Grooms father and Brides mother

Jaime6166

Alright so to my dismay. My FI wants to have his Father walk my Mother down the aisle before the bridesmaids etc.  Here is why my stepdad is walking me down with my son. My father has passed so has his mother. So instead of my mother coming down the aisle before us all by herself he wanted his dad as an escort. Something about the joining of the families etc. 
My problem is my mother cannot stand my FFIL, lets be honest i have my own issues with him as well. (long story separate conversation) I have yet to tell my mother or ask her if this will be an issue. He has already asked and told his dad that is what he wants. But what are the rules for etiquette on this? Is it ok? Odd? Just do not do it?  I get the reasoning why he wants to do this, and I admit while it is sweet it makes me uncomfortable. Because of my issues with my FFIl I just would rather nix that whole thing and move on.  

What is everyone's thoughts on this? 

cowgirl8238

Jaime6166 said:

Alright so to my dismay. My FI wants to have his Father walk my Mother down the aisle before the bridesmaids etc.  Here is why my stepdad is walking me down with my son. My father has passed so has his mother. So instead of my mother coming down the aisle before us all by herself he wanted his dad as an escort. Something about the joining of the families etc. 
My problem is my mother cannot stand my FFIL, lets be honest i have my own issues with him as well. (long story separate conversation) I have yet to tell my mother or ask her if this will be an issue. He has already asked and told his dad that is what he wants. But what are the rules for etiquette on this? Is it ok? Odd? Just do not do it?  I get the reasoning why he wants to do this, and I admit while it is sweet it makes me uncomfortable. Because of my issues with my FFIl I just would rather nix that whole thing and move on.  

What is everyone's thoughts on this? 

This makes no sense.  If your Mom and FFIL don't get along don't force it.  I would speak to your FI about the discomfort your mom feels over these plans.  I would think comfort > walking in with someone.  Is there a particular reason the FI or FFIL have about not wanting to walk alone? 

Is see a few options:
They can both walk separately and alone. 
They can each be escorted in with an GM/BM if they don't want to walk alone.  (You can have the GM/BM circle back to join the processional again if you need them more than once).
Can they walk with a grandparent or other important person?

STARMOON44

Etiquette wise it's perfectly fine. I think it's actually a really nice idea. It's on you to actually talk to your FI about your feelings on this. Does he know you can't stand his father? Do you have an alternative to suggest?

southernbelle0915

Jaime6166 said:

Alright so to my dismay. My FI wants to have his Father walk my Mother down the aisle before the bridesmaids etc.  Here is why my stepdad is walking me down with my son. My father has passed so has his mother. So instead of my mother coming down the aisle before us all by herself he wanted his dad as an escort. Something about the joining of the families etc. 
My problem is my mother cannot stand my FFIL, lets be honest i have my own issues with him as well. (long story separate conversation) I have yet to tell my mother or ask her if this will be an issue. He has already asked and told his dad that is what he wants. But what are the rules for etiquette on this? Is it ok? Odd? Just do not do it?  I get the reasoning why he wants to do this, and I admit while it is sweet it makes me uncomfortable. Because of my issues with my FFIl I just would rather nix that whole thing and move on.  

What is everyone's thoughts on this? 

There are no etiquette rules saying "yes this is fine" or "no this is not fine". The MOB can be escorted by whoever, or she can walk alone. Traditionally though, she walks with a male member of HER OWN family (her brother, an uncle, her son, whatever).

But to the first bolded, this is really the only thing that matters. If she can't stand the guy, why make her process during an event where she wants to be happy and focus on her daughter. Makes no sense.

To the second bolded, this is a good first lesson for your FI in communicating with YOU before he goes off and makes plans for other people. You can just tell him "sorry, but my mom will be _____(walking alone, escorted by her brother, etc.)." You don't even have to address the issue of the FFIL. 

ei34

Jaime6166 said:

Alright so to my dismay. My FI wants to have his Father walk my Mother down the aisle before the bridesmaids etc.  Here is why my stepdad is walking me down with my son. My father has passed so has his mother. So instead of my mother coming down the aisle before us all by herself he wanted his dad as an escort. Something about the joining of the families etc. 
My problem is my mother cannot stand my FFIL, lets be honest i have my own issues with him as well. (long story separate conversation) I have yet to tell my mother or ask her if this will be an issue. He has already asked and told his dad that is what he wants. But what are the rules for etiquette on this? Is it ok? Odd? Just do not do it?  I get the reasoning why he wants to do this, and I admit while it is sweet it makes me uncomfortable. Because of my issues with my FFIl I just would rather nix that whole thing and move on.  

What is everyone's thoughts on this? 

My biggest problem is that your FI went ahead with a plan you didn't like.  Both in wedding planning and in life, you two should be on the same page before involving others.

As far as the plan itself, I wouldn't do it.  Your mother's comfort is more important than the symbolism of joining families.  (You and FI getting marriage covers the union aspect.)  Perhaps your parents could each be escorted in by siblings? If they're WP members they could double back around to process in again, or that could just be their entrance too.

That said, as a wedding guest the only thing that bothers me about processions into a ceremony is if there are tons of people and it takes a long time.  A FOG and a MOB can certainly walk in together if they're both on board.

Jaime6166

My mother's issues with my FFIL stem from my own.  Which is a mess to say the least. We are getting married in October this year. Still far enough but close enough to make me nervous.  Truth be told when I met my Fiance his father and him lived together in a house. Mind you down payment paid by my fiance.(funds from malpractice suit from the death of his mother) His father and his name both on the house.  My Fi will never leave that house. So fast forward we meet fall in love move in together IN THAT HOUSE! With his father still living there. Fine. Now 5 yrs later that is still the living arrangement. FI doesnt want to move nor come out and tell his father he needs to move. But we have made it clear we are getting married things are changing. WE have discussed briefly no big details of what life will be after the wedding. 

His Father is a jerk most of the time. I stand up to him or my FI does for me. That is why my mother does not like him, because of how he treats me. (acts like he is entitled and i should clean up after him.) Trust me there are other issues with the living sitation. It makes it hard, and has almost made me reconsider getting married. But I love my FI and I do want to marry him. But I do not want to start our married lives off still living like this.  

So that is why i haven't even brought it up to my mother. She has no idea my FI wants to do this. She most likely would, because she loves my FI. But I know i dont like it, and if I feel that way I am sure her reaction will be the same.  

Truth be told if i could have this wedding without including his father i really would. (FI took after his mother obviously, and that is why i love him. FFIL and him are nothing alike complete polar opposites)

I agree with the options presented, but I am torn it is hard to have this conversation. With either my mother or my FI I will come off harsh and bitchy to the FI and i know it. UGH FML. 

Jaime6166

Does he know you can't stand his father? Do you have an alternative to suggest?
To be clear my mother cannot stand his father. I tolerate him because i have to. My FI has issues with him at times too, please understand it is not just me. If you see my other post you can understand why i have issues. I do not have an alternative really. Aside from his father can walk in with him. Then ill have my brother escort my mother or something. 

This is a small wedding not very large. His family side is limited alot of deaths in his family.  Mine similar so it has been hard on us just planning a guest list. Let alone about to get married without my father or his mother. I am a mess about all of this i swear. 

southernbelle0915

Jaime6166 said:

My mother's issues with my FFIL stem from my own.  Which is a mess to say the least. We are getting married in October this year. Still far enough but close enough to make me nervous.  Truth be told when I met my Fiance his father and him lived together in a house. Mind you down payment paid by my fiance.(funds from malpractice suit from the death of his mother) His father and his name both on the house.  My Fi will never leave that house. So fast forward we meet fall in love move in together IN THAT HOUSE! With his father still living there. Fine. Now 5 yrs later that is still the living arrangement. FI doesnt want to move nor come out and tell his father he needs to move. But we have made it clear we are getting married things are changing. WE have discussed briefly no big details of what life will be after the wedding. 

His Father is a jerk most of the time. I stand up to him or my FI does for me. That is why my mother does not like him, because of how he treats me. (acts like he is entitled and i should clean up after him.) Trust me there are other issues with the living sitation. It makes it hard, and has almost made me reconsider getting married. But I love my FI and I do want to marry him. But I do not want to start our married lives off still living like this.  

So that is why i haven't even brought it up to my mother. She has no idea my FI wants to do this. She most likely would, because she loves my FI. But I know i dont like it, and if I feel that way I am sure her reaction will be the same.  

Truth be told if i could have this wedding without including his father i really would. (FI took after his mother obviously, and that is why i love him. FFIL and him are nothing alike complete polar opposites)

I agree with the options presented, but I am torn it is hard to have this conversation. With either my mother or my FI I will come off harsh and bitchy to the FI and i know it. UGH FML. 

I would move out. Sounds like FFIL treats you like a maid and your FI has "stood up for you" but obviously allowed this to continue for 5 years without taking any concrete action.

Let your FI figure out the legal issues with the house - either FFIL buys him out or he cuts his losses. You aren't married yet, so this isn't your legal battle. If your FI wants to start a life with YOU (excluding your third wheel), he will work it out and follow you. JMO, though. 

Jaime6166

eileenrob said:

Jaime6166 said:

Alright so to my dismay. My FI wants to have his Father walk my Mother down the aisle before the bridesmaids etc.  Here is why my stepdad is walking me down with my son. My father has passed so has his mother. So instead of my mother coming down the aisle before us all by herself he wanted his dad as an escort. Something about the joining of the families etc. 
My problem is my mother cannot stand my FFIL, lets be honest i have my own issues with him as well. (long story separate conversation) I have yet to tell my mother or ask her if this will be an issue. He has already asked and told his dad that is what he wants. But what are the rules for etiquette on this? Is it ok? Odd? Just do not do it?  I get the reasoning why he wants to do this, and I admit while it is sweet it makes me uncomfortable. Because of my issues with my FFIl I just would rather nix that whole thing and move on.  

What is everyone's thoughts on this? 

My biggest problem is that your FI went ahead with a plan you didn't like.  Both in wedding planning and in life, you two should be on the same page before involving others.

As far as the plan itself, I wouldn't do it.  Your mother's comfort is more important than the symbolism of joining families.  (You and FI getting marriage covers the union aspect.)  Perhaps your parents could each be escorted in by siblings? If they're WP members they could double back around to process in again, or that could just be their entrance too.

That said, as a wedding guest the only thing that bothers me about processions into a ceremony is if there are tons of people and it takes a long time.  A FOG and a MOB can certainly walk in together if they're both on board.

I agree that he shouldn't have done that. But he didn't know I didn't like the idea, because when he brought it up i just said "maybe it could work". When really in my head I was screaming.  That is my fault for not communicating my issues, but it is a touchy subject. I do not want to tell my FI "Look be happy your dad is invited after all the shit he has done to us" NO! My FI has been involved in all of the plans from minute one. So its my fault. I just need opinions on where to go from here. 

STARMOON44

Move out. Don't get married. He doesn't care about your feelings about your living arrangements and never will, as he has made abundantly clear to you for five years by doing nothing about this. 

southernbelle0915

Also...you have WAYYYYYYYY bigger issues than your processional. Jesus, you're talking about who walks with who for 50 feet when you're living with FFIL in a house where both FFIL and FI are on the title and FI has tens of thousands into it but FFIL won't pack up his shit.......Girl...the processional can be worked out the day before. 

Jaime6166

southernbelle0915 said:

Jaime6166 said:

My mother's issues with my FFIL stem from my own.  Which is a mess to say the least. We are getting married in October this year. Still far enough but close enough to make me nervous.  Truth be told when I met my Fiance his father and him lived together in a house. Mind you down payment paid by my fiance.(funds from malpractice suit from the death of his mother) His father and his name both on the house.  My Fi will never leave that house. So fast forward we meet fall in love move in together IN THAT HOUSE! With his father still living there. Fine. Now 5 yrs later that is still the living arrangement. FI doesnt want to move nor come out and tell his father he needs to move. But we have made it clear we are getting married things are changing. WE have discussed briefly no big details of what life will be after the wedding. 

His Father is a jerk most of the time. I stand up to him or my FI does for me. That is why my mother does not like him, because of how he treats me. (acts like he is entitled and i should clean up after him.) Trust me there are other issues with the living sitation. It makes it hard, and has almost made me reconsider getting married. But I love my FI and I do want to marry him. But I do not want to start our married lives off still living like this.  

So that is why i haven't even brought it up to my mother. She has no idea my FI wants to do this. She most likely would, because she loves my FI. But I know i dont like it, and if I feel that way I am sure her reaction will be the same.  

Truth be told if i could have this wedding without including his father i really would. (FI took after his mother obviously, and that is why i love him. FFIL and him are nothing alike complete polar opposites)

I agree with the options presented, but I am torn it is hard to have this conversation. With either my mother or my FI I will come off harsh and bitchy to the FI and i know it. UGH FML. 

I would move out. Sounds like FFIL treats you like a maid and your FI has "stood up for you" but obviously allowed this to continue for 5 years without taking any concrete action.

Let your FI figure out the legal issues with the house - either FFIL buys him out or he cuts his losses. You aren't married yet, so this isn't your legal battle. If your FI wants to start a life with YOU (excluding your third wheel), he will work it out and follow you. JMO, though. 

Because to him telling the only family he has left to just get out! Well that is a rough conversation. I have thought about moving out several times. But honestly it shouldn't be us to move. It should be his Dad. House is in FI name FFIL secondary. FI put the substantial down payment down. I love that house, and I have made it into our home.(from the bachelor pad it was).  But something has to give. 

southernbelle0915

Jaime6166 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Jaime6166 said:

My mother's issues with my FFIL stem from my own.  Which is a mess to say the least. We are getting married in October this year. Still far enough but close enough to make me nervous.  Truth be told when I met my Fiance his father and him lived together in a house. Mind you down payment paid by my fiance.(funds from malpractice suit from the death of his mother) His father and his name both on the house.  My Fi will never leave that house. So fast forward we meet fall in love move in together IN THAT HOUSE! With his father still living there. Fine. Now 5 yrs later that is still the living arrangement. FI doesnt want to move nor come out and tell his father he needs to move. But we have made it clear we are getting married things are changing. WE have discussed briefly no big details of what life will be after the wedding. 

His Father is a jerk most of the time. I stand up to him or my FI does for me. That is why my mother does not like him, because of how he treats me. (acts like he is entitled and i should clean up after him.) Trust me there are other issues with the living sitation. It makes it hard, and has almost made me reconsider getting married. But I love my FI and I do want to marry him. But I do not want to start our married lives off still living like this.  

So that is why i haven't even brought it up to my mother. She has no idea my FI wants to do this. She most likely would, because she loves my FI. But I know i dont like it, and if I feel that way I am sure her reaction will be the same.  

Truth be told if i could have this wedding without including his father i really would. (FI took after his mother obviously, and that is why i love him. FFIL and him are nothing alike complete polar opposites)

I agree with the options presented, but I am torn it is hard to have this conversation. With either my mother or my FI I will come off harsh and bitchy to the FI and i know it. UGH FML. 

I would move out. Sounds like FFIL treats you like a maid and your FI has "stood up for you" but obviously allowed this to continue for 5 years without taking any concrete action.

Let your FI figure out the legal issues with the house - either FFIL buys him out or he cuts his losses. You aren't married yet, so this isn't your legal battle. If your FI wants to start a life with YOU (excluding your third wheel), he will work it out and follow you. JMO, though. 

Because to him telling the only family he has left to just get out! Well that is a rough conversation. I have thought about moving out several times. But honestly it shouldn't be us to move. It should be his Dad. House is in FI name FFIL secondary. FI put the substantial down payment down. I love that house, and I have made it into our home.(from the bachelor pad it was).  But something has to give. 

I agree with you on everything. But it sounds like his dad has made himself clear that he's staying and your FI won't kick him out. So what option does that leave you? I can only see two: 1) keep living there...with FFIL or 2) move out.

Jaime6166

STARMOON44 said:

Move out. Don't get married. He doesn't care about your feelings about your living arrangements and never will, as he has made abundantly clear to you for five years by doing nothing about this. 

FI does care about my feelings and where I stand.  But I would never expect him to force me to make a decision regarding my family. Neither will I! I am not going to force him to do something rash.  He is consulting with an attorney on this to get that part figured out. But he is going to ask his dad to move out that is the conversation. He let it go this long, because there was about 6 months his dad was living with a GF. (all of his stuff still at the house though smdh) That didnt work out and he came back at thanksgiving. 

I will not force or ultimatmum him into making a decision about this. He is working on it, but it takes time. TRust me he knows that if the issues continue it is going to come out of my mouth, and nothing he can say or do will stop it. 

STARMOON44

Jaime6166 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Jaime6166 said:

My mother's issues with my FFIL stem from my own.  Which is a mess to say the least. We are getting married in October this year. Still far enough but close enough to make me nervous.  Truth be told when I met my Fiance his father and him lived together in a house. Mind you down payment paid by my fiance.(funds from malpractice suit from the death of his mother) His father and his name both on the house.  My Fi will never leave that house. So fast forward we meet fall in love move in together IN THAT HOUSE! With his father still living there. Fine. Now 5 yrs later that is still the living arrangement. FI doesnt want to move nor come out and tell his father he needs to move. But we have made it clear we are getting married things are changing. WE have discussed briefly no big details of what life will be after the wedding. 

His Father is a jerk most of the time. I stand up to him or my FI does for me. That is why my mother does not like him, because of how he treats me. (acts like he is entitled and i should clean up after him.) Trust me there are other issues with the living sitation. It makes it hard, and has almost made me reconsider getting married. But I love my FI and I do want to marry him. But I do not want to start our married lives off still living like this.  

So that is why i haven't even brought it up to my mother. She has no idea my FI wants to do this. She most likely would, because she loves my FI. But I know i dont like it, and if I feel that way I am sure her reaction will be the same.  

Truth be told if i could have this wedding without including his father i really would. (FI took after his mother obviously, and that is why i love him. FFIL and him are nothing alike complete polar opposites)

I agree with the options presented, but I am torn it is hard to have this conversation. With either my mother or my FI I will come off harsh and bitchy to the FI and i know it. UGH FML. 

I would move out. Sounds like FFIL treats you like a maid and your FI has "stood up for you" but obviously allowed this to continue for 5 years without taking any concrete action.

Let your FI figure out the legal issues with the house - either FFIL buys him out or he cuts his losses. You aren't married yet, so this isn't your legal battle. If your FI wants to start a life with YOU (excluding your third wheel), he will work it out and follow you. JMO, though. 

Because to him telling the only family he has left to just get out! Well that is a rough conversation. I have thought about moving out several times. But honestly it shouldn't be us to move. It should be his Dad. House is in FI name FFIL secondary. FI put the substantial down payment down. I love that house, and I have made it into our home.(from the bachelor pad it was).  But something has to give. 

I meant move out without FI. Because he has made it very clear he will not solve this problem. 

Jen4948

Etiquette has no rules about who walks whom down the aisle, and if you and your mother had a better relationship with your FFIL, I'd approve of his escorting your mother.

But I think you have bigger problems than whether your FFIL escorts your mother down the aisle that you'd better work out before you marry your FI.

Once you've worked them out, if you're still going forward with the wedding, I would tell your FI, "I'm sorry, but this is not going to work. My mother refuses to walk with your father because they don't get along and this is not going to change prior to the wedding. She and I would both prefer that she walk with someone of her own choice. Please consider this a closed subject."

ei34

The living situation would be a bigger deal to me than who's walking who down the aisle.  If the DP came from the mother's malpractice suit (such a sad story btw), wouldn't the house kind of be the father's?  I think a spouse trumps a child as far as money unless a child's name is specifically on an account?  I can't weigh in though I don't know the specifics.  A lawyer may have to get involved though- one will probably have to buy out the other.  I would NOT move into a house with my FFIL, especially if he's like yours.

kahluakoala

Why don't you have your mom and stepdad walk you down the aisle together? That way your mom can have a special moment with you and she won't be required to walk with FFIL

Edit: Just read the rest of the thread and it seems like there's a lot of issues to work out besides a processional. Good luck OP

Jaime6166

eileenrob said:

The living situation would be a bigger deal to me than who's walking who down the aisle.  If the DP came from the mother's malpractice suit (such a sad story btw), wouldn't the house kind of be the father's?  I think a spouse trumps a child as far as money unless a child's name is specifically on an account?  I can't weigh in though I don't know the specifics.  A lawyer may have to get involved though- one will probably have to buy out the other.  I would NOT move into a house with my FFIL, especially if he's like yours.

father and mother were divorced. Mother remarried FI and stepdad did the malpractice suit. Has nothing to do with his father. But my FI was very young 19, and that amount of money very substantial. So he wanted to do something smart like invest in something.Why not a house?? I feel it was a good decision. He needed his father because he needed to take a morgage for the rest. Bank wouldnt do without someone else. Even with the amount put down. So that is how it came about. He realized long before he met me he made the biggest mistake of his life. But now is trying to figure out how he is going to get out of it. 

Jaime6166

KahluaKoala said:

Why don't you have your mom and stepdad walk you down the aisle together? That way your mom can have a special moment with you and she won't be required to walk with FFIL

Edit: Just read the rest of the thread and it seems like there's a lot of issues to work out besides a processional. Good luck OP

I love that idea as well. But i have a 15 yr old son from a previous relationship. I wanted to include him in our cermony. I felt is was fitting to have my son adn my stepdad walk me down/give me away so to speak. 

CMGragain

The MOG chooses HER escort.  Nobody else does it for her.
The MOB chooses HER escort.  Nobody else does it for her.
The bride chooses HER escort.  Nobody else does it for her.
Your FI is wrong to try and do this.  Tell him to cool it.

There are no rules about "including" family members in the processional.  It is very unusual for an entire family to be a part of it.  I would raise my eyebrows over a big family procession.

ei34

Jaime6166 said:

eileenrob said:

Jaime6166 said:

Alright so to my dismay. My FI wants to have his Father walk my Mother down the aisle before the bridesmaids etc.  Here is why my stepdad is walking me down with my son. My father has passed so has his mother. So instead of my mother coming down the aisle before us all by herself he wanted his dad as an escort. Something about the joining of the families etc. 
My problem is my mother cannot stand my FFIL, lets be honest i have my own issues with him as well. (long story separate conversation) I have yet to tell my mother or ask her if this will be an issue. He has already asked and told his dad that is what he wants. But what are the rules for etiquette on this? Is it ok? Odd? Just do not do it?  I get the reasoning why he wants to do this, and I admit while it is sweet it makes me uncomfortable. Because of my issues with my FFIl I just would rather nix that whole thing and move on.  

What is everyone's thoughts on this? 

My biggest problem is that your FI went ahead with a plan you didn't like.  Both in wedding planning and in life, you two should be on the same page before involving others.

As far as the plan itself, I wouldn't do it.  Your mother's comfort is more important than the symbolism of joining families.  (You and FI getting marriage covers the union aspect.)  Perhaps your parents could each be escorted in by siblings? If they're WP members they could double back around to process in again, or that could just be their entrance too.

That said, as a wedding guest the only thing that bothers me about processions into a ceremony is if there are tons of people and it takes a long time.  A FOG and a MOB can certainly walk in together if they're both on board.

I agree that he shouldn't have done that. But he didn't know I didn't like the idea, because when he brought it up i just said "maybe it could work". When really in my head I was screaming.  That is my fault for not communicating my issues, but it is a touchy subject. I do not want to tell my FI "Look be happy your dad is invited after all the shit he has done to us" NO! My FI has been involved in all of the plans from minute one. So its my fault. I just need opinions on where to go from here. 

My opinion is to work hard at communicating with your FI.  Whether it's as trivial as Italian vs. Mexican on date night or as big as your discomfort around your FFIL.  The marriage will be its best when you're both able to fully communicate.  I tell my DH things I don't tell anyone else.  
Just focusing on the question you asked about the entrance- it's definitely  reversible.  Tell your FI your mother will be walking down the aisle with ___ (whoever you and she wants).  Pick a good time to have the conversation (no distractions), be confident and direct, let him have time to respond, but keep firm on your decision.  It can be practice for the more important convo you have to have about your living situation.  Good luck!

geebee908

You have work to do on your relationship and communication with your FI before you commit to him in marriage. I agree that the processional issue is small potatoes compared to the other issues you've got going on.

I'd also like to point out that your family and his family are not joining. In marrying, you and FI are joining to make a new family together. The families you each came from could well never see each other again after the wedding; there is nothing to bring them together except your new family events that might bring them into contact again. So the symbolism doesn't even work here.

Ro041

Jaime6166 said:

KahluaKoala said:

Why don't you have your mom and stepdad walk you down the aisle together? That way your mom can have a special moment with you and she won't be required to walk with FFIL

Edit: Just read the rest of the thread and it seems like there's a lot of issues to work out besides a processional. Good luck OP

I love that idea as well. But i have a 15 yr old son from a previous relationship. I wanted to include him in our cermony. I felt is was fitting to have my son adn my stepdad walk me down/give me away so to speak. 

You don't need two people walking you down the aisle.  Pick one and have the other walk mom down the aisle.  Problem solved.  When the officient asks "who gives this woman?" or whatever, have them both stand up together and say, "We do."  It's not conventional, but really, none of this is.  

Edited: word

Ro041

Jaime6166 said:

My mother's issues with my FFIL stem from my own.  Which is a mess to say the least. We are getting married in October this year. Still far enough but close enough to make me nervous.  Truth be told when I met my Fiance his father and him lived together in a house. Mind you down payment paid by my fiance.(funds from malpractice suit from the death of his mother) His father and his name both on the house.  My Fi will never leave that house. So fast forward we meet fall in love move in together IN THAT HOUSE! With his father still living there. Fine. Now 5 yrs later that is still the living arrangement. FI doesnt want to move nor come out and tell his father he needs to move. But we have made it clear we are getting married things are changing. WE have discussed briefly no big details of what life will be after the wedding. 

His Father is a jerk most of the time. I stand up to him or my FI does for me. That is why my mother does not like him, because of how he treats me. (acts like he is entitled and i should clean up after him.) Trust me there are other issues with the living sitation. It makes it hard, and has almost made me reconsider getting married. But I love my FI and I do want to marry him. But I do not want to start our married lives off still living like this.  

So that is why i haven't even brought it up to my mother. She has no idea my FI wants to do this. She most likely would, because she loves my FI. But I know i dont like it, and if I feel that way I am sure her reaction will be the same.  

Truth be told if i could have this wedding without including his father i really would. (FI took after his mother obviously, and that is why i love him. FFIL and him are nothing alike complete polar opposites)

I agree with the options presented, but I am torn it is hard to have this conversation. With either my mother or my FI I will come off harsh and bitchy to the FI and i know it. UGH FML. 

To the bolded, are you trying to say that you have not discussed what your life after wedding will look like?  If that is the case, girl, you need to have that conversation now.  A bit of unsolicited advice here, but if you don't communicate with your husband, you are dooming your marriage from the beginning so you may want to make this a priority.  You should be comfortable being able to talk to him about anything - both big and little issues.  I think it's odd that you didn't tell him upfront that you didn't think that the mom/dad walking together was a good idea.  This might be a symptom of a larger communication problem you have with you fiance.  

As an aside, does your son live with you and FI and Dad?  Is that a healthy living arrangement for him if Dad is so bad?  

Jaime6166

CMGragain said:

The MOG chooses HER escort.  Nobody else does it for her.
The MOB chooses HER escort.  Nobody else does it for her.
The bride chooses HER escort.  Nobody else does it for her.
Your FI is wrong to try and do this.  Tell him to cool it.

There are no rules about "including" family members in the processional.  It is very unusual for an entire family to be a part of it.  I would raise my eyebrows over a big family procession.

It is not a big family processional. MOB and then we start with bm's and GM's that is it. 

CMGragain

OK, I get it now.  But the rules still stand.  Nobody except your Mom has the right to choose who will be her escort, including you.  This is the standard etiquette.
When I was MOB, I had my son escort me.  My choice.

Jaime6166

Ro041 said:

Jaime6166 said:

My mother's issues with my FFIL stem from my own.  Which is a mess to say the least. We are getting married in October this year. Still far enough but close enough to make me nervous.  Truth be told when I met my Fiance his father and him lived together in a house. Mind you down payment paid by my fiance.(funds from malpractice suit from the death of his mother) His father and his name both on the house.  My Fi will never leave that house. So fast forward we meet fall in love move in together IN THAT HOUSE! With his father still living there. Fine. Now 5 yrs later that is still the living arrangement. FI doesnt want to move nor come out and tell his father he needs to move. But we have made it clear we are getting married things are changing. WE have discussed briefly no big details of what life will be after the wedding. 

His Father is a jerk most of the time. I stand up to him or my FI does for me. That is why my mother does not like him, because of how he treats me. (acts like he is entitled and i should clean up after him.) Trust me there are other issues with the living sitation. It makes it hard, and has almost made me reconsider getting married. But I love my FI and I do want to marry him. But I do not want to start our married lives off still living like this.  

So that is why i haven't even brought it up to my mother. She has no idea my FI wants to do this. She most likely would, because she loves my FI. But I know i dont like it, and if I feel that way I am sure her reaction will be the same.  

Truth be told if i could have this wedding without including his father i really would. (FI took after his mother obviously, and that is why i love him. FFIL and him are nothing alike complete polar opposites)

I agree with the options presented, but I am torn it is hard to have this conversation. With either my mother or my FI I will come off harsh and bitchy to the FI and i know it. UGH FML. 

To the bolded, are you trying to say that you have not discussed what your life after wedding will look like?  If that is the case, girl, you need to have that conversation now.  A bit of unsolicited advice here, but if you don't communicate with your husband, you are dooming your marriage from the beginning so you may want to make this a priority.  You should be comfortable being able to talk to him about anything - both big and little issues.  I think it's odd that you didn't tell him upfront that you didn't think that the mom/dad walking together was a good idea.  This might be a symptom of a larger communication problem you have with you fiance.  

As an aside, does your son live with you and FI and Dad?  Is that a healthy living arrangement for him if Dad is so bad?  

No FI and I have discussed what we want life to be like after marriage. Trust me we have no communication issues. The part that we have barely scratched the surface on is the living situation with his dad. It has come up but no in depth conversation about it. To where we have mentioned him not living there after we are married. But he hasnt done anything or took that hint to do anything about it. 

FI and I do not have secrets. We discuss everything. He knows how i feel about his dad and the situation. He does have issues with communication with his dad, and what he wants. But not with me. 

holyguacamole79

scribe95 said:

If the situation hasn't changed in five years it isn't going to just because you are married. I would not get married until your FI lives on his own frankly. I think you are setting yourself up for failure. 

Also, I would have your son walk your mom. Most aisles it's difficult to get three people down an aisle anyway.

geebee908 said:

You have work to do on your relationship and communication with your FI before you commit to him in marriage. I agree that the processional issue is small potatoes compared to the other issues you've got going on.

I'd also like to point out that your family and his family are not joining. In marrying, you and FI are joining to make a new family together. The families you each came from could well never see each other again after the wedding; there is nothing to bring them together except your new family events that might bring them into contact again. So the symbolism doesn't even work here.

I agree with the previous posters and I ESPECIALLY agree with these 2 comments.

Regarding the families not joining ... My husband & I have been married almost 4 years.  The last time my parents saw my in-laws was at the wedding.  They live in different cities and have nothing in common except for us (no grandchildren).  

I can't stand my FIL, either.  There's no way in hell I'd live with him.  Ever.  Unless you're complacent with continuing to live with his father, move out.

bleve0821

Jaime6166 said:

Ro041 said:

Jaime6166 said:

My mother's issues with my FFIL stem from my own.  Which is a mess to say the least. We are getting married in October this year. Still far enough but close enough to make me nervous.  Truth be told when I met my Fiance his father and him lived together in a house. Mind you down payment paid by my fiance.(funds from malpractice suit from the death of his mother) His father and his name both on the house.  My Fi will never leave that house. So fast forward we meet fall in love move in together IN THAT HOUSE! With his father still living there. Fine. Now 5 yrs later that is still the living arrangement. FI doesnt want to move nor come out and tell his father he needs to move. But we have made it clear we are getting married things are changing. WE have discussed briefly no big details of what life will be after the wedding. 

His Father is a jerk most of the time. I stand up to him or my FI does for me. That is why my mother does not like him, because of how he treats me. (acts like he is entitled and i should clean up after him.) Trust me there are other issues with the living sitation. It makes it hard, and has almost made me reconsider getting married. But I love my FI and I do want to marry him. But I do not want to start our married lives off still living like this.  

So that is why i haven't even brought it up to my mother. She has no idea my FI wants to do this. She most likely would, because she loves my FI. But I know i dont like it, and if I feel that way I am sure her reaction will be the same.  

Truth be told if i could have this wedding without including his father i really would. (FI took after his mother obviously, and that is why i love him. FFIL and him are nothing alike complete polar opposites)

I agree with the options presented, but I am torn it is hard to have this conversation. With either my mother or my FI I will come off harsh and bitchy to the FI and i know it. UGH FML. 

To the bolded, are you trying to say that you have not discussed what your life after wedding will look like?  If that is the case, girl, you need to have that conversation now.  A bit of unsolicited advice here, but if you don't communicate with your husband, you are dooming your marriage from the beginning so you may want to make this a priority.  You should be comfortable being able to talk to him about anything - both big and little issues.  I think it's odd that you didn't tell him upfront that you didn't think that the mom/dad walking together was a good idea.  This might be a symptom of a larger communication problem you have with you fiance.  

As an aside, does your son live with you and FI and Dad?  Is that a healthy living arrangement for him if Dad is so bad?  

No FI and I have discussed what we want life to be like after marriage. Trust me we have no communication issues. The part that we have barely scratched the surface on is the living situation with his dad. It has come up but no in depth conversation about it. To where we have mentioned him not living there after we are married. But he hasnt done anything or took that hint to do anything about it. 

FI and I do not have secrets. We discuss everything. He knows how i feel about his dad and the situation. He does have issues with communication with his dad, and what he wants. But not with me. 

The highlighted sentences contradict each other.

You say you have discussed your life after marriage, but haven't discussed the most important issue facing you both right now:  Your living arrangements.

You say you have no communication issues, but your FH "hasn't taken the hint" or "done anything" to address your supposedly shared issues with FFIL.  "Hints" =/= communication.  "Doing nothing" also indicates a struggle with communication, especially on an issue as large as this one.  "It has come up but no in depth conversation" ALSO indicates a larger communication issue, because all that has been done on both your and FH's parts has been to acknowledge the issue, and based on your responses, I am skeptical that FH is even acknowledging how strongly you feel about FFIL/living arrangement.

If all that has been done over the course of your relationship has been to briefly touch on this issue, but not come up with a resolution, there really hasn't been a true conversation about it, because it's pretty clear FH isn't taking the necessary steps to address what your combined future will look like.

Jaime6166

holyguacamole79 said:

scribe95 said:

If the situation hasn't changed in five years it isn't going to just because you are married. I would not get married until your FI lives on his own frankly. I think you are setting yourself up for failure. 

Also, I would have your son walk your mom. Most aisles it's difficult to get three people down an aisle anyway.

geebee908 said:

You have work to do on your relationship and communication with your FI before you commit to him in marriage. I agree that the processional issue is small potatoes compared to the other issues you've got going on.

I'd also like to point out that your family and his family are not joining. In marrying, you and FI are joining to make a new family together. The families you each came from could well never see each other again after the wedding; there is nothing to bring them together except your new family events that might bring them into contact again. So the symbolism doesn't even work here.

I agree with the previous posters and I ESPECIALLY agree with these 2 comments.

Regarding the families not joining ... My husband & I have been married almost 4 years.  The last time my parents saw my in-laws was at the wedding.  They live in different cities and have nothing in common except for us (no grandchildren).  

I can't stand my FIL, either.  There's no way in hell I'd live with him.  Ever.  Unless you're complacent with continuing to live with his father, move out.

We leave we sell the house we end up be straddled financially with an outrageous mortgage that we cannot afford. The amount of the morgage is less than buying a base model ford focus right now. So monthy payments are really low. Prior to me living there his dad paid everything for him, because of his age etc. last 4 yrs now me and my FI pay everything his dad gives us money. So I am not sure what we do at this point about that, but FI is speaking to an attorney. 

Trust me I do not want to live this way. But when i moved in his dad was never there he worked out of town all the time. (gone for months at a time, and be home for a week gone again). It is only the last year since he changed jobs he never goes out of town any more. Not an excuse but things were different then. I stuck around because I love my FI and I understand the hell he has been through. (I am his light at the end of the tunnel, and he is mine.) The father situation will work itself out or i will speak out. When i do that it is loud and boisterous. His dad will get the point and if he doesn't i will be sure that he does. But will not abandon ship because shit is hard, and that is not me. 

Yes the situation can change because we are married. "we are married legally bound" Doesn't mean gf bf fiance whatever the title.  I will stand up for my family friends and my soon to be husband at all cost. If that means going to war with his father so be it. I was trying to let my FI do it his way and not alienate the one of the last pieces of family he has left. (there is only 5 people the rest are deceased)