What would you do?

FutureMrs.U

     My best friend is pregnant with her first child and her baby will be a few months old at the time of my wedding. She is my first friend to have a baby and I don't have any nieces or nephews, so I basically have no experience with newborns and how moms feel about things.
     I haven't officially asked her to be in my wedding yet, but it is kinda implied that she would be part of the day. I would love her to be part of my wedding, but I also don't want to do anything to pull her away from her baby. Of course I would be happy for her to to bring the baby with her while we are getting ready in the morning (more time to spend with my new "niece/nephew"!) and would only ask that her husband looks after the little one during the ceremony.
     I'm not planning on having a shower or bachelorette party and have absolutely no expectation of her or my other two BM's to do anything but show up that day in the dresses we all agree upon.
     I guess I'm curious to hear from other moms if you would have wanted to be included in the bridal or to attend as a guest with your husband and baby and be able to come and go as you pleased. This will be their first time travelling with the baby and I want them to be able to relax and have a fun weekend. 
     Maybe I'm just way overthinking everything...any insights would be appreciated

charlotte989875

FutureMrs.U said:

     My best friend is pregnant with her first child and her baby will be a few months old at the time of my wedding. She is my first friend to have a baby and I don't have any nieces or nephews, so I basically have no experience with newborns and how moms feel about things.
     I haven't officially asked her to be in my wedding yet, but it is kinda implied that she would be part of the day. I would love her to be part of my wedding, but I also don't want to do anything to pull her away from her baby. Of course I would be happy for her to to bring the baby with her while we are getting ready in the morning (more time to spend with my new "niece/nephew"!) and would only ask that her husband looks after the little one during the ceremony.
     I'm not planning on having a shower or bachelorette party and have absolutely no expectation of her or my other two BM's to do anything but show up that day in the dresses we all agree upon.
     I guess I'm curious to hear from other moms if you would have wanted to be included in the bridal or to attend as a guest with your husband and baby and be able to come and go as you pleased. This will be their first time travelling with the baby and I want them to be able to relax and have a fun weekend. 
     Maybe I'm just way overthinking everything...any insights would be appreciated

I think you should leave the choice up to her. If you want her there with you on your wedding day, ask her! If she can't do it/doesn't feel up to it/whatever then let her tell you, don't make the decision for her by not asking. 

If/when you do ask, just reiterate what you said here; all you want is for her to be there in a dress (in the budget you ask her for privately). And that you love her and want her there on your wedding day in whatever manner works best for her and her family. 

ei34

If you'd like her to be in your wedding, officially ask her.   It'll be her decision to accept or decline.  My H and I attended a wedding (including travel/night in a hotel) when our oldest was 3 months old...it was NBD for us, but I don't think I would've been up to being in the WP at that time.  Everyone is different of course.

If your friend ends up being a BM, some accommodations you could make for her (that I wouldn't have thought of before having kids myself): if you choose the BM dress, select something that isn't too hard to slip on and off for her to pump/breastfeed throughout the day...if she does agree to get ready with you before your wedding, make sure there's also a private room for her to pump/BF...a massage / spa gift certificate would make a great BM gift.  You seem very considerate, so not trying to step on toes, just sharing ideas  

MesmrEwe

If you'd like her in your wedding - go ahead and ask!  

One thing I'd recommend when it comes to BM dresses is to select a color and designer (I.e. David's because of the Quick turn-around) and let the BM's choose their own style/cut of dress.  That way she can wait until close to the wedding and purchase something within her budget and time constraints without "rush fees" being tacked on.  Her proportions and size will greatly change during the time of her pregnancy and post-baby body can greatly change in that three-month span of time (if she's latching/pumping can also change her needs in a dress design).  

ETA: Pumping/Latching/Formula Feeding...  Be aware, the baby is going to need to eat and bathrooms are not an acceptable location to do this.  Also, this is not predictable at 3mo as to what time this will need to take place, babies at that age don't care that it's time for Mommy to walk down the aisle and aren't going to wait until she's done.  Some babies refuse to take bottles, so if she's latching that's where it can become an issue.  If the baby is going to be formula fed, it's nice to have a place that Dad can take baby to be fed that's comfortable!

Heffalump

You sound like a good friend, and it's nice to see someone who isn't afraid that an infant is going to steal the spotlight from them.  I agree with a lot of the replies above, and would add:

1. Some of this will depend on the kid.  (My DS would have been fine with this arrangement; my DD, not so much.)  Some babies are fussier than others, and you don't really know what you'll get until they arrive.  And even then, a baby who is fussy for the first few weeks may settle down, or vice-versa.  So I think it's wonderful that you want to extend the invitation, and just keep it in the back of your mind that you may have to play it by ear as the date approaches.

2. Some of this will depend on your friend.  You don't really know how you'll feel until you go through it: she may have a dream baby who sleeps well, so she may feel great and be excited to be in your WP.  She may have a terrible sleeper, and she and her H may be sleep deprived and dying on their feet.  She may have PPD*, or she may feel better than ever.  She might be recovering from a C-section.  She might be overwhelmed by the thought of getting the three of them out of town to an event, or she might be thrilled to get out and see people.  So if you want to invite her, then definitely invite her, but be aware that things may change and that's okay.

3. If push comes to shove, does her H even have to look after the baby during the ceremony?  I understand why you want her to stand up with you, I'm just saying that if the baby was fussy or something and she ended up sitting down and jiggling the baby or taking her out to nurse her or something, you would still be able to go on, NBD.

4. Definitely stay flexible about the dress.  If she orders a dress and then after the baby arrives it just doesn't fit right, be open to her getting something in a similar style/color and moving on.  Even when you get back to your pre-baby weight (which took me longer than 3 mo. even when I was breastfeeding, but I'm sure some people do by that point), your shape is kind of different--things shift around, LOL.  (After two kids, I went up two full cup sizes and have stayed there, even though my youngest has been weaned for 2+ years.  I'm so glad I didn't spring for a boob job when I was in high school and really believed that I needed one!) 

TL;DR: you sound like a good person; extend the invitation and let her decide; stay flexible and things will work out.

*ETA: I just realized that PPD also = pretty princess day, but in this context I meant postpartum depression. 

flantastic

I did this for two weddings about a year ago, when DD was 7 weeks and 10 weeks old. First one in our group of friends to have a baby. I committed to both weddings before I knew I was pregnant, but I would have backed out if it truly needed to be done. One of my friends sounded exactly like you, and the other one... well, I told her how it would need to work if I were going to be in the wedding, and she went with it.

DH was able to take care of the baby for the ceremony, and some pictures as well, but either baby or DH+baby was nearby at all times. I was able to hang out while everyone was getting ready - DD was just there also. If the baby is older than 4 months, they may have lost some of the ability to go in a deep sleep anywhere, so that could make it harder.

I ordered 2 sizes up in the first wedding's dress, and I barely fit into it. We got lucky there.

Basically, you can say, "I'd love for you to stand up with me in my wedding. If you would be willing, you can just keep me posted on what you think you and the baby will need in terms of time and space on the day of." That leaves it open enough since she won't necessarily know what she needs yet or what to expect.

ahoywedding

I was in a wedding several years ago. One of the bridesmaids was a cousin of the groom. They were TTC when the bride asked her to be in the wedding, and it was brought up kind of the way you're thinking of doing it. "I know you  may be pregnant or have a small infant and if it's too much please don't feel pressured, but I'd love to have you there." In the time between when we bought our dresses and the wedding, she got pregnant with and gave birth to (preemie) triplets! The bride was super supportive the whole time (and she was quite the bridezilla normally!) and the bridesmaid had a few family members watch her babies during the whole thing. 

It sounds like you have the right idea and want to be supportive of your friend, which is awesome! I think an honest conversation is the best way to go. Extra props if you tell her she doesn't have to wear EXACTLY the same dress as everyone else and let her prioritize comfort!  

englishrose-2

Absolutely ask her! My BM due 2 weeks before wedding and she desperately wants to still come along (if she is able).

also think about how she may feel if you don't ask her because she will have a baby. If you want her there it is better she knows that and that if she doesn't do it the decision is hers.

SP29

Agree- ask her, if you want her there- let her make the decision.

I would tell her that you are OK with her making a last minute decision about her capacity to attend and/or participate in the ceremony. Her only role is to walk down the aisle and stand up beside you in the agreed upon attire, so her making a last minute decision should not affect any of your decisions.

If she decides last minute she cannot participate in the ceremony, or cannot attend at all, she can still be your bridesmaid/MOH. Depending on her post-partum recovery, if she needs to, she could walk up the aisle and then sit in the front row, +/- baby, if need be. Very considerate of you to have a private room she (or husband) could feed the baby in.

As for the dress, I agree with finding a dress store that either has dresses off the rack or a store that is a chain, thus dresses can be ordered in in a few weeks (like David's Bridal). I would also be flexible with what your WP wears (which I think bride's should be anyway); give them a colour and a designer/store. This will allow your friend to buy her dress after baby comes and pick something she is most comfortable in.

Enjoy your wedding planning!

FutureMrs.U

Thanks for all the insights! I will definitely ask her and make it super clear that the choice is hers and we can arrange things in whatever way she needs. Maybe I'm weird, but I think my best friend taking care of her tiny human is more important than my "vision"  
My fiancé and I had already been thinking of just giving the girls a color and letting them choose their own dresses, so I will definitely go that route.