Irked

Knottie1440621532

I don't even know if this is me being snarky or if I have just had enough. My future MIL is mental and I am not just throwing this term around lightly. She constantly picks fights with my fiancée and then threatens not to come to our wedding. Our wedding is a destination wedding and although my fiancée and his parents aren't particularly close, I know he would like to have them there. This weekend she picked a fight and then sent me a cryptic message stating that her relationship with my fiancée is irreparable and she just wants him to be happy so she has to leave him alone. I didn't realize until after I shared it with my fiancée that was her way of telling me she isn't coming to the wedding. I honestly find the constant threats of not attending cruel and it is draining balancing her emotions with wedding planning. My mother passed away a few years ago and dealing with her not being there is tough enough, I don't need nor want the extra drama from this toxic person. I want to politely acknowledge receipt of her text but then again I really don't want anything to do with her. Has anyone dealt with anything like this? How did you handle?

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie1440621532 said:

I don't even know if this is me being snarky or if I have just had enough. My future MIL is mental and I am not just throwing this term around lightly. She constantly picks fights with my fiancée and then threatens not to come to our wedding. Our wedding is a destination wedding and although my fiancée and his parents aren't particularly close, I know he would like to have them there. This weekend she picked a fight and then sent me a cryptic message stating that her relationship with my fiancée is irreparable and she just wants him to be happy so she has to leave him alone. I didn't realize until after I shared it with my fiancée that was her way of telling me she isn't coming to the wedding. I honestly find the constant threats of not attending cruel and it is draining balancing her emotions with wedding planning. My mother passed away a few years ago and dealing with her not being there is tough enough, I don't need nor want the extra drama from this toxic person. I want to politely acknowledge receipt of her text but then again I really don't want anything to do with her. Has anyone dealt with anything like this? How did you handle?

Sadly, you can't control other people's behavior - just how you react to it.  This sounds like classic manipulation.  Your fiance should simply respond with "We'll miss you if you can't make it, and hope you change your mind."    I'd try to stay out of it as much as possible if I were you and focus on being there for FI.

I can't imagine how stressful and hurtful this might be.  Has he spoken with a counselor about it?

Knottie1440621532

Lol. I needed that little laugh. He hasn't talked to a counselor but I have recommended it to him. She has been this way his whole life and it is so upsetting to me that he finds this normal.

southernbelle0915

If he's not close with her and you're not close with her, why are y'all engaging so with her so much that it's draining on you? Why?!

If she doesn't think the relationship is repairable and she keeps threatening not to come, just say, "Ok, we'll plan on you not attending. Let us know by the RSVP deadline if you change your mind." And then Let. It. Go. Stop engaging her. Stop coddling her drama. Stop talking about her and her antics. 

ShesSoCold

southernbelle0915 said:

If he's not close with her and you're not close with her, why are y'all engaging so with her so much that it's draining on you? Why?!

If she doesn't think the relationship is repairable and she keeps threatening not to come, just say, "Ok, we'll plan on you not attending. Let us know by the RSVP deadline if you change your mind." And then Let. It. Go. Stop engaging her. Stop coddling her drama. Stop talking about her and her antics. 

Yep. This.

My MIL pulled some similar crap. The less H and I engaged with her, the less annoying and dramatic she became. When she said she wasn't coming to the wedding, H told her he'd miss her and hung up. Bam. Done.

LondonLisa

People are who they are, not who you want them to be. 

Text back ' We're sorry you feel that way. We'll miss you. You are of course still welcome if you change your mind' and leave it. 

She is doing this roller coaster because she knows it gets a rise out of you. Don't let her bait you for attention. 

cowgirl8238

I agree that this is a sucky situation but it is best to stop feeding your FMIL.  I would just reply you will be missed and stop engaging her.  The more of a reaction she gets the more likely she is to keep behaving poorly.

CMGragain

You will not be able to please your FMIL.  Stop trying.
Encourage your FI to get counseling.
Respond to FMIL as others have suggested.  "Sorry you won't be there.  You will be missed."  (She is going to hate that!)  Odds are, she will come.

My MIL sat in a corner, crying, at our reception, telling everyone that her son had just made the biggest mistake of his life.  I never stopped smiling.  I ignored her, and I got a lot of sympathy from the other guests, who knew her tactics well.  A few years later, she discovered that if she wanted to see her grandchildren, then she had to behave.  Any tantrums from her meant that we left immediately.

ahoywedding

My dad's mom pulled the same crap with my mom for SEVERAL years after they were married (I remember her calling my mom during the day to tell her how shitty of a person she is, etc). My mom quit engaging with her and when we'd go to events at their house, she'd talk to everyone but her MIL. Things kind of got a little better, but his mom kept on for her entire life about how my mom "took her baby away." It's not a great situation, but people pull that crap to get a rise out of you. If you ignore them and don't let them see you sweat, they tend to back down a little.

InLoveInQueens

LondonLisa said:

People are who they are, not who you want them to be. 

Text back ' We're sorry you feel that way. We'll miss you. You are of course still welcome if you change your mind' and leave it. 

She is doing this roller coaster because she knows it gets a rise out of you. Don't let her bait you for attention. 

That's what I did when my grandma threw a tantrum about how she shouldn't even bother coming up for my wedding because "no one [was] going" since it was only immediate family and my BFF. She ended up coming but either way it gets the point across that you don't care about their fit and they can whine all they want, just not to you.

randomslove

My bio-dad isn't coming to my wedding, and it's mostly because he's an immature jerk who doesn't want to see my step-dad walk me down the aisle. I understand the frustration of dealing with someone who is sending text messages and being emotionally manipulative, etc. My response to my bio-dad not coming (which he texted me after a phone call) was, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you, and wish you would come, but I understand."

I highly suggest that, if you respond, you keep it very minimalist-- something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way." And keep it to that, if they continue.

Also, I'm sorry to hear that your mom passed.