Ceremony and Vow Ideas

"Reserved" seat for dead grandparent?

My grandpa passed away last year.  I was close to him and I miss him so much.  He never got to meet my fiance -- he knew we were dating but they never got to meet.  It makes me really sad to think he won't be there.

I had an idea at the ceremony to have a seat "saved" for him, next to my dad (his son), with a big framed picture of my grandpa on the seat.  It'd make me really happy to look out and see his face.

I mentioned it in passing to my stepmom, who thought it was a lovely idea.  But then she said, "Are you going to do that for your other grandparents?"

On one hand, my other three grandparents passed away when I was a preteen or younger, and to be totally honest, I just wasn't very close to them.  I have fond memories of them (of course!) and I loved them, but I didn't feel the way I did about my grandpa.  I was devastated when he died.

But on the other hand, the last thing I want to do is disrespect my parents or the memory of my grandparents.  I just don't know if my plan is disrespectful.

My options as I see it are:

1) Do a "reserved" seat at the ceremony only for my grandpa.  This may hurt my mom and dad or be disrespectful.

2) Do a "reserved" seat for all four.

3) Have a little table set up somewhere at the reception with some kind of "For those who are missed," with pictures of all my grandparents on it, as well as other people close to me and my fiance who have passed away.  This doesn't honor my grandpa quite as much as I'd like, but it's probably the option that has the least potential to cause hurt feelings.

I don't want to be an a-hole to my parents.  My instinct is maybe to scrap (1) and (2) and just set up the remembrance table.

I'd appreciate any thoughts.  Thank you!

image

Re: "Reserved" seat for dead grandparent?

  • My grandpa passed away last year.  I was close to him and I miss him so much.  He never got to meet my fiance -- he knew we were dating but they never got to meet.  It makes me really sad to think he won't be there.

    I had an idea at the ceremony to have a seat "saved" for him, next to my dad (his son), with a big framed picture of my grandpa on the seat.  It'd make me really happy to look out and see his face.

    I mentioned it in passing to my stepmom, who thought it was a lovely idea.  But then she said, "Are you going to do that for your other grandparents?"

    On one hand, my other three grandparents passed away when I was a preteen or younger, and to be totally honest, I just wasn't very close to them.  I have fond memories of them (of course!) and I loved them, but I didn't feel the way I did about my grandpa.  I was devastated when he died.

    But on the other hand, the last thing I want to do is disrespect my parents or the memory of my grandparents.  I just don't know if my plan is disrespectful.

    My options as I see it are:

    1) Do a "reserved" seat at the ceremony only for my grandpa.  This may hurt my mom and dad or be disrespectful.

    2) Do a "reserved" seat for all four.

    3) Have a little table set up somewhere at the reception with some kind of "For those who are missed," with pictures of all my grandparents on it, as well as other people close to me and my fiance who have passed away.  This doesn't honor my grandpa quite as much as I'd like, but it's probably the option that has the least potential to cause hurt feelings.

    I don't want to be an a-hole to my parents.  My instinct is maybe to scrap (1) and (2) and just set up the remembrance table.

    I'd appreciate any thoughts.  Thank you!
    Honestly, I think 3 is the only good option here, and even an entire memorial table might be a little much. It will make you happy to look out and see his face, but what if it upsets other people? 

    I think the best option would be to have pictures of loved ones on a table at the reception. I would stay away from any sign or memorializing, but simply have pictures (maybe even wedding pictures if you can get them) of your loved ones. People will understand. 
    peachy13sparklepants41mollybarker11
  • My grandpa passed away last year.  I was close to him and I miss him so much.  He never got to meet my fiance -- he knew we were dating but they never got to meet.  It makes me really sad to think he won't be there.

    I had an idea at the ceremony to have a seat "saved" for him, next to my dad (his son), with a big framed picture of my grandpa on the seat.  It'd make me really happy to look out and see his face.

    I mentioned it in passing to my stepmom, who thought it was a lovely idea.  But then she said, "Are you going to do that for your other grandparents?"

    On one hand, my other three grandparents passed away when I was a preteen or younger, and to be totally honest, I just wasn't very close to them.  I have fond memories of them (of course!) and I loved them, but I didn't feel the way I did about my grandpa.  I was devastated when he died.

    But on the other hand, the last thing I want to do is disrespect my parents or the memory of my grandparents.  I just don't know if my plan is disrespectful.

    My options as I see it are:

    1) Do a "reserved" seat at the ceremony only for my grandpa.  This may hurt my mom and dad or be disrespectful.

    2) Do a "reserved" seat for all four.

    3) Have a little table set up somewhere at the reception with some kind of "For those who are missed," with pictures of all my grandparents on it, as well as other people close to me and my fiance who have passed away.  This doesn't honor my grandpa quite as much as I'd like, but it's probably the option that has the least potential to cause hurt feelings.

    I don't want to be an a-hole to my parents.  My instinct is maybe to scrap (1) and (2) and just set up the remembrance table.

    I'd appreciate any thoughts.  Thank you!
    Honestly, I think 3 is the only good option here, and even an entire memorial table might be a little much. It will make you happy to look out and see his face, but what if it upsets other people? 

    I think the best option would be to have pictures of loved ones on a table at the reception. I would stay away from any sign or memorializing, but simply have pictures (maybe even wedding pictures if you can get them) of your loved ones. People will understand. 
    I think you're right.  I might just even stick to little things that honor him without making it too obvious -- Manhattans as our signature drink, and marbles incorporated in the centerpieces somehow (he was a collector).  I don't want to upset anyone, for sure.
    Excellent ideas!

    Keep it subtle. The subtle things will still be important and meaningful to you, and when you see them you will smile.
    ginnybinny17eileenrobInLoveInQueenspeachy13
  • Please don't forget about your FI's grandparents too for whatever you do. It may upset his family to see your family memorialized and honored without their family.
    ahoywedding
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    My grandpa passed away last year.  I was close to him and I miss him so much.  He never got to meet my fiance -- he knew we were dating but they never got to meet.  It makes me really sad to think he won't be there.

    I had an idea at the ceremony to have a seat "saved" for him, next to my dad (his son), with a big framed picture of my grandpa on the seat.  It'd make me really happy to look out and see his face.

    I mentioned it in passing to my stepmom, who thought it was a lovely idea.  But then she said, "Are you going to do that for your other grandparents?"

    On one hand, my other three grandparents passed away when I was a preteen or younger, and to be totally honest, I just wasn't very close to them.  I have fond memories of them (of course!) and I loved them, but I didn't feel the way I did about my grandpa.  I was devastated when he died.

    But on the other hand, the last thing I want to do is disrespect my parents or the memory of my grandparents.  I just don't know if my plan is disrespectful.

    My options as I see it are:

    1) Do a "reserved" seat at the ceremony only for my grandpa.  This may hurt my mom and dad or be disrespectful.

    2) Do a "reserved" seat for all four.

    3) Have a little table set up somewhere at the reception with some kind of "For those who are missed," with pictures of all my grandparents on it, as well as other people close to me and my fiance who have passed away.  This doesn't honor my grandpa quite as much as I'd like, but it's probably the option that has the least potential to cause hurt feelings.

    I don't want to be an a-hole to my parents.  My instinct is maybe to scrap (1) and (2) and just set up the remembrance table.

    I'd appreciate any thoughts.  Thank you!
    Have you asked your dad how he feels about this?  Does your grandfather have any living siblings or other grandchildren that might be shocked and saddened to see something sad at a wedding celebration.  This gesture may offer you some comfort, but it could give unprepared guests a completely different reaction.

    Don't turn your wedding into a memorial for the deceased.  As others have said, keep tributes simple and subtle.  Play music at your reception that reminds you of your grandfather.  Include a favorite food of his in your menu.  Incorporate his favorite color into your bouquet or reception decor.
    DrillSergeantCatHeffalump
  • Please don't forget about your FI's grandparents too for whatever you do. It may upset his family to see your family memorialized and honored without their family.
    His grandparents are all alive.

    image
  • MobKaz said:
    My grandpa passed away last year.  I was close to him and I miss him so much.  He never got to meet my fiance -- he knew we were dating but they never got to meet.  It makes me really sad to think he won't be there.

    I had an idea at the ceremony to have a seat "saved" for him, next to my dad (his son), with a big framed picture of my grandpa on the seat.  It'd make me really happy to look out and see his face.

    I mentioned it in passing to my stepmom, who thought it was a lovely idea.  But then she said, "Are you going to do that for your other grandparents?"

    On one hand, my other three grandparents passed away when I was a preteen or younger, and to be totally honest, I just wasn't very close to them.  I have fond memories of them (of course!) and I loved them, but I didn't feel the way I did about my grandpa.  I was devastated when he died.

    But on the other hand, the last thing I want to do is disrespect my parents or the memory of my grandparents.  I just don't know if my plan is disrespectful.

    My options as I see it are:

    1) Do a "reserved" seat at the ceremony only for my grandpa.  This may hurt my mom and dad or be disrespectful.

    2) Do a "reserved" seat for all four.

    3) Have a little table set up somewhere at the reception with some kind of "For those who are missed," with pictures of all my grandparents on it, as well as other people close to me and my fiance who have passed away.  This doesn't honor my grandpa quite as much as I'd like, but it's probably the option that has the least potential to cause hurt feelings.

    I don't want to be an a-hole to my parents.  My instinct is maybe to scrap (1) and (2) and just set up the remembrance table.

    I'd appreciate any thoughts.  Thank you!
    Have you asked your dad how he feels about this?  Does your grandfather have any living siblings or other grandchildren that might be shocked and saddened to see something sad at a wedding celebration.  This gesture may offer you some comfort, but it could give unprepared guests a completely different reaction.

    Don't turn your wedding into a memorial for the deceased.  As others have said, keep tributes simple and subtle.  Play music at your reception that reminds you of your grandfather.  Include a favorite food of his in your menu.  Incorporate his favorite color into your bouquet or reception decor.
    Yeah, I think I'm going to stick to the marbles and Manhattans.

    image
    SaintPaulGalILoveBeachMusic
  • OP, the Manhattans and the marbles are both great ideas. I always think that when honoring deceased loved ones at a wedding, it's better to go with something subtle and/or that evokes happy memories of the person, rather than something that will just remind everyone that the person is gone and make them sad. To be honest, I find both the "reserved" seats and remembrance tables a little morbid. Weddings are supposed to be about life and new beginnings, not about mourning.
    image
    InLoveInQueens
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member

    This is how I "memorialized" my dad. That's his wedding ring I'm wearing on my wrist and right before the train left the station, a friend gave me the charm with dad's picture in it. At the reception, we had pictures of both my and H's dads but no sign or anything about missing people.
    eileenrobSP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    I like the Manhattan/marbles idea. It's a loving yet subtle gesture that doesn't smack of grief and mourning the way a more outright "memorial" gesture like "reserved" seats or photo tables would.

    One other thing you can do: if you are going to have programs at your wedding, you can give your grandfather a tribute in the programs.
    charlotte989875
  • I love the idea of the drinks & decor being subtle nods to him. I saw somewhere online (etsy likely?) that will make small charms for your bouquet with photos of loved ones. A friend of mine had a brooch that was her grandma's pinned to her bouquet. I'm thinking about wearing some of my grandma's jewelry. People who knew and loved your grandfather will pick up on the small reminders. 

    (Also just as a PS...I would be a little creeped out to see a photo of a friend's deceased relative on a seat at their wedding)
    ILoveBeachMusic
  • I love the idea of the drinks & decor being subtle nods to him. I saw somewhere online (etsy likely?) that will make small charms for your bouquet with photos of loved ones. A friend of mine had a brooch that was her grandma's pinned to her bouquet. I'm thinking about wearing some of my grandma's jewelry. People who knew and loved your grandfather will pick up on the small reminders. 

    (Also just as a PS...I would be a little creeped out to see a photo of a friend's deceased relative on a seat at their wedding)
    This.  People who also knew and loved the deceased may feel shocked and saddened to be reminded of the rawness of their loss in this way.  And to people who were not close to the departed individual, it just seems morbid and maudlin. 
    ILoveBeachMusicJen4948mollybarker11
  • I like the idea of the drinks and decor.  I'm doing something similar :) 

    My father passed away in February 2015 and my fiance's best friend passed away in January 2015.  I'm incorporating my dad by wrapping his only tie around my bouquet so he can still kind of walk me down the aisle.  

    We are also getting married outside under a pergola.  I've been thinking about how to decorate it and then it hit me a few days ago. Dream catchers.  Both my father and my fiance's friend liked dream catchers.  We are going to hang one of my dad's on my side and one of his friend's on his side and then I'm going to make something similar to the picture below to make it 'make sense'.  We are also going to put the thing I make above our bed when it's over so it's a win win. :) 

    I do have other relatives that have passed away - but these two were going to be a huge part of the ceremony.  

  • I agree with PP. Seeing a picture of a deceased loved one may be too emotional and painful and it will only remind them of the lose. I love your idea of using his signature drink as a way to incorporate him on your big day. Perhaps you can find favorites of other loved ones to include on your special day. 
    My grandmother passed away about 20 years ago and FI's grandmother passed away a little over a year ago. As a way of remembering them, I am placing both their favorite flowers as part of my centerpieces. Anyone that knew them would notice the simple touch.
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    @knottie1027 this is a zombie thread and hasn't been commented on in almost a year. It is considered bad forum etiquette to comment on zombie threads. 
  • Sorry I didn't realize it was that old. Thanks for the info. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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