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Future Cousin In Law "Job" Question

So my cousin and his fiancee got engaged in January. I talked to her a couple of times in the past couple of years that I've known her. In early February she told me that she wanted me to be at her bachelorette party in AC.

In April I went to go visit them in Philly, I live in CA. She said I could help them plan the wedding since I'm really organized and detail-oriented. I was so excited! Then on the 3rd day I was there, we were getting ready to go out to lunch with her future in laws in their room and I told her how excited I was about her bachelorette party. She told me that she was concerned about having me there because I don't drink. I tried explaining to her that in the past, then it was almost 4 years, that I've been to bars and concerts where alcohol is everywhere and that I would be okay. Then she uninvited me because I don't drink.

I was really upset and the rest of the time there was really awkward. Flash forward to last week. We have been in contact via texting and since I visited in April, she wants me to be a part of the wedding. I was not asked to be a bridesmaid but she wants me to have a "special job."

Last week, she called and asked if I wanted to pass out programs/fans. I got insulted because as being a part of my cousin's family, I thought that job is meant for people working the wedding who are getting paid. After talking about it with my therapist, she agreed. I texted Ashley* saying that I just want to be a guest and not have any stress. She came back with an "Oh I didn't realize passing out fans would be stressful for you. Is there anything else you would like to be a part of?"

I honestly thought that by saying that I just want to be a guest with no stress would end it. Then she suggests helping with the rehearsal dinner that my aunt and uncle are hosting. I looked up "jobs" at wedding and suggested to her of being a witness to the signing of the marriage certificate but she already has someone doing that.

I'm at a loss of words and sanity of what to do. Just thinking of "needing" to have a "job" at their wedding is stressing me out and I'm across the country. I'm practicing restraint of fingers and tongue as best I can but I could really use some advice.

Sorry it's so long!
Annie

Re: Future Cousin In Law "Job" Question

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    She sounds like kind of an asshole. 

    Other than that, I agree with PPs. "I'm really happy to attend as a guest and celebrate with you. No need for a special job." 
    lc07
  • So cousin sounds like a bit of a jerk. Why can't you attend a bachelorette just because you don't drink? And besides, that should be your decision about whether you'd like to go or not.

     You are very right OP- a job is not an honour at all, and you don't need someone to do the job a basket could do. I would not be honoured by passing out fans.

    Agree with the statement, "I would prefer to celebrate your wedding as a guest- thanks for wanting to include me".
    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • Thanks for all the suggestions! I really wish it would be easy to tell her again that I would really just like to be a guest. SP29-- it's not my cousin who I have the problem with but my future cousin in law to be. I'll try again to tell her I REALLY just want to be a guest and am excited about the wedding.

    I'm guessing she is really trying to push me on this because of guilt but she doesn't know when to stop. I thought for sure that telling her I just want to be a guest would end it but it didn't.

    I just texted her a simple: "Honestly, I'd prefer to be a guest. I can't believe it's 6 months away."
    Annie
  • She responded a few minutes later after I sent it and said "no problem," I asked her why it was so important for me to have a job at the wedding and she said she wanted me to a a part of the wedding.. so I thanked her and left it at that.
    Annie
    SP29MesmrEweeileenrobcowgirl8238
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yeah, she sounds like a jerk. You don't need to have a job at the wedding. I don't get why so many people are under this assumption. And passing out programs/fans is not an honor. No one wants that shitty job. 

    eileenrobInLoveInQueenslevioosasparklepants41
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So my cousin and his fiancee got engaged in January. I talked to her a couple of times in the past couple of years that I've known her. In early February she told me that she wanted me to be at her bachelorette party in AC.

    In April I went to go visit them in Philly, I live in CA. She said I could help them plan the wedding since I'm really organized and detail-oriented. I was so excited! Then on the 3rd day I was there, we were getting ready to go out to lunch with her future in laws in their room and I told her how excited I was about her bachelorette party. She told me that she was concerned about having me there because I don't drink. I tried explaining to her that in the past, then it was almost 4 years, that I've been to bars and concerts where alcohol is everywhere and that I would be okay. Then she uninvited me because I don't drink.

    I was really upset and the rest of the time there was really awkward. Flash forward to last week. We have been in contact via texting and since I visited in April, she wants me to be a part of the wedding. I was not asked to be a bridesmaid but she wants me to have a "special job."

    Last week, she called and asked if I wanted to pass out programs/fans. I got insulted because as being a part of my cousin's family, I thought that job is meant for people working the wedding who are getting paid. After talking about it with my therapist, she agreed. I texted Ashley* saying that I just want to be a guest and not have any stress. She came back with an "Oh I didn't realize passing out fans would be stressful for you. Is there anything else you would like to be a part of?"

    I honestly thought that by saying that I just want to be a guest with no stress would end it. Then she suggests helping with the rehearsal dinner that my aunt and uncle are hosting. I looked up "jobs" at wedding and suggested to her of being a witness to the signing of the marriage certificate but she already has someone doing that.

    I'm at a loss of words and sanity of what to do. Just thinking of "needing" to have a "job" at their wedding is stressing me out and I'm across the country. I'm practicing restraint of fingers and tongue as best I can but I could really use some advice.

    Sorry it's so long!
    Thanks for all the suggestions! I really wish it would be easy to tell her again that I would really just like to be a guest. SP29-- it's not my cousin who I have the problem with but my future cousin in law to be. I'll try again to tell her I REALLY just want to be a guest and am excited about the wedding.

    I'm guessing she is really trying to push me on this because of guilt but she doesn't know when to stop. I thought for sure that telling her I just want to be a guest would end it but it didn't.

    I just texted her a simple: "Honestly, I'd prefer to be a guest. I can't believe it's 6 months away."

    She responded a few minutes later after I sent it and said "no problem," I asked her why it was so important for me to have a job at the wedding and she said she wanted me to a a part of the wedding.. so I thanked her and left it at that.


    She sounds like a peach.  I'm glad you got it all worked out!

    And one of my MOHs was pregnant during my wedding planning and it was not a big deal at all.  In fact, she was the DD for the bachelorette and after our wedding!  And now the shoe is on the other foot since I am pregnant - she and her H had a DD for the Jimmy Buffett show!

    MissKittyDangerDrillSergeantCat
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Thanks for all the suggestions! I really wish it would be easy to tell her again that I would really just like to be a guest. SP29-- it's not my cousin who I have the problem with but my future cousin in law to be. I'll try again to tell her I REALLY just want to be a guest and am excited about the wedding.

    I'm guessing she is really trying to push me on this because of guilt but she doesn't know when to stop. I thought for sure that telling her I just want to be a guest would end it but it didn't.

    I just texted her a simple: "Honestly, I'd prefer to be a guest. I can't believe it's 6 months away."


    She responded a few minutes later after I sent it and said "no problem," I asked her why it was so important for me to have a job at the wedding and she said she wanted me to a a part of the wedding.. so I thanked her and left it at that.

    Oh look, it was easy to tell her you just wanted to be a guest.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    justsie
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