XP MOG

[Deleted User]

After talking, things are good. thanks

DrillSergeantCat

Did she ask for those projects? 

TrixieJess

You've posted in a bunch of different spots, put XP in your titles. 

thefanciestbeckler

Knottie1461023875 said:

I don't usually participate in forums but I just don't know what else to do. I thought, dreamed and hoped my relationship with my future mother in law would be a good one. However, at this point I can't wait for this wedding to be over due to the things she's said and done. At the beginning of our engagement we had fun and I invited her to a bridal show and gave her projects. However those projects were not completed in a timely manner (waiting 10 months to hear back about a honeymoon option and over 4 months to get me her list, which made the save the dates late). Things got rough in the fall. I invited her to several things (dress shopping, seeing the venue). She was always busy. Then one of the family members got sick. I gave her space to cope. However she comes back at me 2 months later( but not to me, through my fiance) and says I didnt send save the dates to some family members(she never gave me their address but she makes a big deal and of course its my fault), starts inviting people not on our list, complains we already booked our honeymoon (she wanted to help but we waited for 10 months, and no response and we are limited on time) wondering why she wasn't included in picking out invitations( she was out of town and with a sick family member, decision had to be made). The biggest issue is she won't talk or call me but goes through my fiance. I've tried to reach out to figure out what the problem is but no response or says nothing is wrong, and she wants my fiancé to talk to me. I am at the point of wanting to cancel or just count down the days until its over. 
What should I do??! Please help

Here's the thing, the more people you involve in the wedding planning process, the more issues like this you will run into. You don't have to (and shouldn't be) giving people "tasks". If you've talked to your FMIL about the wedding and involved her in some of the planning, she's more than likely going to feel like she should have more of a say in things.

Also, who is paying for this wedding? Money comes with strings. If FMIL is contributing to the wedding financially, she will want input.

Where is your FI in all of this? Blood talks to blood. You said she's going to him instead of you, which is good. He needs to be standing up for you instead of just being a go-between.

OliveOilsMom

Knottie1461023875 said:

I don't usually participate in forums but I just don't know what else to do. I thought, dreamed and hoped my relationship with my future mother in law would be a good one. However, at this point I can't wait for this wedding to be over due to the things she's said and done. At the beginning of our engagement we had fun and I invited her to a bridal show and gave her projects. However those projects were not completed in a timely manner (waiting 10 months to hear back about a honeymoon option and over 4 months to get me her list, which made the save the dates late). Things got rough in the fall. I invited her to several things (dress shopping, seeing the venue). She was always busy. Then one of the family members got sick. I gave her space to cope. However she comes back at me 2 months later( but not to me, through my fiance) and says I didnt send save the dates to some family members(she never gave me their address but she makes a big deal and of course its my fault), starts inviting people not on our list, complains we already booked our honeymoon (she wanted to help but we waited for 10 months, and no response and we are limited on time) wondering why she wasn't included in picking out invitations( she was out of town and with a sick family member, decision had to be made). The biggest issue is she won't talk or call me but goes through my fiance. I've tried to reach out to figure out what the problem is but no response or says nothing is wrong, and she wants my fiancé to talk to me. I am at the point of wanting to cancel or just count down the days until its over. 
What should I do??! Please help

First, your FMIL should be going through your FI.  Blood talks to blood, especially with some of the things you describe.

Second, is FMIL contributing at all to the wedding?  Or are you paying for it yourself?  If FMIL is contributing any funds to the wedding, her input should be expected since money can often come with strings.  If FMIL is not contributing to the wedding, so sorry too bad - she cannot complain about things (like invitations) since she isn't paying.

I also think it was pretty lousy of you to give her a list of projects.  I think its weird that you asked her to pick out your honeymoon destination too.  That should be a decision you and FI make.

Also, remember that your wedding isn't the end all, be all of everyone else's lives.  No one will ever be as excited for your wedding day as you and your FI are.  So if FMIL doesn't want to see the venue or go dress shopping, regardless of the reason - is ok. 

Lastly, what does your FI say when she complains about you.  Like when certain family members didn't get STDs because FMIL didn't give you the addresses?  Does he say "Mom, we can only send out invites to those addresses you gave us and its not Knottie#s fault?" or does he push the blame onto you as well?  If its the latter, you have a FI problem in addition to the FMIL problem.

Knottie1435188808

You assigned her projects? Holy hell.

And she SHOULD be communicating through her son. He's the half of the couple she's actually related to. You don't have a leg to stand on here. (Also, maybe she prefers to talk to him because he doesn't push work on her.)

Leave this poor woman alone. She has a sick family member. She gets to set the terms of her involvement, not you. You don't decide what she should be doing and then evaluate and rate her performance. Sheesh.

Knottie1435188808

That was me, Heffa. I don't know why my phone has me logged in as some rando, but it's me.

thefanciestbeckler

Heffa- I was wondering who this rando Knottie #'s was with all the knowledge. Makes more sense now that I know it was you

@OliveOilsMom we posted at the same time and were clearly reading each other's minds. Lol.

Heffalump

thefanciestbeckler said:

Heffa- I was wondering who this rando Knottie #'s was with all the knowledge. Makes more sense now that I know it was you

@OliveOilsMom we posted at the same time and were clearly reading each other's minds. Lol.

Fixed! 

CMGragain

OP, please write X Post on your title when you ask the same question on two different boards.  This is just good manners.
I answered you on the other board, and I said a lot of what everyone on this board has said, too.
Your FMIL does not have to like you.  She only has to be polite to you in public.  Leave the poor woman alone!

DrillSergeantCat

CMGragain said:

OP, please write X Post on your title when you ask the same question on two different boards.  This is just good manners.
I answered you on the other board, and I said a lot of what everyone on this board has said, too.
Your FMIL does not have to like you.  She only has to be polite to you in public.  Leave the poor woman alone!

She asked on 5!

VarunaTT

FI just needs to say, "I'm sorry that you feel left out.  What can we do to fix it?"

B/c all of this crap is done.  Decisions have been made, guest list is finalized, it's all finished and butthurt no longer matters.  If there's something outstanding that you and FI are okay with MIL input, invite her to that thing, and give her a firm deadline, but use the vendor ("Vendor needs to know by X day") for the deadline, not you two.

I don't think money actually plays into this here.  If MIL simply wasn't responding and had other obligations, it's correct that the couple move forward to make the decisions that come with deadlines.  

I'm side-eyeing the projects though.  

[Deleted User]

Should have clarified. Yes, she asked for these "projects" Also, she isn't "planning" the honeymoon. She is apart of a timeshare and offered to research, and book it thats all

[Deleted User]

apologizes never posted in a forum before. thanks i will fix it

*Barbie*

yeah, i'm totally siding with your FMIL here. 

• "assigning" another adult to do projects for you is just insulting. 
• unless your FMIL is a travel agent/professional, I don't understand why you would be involving her in your honeymoon plans - unless you're expecting her to pay for it, which is a dick move. Even so, you were harassing her for 10 months about this? you don't think she has better things to do with her life than plan your vacation?
• your MIL is 100% right in going to your FI - #1 because it's her son, and #2 in her shoes, I wouldn't want to talk to you either because you have been treating me poorly
• nothing you've mentioned is actually a necessity - even if you've invited her, it's an invitation, not a court order. she's allowed to decline. 
• it sounds like you have issues with communication. you didn't mention your FI's opinion or actions in any of this. you need to be on the same page as your FI and need to be presenting a common message to FMIL. Maybe your H thinks you're being unreasonable/overly demanding and agrees with his mom. 
• re: STDs - STDs aren't a requirement, so the only way you could send them out late was to send them out after the wedding happened/or a day or so prior so people didn't receive them until after the wedding. 
• re: guest list - your FI should be able to draft a guest list for his family and communicate with his mom or family members to get addresses/contact info/additional names. if he communicated to her that he needs a final list by X date so invites can be sent, and she failed to provide, then I could see there being a MIL/FI issue - but if he wasn't clear on what he needed or when he needed it, and wasn't able to get the information himself, then i could see your annoyance with FI and MIL not having the info to invite those people. 

CMGragain

OP, this very rude forum behavior on your part is not making you any friends on The Knot.

Heffalump

*Barbie* said:

• unless your FMIL is a travel agent/professional, I don't understand why you would be involving her in your honeymoon plans - unless you're expecting her to pay for it, which is a dick move. Even so, you were harassing her for 10 months about this? you don't think she has better things to do with her life than plan your vacation?

Amen to that. It doesn't take me that long to plan trips that I'm actually going on!

*Barbie*

Heffalump said:

*Barbie* said:

• unless your FMIL is a travel agent/professional, I don't understand why you would be involving her in your honeymoon plans - unless you're expecting her to pay for it, which is a dick move. Even so, you were harassing her for 10 months about this? you don't think she has better things to do with her life than plan your vacation?

Amen to that. It doesn't take me that long to plan trips that I'm actually going on!

seriously - mention a cool location to me, and i'll be shooting DK a full itinerary and budget in an hour or so with "when can we go?"

wanderlust can be a bitch. 

Ro041

Deleted User = womp womp

*Barbie*

[Deleted User] said:

After talking, things are good. thanks

that's super, maybe she should have tried that first. 

OurWildKingdom

Blimey, five forums?