Save The Dates/Invite List - Few Questions

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d

Hey all - 

I have a couple of questions that I have been pondering (or perhaps overthinking - ha!). Here it goes...

1. Is it better on the Save the Dates to create a return address label that lists our first and last name, just first names or a "Future Mr. and Mrs. XXX" - personally I like the idea of Future Mr. and Mrs...but i'm wondering if it's better to list our first and last name, I suppose I really only am wondering this for the handful or so of family members who don't know my fiance's last name. 

2. We have a handful of people on our invite list who have significant others who they have been with for a year or longer, but we either have not met the significant other or they don't always come out to stuff throughout the year. From what I have read, if you are inviting someone whether close friend, colleague, cousin, etc. - if they are in a serious relationship of 1 year or longer it's proper to invite their signifiant other EVEN if you have never met them. I suppose where this goes into question for myself - is with work colleagues and a few of our friends who came to our engagement party and holiday party but did not bring their significant other with them for whatever reason. I'm just confused and it just doesn't feel right to have to pay for the extra heads - LOL, especially if they don't really come around throughout the year for other items. Any advice? 

Oh...and the same with family friends, there are some of my mother's close friends (who I've known since I was very young) who I would like to invite, but I have lost touch with their children (my childhood friends) over the years - so is it proper just to invite the parents, even if I was invited to their kid's weddings throughout the years and such? 

Thanks xoxo

redwoodoriginal

You invite the significant other of anyone who has one regardless of whether they have been together for two weeks or two years. If they say they're in a relationship, no matter length of time, then they get an invite.

Who cares if they don't end up bringing their SO? You'll know from the rsvp and won't have to "pay for an extra head", as cheap as that sounds. 

Everyone with an SO gets invited with their SO. 

CMGragain

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:

Hey all - 

I have a couple of questions that I have been pondering (or perhaps overthinking - ha!). Here it goes...

1. Is it better on the Save the Dates to create a return address label that lists our first and last name, just first names or a "Future Mr. and Mrs. XXX" - personally I like the idea of Future Mr. and Mrs...but i'm wondering if it's better to list our first and last name, I suppose I really only am wondering this for the handful or so of family members who don't know my fiance's last name. 

2. We have a handful of people on our invite list who have significant others who they have been with for a year or longer, but we either have not met the significant other or they don't always come out to stuff throughout the year. From what I have read, if you are inviting someone whether close friend, colleague, cousin, etc. - if they are in a serious relationship of 1 year or longer it's proper to invite their signifiant other EVEN if you have never met them. I suppose where this goes into question for myself - is with work colleagues and a few of our friends who came to our engagement party and holiday party but did not bring their significant other with them for whatever reason. I'm just confused and it just doesn't feel right to have to pay for the extra heads - LOL, especially if they don't really come around throughout the year for other items. Any advice? 

Oh...and the same with family friends, there are some of my mother's close friends (who I've known since I was very young) who I would like to invite, but I have lost touch with their children (my childhood friends) over the years - so is it proper just to invite the parents, even if I was invited to their kid's weddings throughout the years and such? 

Thanks xoxo

Just use your names.  No cutsie "Future Mr. and Mrs." stuff.  Tacky.

If you invite someone to a social occasion (parties, weddings) you MUST invite their spouse, fiance, significant other.  There is no "one year rule".  If they are in a relationship together, you either invite both of them together, or neither of them.

You are not obligated to invite anyone's children, grown up or in diapers, but be prepared for some backlash.  Babysitters are expensive.  Some people may not attend if their kids aren't invited, especially if they are from out of town.  This is your decision.

LondonLisa

1.) use the Smith-Jones Wedding as a return address if you don't want your names 

2.) Anyone that considers themselves in a relationship (whether 6 years or 6 days) must be invited with their SO. No arbotrary cut offs, and no 'I haven't met them yet' excuses. The one year cut off is very rude. 

3.) totally fine to only invite your parent's friends if you have lost touch with their adult children. 

ernursej

Agree with above.

Story about SOs - I was invited to a wedding and my SO wasn't. We hadn't been dating 'long enough' for him to be invited. Fast forward 8 years and we are the only couple from that wedding to still be together (bride and groom included!). I felt very uncomfortable answering questions about where my SO was when it wasn't our decision. Please don't have a cut off. Either invite the person with their SO or don't invite either.

southernbelle0915

1) No etiquette rules on that - it's all preference. Do this however you want.

2) Anyone who considers themselves in a relationship should be invited with their SO. The duration of the relationship doesn't matter. Whether you've met that person doesn't matter. Whether you like that person doesn't matter (unless there's an issue of actual violence or abuse you're trying to avoid). If you can't afford to invite people the polite way, either cut your costs in other places, or don't invite them period. 

3) You can definitely invite your mom's friends without inviting their children. 

AddieCake

Ditto everyone above. If someone considers him or herself in a relationship, you invite the SO. I didn't even meet my husband's mother or siblings until our rehearsal dinner. 

cowgirl8238

1) This is up to you.  I don't usually even read the return address though, so don't think too hard.  I would just go with your first and last name.

2) A SO is anyone who considers themselves in a relationship at the time that the INVITES go out.  There is no distinction for length of relationship, or "seriousness" of relationship.  It is quite rude to invite someone to celebrate your relationship while not honoring theirs.

3) Children do not need to be invited at all.

A few other things:

SO=Anyone in a relationship,  Plus-One=A date for truly single guests.  Both "labels" are applied at the time of INVITES, (Not STD's!).  It is advised to budget for everyone to have a SO at the time of your wedding.  This covers you for any new relationships formed, and then gives you the option to "cut" the Plus-Ones if you need to.  (SO=Must invite, Plus-One=Optional)

STD=INVITATION Later.  You cannot send someone a STD without later sending them an invite...however STDs are not necessary, so not everyone has to get one.  Don't paint yourself into a corner by sending your entire guest list a STD.  Save these for OOT guests and VIPs. 

Not inviting children may reduce your final numbers as it can be difficult for some people to arrange child care.  This is especially true for OOT guests (in my experience).  With that said, you can invite whomever you want, and you should always plan on 100% attendance.

MyNameIsNot

1. I would just use your actual names as they are now. The point of a return address is to tell the post office where to return the envelope if it can't be delivered. It's better to know about it now if you have a wrong address.

2. Anyone in a relationship must be invited with their significant other. It doesn't matter how long they've been together or whether you've met them. If they don't bring these s/o's around much, they'll likely RSVP no for them, and you won't have to pay. But you don't make that decision for people.

3. Adult children of family friends do not need to be invited. It would be weird to invite them if you no longer have a relationship with them.

4. Since you mentioned it, anyone invited to your engagement party must be invited to the wedding. You should probably not have done that party until you'd done your wedding list, but it is what it is. 

MairePoppy

1. Some people prefer not to use their new name until it's official. If that's not a concern for you, it's one way of letting guests know what your name will be after marriage. The Future Mr. and Mrs. Smith may be a little cutsie, but so what. Other options 'The Smith  Jones Wedding.' Or, just put a two line return address:
                         123 Lovers Lane Unit 8
                         Weddington, NC 28100

For a very formal black-tie wedding, I'd stick with tradition and use your first and last name for the return address.
Make sure you use both your first and last names in the STDs.

2. Your guests should be invited with their SO. There's no official rule as far as longevity of the relationship goes. And who wants to be in the position of judging whether other's relationships are seriousness enough to be acknowledged by your invitation? If you're not sure if someone has a SO, just ask.

3. You don't have to invite your childhood friends, even if their parents will be invited.

             

LadyCatherineDB

If your partner is male and is not changing his name (which may not be the case), "the future Mr. and Mrs. X" does not make sense. He is currently Mr. X. That is not changing.

SP29

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:

Hey all - 

I have a couple of questions that I have been pondering (or perhaps overthinking - ha!). Here it goes...

1. Is it better on the Save the Dates to create a return address label that lists our first and last name, just first names or a "Future Mr. and Mrs. XXX" - personally I like the idea of Future Mr. and Mrs...but i'm wondering if it's better to list our first and last name, I suppose I really only am wondering this for the handful or so of family members who don't know my fiance's last name.

Since this is mail correspondence and the purpose of the return address is for the post office, I would use your current first and last names, or as said above, "Smith-Jones Wedding".

2. We have a handful of people on our invite list who have significant others who they have been with for a year or longer, but we either have not met the significant other or they don't always come out to stuff throughout the year. From what I have read, if you are inviting someone whether close friend, colleague, cousin, etc. - if they are in a serious relationship of 1 year or longer it's proper to invite their signifiant other EVEN if you have never met them. I suppose where this goes into question for myself - is with work colleagues and a few of our friends who came to our engagement party and holiday party but did not bring their significant other with them for whatever reason. I'm just confused and it just doesn't feel right to have to pay for the extra heads - LOL, especially if they don't really come around throughout the year for other items. Any advice?

Anyone in a relationship (significant other) at the time invitations are sent must be invited with their SO. Doesn't matter how long they've been together or if you've met them or not. There may be a multitude of reasons why you haven't met their SO. And if their SO doesn't come to the wedding, well then you've saved yourself money because they didn't come.

It's quite rude to invite someone to an event to celebrate your relationship while not acknowledging theirs. If you are close enough to invite someone to your wedding then you are close enough to WANT to get to know their SO. If you don't, maybe reconsider your guest list.

Anyone invited to a pre-wedding party (engagement, shower, bachelorette) must be invited to the wedding. Anyone given a STD must get an invitation- wise to only send STDs to your VIP and OOT guests.

Plan to invite every guest with an SO- this way you will have the budget should that happen, and if not, you've saved money. Do not invite to your maximum budget or venue capacity at this time- give yourself some wiggle room. Lots of stories on here of brides inviting to their maximum and then making a new friend or two a few months before the wedding and then trying to find a way to invite them.

Oh...and the same with family friends, there are some of my mother's close friends (who I've known since I was very young) who I would like to invite, but I have lost touch with their children (my childhood friends) over the years - so is it proper just to invite the parents, even if I was invited to their kid's weddings throughout the years and such?

An adult and their significant other is a social unit. Children of the same family are another social unit. Adult children are adults, and thus their own social units with their SO. It is 100% A-OK to not invite children, or to invite some children but not others. The only rule is not to split up families (i.e. invite the 16 year old but not the 11 year old). And if you do invite some but not all children, best to do this in circles- children of immediate family, first cousins, etc. You are completely fine not to invite your parents' friends' adult children. These guests would get their own invitation anyway, and since you are not close to them, I wouldn't invite them. Weddings are not tit for tat, just because you were invited to someone's wedding doesn't mean you need to invite that person to yours.

Thanks xoxo

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d

Thank you. I think the Future Mr. & Mrs. is cute. I saw it on someone else's Save the Date and liked it They will see our photo on the STD anyways so they will know who it is quickly lol. I'm totally overthinking!

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d

Ok

CMGragain

I am a bit confused.  Are you talking about Save the Dates, or wedding Invitations?  They are not the same thing, and they do not have the same rules.

Save the dates are a new custom, and they are not required at all.  They are not engagement announcements.  (That would be very rude.) They do not invite anyone to your wedding.  They simply state that a formal (written) invitation to your wedding will be sent at a future date so that people can make travel plans.

Good StD advice:

If you are planning a small wedding, you may not need to send StDs at all.  Word of mouth can do the job.

If you are planning a larger wedding, then send your STDs ONLY to the people whom you absolutely know you will invite to your wedding.  You do not need to send them to everybody, but if you do, you MUST invite everyone who received an StD to your wedding.  No exceptions.  You might need to trim your guest list later, so be careful.  We have seen many brides make this mistake.

When you send out your wedding INVITATIONS, then you can be careful that you invite everyone who is in a relationship with their S/O.  A few might have changed between now and eight weeks away from your wedding date.

StDs do not require a response.  If you feel you really need a return address, then use "The Smith-Jones Wedding" and your address.  I, personally, think "The future Mr. and Mrs. Jones" is icky-poo, sicky sweet, and presumptuous.  Not every engaged couple actually goes through with their plans.  What if you need to cancel?  Embarrassing.

redoryx

ernursej said:

Agree with above.

Story about SOs - I was invited to a wedding and my SO wasn't. We hadn't been dating 'long enough' for him to be invited. Fast forward 8 years and we are the only couple from that wedding to still be together (bride and groom included!). I felt very uncomfortable answering questions about where my SO was when it wasn't our decision. Please don't have a cut off. Either invite the person with their SO or don't invite either.

I went to a wedding where my SO wasn't invited for whatever reason and it turned out the minister was the father of one of his best friends. His wife had been invited and so I'm having to deflect questions from this couple about where my SO was without calling out the bride and groom for their rudeness.

Don't be that bride and groom. 

MairePoppy

CMGragain said:

I am a bit confused.  Are you talking about Save the Dates, or wedding Invitations?  They are not the same thing, and they do not have the same rules.

Save the dates are a new custom, and they are not required at all.  They are not engagement announcements.  (That would be very rude.) They do not invite anyone to your wedding.  They simply state that a formal (written) invitation to your wedding will be sent at a future date so that people can make travel plans.

Good StD advice:

If you are planning a small wedding, you may not need to send StDs at all.  Word of mouth can do the job.

If you are planning a larger wedding, then send your STDs ONLY to the people whom you absolutely know you will invite to your wedding.  You do not need to send them to everybody, but if you do, you MUST invite everyone who received an StD to your wedding.  No exceptions.  You might need to trim your guest list later, so be careful.  We have seen many brides make this mistake.

When you send out your wedding INVITATIONS, then you can be careful that you invite everyone who is in a relationship with their S/O.  A few might have changed between now and eight weeks away from your wedding date.

StDs do not require a response.  If you feel you really need a return address, then use "The Smith-Jones Wedding" and your address.  I, personally, think "The future Mr. and Mrs. Jones" is icky-poo, sicky sweet, and presumptuous.  Not every engaged couple actually goes through with their plans.  What if you need to cancel?  Embarrassing.

Engagements, STDs and wedding invitations are presumptuous by their very nature. Of course the couple is presuming they will be married. If for any reason, the wedding doesn't happen, the return address on the envelopes won't be the embarrassing or heartbreaking part of the situation. 

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:

Thank you. I think the Future Mr. & Mrs. is cute. I saw it on someone else's Save the Date and liked it They will see our photo on the STD anyways so they will know who it is quickly lol. I'm totally overthinking!

I like it, too. For practical purposes, as a guest, I'd know how t write out the check for your wedding gift. It would also make me smile to see that you are practicing with your future name.