Wedding Woes

Evil mom ruins everything for me.

Dear Prudence,
My mom refuses to go to counseling over our relationship. My dad encourages it, my husband thinks it’s necessary, and I’ve pleaded with her. Holidays are tortuous because of the way she speaks to me—primarily when others are not around—and she’s also used it on friends and family who find excuses to no longer come around. Her infamous “sneak attacks” are unusually cruel and have been that way since I was a teenager. These comments used to be about my weight/acne/a very minor jaw deformity I was born with, and now that I’m older it’s about how my daughter looks, or why my husband would ever cheat on me (usually because of how I look), or our career choices. My husband doesn’t think we should do Christmas (even though it’s the heart and soul of my family) unless she agrees to go to counseling. She said she will never go and that she will not be “held hostage” by the holidays. I feel so torn. My dad and sister would be particularly crushed if we didn’t come. Should I give my mom a deadline about counseling for future holidays? Am I wrong to insist upon it? In the past I have tried to always find a “buddy” in the house who will stay with me and avoid activities with just my mom, but she can say things while walking and it only takes her seconds. And these comments haunt me for years.

—Cruel and Unusual

Re: Evil mom ruins everything for me.

  • LW is speaking my language (or at least what used to be my language before I decided to do something about it). My mother has diagnosed depression and anxiety and refuses to follow any of her doctor's prescriptions for meds or therapy. She is often difficult to get along with. I lover her and sometimes things are great, and sometimes they are very much not. 

    LW needs to deal with these issues on her own. Individual therapy, coping skills, behavioral therapy, and learning to set boundaries with mom will help. 

    It's not that easy to "just not go", but it also doesn't have to be like this. 
  • The LW needs to plan individual activities with just her dad and/or sister.  Or be prepared to leave the moment her mom says something mean.  Rinse and repeat.  And if dad/sis are bummed she isn't there for the holidays.  Too damn bad.  They can see her other times.

    Plus, now that the LW has a daughter, her first priority is to protect that child from evil grandma.  I'm sure she doesn't want her child emotionally scarred for years, like she was, from the terrible comments she is/will be exposed to.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • So why is the LW allowing herself to be held hostage, per her moms terms?

    Stop going.  And if that damages the relationship with dad and sibling, so be it.  They stood by and allowed the abuse too.
    This.

    LW should be held hostage by her mom. Dad and Sister must realize what is going on, and why are they OK with it?

    Of course easier said than done, but LW needs to cut Mom out of her life. Particularly when Mom started bring LW's daughter into the mess as well.
  • LW doesn't realize the therapist won't wave a magic fairy wand over her Mom and her Mom will see the error of her ways in magical Sunshine, Rainbows, and Unicorn style sessions...  Nope - LW - Therapy doesn't work that way!  Simply put the LW needs to work with a great therapist who can teach her to understand she's got a pair, they're just a little higher and she needs to use the set!  If that means staying away, so be it, invite the Sister and Dad over to her place instead, if they recognize the problem to that extent they'll understand.
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