Last minute Plus 1

Knottie1456715927

I need help with the etiquette regarding adding last minute plus 1's to our guest list. My bridesmaid (also my sister) was offered a plus 1 for our wedding and she had declined it several weeks ago. We had asked for everyone to rsvp by Oct 18 because we needed to turn in all of our guest info by Nov 4 and I knew that there would be some people who would forget to rsvp and that I might need time to track everyone down. She texted me on Nov 5 saying that she would now be bringing a plus one because he was able to take off work. I didn't even know she was dating anyone until that moment and she was trying to guilt trip me saying that she wanted to introduce him to the family. I understand that she is spending a lot of money to be a part of my wedding (flying in from out of state, dress costs, etc) but I feel that a deadline is a deadline and I didn't want to make an exception. She has also been very flaky about her plans from the get-go and it has been hard trying to schedule wedding/ bridal party events because of that. I would have been more open to the idea of the last minute addition had she let me know back several weeks ago that her potential plus one was trying to take off work, but she waited several weeks after the rsvp deadline and the day after all of my info was due to say something to me. My parents are now extremely upset with me and have called me a bridezilla for telling my sister/ bridesmaid no to her plus 1 and so to avoid any more fighting over this I caved, even though it is against what both me and my fiancé want. Am I wrong to think that if she is well past the deadline I provided and that she already declined a plus 1 invite that she shouldn't be allowed one now?

LondonLisa

Knottie1456715927 said:

I need help with the etiquette regarding adding last minute plus 1's to our guest list. My bridesmaid (also my sister) was offered a plus 1 for our wedding and she had declined it several weeks ago. We had asked for everyone to rsvp by Oct 18 because we needed to turn in all of our guest info by Nov 4 and I knew that there would be some people who would forget to rsvp and that I might need time to track everyone down. She texted me on Nov 5 saying that she would now be bringing a plus one because he was able to take off work. I didn't even know she was dating anyone until that moment and she was trying to guilt trip me saying that she wanted to introduce him to the family. I understand that she is spending a lot of money to be a part of my wedding (flying in from out of state, dress costs, etc) but I feel that a deadline is a deadline and I didn't want to make an exception. She has also been very flaky about her plans from the get-go and it has been hard trying to schedule wedding/ bridal party events because of that. I would have been more open to the idea of the last minute addition had she let me know back several weeks ago that her potential plus one was trying to take off work, but she waited several weeks after the rsvp deadline and the day after all of my info was due to say something to me. My parents are now extremely upset with me and have called me a bridezilla for telling my sister/ bridesmaid no to her plus 1 and so to avoid any more fighting over this I caved, even though it is against what both me and my fiancé want. Am I wrong to think that if she is well past the deadline I provided and that she already declined a plus 1 invite that she shouldn't be allowed one now?

FFS This is your sister and your bridesmaid! And you did offer her a date.  It sounds like you can squeeze this person in but you don't want to out of 'principle'. I guarantee your venue can squeeze in 1 person 24hrs after final numbers. I cannot believe this is a hill you and your fi are willing to die on. It's annoying, yes, but standing your ground on this is bratty and controlling. 

Also, why is scheduling anything with your sister your problem- you shouldn't have been involved in scheduling any pre wedding events other than saying which dates you were few if asked by the host. 

Just let her bring her date! JFC get a margarita and loosen up- is it really worth fighting with your parents and sister on your wedding day. 

geebee908

Sounds like she's dating this person so he's not a plus 1, he's half of a couple-- your sister's SO. You are being rude by denying a place to someone's SO. You can't ask someone to celebrate your relationship and then tell them their relationship isn't worth making a place for (only a day after your numbers were due and only one person and "only" your sister and BM).

ei34

I'm glad you caved, it would've been messed up to deny your sister/BM her plus 1 (possibly an SO?).  Venues can absolutely accommodate one extra guest after the deadline.
To any lurkers- if your numbers are due by Nov 4th, October 18th is too early to require an answer.  Nov 1st is more appropriate.  You don't know what may change in your guests' lives in a couple of weeks.

SaintPaulGal

Yeah, definitely good that you "caved" on this.  It's your sister we are talking about!  And if she wants to use this as an opportunity to introduce the guy to the family then it sounds like it's a relationship and not just some random date. What possible good could come from forbidding him to attend?  Even if this happened the morning of your wedding chances are pretty high that the caterers could accommodate the new guest, provided you didn't have a dozen unexpected people.

The only reasonable response here is, "Sister/bridesmaid, I am so excited to meet the new man in your life!  Of course he is welcome!"

kimmiinthemitten

So your out of town sisters boyfriend was able to get off work at the last minute and make and incur travel plans and costs to come to your wedding and meet your family, and you're mad because you didn't know he existed in order to even be added?  Me thinks one talks only about the wedding and is missing out on other peoples lives 

ILoveBeachMusic

Oh good grief, get off your high horse! Yes, you should allow her SO (he is not a plus one) to be there.  Most caterers will allow you to add (maybe with an increase in ppp) people just not decrease the number of guests. I agree with your family. You and your FI are being bridezilla and groomzilla.

debbeau

It's your sister for goodness sakes. 

YogaSandy

A couple we we're friends with live OOT. Husband couldn't get off work for our wedding. Last minute, he could. She called me and asked if he could come. He was even willing to come after dinner, if it was too late. We said of course he could still come (significantly after RSVPs were due). Called the caterer. NBD. He was added. We cared more about our friends than the date and what they originally said. I was so happy they were both there. 

ETF apostrophe

CMGragain

Daughter's MOH asked for plus one the last week before the wedding (new boyfriend).  She had transportation problems, and this solved them.  We happily welcomed him!  They have been living together for five years, now.  Very glad we did this.

MairePoppy

Really? Your sister missed the caterer's deadline by one day and you want to penalize her? Your sister that is flying in for your wedding, has bought a dress and has had other wedding related expenses? Thank God you have reasonable parents that were able to talk some sense into you.

To answer your question: YES, you were wrong to tell your sister that she couldn't bring a date to your wedding. I'm sure it was no big deal to your caterer to add in one more guest. 

lyndausvi

I can't believe this is a hill you wanted to die on.     

levioosa

Wow.  You sound like a peach. 

charlotte989875

So you're looking for advice on how to best apologize to your sister for being so self-centered?

Heffalump

Knottie1456715927 said:

I need help with the etiquette regarding adding last minute plus 1's to our guest list. My bridesmaid (also my sister) was offered a plus 1 for our wedding and she had declined it several weeks ago. We had asked for everyone to rsvp by Oct 18 because we needed to turn in all of our guest info by Nov 4 and I knew that there would be some people who would forget to rsvp and that I might need time to track everyone down. She texted me on Nov 5 saying that she would now be bringing a plus one because he was able to take off work. I didn't even know she was dating anyone until that moment and she was trying to guilt trip me saying that she wanted to introduce him to the family. I understand that she is spending a lot of money to be a part of my wedding (flying in from out of state, dress costs, etc) but I feel that a deadline is a deadline and I didn't want to make an exception. She has also been very flaky about her plans from the get-go and it has been hard trying to schedule wedding/ bridal party events because of that. I would have been more open to the idea of the last minute addition had she let me know back several weeks ago that her potential plus one was trying to take off work, but she waited several weeks after the rsvp deadline and the day after all of my info was due to say something to me. My parents are now extremely upset with me and have called me a bridezilla for telling my sister/ bridesmaid no to her plus 1 and so to avoid any more fighting over this I caved, even though it is against what both me and my fiancé want. Am I wrong to think that if she is well past the deadline I provided and that she already declined a plus 1 invite that she shouldn't be allowed one now?

Why was your RSVP deadline "several weeks" before your numbers were actually due?

Sorry, this is a self-inflicted wound.  Apologize to your sister and be gracious at the wedding.

climbingsingle

This is your SISTER. And you want to punish her, because she missed your deadline. What if the relationship just got serious after your deadline? 

Your parents are right. You are wrong. Apologize profusely to your sister, and your parents for creating unnecessary drama. 

[Deleted User]

I can understand being annoyed at the last minute-ness and after the catering information was due. But the only way you should say no is if thete
is absolutely no logistical way to squeeze an extra person (fire code, whatever).  Your post just makes it sound like a personal preference. Your sister was already given a plus one originally, so this person should've been included in your original budget/space considerations. I don't know why you and your FI have a "personal preference" to not allow him to come but you need to get over that. I honestly don't understand why you even care. Just include the boyfriend and get over this stupid drama with your sister. 

ETA: FWIW, we had a last minute plus one addition request the NIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING and made it work and everything was totally fine as far as tables and food. If we could figure that out with about 12 hrs notice, I think you can figure this out. 

DrillSergeantCat

Knottie1456715927 said:

I need help with the etiquette regarding adding last minute plus 1's to our guest list. My bridesmaid (also my sister) was offered a plus 1 for our wedding and she had declined it several weeks ago. We had asked for everyone to rsvp by Oct 18 because we needed to turn in all of our guest info by Nov 4 and I knew that there would be some people who would forget to rsvp and that I might need time to track everyone down. She texted me on Nov 5 saying that she would now be bringing a plus one because he was able to take off work. I didn't even know she was dating anyone until that moment and she was trying to guilt trip me saying that she wanted to introduce him to the family. I understand that she is spending a lot of money to be a part of my wedding (flying in from out of state, dress costs, etc) but I feel that a deadline is a deadline and I didn't want to make an exception. She has also been very flaky about her plans from the get-go and it has been hard trying to schedule wedding/ bridal party events because of that. I would have been more open to the idea of the last minute addition had she let me know back several weeks ago that her potential plus one was trying to take off work, but she waited several weeks after the rsvp deadline and the day after all of my info was due to say something to me. My parents are now extremely upset with me and have called me a bridezilla for telling my sister/ bridesmaid no to her plus 1 and so to avoid any more fighting over this I caved, even though it is against what both me and my fiancé want. Am I wrong to think that if she is well past the deadline I provided and that she already declined a plus 1 invite that she shouldn't be allowed one now?

Yes, you are wrong. For all the reasons previously stated. 

Jen4948

Even though this is the last minute, your sister is going to be deeply hurt if you don't invite her SO. As she's your bridesmaid as well, you risk doing major damage to your relationship with her if you don't invite her BF.

I get that it's annoying to not find out about his existence until this close to your wedding, but it's really in everyone's best interest to do whatever you can to fit him into the guest list.

cowgirl8238

I understand the slight annoyance with having to change things the day after the number were due, but if it was my sister (well I don't have a sister but I do have a brother) I would do whatever I could to accommodate her BF (therefore not a plus 1!).  And she's a BM?  When one of my BM called me a week before the wedding asking if she could bring a date I said yes and made it happen.

When is the wedding itself? 

I get the feeling your numbers being due so early is at least partially the problem here.  When I worked retail I didn't know my schedule until a week out, and if I requested time off too early, they would often forget/ignore/or wait until the last minute to tell me if the time was approved or not.  Meaning I usually didn't get notice until two (maybe three) weeks ahead of time and it wasn't always guaranteed.

[Deleted User]

Glad you caved on this, but I don't think you deserve quite as much heat as all the other posters have given you! I know it's easy to get caught up in the details myself and make a big deal about things that won't matter too much in the long run! Just try to relax and remember that all of these people want to be there for you and your man on your special day! I personally am allowing every guest a plus one and will have several open seats on my seating chart for unexpected guests that show up! The more the merrier IMO!

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie1455560017 said:

Glad you caved on this, but I don't think you deserve quite as much heat as all the other posters have given you! I know it's easy to get caught up in the details myself and make a big deal about things that won't matter too much in the long run! Just try to relax and remember that all of these people want to be there for you and your man on your special day! I personally am allowing every guest a plus one and will have several open seats on my seating chart for unexpected guests that show up! The more the merrier IMO!

She didn't know her own sister had an SO, and then she wanted to exclude this SO when her sister didn't RSVP in time for the arbitrary and way too early mid October deadline. . .for a November wedding.

The OP deserved all the heat she got.  She was the one being irrational, petty, and immature.

[Deleted User]

@prettygirllost I was just trying to spread some positivity and encourage the OP, not saying that it would have been okay to reject the SO. I'm new here, but I sure can't figure out why everyone comes off so mean all the time. Maybe I'm reading the tone incorrectly, but assuming we are all brides-to-be shouldn't everyone be happy and positive? I know that for me personally, this is the most happy I have ever been in my life and I literally couldn't ask for anything more. I want to spread that happiness with rational opinions and comments instead of projecting a negative connotation.

DrillSergeantCat

Knottie1455560017 said:

@prettygirllost I was just trying to spread some positivity and encourage the OP, not saying that it would have been okay to reject the SO. I'm new here, but I sure can't figure out why everyone comes off so mean all the time. Maybe I'm reading the tone incorrectly, but assuming we are all brides-to-be shouldn't everyone be happy and positive? I know that for me personally, this is the most happy I have ever been in my life and I literally couldn't ask for anything more. I want to spread that happiness with rational opinions and comments instead of projecting a negative connotation.

We're not all brides-to-be. Some of us are, some of us are newlyweds, and others have been married years and years. You don't want advice from people who have never done it before, right? You'd want it from people who've BTDT. 

This is not a blow smoke up your bum forum. This is a blunt, straight-talking one where if you ask "Am I wrong?" You will be told in no uncertain terms if you are or not. 

LondonLisa

Knottie1455560017 said:

@prettygirllost I was just trying to spread some positivity and encourage the OP, not saying that it would have been okay to reject the SO. I'm new here, but I sure can't figure out why everyone comes off so mean all the time. Maybe I'm reading the tone incorrectly, but assuming we are all brides-to-be shouldn't everyone be happy and positive? I know that for me personally, this is the most happy I have ever been in my life and I literally couldn't ask for anything more. I want to spread that happiness with rational opinions and comments instead of projecting a negative connotation.

Look, I totally get wanting to stay positive. But there is no happiness and positivity when one is being a complete and utter wanker to one's sister who is also a bridesmaid! I am all for encouraging her- encourage her to be less of a total dick.

How would you nicely phrase "no, no you cannot spitefully disinvite you sister's boyfriend who has moved hell and high water to celebrate you". Compliment sandwich style?

'I bet your November wedding is going to be beautiful. However, try not to be a total douchecanoe bridezilla to your sister who is spending a lot of time and money to make you happy. But I bet those autumn colours are really going to pop against the leaves changing...'

artbyallie

Knottie1455560017 said:

@prettygirllost I was just trying to spread some positivity and encourage the OP, not saying that it would have been okay to reject the SO. I'm new here, but I sure can't figure out why everyone comes off so mean all the time. Maybe I'm reading the tone incorrectly, but assuming we are all brides-to-be shouldn't everyone be happy and positive? I know that for me personally, this is the most happy I have ever been in my life and I literally couldn't ask for anything more. I want to spread that happiness with rational opinions and comments instead of projecting a negative connotation.

We are not all brides-to-be. Many of us stuck around after our weddings to give advice to future brides.

We are not mean. It is not 'projecting a negative connotation' to advise people to treat their family and loved ones with kindness, manners, and proper etiquette. Nor is it mean to offer a reality check should someone need it. If you are looking to blow smoke and rainbows or have it done for you, IMO this is not the right forum.

[Deleted User]

haha that is too funny. yep, you all are right, I don't have any kind of business being here. I wouldn't call someone a "douchecanoe" in real life much less behind a keyboard to someone I don't even know. I do like the blunt advice, just think some of it comes off really bad. sometimes you need a new perspective to point out things you have become accustomed to. you all have fun, i'll be getting my advice from friends and family and people who actually know me from now on. thanks

LondonLisa

Knottie1455560017 said:

haha that is too funny. yep, you all are right, I don't have any kind of business being here. I wouldn't call someone a "douchecanoe" in real life much less behind a keyboard to someone I don't even know. I do like the blunt advice, just think some of it comes off really bad. sometimes you need a new perspective to point out things you have become accustomed to. you all have fun, i'll be getting my advice from friends and family and people who actually know me from now on. thanks

Any chance one of those friends, family or people who actually know you can teach you how to capitalise letters properly? 

[Deleted User]

LondonLisa said:

Knottie1455560017 said:

haha that is too funny. yep, you all are right, I don't have any kind of business being here. I wouldn't call someone a "douchecanoe" in real life much less behind a keyboard to someone I don't even know. I do like the blunt advice, just think some of it comes off really bad. sometimes you need a new perspective to point out things you have become accustomed to. you all have fun, i'll be getting my advice from friends and family and people who actually know me from now on. thanks

Any chance one of those friends, family or people who actually know you can teach you how to capitalise letters properly? 

**capitalize

DrillSergeantCat

Knottie1455560017 said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottie1455560017 said:

haha that is too funny. yep, you all are right, I don't have any kind of business being here. I wouldn't call someone a "douchecanoe" in real life much less behind a keyboard to someone I don't even know. I do like the blunt advice, just think some of it comes off really bad. sometimes you need a new perspective to point out things you have become accustomed to. you all have fun, i'll be getting my advice from friends and family and people who actually know me from now on. thanks

Any chance one of those friends, family or people who actually know you can teach you how to capitalise letters properly? 

**capitalize

As her screen name suggests (also it says it right under her name), she's from London where the correct spelling is capitalise. 

LondonLisa

Knottie1455560017 said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottie1455560017 said:

haha that is too funny. yep, you all are right, I don't have any kind of business being here. I wouldn't call someone a "douchecanoe" in real life much less behind a keyboard to someone I don't even know. I do like the blunt advice, just think some of it comes off really bad. sometimes you need a new perspective to point out things you have become accustomed to. you all have fun, i'll be getting my advice from friends and family and people who actually know me from now on. thanks

Any chance one of those friends, family or people who actually know you can teach you how to capitalise letters properly? 

**capitalize

Read a book. American spelling isn't universal. I am not American.  In fact, most of the English Speaking World uses -ise insead of -ize. Add that to the list the things your friends, family and people that know you can hopefully teach you.