Just Engaged and Proposals

Younger sister's (25) boyfriend proposed to her before my boyfriend did (28). How to cope?

Hi everyone!

I am a 28 year old woman with a problem. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a 1 1/2 years and he moved in last May. The relationship overall has moved pretty fast. I told him I did not want him moving in without an engagement in the near future and since that is not happening, I have been very upset. My family is aware of the situation.

Over Christmas, even though my boyfriend has not purchased a ring, he asked my parents for permission to propose. We live across the country, so he might not get a chance to ask in-person for awhile. This was a very big step, and my family was very excited. Literally 4 hours after that, my sister's boyfriend asked, then he proposed 2 days later.

This whole situation has made me very upset for a number of reasons.

1-my boyfriend asked first. my sister's boyfriend made no consideration of that, and now we will have to wai to get engaged to not "overshadow" her moment. I also feel like I will never get my moment(s), since my sister will have had all of hers first.

2-my mom told me "well, your sister is engaged because her boyfriend could afford a ring and yours cant". while my boyfriend is saving for a ring, my sister told me that her boyfriend is actually making payments on the ring he proposed to her with. even worse, my sister told her boyfriend that he could not propose until he had paid fully for it. well he did anyway.

3-No one in my family has been sympathetic to me, or will admit that my feelings should be hurt. I have been crying every day I am so upset and stressed. My sister was angry over Christmas about her boyfriend doing something (before the engagement) and my mom and dad literally left me at my grandmother's house and took her home to console her. Her feelings always seem to be a priority over mine.

Another problem is that my mother is under some odd impression that I do not want a wedding. She called me and said "You are just planning on getting married at the courthouse, right?" while calling my sister bugging her about wedding plans. My mother has been extremely involved in all of her friend's daughter's wedding planning as well. After the engagement that's all my mom would talk about and instead of being like "its ok, don't worry" I got a "well.. i guess you're next".

At first, I was happy for my sister. Our boyfriends get along very well. But, as reality sunk in, I got very depressed and realized that this situation is kind of shitty. I feel like my wedding/engagement will never be special because my sister beat me to it. My sister has always been more successful than me and this stings. I have tried talking to her about my feelings (not in a confrontational way) and she literally told me "I just didn't think you were traditional or were ever going to get married".. what?! I've never said that.

Have any of you been through this or have any advice on how to cope?

Re: Younger sister's (25) boyfriend proposed to her before my boyfriend did (28). How to cope?

  • emmy7272emmy7272
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited January 6
    Every relationship is different--and everyone's milestones happen at different times. I don't have a sister, but I do understand why your knee-jerk reaction would be upset/jealousy in this situation.

    Just don't stay upset for a long time. Realize that it ISN'T a competition. Your sister's relationship is not comparable to your own. You will both have beautiful weddings--regardless of which wedding comes first.  :)

    Sidenote: you should have a discussion with your mom. You seem hurt over those ambivalent-sounding comments she's said regarding a "courthouse wedding". Is there anything you might have said to make her think you DON'T want a big wedding? Regardless, you should talk with her and let her know that those comments have been on your mind. She likely didn't realize how those statements came off. I'm SURE she did not want to hurt you.
    kimmiinthemittenernursejOurWildKingdom
  • I'm so sorry! I totally understand why you feel the way you do. Because of a strained relationship with my father and not wanting to continue the cycle and marry someone like him or my grandfather, I didn't date. I waited and did not have my first boyfriend until last year, right after I turned 26. We're now planning on getting married, and I'm so happy I waited for him, but the meantime was difficult. Even though it was my choice to remain single, it's been lonely watching my college roommate get engaged and married, my friends from high school getting married and having babies, and my brother getting married. I know age shouldn't really matter, but it was even more difficult seeing those younger than me engaged and then married.

    But what I can tell you is this: what we see from the outside is not always the truth. My best friend got married this past June. In August, I was at their apartment visiting and talking about my progressing relationship. Her husband started complaining about how my BFF begged for a key to his apartment, nagged him constantly about the ring, etc. She was really embarrassed, and it's obvious that he holds some resentment for the way their relationship evolved. There's also the case of my college friend, whose boyfriend broke up with her for another woman, but when she cried and had a breakdown he took her back and proposed. They're now getting a divorce. However, I also have friends who are married and extremely happy.

    Sorry if my comment is convoluted. What I'm trying to say is that "the grass is always greener on the other side." The best way to be happy is to let your relationship move forward at your own pace. As for your proposal, your sister has had her engagement moment, and there's nothing saying you can't have yours now. Her FI didn't wait to propose after knowing your boyfriend asked your parents for permission, and your boyfriend doesn't have to wait to propose now either.
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    OurWildKingdom
  • I agree with everything @kimmiinthemitten said. 

    But also, I have a sister. She was with her then BF (now H) for a year or two longer than I was with my H. We got engaged 6 months before them. She was genuinely happy for me. No resentment, no jealousy. Just happy. We have our fights and issues but me being engaged had no bearing or influence on when or what was right for her relationship. I just don't get the argument that jealousy is a natural reaction to someone else's happiness or big life event. 
    kimmiinthemittenOurWildKingdomcowgirl8238eileenrob
  • It's like being mad that your sister got pregnant two days after you announced you stopped your BC.
    This is so well put.
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    kimmiinthemittenOurWildKingdomcowgirl8238TheDeathLlama
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited January 8
    Hi everyone!

    I am a 28 year old woman with a problem. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a 1 1/2 years and he moved in last May. The relationship overall has moved pretty fast. I told him I did not want him moving in without an engagement in the near future and since that is not happening, I have been very upset. My family is aware of the situation.

    Over Christmas, even though my boyfriend has not purchased a ring, he asked my parents for permission to propose. We live across the country, so he might not get a chance to ask in-person for awhile. This was a very big step, and my family was very excited. Literally 4 hours after that, my sister's boyfriend asked, then he proposed 2 days later.

    This whole situation has made me very upset for a number of reasons.

    1-my boyfriend asked first. my sister's boyfriend made no consideration of that, and now we will have to wai to get engaged to not "overshadow" her moment. I also feel like I will never get my moment(s), since my sister will have had all of hers first.

    2-my mom told me "well, your sister is engaged because her boyfriend could afford a ring and yours cant". while my boyfriend is saving for a ring, my sister told me that her boyfriend is actually making payments on the ring he proposed to her with. even worse, my sister told her boyfriend that he could not propose until he had paid fully for it. well he did anyway.

    3-No one in my family has been sympathetic to me, or will admit that my feelings should be hurt. I have been crying every day I am so upset and stressed. My sister was angry over Christmas about her boyfriend doing something (before the engagement) and my mom and dad literally left me at my grandmother's house and took her home to console her. Her feelings always seem to be a priority over mine.

    Another problem is that my mother is under some odd impression that I do not want a wedding. She called me and said "You are just planning on getting married at the courthouse, right?" while calling my sister bugging her about wedding plans. My mother has been extremely involved in all of her friend's daughter's wedding planning as well. After the engagement that's all my mom would talk about and instead of being like "its ok, don't worry" I got a "well.. i guess you're next".

    At first, I was happy for my sister. Our boyfriends get along very well. But, as reality sunk in, I got very depressed and realized that this situation is kind of shitty. I feel like my wedding/engagement will never be special because my sister beat me to it. My sister has always been more successful than me and this stings. I have tried talking to her about my feelings (not in a confrontational way) and she literally told me "I just didn't think you were traditional or were ever going to get married".. what?! I've never said that.

    Have any of you been through this or have any advice on how to cope?
    Your sister's engagement and wedding plans have absolutely NOTHING to do with yours.  The sooner you get that through your head, the happier you will be.

    You do not need to have a ring to be engaged to be married.  All you need is for your boyfriend to propose to you.  Lots of brides never get engagement rings.

    After your boyfriend actually does propose to you, start planning your own wedding.  Do not compare it to anyone else's wedding, and do not ask anyone for money to pay for it.  If your parents do offer, then it is OK to accept the money, but beware of strings attached.

    The jealousy you are displaying towards you sister is not very attractive.  Grow up, and wish your sister happiness for her future.


    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29OurWildKingdomcowgirl8238downtondiva
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    member
    redoryx said:
    TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. 

    That's how you "cope." The two of you, it sounds like, had an understanding that if you were going to move in together there should be an engagement coming soon. But seven months later and, what, you're just hanging out hoping he proposes soon? TALK TO HIM. Ask him. Also, if you're in agreement that you're getting married you don't actually have to wait for any kind of formal proposal or ring. Just have a conversation and communicate with him about your future and any kind of timeline he has in mind. If you're worried about it ruining any kind of "surprise," you might want to rethink why the proposal part means so much versus, y'know, the marriage and spending the rest of your life with him part. 

    But getting pissed at your sister for something that is not her fault and not worth getting mad about is just redirecting your frustration about your relationship. Because, seriously? "My family is aware of the situation" makes it sound like something a lot worse than "My boyfriend didn't propose when I wanted him to." 

    redoryx
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I can't... what?

    People get days, not seasons. Would it be shitty for your boyfriend to propose before your family ten seconds after your sister announced their engagement to everyone? Yes. Would it be shitty for him to propose in the middle of her bridal shower? Yes. Would it be shitty for him to propose at their wedding reception? Yes. The reverse would also be true. But "moments" are just that. You are allowed to get engaged on whatever timeline works for you, and the same is true for her.

    For the sake of family that would have to travel for weddings, you might want to consider not having the two weddings on consecutive weekends, but that's purely logistical - no one had "thunder" to be stolen, and your sister wouldn't be rude to do it. My two BILs got married within two months of each other 6 years ago, the girls even had a joint shower, and everyone was fine. It sounds like you're just not happy with your own timeline.

    Anniversary

    OurWildKingdom
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Since OP clearly isn't coming back I'd like to utilize @flantastic's post to spin off on a P&P Gif.

    What we want OP to say:



    What she'll actually say:




    image
    SP29Knottie1452098987
  • Hi everyone!

    I am a 28 year old woman with a problem. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a 1 1/2 years and he moved in last May. The relationship overall has moved pretty fast. I told him I did not want him moving in without an engagement in the near future and since that is not happening, I have been very upset.  Have you spoken to your BF about this?  My family is aware of the situation. What is there to be aware of?

    Over Christmas, even though my boyfriend has not purchased a ring, he asked my parents for permission to propose. We live across the country, so he might not get a chance to ask in-person for awhile. This was a very big step, and my family was very excited.  Congrats, your BF is planning to pop the question soon! Literally 4 hours after that, my sister's boyfriend asked, then he proposed 2 days later. So what?  People can get engaged whenever they want.  I know four people who have been engaged on Christmas Day!

    This whole situation has made me very upset for a number of reasons. You can feel a little bummed maybe, but this shouldn't be too upsetting!

    1-my boyfriend asked first. my sister's boyfriend made no consideration of that, and now we will have to wai to get engaged to not "overshadow" her moment.  Everyone gets a day! You do not have to wait until after her wedding for your engagement. I also feel like I will never get my moment(s), since my sister will have had all of hers first. Again who cares?  Just because your sister got engaged first won't make your engagement any less special to you.  If it does you have a more serious issue here.

    2-my mom told me "well, your sister is engaged because her boyfriend could afford a ring and yours cant". This is none of her, or your, business.  Affordability is between the couple ONLY!  while my boyfriend is saving for a ring, my sister told me that her boyfriend is actually making payments on the ring he proposed to her with. even worse, my sister told her boyfriend that he could not propose until he had paid fully for it. well he did anyway. Again this is nothing.  This is between Sister and her FI.

    3-No one in my family has been sympathetic to me, or will admit that my feelings should be hurt. That's because you should be happy for your sister.  I understand that sting when you want to be engaged and someone else "beats you to it".  I'm not saying you can't be a little bummed but it does you no good.  It will only strain your relationship with everyone if you carry around a constant jealousy/dislike because someone chose to do something before you.  I have been crying every day I am so upset and stressed. My sister was angry over Christmas about her boyfriend doing something (before the engagement) and my mom and dad literally left me at my grandmother's house and took her home to console her. That's a little extreme.  Her feelings always seem to be a priority over mine.  Is this really true?  Have her feelings ALWAYS been a priority?  This sounds like jealousy speaking.

    Another problem is that my mother is under some odd impression that I do not want a wedding. Possibly a misconception on her part.  Simply correct her next time!  She called me and said "You are just planning on getting married at the courthouse, right?" while calling my sister bugging her about wedding plans. My mother has been extremely involved in all of her friend's daughter's wedding planning as well. After the engagement that's all my mom would talk about and instead of being like "its ok, don't worry" I got a "well.. i guess you're next".  It sounds like mom enjoys wedding planning.  Once you correct her see if this changes.  If it doesn't than that sucks, come back here and vent to us about it.

    At first, I was happy for my sister. Our boyfriends get along very well. But, as reality sunk in, I got very depressed and realized that this situation is kind of shitty.  Why is this shitty?  Your Sister is getting married to someone who you obviously like.  You are likely to be getting married soon too since your BF asked for permission from your family.  This should be a joyous occasion. I feel like my wedding/engagement will never be special because my sister beat me to it. This is completely not true.  This happens to people all the time and they are no more or less married.  My sister has always been more successful than me and this stings. Again with this...is she really ALWAYS more successful?  I have tried talking to her about my feelings (not in a confrontational way) and she literally told me "I just didn't think you were traditional or were ever going to get married".. what?! I've never said that. Maybe you didn't make it clear that you were more traditional?  Again, just a simple correction is needed.

    Have any of you been through this or have any advice on how to cope?

    My comments and thoughts are bolded above.  OP, I am not asking you to answer every single question right now...but I do think you should consider these questions at some point.  Right now, I think there you are jealous of your sister.  The way you say she is always favored, or always better than you, are some good indications of this.  I think you need to take some time and determine what exactly is making you unhappy.

    Is it the fact that your BF hasn't proposed yet?

    Is it the fact that you feel your "little" sister is stealing all your thunder?

    Is it something else entirely?

    None of those are death sentences, but rather a place to start.  I think you need to do a little soul searching.  Take some time to calm your mind and ask these questions.  It will not only help you out, but will help with your relationships with everyone else.  No one can communicate effectively when they don't know what is wrong in the first place.

    Its also probably a good idea to remember now that no one will be excited about your wedding day as you and your FI, and that weddings won't change people.  Good luck!

    geebee908OurWildKingdomSP29
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
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     I said I have my timeline and she has hers. I should not have to speed up my timeline and she should not have to slow down hers to accommodate arbitrary timeline "rules." 
    This is what came to mind here:

    "Are any of your younger sisters out, Miss Bennet?''
    "Yes, Ma'am, all.''
    "All! - What, all five out at once? Very odd! And you only the second. The younger ones out before the elder are married! Your younger sisters must be very young?''
    "Yes, my youngest is not sixteen. Perhaps she is full young to be much in company. But really, Ma'am, I think it would be very hard upon younger sisters, that they should not have their share of society and amusement because the elder may not have the means or inclination to marry early. The last born has as good a right to the pleasures of youth, as the first. And to be kept back on such a motive! I think it would not be very likely to promote sisterly affection or delicacy of mind.''
    I love this! And it brings up an excellent point. The OP is talking about how the younger sister should have waited for OP's boyfriend to propose. And typically when posts about this whole order thing come up, it's an OP complaining that someone else is not following the order. By that same logic, OP is not following the order. If OP wants the order followed, then she should hurry up and get engaged and married. Everyone would say that it's stupid to hurry up and get engaged or have kids or whatever when you're not ready just to keep to an order, but I think it's just as illogical and silly to ask someone to wait as it to ask someone to hurry up. 

    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueenscowgirl8238SP29
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I think OP lied about her age.  She sounds like she is 12, not 28.  


    image

  • By the way, you're only 28 and 1.5 years together isn't very long. I don't know where pressure to be married is coming from, but believe me, you have nothing to worry about. You're not an old maid. 
    Um, I second this. 1.5 years together, regardless of your age, isn't very long. If you BOTH really feel the time is right, that's one thing. But you're not in a dire situation of sorts, OP. 
    OurWildKingdommandypants90
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