Gay Weddings

Inviting Homophobic Family

edited November 2016 in Gay Weddings
Some of my extended family is homophobic. I'm not quite sure who is anymore because some of the ones who were homophobic act like they've changed their tune since they figured out that I'm gay. I don't think anyone will make a scene, but my fiancee and I don't really want people to be there if they don't support our marriage.

One of our bridesmaids is transgender as well. I know some people are even more transphobic and I want to protect her too.

The ceremony is also going to be non-traditional, with a Celtic High Priestess and a Lutheran (ELCA) Pastor. The same family members won't be comfortable with this either, even though the Pastor is 100% on board with the handfasting.

I have to invite some relatives that may be a problem because they are my Dad's siblings and their kids, his family is extremely close, and the wedding is in my parents' backyard. I'd like to include something with the wedding invitation that gets the point across that I won't be offended if people who can't support our marriage decide not to come (the subtext is that I'd prefer those with an issue not come, but I know that won't go over well). I'm not sure if I want to out our bridesmaid, but I also don't want her to feel threatened by my bigoted cousin (I know her opinion on trans issues). How can I word this so that no one gets offended, but people get the point?
Knottie659244a910fb6dc1

Re: Inviting Homophobic Family

  • I haven't broached that topic with my dad yet, but I really should. My dad still seems to struggle with me being gay, though his vibe has improved with my fiancee since the engagement. My mom is more on board than my dad, plus I don't think my dad has much interest in wedding planning, but he may solve my other guest list problem, so I should work up the courage. I don't think my fiancee's bridesmaid will be in physical danger, but I am concerned she'll hear a whispered comment or something because I know my cousin will be making them, whether at the wedding or afterwards. Part of me hopes that I don't have to invite that cousin because, even disregarding the subtle homophobia and intense transphobia, we've never been close or even particularly friendly. Unfortunately, she has an in, as her mom, who is supportive, is close with my entire immediate family (including me) and is my dad's closest sibling. 

    I know that one relative has come around (he congratulated me on my engagement via Facebook PM and seems to be going out of his way to repair our relationship :smiley: ), but my vibes aren't great about the others...
    kimmiinthemitten
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited November 2016
    Some of my extended family is homophobic. I'm not quite sure who is anymore because some of the ones who were homophobic act like they've changed their tune since they figured out that I'm gay. I don't think anyone will make a scene, but my fiancee and I don't really want people to be there if they don't support our marriage.

    One of our bridesmaids is transgender as well. I know some people are even more transphobic and I want to protect her too.

    The ceremony is also going to be non-traditional, with a Celtic High Priestess and a Lutheran (ELCA) Pastor. The same family members won't be comfortable with this either, even though the Pastor is 100% on board with the handfasting.

    I have to invite some relatives that may be a problem because they are my Dad's siblings and their kids, his family is extremely close, and the wedding is in my parents' backyard. I'd like to include something with the wedding invitation that gets the point across that I won't be offended if people who can't support our marriage decide not to come (the subtext is that I'd prefer those with an issue not come, but I know that won't go over well). I'm not sure if I want to out our bridesmaid, but I also don't want her to feel threatened by my bigoted cousin (I know her opinion on trans issues). How can I word this so that no one gets offended, but people get the point?
    No, sorry.  You can extend an invitation, or not.  You cannot make conditions on which the invitation has been sent.
    This is where your family members come in.  If someone misbehaves at your ceremony or reception, your family member quietly, but firmly, asks them to leave.
    Straight people have this issue, too.  My late mother was racist, and was quite capable of embarrassing herself by shouting racist slogans in public.  Since my daughter married a man of Chinese descent, we were all relieved when she declined the invitation to the wedding.
    As for the ceremony, no problem with the blending of traditions.  My daughter was handfasted at her Methodist ceremony, and it was the minister's idea.  Christianity often borrows customs from other religions - like Christmas trees, Easter eggs, Hallowe'en, etc.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragain said:
    No, sorry.  You can extend an invitation, or not.  You cannot make conditions on which the invitation has been sent.
    This is where your family members come in.  If someone misbehaves at your ceremony or reception, your family member quietly, but firmly, asks them to leave.
    Straight people have this issue, too.  My late mother was racist, and was quite capable of embarrassing herself by shouting racist slogans in public.  Since my daughter married a man of Chinese descent, we were all relieved when she declined the invitation to the wedding.
    As for the ceremony, no problem with the blending of traditions.  My daughter was handfasted at her Methodist ceremony, and it was the minister's idea.  Christianity often borrows customs from other religions - like Christmas trees, Easter eggs, Hallowe'en, etc.
    Yeah, multiple people are ready to  kick people out, if necessary. I just don't want them to have to do that. I'd prefer to warn people not to start anything than have anything happen. My family members with these issues will feel obligated to come to the wedding if invited and I'm likely obligated to invite them because the wedding is at my parents' house.

    I know that some churches do accept a blending of traditions, but I have an aunt who is very anti-pagan and my fiancee's spirituality tends toward pagan. She is also one of the people whose opinion seems to have changed, but I'm not sure about it. If there were some way to warn her about how uncomfortable she is likely to be during the ceremony, I think it'd be better for everyone involved.

    I suppose I could consider keeping the ceremony itself small...hmmm....
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    CMGragain said:
    No, sorry.  You can extend an invitation, or not.  You cannot make conditions on which the invitation has been sent.
    This is where your family members come in.  If someone misbehaves at your ceremony or reception, your family member quietly, but firmly, asks them to leave.
    Straight people have this issue, too.  My late mother was racist, and was quite capable of embarrassing herself by shouting racist slogans in public.  Since my daughter married a man of Chinese descent, we were all relieved when she declined the invitation to the wedding.
    As for the ceremony, no problem with the blending of traditions.  My daughter was handfasted at her Methodist ceremony, and it was the minister's idea.  Christianity often borrows customs from other religions - like Christmas trees, Easter eggs, Hallowe'en, etc.
    Yeah, multiple people are ready to  kick people out, if necessary. I just don't want them to have to do that. I'd prefer to warn people not to start anything than have anything happen. My family members with these issues will feel obligated to come to the wedding if invited and I'm likely obligated to invite them because the wedding is at my parents' house.

    I know that some churches do accept a blending of traditions, but I have an aunt who is very anti-pagan and my fiancee's spirituality tends toward pagan. She is also one of the people whose opinion seems to have changed, but I'm not sure about it. If there were some way to warn her about how uncomfortable she is likely to be during the ceremony, I think it'd be better for everyone involved.

    I suppose I could consider keeping the ceremony itself small...hmmm....
    Again, this is where your conversation with your dad comes in.  Would he prefer everyone be invited and escorted out if they misbehave or to allow you the freedom to pick and choose who you invite.

    I'd also argue this is something for you to consider as well.  Are you willing to allow this drama into your wedding day in exchange for your dads property if he isn't willing to budge on the invite list?
    image
    SP29charlotte989875Knottie1460301377cowgirl8238
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited November 2016
    CMGragain said:
    No, sorry.  You can extend an invitation, or not.  You cannot make conditions on which the invitation has been sent.
    This is where your family members come in.  If someone misbehaves at your ceremony or reception, your family member quietly, but firmly, asks them to leave.
    Straight people have this issue, too.  My late mother was racist, and was quite capable of embarrassing herself by shouting racist slogans in public.  Since my daughter married a man of Chinese descent, we were all relieved when she declined the invitation to the wedding.
    As for the ceremony, no problem with the blending of traditions.  My daughter was handfasted at her Methodist ceremony, and it was the minister's idea.  Christianity often borrows customs from other religions - like Christmas trees, Easter eggs, Hallowe'en, etc.
    Yeah, multiple people are ready to  kick people out, if necessary. I just don't want them to have to do that. I'd prefer to warn people not to start anything than have anything happen. My family members with these issues will feel obligated to come to the wedding if invited and I'm likely obligated to invite them because the wedding is at my parents' house.

    I know that some churches do accept a blending of traditions, but I have an aunt who is very anti-pagan and my fiancee's spirituality tends toward pagan. She is also one of the people whose opinion seems to have changed, but I'm not sure about it. If there were some way to warn her about how uncomfortable she is likely to be during the ceremony, I think it'd be better for everyone involved.

    I suppose I could consider keeping the ceremony itself small...hmmm....
    You can do this, but the ceremony must be limited to immediate family members ONLY!  That means siblings, parents, and maybe grandparents.  No one else.  Your invitation would then be to your wedding reception, not your wedding.  I will be glad to help you with wording.

    You are not obligated to invite anyone, except you cannot invite only half of a couple.  (No Auntie, but not her husband stuff.)  I did not invite several relatives to my own wedding due to family history.  If a relative or friend has made it clear that they do not approve, then you do not have to invite them.  Their loss!

    If your Aunt doesn't approve of pagan symbols, then she'd better not have a Christmas tree in her house!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29OliveOilsMom
  • edited November 2016
    @CMGragain - I'll still be inviting people outside my immediate family to the ceremony, since I have 3 party members who aren't in my immediate family. My aunt will still get an invite to the ceremony as well, possibly a first cousin once removed too, since she's been so supportive. 

    @redwoodoriginal and @kimmiinthemitten ;- I don't know if my dad will insist or not, but if he does, it's invite them or host the wedding myself, which I don't have the space or money for.

    @SP29 - nice comeback! I'll use it if I get the opportunity.
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