Stop making marriage the goal?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 
I’m a 28 year-old-female, and my life is like a romantic comedy—except I’m the red herring, not the romantic lead. Every guy I have ever been out with even once with has married the next girl they date after me. My record time is one week between my date with a guy and his proposal to another woman (seriously). At first it was a joke, but now that it’s happened 17 times, I get a lot of grief about it—and it’s not funny anymore. I’ve started to let it deter me from taking chances and meeting people. How do I let go off this superstitious baggage?

DrillSergeantCat

It's been a long time since I've seen it, but go watch Good Luck Chuck with Dane Cook and see what he did. 

Funny story, a friend of mine's ex-wife dated a few men who were separated from their wives. One had even filed for divorce already. These guys dated her for a short amount of time and all went running back to their wives. I guess her brand of crazy scared them. 

bleve0821

I guess my question is why, after whatever relationship LW has with these people ends, is LW still so attuned to the goings-on in her exes lives?  It is a weird series of coincidences (and I get the sense that 1-week-to-proposal dude was already seeing the girl he proposed to while he was "dating" LW), but I find it even weirder that LW knows that all 17 of them married THE NEXT GIRL who came along.  I guess it's possible she has maintained a friendship with her exes, but even the guys she went out on a single date with?  Really?

OliveOilsMom

Ditto Atomic in that LW is very versed in how the ex's dating adventures go.  I mean, does she need to stay friends with all 17 of her exes?  And the dude that proposed a week after he dumped LW?  There has to be much more to that story.

I think LW needs to just let go of all her exes and focus on the future.  Don't worry about what happens after you end a relationship.  Just focus on any healing you need for yourself and moving on.

SaintPaulGal

Yeah, I'm calling bullshit on this one.  It seems...well, "implausible" would be an understatement...that she would know the relationship status of every single one of the 17 men she had even one date with.  Maybe she facebook stalked them and found out that they are all married now, but how could she possibly know that it was the very next person they met in all cases?  I'm not buying it.

But since every letter is basically a hypothetical anyway--a person in that situation really has no other choice than to just get over it.  Have fun meeting and dating new people, and if it ends who cares what sort of relationships the ex decides to pursue next.

short+sassy

I'm also calling b.s.  A lot of "off" things going on.

But, to take her letter at face value, she is looking at this all wrong.  This is a business opportunity.  She should prepare her evidence/proof of these magical powers she has, put it into a brochure, and then charge men an exorbitant match making fee.

They date her=The next woman is Mrs. Right.  Are you kidding me?  Well-heeled men would pay thousands for finding the right woman...even if she is the "next" woman.  There's gold in her powers and she needs to take advantage.

MissKittyDanger

This sounds very similar to the female version of "Good Luck Chuck" 

kahluakoala

One time I went on a few dates with a guy I had just met at a bar - the first date was good, the second was mediocre, and the third was bad and I just realized there was no relationship potential so I decided to stop seeing him. He had spoken a few times about his "Friend Alice" (not her real name) and would mention her once in a while like, "Oh my friend Alice recommended X restaurant we should check it out" or whatever, nothing too alarming. I had noted it but wasn't concerned or anything. He asked me out for date 4 and I told him something along the lines of "No thanks I'm just not feeling a connection" or something like that and two weeks later I saw on instagram that he was engaged to Alice.

Obviously there was so much more to that story, and I'm just glad I dodged a bullet there! Sometimes weird situations like this happen, but I think it's a lot more a result of this guy being kind of swarmy than my magical engagement powers ;-)

bleve0821

KahluaKoala said:

One time I went on a few dates with a guy I had just met at a bar - the first date was good, the second was mediocre, and the third was bad and I just realized there was no relationship potential so I decided to stop seeing him. He had spoken a few times about his "Friend Alice" (not her real name) and would mention her once in a while like, "Oh my friend Alice recommended X restaurant we should check it out" or whatever, nothing too alarming. I had noted it but wasn't concerned or anything. He asked me out for date 4 and I told him something along the lines of "No thanks I'm just not feeling a connection" or something like that and two weeks later I saw on instagram that he was engaged to Alice.

Obviously there was so much more to that story, and I'm just glad I dodged a bullet there! Sometimes weird situations like this happen, but I think it's a lot more a result of this guy being kind of swarmy than my magical engagement powers ;-)

I knew a girl who did that.  She broke up with her on-again-off-again BF, went out on first dates with two guys, and a week later when OAOA-BF proposed, she accepted.

As far as I know, they're still married.

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

short+sassy

KahluaKoala said:

One time I went on a few dates with a guy I had just met at a bar - the first date was good, the second was mediocre, and the third was bad and I just realized there was no relationship potential so I decided to stop seeing him. He had spoken a few times about his "Friend Alice" (not her real name) and would mention her once in a while like, "Oh my friend Alice recommended X restaurant we should check it out" or whatever, nothing too alarming. I had noted it but wasn't concerned or anything. He asked me out for date 4 and I told him something along the lines of "No thanks I'm just not feeling a connection" or something like that and two weeks later I saw on instagram that he was engaged to Alice.

Obviously there was so much more to that story, and I'm just glad I dodged a bullet there! Sometimes weird situations like this happen, but I think it's a lot more a result of this guy being kind of swarmy than my magical engagement powers ;-)

Most definitely.  For LW's story about the one date and then he was engaged one week later.  Oh...honey...do you really not see what was going on there?  He was already going to propose to his GIRLFRIEND.  The fact that he went out on one date with you in the meantime is irrelevant and just makes him a cheater.

*Barbie*

Ok, Kate Hudson. 

TrixieJess

KahluaKoala said:

One time I went on a few dates with a guy I had just met at a bar - the first date was good, the second was mediocre, and the third was bad and I just realized there was no relationship potential so I decided to stop seeing him. He had spoken a few times about his "Friend Alice" (not her real name) and would mention her once in a while like, "Oh my friend Alice recommended X restaurant we should check it out" or whatever, nothing too alarming. I had noted it but wasn't concerned or anything. He asked me out for date 4 and I told him something along the lines of "No thanks I'm just not feeling a connection" or something like that and two weeks later I saw on instagram that he was engaged to Alice.

Obviously there was so much more to that story, and I'm just glad I dodged a bullet there! Sometimes weird situations like this happen, but I think it's a lot more a result of this guy being kind of swarmy than my magical engagement powers ;-)

My ex-Manager wanted to fix me up with one of her friends and she was telling me about him and how great he was and all these things. When she was done, I turned to her and said, "why don't you go out with him?" She obviously had feelings for him in the way that she was talking so effusively about him. Fast forward two years and they were married. It's amazing, that sometimes people just don't realize their own feelings until they're pointed out to them. 

kahluakoala

So I feel like one of a few things could be happening:

1.) He was with her all along and was looking to cheat on her with me and likely continues to cheat on her.
2.) He was in some kind of on/off thing with her, went on a few dates with me during an "off" period and then realized the error of his ways and got back with her and proposed
3.) He really was just friends with her but was in love with her all along and then when they realized their feelings for eachother instantly decided to get married

Either way, it was abundantly clear that this was not the guy for me because I wouldn't want a partner who was either unfaithful or so impulsive. I guess I hope they're happy and it works for them, but I don't really care. I felt no impulse or desire to rock the boat or warn her or anything.

Interestingly enough, this woman was from an area very close to my hometown (I now live about 3000 miles from where I grew up so this is not an every day occurrence) and one of the things he mentioned was "Oh I have a friend who's from that area" and I said something along the lines of "Oh cool I'd like to meet her" and he was like, "Nah, not a good idea". I didn't think all that much of it at the time but when I saw he got engaged to her I was like, "OH that's why!" Then I saw that they actually got married IN MY HOMETOWN at a hotel a few blocks from my parents home. I'm not a superstitious person, but that was a venue I likely would have considered (not engaged yet but it's a gorgeous hotel) but now it's OUT. No way will I get married there. Sometimes the world is just weird.

kimmiinthemitten

I was Good Luck Chuck in my twenties.

My bf at 24 broke up with me to date someone else. Their married with kids. 

My bf from 25-29 was never remarrying amongst other things. Got married the following year. 

My rebound bf was engaged to the girl he met shortly after me (last I heard). 

My BF at 30 turned out to never have gotten divorced, even though his wife and son was living with her boyfriend for years. I guess that kinda counts. 

They are exes for a reason; she dodged a bullet, she didn't propel them intro matrimony.