Destination Wedding and Wedding Shower

Knottie1446494546

I am having a destination wedding with only immediate family - first cousins, aunt/uncles, grandparents. Only 1 set of friends is invited and its because they are in the wedding. I still want to celebrate with my friends and large family at home and people are excited about planning a nice wedding brunch/shower. I am registered for gifts, but absolutely do not expect people to purchase gifts if they are not immediate family. 

What is the best way to have a bridal shower to celebrate with friends/family and make it clear that a gift is not necessary since we are having a small destination wedding? I have heard you can send invitations without any mention of a registry, and only provide registry information if they ask. 

Are there any other ways to do this? 

geebee908

Knottie1446494546 said:

I am having a destination wedding with only immediate family - first cousins, aunt/uncles, grandparents. Only 1 set of friends is invited and its because they are in the wedding. I still want to celebrate with my friends and large family at home and people are excited about planning a nice wedding brunch/shower. I am registered for gifts, but absolutely do not expect people to purchase gifts if they are not immediate family. 

What is the best way to have a bridal shower to celebrate with friends/family and make it clear that a gift is not necessary since we are having a small destination wedding? I have heard you can send invitations without any mention of a registry, and only provide registry information if they ask. 

Are there any other ways to do this? 

A shower is a gift-giving event and it's rude to invite anyone who hasn't been invited to your wedding to your shower. You can't tell people not to bring gifts. If it's your family that really wants to host a celebration of some sort and has offered this party, you should do what you can to have it after the wedding has taken place and frame it as a party to meet/greet the newlyweds.

Knottie1446494546

See the issue is that we are moving 15 hours away immediately after the wedding, and my fiancé is already in that location now. So we cannot have a post wedding celebration.

geebee908

Knottie1446494546 said:

See the issue is that we are moving 15 hours away immediately after the wedding, and my fiancé is already in that location now. So we cannot have a post wedding celebration.

You have to own your decision to have a small DW then. It would be rude to have any pre-wedding parties with attendees who aren't invited to the wedding. You need to decline the offer of the party/shower.

LondonLisa

You can only have a shower with people invited to your wedding. Although asking people to travel, get you a gift, and a shower gift seems a bit much. Only people invited to the actual DW can be invited to any pre-wedding party. 

When choose to have an intimate DW, you forgo a lot of the traditional things, like large pre wedding parties (bridal brunches, showers etc). You could have celebrated with these friends and family but you chose otherwise. That's fine, but you have to be adult about that decision and own it. 

Knottie1446494546

Great thanks for your defensive answer for no reason! 

kahluakoala

I tend to be a little looser on ettiquette here, but this would not bother me if it was just a "Bridal Brunch" and not specifically branded as a "shower". Many people attending will probably be disapointed that you chose not include them in your wedding, however.

geebee908

Knottie1446494546 said:

Great thanks for your defensive answer for no reason! 

Just being straight with you, not defensive. Your choice comes with some consequences, which means you don't get to celebrate your marriage with a larger group of people. You could also plan a party to get together with your loved ones at any time you're back in the area visiting; it just shouldn't have anything to do with your wedding beyond maybe having your wedding pictures available for people to look at.

Ro041

Knottie1446494546 said:

Great thanks for your defensive answer for no reason! 

I don't see a defensive answer in the bunch...

As to your original question - the PPs are right.  You should not have a shower and invite people who are not going to the wedding.  It is poor etiquette.  You should politely decline any requests for pre-wedding parties.

As an aside, I am having a large(r) wedding and have politely declined all pre-wedding parties because they are not my thing.  I do not want to bridal shower, wedding shower, or any other "showers."  

glasgowtolondon

If you must, do the bruch or lunch or tea. Just don't use the word shower anywhere, even verbally, and don't mention gifts to anyone. I can't even imagine being invited to a shower - an event which only exists to give you gifts - when I wasn't even invited to the wedding itself. So gift grabby.

levioosa

The most you could do is a luncheon or tea, which is not supposed to be a gift giving event.  When you decided to do a small DW you passed on any gift giving events like a shower.  

short+sassy

glasgowtolondon said:

If you must, do the bruch or lunch or tea. Just don't use the word shower anywhere, even verbally, and don't mention gifts to anyone. I can't even imagine being invited to a shower - an event which only exists to give you gifts - when I wasn't even invited to the wedding itself. So gift grabby.

OP, I hear what you're saying.  You want to get together with friends and more extended family and some of those folks have offered to throw a party.  That's great!  The only thing off with it is the wording.

The word "shower" in bridal shower literally means showering the couple with gifts.  That is not appropriate because it is an event related to the wedding.  A wedding most of these guests aren't invited to.

Since you are moving 15 hours away from the area shortly after the DW, I'd suggest your host(s) call it a Bon Voyage party instead.  Not that it necessarily has to have a name, but they can describe it as "KnottieNos. is moving to X place in two months to be with KnottieNos. FI.  We're throwing a shindig so she has a chance to see everyone before she moves."

LondonLisa

short+sassy said:

glasgowtolondon said:

If you must, do the bruch or lunch or tea. Just don't use the word shower anywhere, even verbally, and don't mention gifts to anyone. I can't even imagine being invited to a shower - an event which only exists to give you gifts - when I wasn't even invited to the wedding itself. So gift grabby.

OP, I hear what you're saying.  You want to get together with friends and more extended family and some of those folks have offered to throw a party.  That's great!  The only thing off with it is the wording.

The word "shower" in bridal shower literally means showering the couple with gifts.  That is not appropriate because it is an event related to the wedding.  A wedding most of these guests aren't invited to.

Since you are moving 15 hours away from the area shortly after the DW, I'd suggest your host(s) call it a Bon Voyage party instead.  Not that it necessarily has to have a name, but they can describe it as "KnottieNos. is moving to X place in two months to be with KnottieNos. FI.  We're throwing a shindig so she has a chance to see everyone before she moves."

I agree- take the wedding out if this. You are free to throw a party, but if people aren't invited to the actual wedding, it shouldn't be a 'bridal tea' or 'wedding brunch' but rather a leaving party for you. 

Ro041

Knottie1446494546 said:

See the issue is that we are moving 15 hours away immediately after the wedding, and my fiancé is already in that location now. So we cannot have a post wedding celebration.

What do you mean by "15 hours away immediately after the wedding"?  Does that mean 15 hours by car or by plane?  How fast is immediately?

ei34

Ditto the farewell party.  A bridal shower would be inappropriate since you can't have a gift giving event for people not invited to the wedding, and a bridal tea is also inappropriate for anyone not invited  to your wedding, as any pre-wedding party would be (gifts or not).  A bon voyage/farewell completely unrelated to your wedding is fine though, since as you said what you want is to see everyone a final time.

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree that a farewell party is the best way to go! Also concur with not inviting people to a shower that aren't invited to the wedding.

CMGragain

Knottie1446494546 said:

I am having a destination wedding with only immediate family - first cousins, aunt/uncles, grandparents. Only 1 set of friends is invited and its because they are in the wedding. I still want to celebrate with my friends and large family at home and people are excited about planning a nice wedding brunch/shower. I am registered for gifts, but absolutely do not expect people to purchase gifts if they are not immediate family. 

What is the best way to have a bridal shower to celebrate with friends/family and make it clear that a gift is not necessary since we are having a small destination wedding? I have heard you can send invitations without any mention of a registry, and only provide registry information if they ask. 

Are there any other ways to do this? 

First, "immediate family only" does not included cousins or aunts/uncles.  If you want to invite them, that is fine, but do not tell people that you are having an immediate family only wedding, because you are not.

The etiquette for having a destination wedding is no different from the etiquette for having a wedding at home.  The rules are the same.

A bridal shower is a gift giving occasion.  It is given FOR you by other people.  Many brides do not have them at all.  My daughter did not because no one volunteered to throw one for her. She really didn't expect one.  The hard and fast rule for a bridal shower is that everyone who is invited to the shower party MUST also be invited to the wedding.  No exceptions.

To plan your own bridal shower would be completely rude.  This is not an etiquette secret.  It is a very well known rule of behavior.  Bridal showers are held before the wedding day, not after it.

Never, ever mention a registry on ANY wedding invitation!  Horribly rude and greedy sounding!  You may put your registry information on your website, but you may not advertise it yourself.  If you do have a bridal shower given for you, remember, it can only be the people invited to the wedding.  Your registry may be written on a shower invitation, but this is the ONLY place, and only wedding guests can be invited to a shower.

What you may do is to have a nice party for friends after your wedding day.  It cannot be a shower.  It is not a part of your wedding, either.  You get ONE DAY.  No running around in your wedding dress and pretending to be a bride.  (Yes, a few ladies think they can do this and not get side-eyed by their friends who have better manners.)  A nice cook out would be fun, and you could show some of your wedding and honeymoon photos.

If you want to have a larger guest list, then, by all means, have a bigger wedding, but do not offer people a consolation celebration later and try to make it a part of your wedding day, because it won't be.

I am curious.  Why do you want to have a destination wedding?  They work best for couples with very small families.  It sounds like you have a larger family because you have posted on other boards about flower girl dresses, etc.  No rules against flower girls at a DW, but they work best of they are kept small. 

I hope I have helped you.