For me, it would come down to the age of the kids.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
Eight years ago I had a prolonged affair with a co-worker that ended my already-deteriorating marriage. My ex-wife and I have two teenage boys who don’t yet know the affair was what brought down the final curtain on our relationship. Although my marriage was already on the rocks, I regret having an affair and realize it was the wrong way to deal with my unhappiness. I ended it, we finalized our divorce, and now my ex-wife and I have an amicable, cooperative co-parenting relationship.

Since then, I have tried dating, but have had trouble meeting anyone I care about as much as the woman I had an affair with. I am still in love with her. She now lives far away and works elsewhere, but we have reconnected and I would love to be in a relationship with her, if it weren’t for our past and the complications it might raise for my relationship with my family (she feels the same mix of excitement and trepidation). We have discussed ways to see each other occasionally for now, with an eye toward eventually moving to the same place and being together. The issue that concerns me now is my relationship with my ex-wife and our children. While I don’t think either my ex or I should have any veto over each other’s romantic life, our cooperative co-parenting would be in for a bumpy ride if I were to reconnect with, and marry, this woman. I do not believe that I am entitled to keep the information about how I came to know her from my children, and I know it could be harmful to my relationship with my kids. Do you believe I should pursue this in order to be happy? Or should I avoid it, in order to preserve peace?

—Old Wounds, New Hope

Heffalump

I agree with their plan to see each other occasionally, for now.  They need to take it slow.  Maybe they are MFEO, or maybe since they've been apart and only had affair drama (rather than mundane domesticity), they have overly romanticized their relationship.  So I wouldn't be in any rush to figure out what to say to the ex and kids at this point: figure out whether the LW and his paramour can sustain a relationship, and if so, then be honest with the kids and ex. 

DrillSergeantCat

Agree with everything you said @Heffalump but I wouldn't explain to the kids that I had had an affair with this woman while married to their mother. "We met at work when she still lived here" is sufficient.

charlotte989875

See where the potential relationship goes before getting the children and ex-involved. If it becomes serious out of respect I do think he should tell his ex if they are in regular contact, plus I think (as a non-parent) each parent should at least know who is in regular contact with their children. As for the teenagers, is it possible they know what ended the marriage? 

Heffalump

charlotte989875 said:

See where the potential relationship goes before getting the children and ex-involved. If it becomes serious out of respect I do think he should tell his ex if they are in regular contact, plus I think (as a non-parent) each parent should at least know who is in regular contact with their children. As for the teenagers, is it possible they know what ended the marriage? 

This.  First, this information always comes out, somehow, and the longer you hide it, the worse it is.  Then people feel like you've been lying to them for years.  (Because you have been.)  And second, kids always seem to know more than their parents think they do.

Either way, concealing the truth doesn't do much to build trust between the kids and their parents.  But as I said, I would figure out my relationship with this woman first, before making any big announcements to anyone.   

mrsconn23

Heffalump said:

charlotte989875 said:

See where the potential relationship goes before getting the children and ex-involved. If it becomes serious out of respect I do think he should tell his ex if they are in regular contact, plus I think (as a non-parent) each parent should at least know who is in regular contact with their children. As for the teenagers, is it possible they know what ended the marriage? 

This.  First, this information always comes out, somehow, and the longer you hide it, the worse it is.  Then people feel like you've been lying to them for years.  (Because you have been.)  And second, kids always seem to know more than their parents think they do.

Either way, concealing the truth doesn't do much to build trust between the kids and their parents.  But as I said, I would figure out my relationship with this woman first, before making any big announcements to anyone.   

I agree with all of this.  

From the tone of his letter and how 'careful' he is about all of it, I think he knows that his ex could be spiteful about this.  That's why the age of the kids depends on how I would personally advise him.  If they are under 13 or 14, I think he needs to keep his pants on/keep it light and focus on raising his kids.  Because if his ex is not going to handle this well, I don't see how this won't impact his kids.   And keeping a harmonious co-parenting relationship should be #1 vs. where you want to dip your wick. 

charlotte989875

mrsconn23 said:

Heffalump said:

charlotte989875 said:

See where the potential relationship goes before getting the children and ex-involved. If it becomes serious out of respect I do think he should tell his ex if they are in regular contact, plus I think (as a non-parent) each parent should at least know who is in regular contact with their children. As for the teenagers, is it possible they know what ended the marriage? 

This.  First, this information always comes out, somehow, and the longer you hide it, the worse it is.  Then people feel like you've been lying to them for years.  (Because you have been.)  And second, kids always seem to know more than their parents think they do.

Either way, concealing the truth doesn't do much to build trust between the kids and their parents.  But as I said, I would figure out my relationship with this woman first, before making any big announcements to anyone.   

I agree with all of this.  

From the tone of his letter and how 'careful' he is about all of it, I think he knows that his ex could be spiteful about this.  That's why the age of the kids depends on how I would personally advise him.  If they are under 13 or 14, I think he needs to keep his pants on/keep it light and focus on raising his kids.  Because if his ex is not going to handle this well, I don't see how this won't impact his kids.   And keeping a harmonious co-parenting relationship should be #1 vs. where you want to dip your wick. 

I love this. 

Subwayloves

My FIL cheated on MIL just before I started dating H, and has now been married to the woman he cheated with (who also happens to be with woman he was with in high school directly before MIL) for 2 years. H was 18 when all of this happened, and didn't talk to or see his dad for about the first year we were dating because of this. It's now almost 6 years later, and while he does talk to and see his dad now, the relationship will never be the same. Having MIL and FIL in the same room is an issue even now (both have left early and/or not come to events because the other was there), and I am worried about when we have kids because sorry we're not having 2 birthday parties every year because they can't act like adults and just be civil or even ignore each other. MIL is now engaged to someone FIL graduated high school with, who is friendly to everyone, and has talked to FIL and tried to make things less awkward when they have been at events together. Hoping this will make things better in the next few years before we have kids.

I definitely think the age of the kids matters, but just because they're older doesn't mean it won't affect LWs relationship with them. I'd think long and hard if being with this woman is worth the possible issues it could cause.

Ro041

"I do not believe that I am entitled to keep the information about how I came to know her from my children, and I know it could be harmful to my relationship with my kids."

Isn't that half of what being a parent is -- keeping info from kids until they are old enough/mature enough/able to cope with the information?  And how much information does he think the kids want?  What other info does he think he is not "entitled" to keep from his children?  Eight years is a long time and I am not sure the kids are entitled to anything more than "I met her at work.  We didn't speak for 8 years and we reconnected recently."

PrettyGirlLost

Truth will out.

If the teens don't already know about the affair, they will at some point.

I agree with PPs that he should take this potential relationship really slowly, and shouldn't entertain the idea of introducing her to his kids or even discussing her in much detail until it's apparent the relationship is serious.  At which point he should be honest with both his kids and his ex.

And from there he has to be willing to accept the consequences and fall out of his affair and his relationship with his paramour.  Like @Subwayloves said, even adult kids can have very strong, visceral, negative reactions when they discover infidelity among their parents.

Subwayloves said:

My FIL cheated on MIL just before I started dating H, and has now been married to the woman he cheated with (who also happens to be with woman he was with in high school directly before MIL) for 2 years. H was 18 when all of this happened, and didn't talk to or see his dad for about the first year we were dating because of this. It's now almost 6 years later, and while he does talk to and see his dad now, the relationship will never be the same. Having MIL and FIL in the same room is an issue even now (both have left early and/or not come to events because the other was there), and I am worried about when we have kids because sorry we're not having 2 birthday parties every year because they can't act like adults and just be civil or even ignore each other. MIL is now engaged to someone FIL graduated high school with, who is friendly to everyone, and has talked to FIL and tried to make things less awkward when they have been at events together. Hoping this will make things better in the next few years before we have kids.

I definitely think the age of the kids matters, but just because they're older doesn't mean it won't affect LWs relationship with them. I'd think long and hard if being with this woman is worth the possible issues it could cause.

That is acting like an adult, though.  Regardless of your MIL current relationship status, she may never feel comfortable or want to be in the presence of her ex and his lover now wife, even if that means ducking out early on her grandkids' birthday parties or skipping them entirely.

As long as she finds a way to still be involved in their lives, it should all work out fine.  She can spend time with them individually, and do things with them for their birthdays without having to be present for their parties if she doesn't want to be around her ex. 

ei34

Agree with PPs who said that he should see if a relationship with the co-worker could be sustainable.  It seems like more than an affair if LW says he's "still in love with her".  He should tread lightly though, because whether his kids are 13 and 14 or 23 and 24, once someone hears "___ had an affair", that may be to them the reason that their parents aren't together.  Unless you're married, it's hard to understand all that goes into a marriage, and the compromising and the fact that every day, but people have to be in it emotionally (and certainly physically). 

kimmiinthemitten

I agree about making sure they are age appropriate, especially since that will likely affect the coparenting. 

But it at the same time, when the time is right, there is nothing wrong with saying "sometimes people meet at the wrong time and I regret the way I treated your mother and want to try this again, the right way."  It's okay to be honest, and it's okay to still be in love with the person you had an affair with it. 

SP29

I agree age of the children is a big factor. There is definitely an age appropriateness to this topic and it will affect how and how much LW tells his children. I like the way kimmi worded her response- it's honest without blame.

I agree LW needs to tread lightly and carefully, but at the same time, I don't think he should give up his future happiness either (if he and this woman are serious).

My parents are divorced and had a rocky on-off marriage throughout (despite not having a bad marriage). I learned about what affected their marriage as a young adult- finances, lifestyle and affairs- on both sides. That was definitely uncomfortable to hear at that time. I think at that point I still had the view of "my parents are these perfect adults I look up to", where as now I realize adults are just people making it through life like everyone else, and it doesn't bother me. Both of my parents had a few relationships post, my dad now married and my mom living common-law. They get along, see each other at family events and continue to co-parent. Mind you, neither is with a person they had an affair with.

banana468

I half wonder if he's in love with her or if he's in love with the lust and what he had with her.   If a relationship feels like it hasn't run its course the lack of closure can eat away at you but you shouldn't mistake it for love.    It's living a fantasy.

I'd want him to think long and hard about how he actually feels before plunging in.