# of Guests at Bridal Shower

Knottie1456058884

My mother asked me about a bridal shower and whether or not she and my FMI should combine a party or have two separate.  I'm not really a high maitenence person and would like everyone to enjoy themselves and no burden to be put on either of them.  My fiancé comes from a very large extended family and I'm sure my FMI would want to invite all of her sister and sister in laws whom I love and would like to be there.  I also want my friends and my family as well.

How many is too many for a bridal shower?  Is there an amount that seems like to much?  My mom had me write down the ladies from the wedding guest list who would be invited to the shower if they were to combine and it is around 70 people.  Does that seem like to much?  I am fond of all of these people and wouldn't want any of them to feel like its too many people at the shower.

floridabride44

First of all (you may have already done this) but only consider inviting people who are also invited to the wedding. If all 70 women are invited to the wedding, then technically it's okay to invite them all to your shower.  

How many people are your mom and FMIL willing/able to host? Has your FMIL offered to throw you a shower, or are you & your mom just assuming she's willing to do so? Does your FMIL want to do a joint shower with your mom or would she prefer to throw her own? Lots of things to consider here. 

Personally, I think 70 is too many for a shower. Watching someone open 70 gifts would be painfully boring. I prefer smaller showers (20ish guests). Less time spent gift-opening and more time to eat/drink/socialize! 

charlotte989875

I think some of this depends on how showers/parties are done in your family/circle. Large showers are the norm in my circle. My sister and I both had large showers (40+), hosted at a restaurant. For some people that's completely at odds with what they are used to, but that's how things are done in our family. 

That being said, who has offered to host a shower for you? What size shower can they/do they want to host? That's what should determine the size of the guest list. 

ILoveBeachMusic

Personally, I think 70 is too many for a shower. Ask how many people your Mom can host. Unless, your FMIL offered to have a shower for you, don't ask her to do one. She should, of course, be invited to any shower that is given for you. Unless she is hosting she doesn't have a say in the guest list.

CMGragain

I know that it is being done these days, but traditional etiquette says that MOB and FMIL shouldn't host your shower at all.  Just sayin'.

MyNameIsNot

I would be overwhelmed by a 70 person shower. I would consider 30 people to be a large shower. Your host (mom) should let you know how many she's comfortable hosting, and you can go from there. 

Are you close to all of these people or are you just looking at every woman invited to the wedding? 

artbyallie

I don't want to know how long it would take to open gifts from 70 people. I had maybe 30ish and even that took a long time. My mom and MIL hosted separate showers because our families live 3 hours apart. Has your FMIL even offered to host one or is your mom volunteering her?

LondonLisa

Way, way too many people. Let's say it takes, conservatively, 90 seconds to get a gift, open it, and thank the giver- that would mean an hour and 45 minutes and straight gift opening! That sounds like a terrible party. 

Frankly anything over 25 is really too much. 

crowsgirl15

I just hosted a shower for 17 people and it  felt like a lot, so I admit I'm a little out of practice on the huge shower thing. For me, 70 would be too much, but it's all up to how many the hosts are willing to host and that they are all invited to the wedding.

After that, it's personal preference, though I think that, as a guest, if I showed up at a 50-70 person shower I'd be pretty overwhelmed and want to leave.

charlotte989875

LondonLisa said:

Way, way too many people. Let's say it takes, conservatively, 90 seconds to get a gift, open it, and thank the giver- that would mean an hour and 45 minutes and straight gift opening! That sounds like a terrible party. 

Frankly anything over 25 is really too much. 

I think it's a little unfair to say this is terrible and anything over 25 is too much. For some people and families this works. 

We had open bar, tons of food, music, people were mingling and socializing when I was opening gifts. It wasn't like everyone was sitting around just watch the gift opening. Some did (like my Mom), but other were catching up with friends and family they hadn't seen in a while.  There were games and gifts for the guests. 

I get that big showers aren't for everyone, and that they aren't common on the boards, but it doesn't make them wrong, or terrible parties. 

lnixon8

I had a large shower. Almost everyone was local and my MOH planned it and hosted it at her fathers house. Brides aren't supposed to plan parties in their honor but because she is my best friend I did request limiting games. In my circle games are either another "all eyes on me" thing, or some get to know you/team building thing- people do not need or want to make friends at a shower. The only game we had was timer game- every 4 minutes it went off and if I was opening your gift you got a bottle of wine, nicer chocolate, candle etc. 

She got a lot of compliments on it and I followed a similar game plan when I planned hers

cowgirl8238

I think that party size is a bit circle dependent.  I would start with how many does your Mom want to host.  Then (only if FMIL offered), see how many she wants to host.  Also see if they are willing to work together or not...my MIL and mom get along just fine but my mom would not be comfortable working side by side with my MIL for such an event. 

Once you know how many you guests your host(s) can comfortably host then you can work on your guest list(s).  If you have 2 separate parties avoid inviting anyone to both.

Personally, I don't like huge showers.  I had a smallish shower of 20 people and it still took some time to open gifts from everyone and properly record/thank everyone.  I have also attended a shower with 70 people...it was like a mini-reception with assigned seating a four course meal and (no joke) the parents rented a moving van to take all the gifts home in.  The Bride had all of her BMs helping her, two were unwrapping the gifts, two were writing down who gave what and then they handed the item to the bride to hold up, shout thanks and move on...it felt very impersonal (the Bride wasn't even the one opening the gifts!!!) and it still took over an hour.

Knottie1456058884

Thank you for the feedback, let me clarify a few things.

Both my mother and FMIL have offered to throw a shower and are considering doing a joint one.  I was curious when they told me this if the shower would have too many guests if they joined forces.

I prefer a gift display instead of opening gifts because I know many people do not enjoy that part.  I forget what it is called, but gifts wouldn't be wrapped and would be put on display at a table so there wouldn't be any time spent opening them.  This would leave the whole shower for me to socialize with guests and enjoy their company.

85% of those who would be invited are family and the rest are my friends.  All those invited to the shower are invited to the wedding.  Like I said previously, my Fiancé comes from a very large and very close extended family on both his mom and dads side.

My mother and future mother in law want to host the shower(s) because it would be too much of a financial burden on my 3 bridesmaids to do so.

I told my mom I didn't want to plan the shower for myself and she knows that but didn't want to do anything I wouldn't enjoy and wanted to know the wedding list so she could form the list of ladies for the shower.

Jen4948

Knottie1456058884 said:

Thank you for the feedback, let me clarify a few things.

Both my mother and FMIL have offered to throw a shower and are considering doing a joint one.  I was curious when they told me this if the shower would have too many guests if they joined forces.

I prefer a gift display instead of opening gifts because I know many people do not enjoy that part.  I forget what it is called, but gifts wouldn't be wrapped and would be put on display at a table so there wouldn't be any time spent opening them.  This would leave the whole shower for me to socialize with guests and enjoy their company.

85% of those who would be invited are family and the rest are my friends.  All those invited to the shower are invited to the wedding.  Like I said previously, my Fiancé comes from a very large and very close extended family on both his mom and dads side.

My mother and future mother in law want to host the shower(s) because it would be too much of a financial burden on my 3 bridesmaids to do so.

I told my mom I didn't want to plan the shower for myself and she knows that but didn't want to do anything I wouldn't enjoy and wanted to know the wedding list so she could form the list of ladies for the shower.

Opening gifts is the core activity of a shower, so if you don't want to open gifts, then don't have a shower.

That could actually make things easier for you. Your mom and FMIL could either throw a joint party for you or separate parties, but ask them not to bill the party or parties as "showers" or anything else that implies that gifts are expected and will be opened.

kahluakoala

Knottie1456058884 said:

Thank you for the feedback, let me clarify a few things.

Both my mother and FMIL have offered to throw a shower and are considering doing a joint one.  I was curious when they told me this if the shower would have too many guests if they joined forces.

I prefer a gift display instead of opening gifts because I know many people do not enjoy that part.  I forget what it is called, but gifts wouldn't be wrapped and would be put on display at a table so there wouldn't be any time spent opening them.  This would leave the whole shower for me to socialize with guests and enjoy their company.

85% of those who would be invited are family and the rest are my friends.  All those invited to the shower are invited to the wedding.  Like I said previously, my Fiancé comes from a very large and very close extended family on both his mom and dads side.

My mother and future mother in law want to host the shower(s) because it would be too much of a financial burden on my 3 bridesmaids to do so.

I told my mom I didn't want to plan the shower for myself and she knows that but didn't want to do anything I wouldn't enjoy and wanted to know the wedding list so she could form the list of ladies for the shower.

This is something that I will never understand - people on this board seem to have really strong opinions that this is rude, yet you see almost every person above has said that opening gifts is boring! I prefer what you have planned, and I think many others do as well. All the showers in my family are large (50ish people, we have a big close family), gifts are not opened, and held at a restaurant. I have really enjoyed them all! The first time I attended the shower of a friend who opened a bunch of gifts in front of everyone I was incredibly bored and I really didn't enjoy the fact that everyone could see what I got an compare it to everyone else - I felt very self conscious about my smaller gift. JMHO.

cowgirl8238

Knottie1456058884 said:

Thank you for the feedback, let me clarify a few things.

Both my mother and FMIL have offered to throw a shower and are considering doing a joint one.  I was curious when they told me this if the shower would have too many guests if they joined forces.

I prefer a gift display instead of opening gifts because I know many people do not enjoy that part.  I forget what it is called, but gifts wouldn't be wrapped and would be put on display at a table so there wouldn't be any time spent opening them.  This would leave the whole shower for me to socialize with guests and enjoy their company.

85% of those who would be invited are family and the rest are my friends.  All those invited to the shower are invited to the wedding.  Like I said previously, my Fiancé comes from a very large and very close extended family on both his mom and dads side.

My mother and future mother in law want to host the shower(s) because it would be too much of a financial burden on my 3 bridesmaids to do so.

I told my mom I didn't want to plan the shower for myself and she knows that but didn't want to do anything I wouldn't enjoy and wanted to know the wedding list so she could form the list of ladies for the shower.

The guest list is fine so long as everyone is invited.  I don't think anyone here really has a problem with mom's/MILs hosting anymore.  I believe it was CMG that was pointing out that this used to not be the case...but it isn't a breech of etiquette (or even eye-roll worthy IMO).

To the bolded.  I am not personally against this approach especially given the 70 person guest list but I know from the past others aren't a fan.* I think the majority of the sentiment is that it comes off a little "gift grabby" and takes away from seeing the Brides reaction to the gifts.  I would read the link below to see what some people think about it before moving forward with this idea.

*Link: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/824276/asking-guests-not-to-wrap-gifts-for-a-shower

LD1970

In my many circles, big showers in nice restaurants are the way to go.  My sister's shower had 75 invitees, 61 came.  I don't remember how many were invited to mine, but I had over 40 guests.  Everyone had a blast, and no one seemed bored, overwhelmed, or to have a terrible time, since they all stayed to the end.

Gift displays, though, are terrible.  I went to one baby shower like this and was annoyed, disappointed, and thought it was completely lame, as did a lot of other guests I heard discussing it.

lyndausvi

My family is large showers at someone's home is the norm.  Although sometimes it's at a restaurant.   It just what we do in my family.   I hosted my sister's shower and there were 80 people.   Both sides have huge families.

My own shower was about 35 people.  That was majority were from my side of the family and a few friends.   All 6 of the women in DH's side were there also.  (my shower was OOT where my family is from, so a lot of my friends were not there).


There really isn't a right or wrong answer here.  Some people think only a small amount is acceptable.  Well I have 15 female first cousins and 7 aunts alone.  We are fairly close and always go to each other's showers.  I can't imagine not having them. If you do a joint with the other side, numbers can raise quickly.  


Some people just have separate her side, his side and friend showers.  

MairePoppy

I have been to very large showers. Those brides opened the gifts at the showers, but the guests were chatting and snacks were put out before the gift opening started. I think a large shower can work in a casual situation, where guests are free to move around and not expected to sit in their seats and watch the bride open gifts for the entire time. 

If you or your fi has a very large, close family, it seems natural that your shower guest list might be large. Your FMILs sisters are probably an all or none deal. It sounds like you are close enough to invite them all. Showers are not one size fits all. If your mom and FMIL want to team up and throw a joint shower, that's fine. It would also be okay to have two separate showers, with guest lists that don't overlap. 

OP, if every single shower that you've attended for the last 5 years has been a gift display shower, then it might be expected in your circle. It's not a popular idea on these boards. Some people go to a lot of trouble to select and wrap their presents and want to see the bride open them. It's insulting to them that the bride doesn't want to bother with tradition of unwrapping and gushing over the gifts.

Jen4948

KahluaKoala said:

Knottie1456058884 said:

Thank you for the feedback, let me clarify a few things.

Both my mother and FMIL have offered to throw a shower and are considering doing a joint one.  I was curious when they told me this if the shower would have too many guests if they joined forces.

I prefer a gift display instead of opening gifts because I know many people do not enjoy that part.  I forget what it is called, but gifts wouldn't be wrapped and would be put on display at a table so there wouldn't be any time spent opening them.  This would leave the whole shower for me to socialize with guests and enjoy their company.

85% of those who would be invited are family and the rest are my friends.  All those invited to the shower are invited to the wedding.  Like I said previously, my Fiancé comes from a very large and very close extended family on both his mom and dads side.

My mother and future mother in law want to host the shower(s) because it would be too much of a financial burden on my 3 bridesmaids to do so.

I told my mom I didn't want to plan the shower for myself and she knows that but didn't want to do anything I wouldn't enjoy and wanted to know the wedding list so she could form the list of ladies for the shower.

This is something that I will never understand - people on this board seem to have really strong opinions that this is rude, yet you see almost every person above has said that opening gifts is boring! I prefer what you have planned, and I think many others do as well. All the showers in my family are large (50ish people, we have a big close family), gifts are not opened, and held at a restaurant. I have really enjoyed them all! The first time I attended the shower of a friend who opened a bunch of gifts in front of everyone I was incredibly bored and I really didn't enjoy the fact that everyone could see what I got an compare it to everyone else - I felt very self conscious about my smaller gift. JMHO.

This is precisely why those of us who would feel bored by watching gifts being opened suggest smaller showers with fewer guests and gifts. It's a compromise. We can rein in our boredom for the shorter period of time it would take to open, say, 20 gifts, and that gives the givers the chance to see them opened.

Look, gifts have to be opened at showers. If you want to give someone a gift without watching other gifts being opened, do it on your own time-there is no requirement whatsoever that gifts can only be given at showers. But "gift displays" are just as inconsiderate to guests as long showers are.