time to do my own wedding things, so I 100% understand they don't have time to talk about your hypothetical wedding that has changed dates. No one cares about your wedding as much as you do.

By all means, pick who ever you want. But I think you not having them in the bridal party this time will end whatever friendship you have left. That is fine if that is what you want. But I am going to be honest, when a friend asks me to be a BM in their wedding, I expect to be a BM in their wedding to the same person regardless of if the date changed or not. The only exception I would have to this is if they suddenly decided to elope or have family only with no WP. 

If they are flakey as you make out, I bet they won't even get the dress and therefore take themselves out of the wedding. Is there a reason you cannot add these new friends to your BP instead of replacing them?

kimmiinthemitten

I think this is akin to kicking them out.

First, you didn't cancel, you postponed. Second, it sounds like you had expectations of them outside of showing up the day of. It always amazes me when brides show up complaining that suddenly their group of friends changed since they got engaged and never once think "maybe it was me?"  

My best friend is my event planner (by trade) and my wedding is like 40 days away so there are a lot of details to go over right now so the wedding talk is at an all time high. Because of that I always make sure we get it out of the way first, and then move on to her life, work etc. She still has a life too. 

charlotte989875

Maybe I'm reading something into the post that isn't there, but it seems like you want to kick them out because they didn't meet your expectations of a WP (talking about wedding details, communicating with your MOH (on what I'm not sure), being super excited for things), and to me that's pretty unfair. All they're required to do is show up on time in the right dress on the day of the wedding. 

If if this is truly a cancellation (new event-- new venue, new groom, new guest list, etc) then I'd say you're okay to have a new WP (or have no WP), but it seems like you just changed the date and as such is still the same event, just later, and if it were me I'd still expect to be a BM. 

redwoodoriginal

Maybe they didn't think anything needed to be done for a wedding that was over a year away. Bc nothing needs to be planned that far out  

cowgirl8238

redwoodoriginal said:

Maybe they didn't think anything needed to be done for a wedding that was over a year away. Bc nothing needs to be planned that far out  

This was my thought as well.  It sounds like the MOH had expectations that were WAY TOO HIGH for a wedding that was a year out and you probably did as well.  It's ok, that happens, just adjust them now and reach out to them as a friend.

You have two options here:

1) Include these friends for who they are and lower your expectations for them.  All they have to do is buy the require attire and show up somewhat sober and smile on the big day.  Then you can add in the other BM from your work and call it a day.

2) Kick out the original BM's and replace them with your new BM's.  While you may not think this is what you are doing, it comes across this way.  This is will sever your friendships with the first BMs and possibly strain your new friendships when they find out (and they will likely find out) they were replacements for BMs from the wedding you postponed.

SaintPaulGal

I don't think the postponement changes anything here.  If you want to kick someone/someones out of your wedding party you can always do that; there is no legally binding contract that compels you to keep them, and no one can force you to follow through with your offer.  But offering and then taking it back is pretty much a relationship-ending move, postponement or no postponement.  If you don't care about ending the relationship because you have grown apart then that's up to you, but you don't get a special exception because the timing has changed.

[Deleted User]

There's no rule that you should be using the same bridesmaids. Talk to them and let them know honestly of your plans. I'm sure they'd understand. It's your wedding so just do what you gotta do. Worst case, if they felt bad, it will be over after some time anyway. The best thing is you are able to pull off your wedding according to your and your fiance's liking.