dlt thread

kimmiinthemitten

MyNameIsNot said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

SaintPaulGal said:

Viczaesar said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

The rule about not having to invite a new SO after invitations have gone out is only applicable if you follow a normal 6-8 week schedule for invitations.  If she's been dating this guy since December then yes, you should invite him to your wedding at the end of February.

Exactly this.

Jumping the gun on your invitations does not exempt you from including SOs. Invite him.

  We decided not to. Makes sense for our situation.

You can do what you want. The wedding police are not going to bust up your ceremony because you are rude.

But you are being very rude to the sister, not to mention childish and petty. If your FI is ok with treating her this way and having you talk about her this way, it's pretty clear that she is not the problem sibling here. 

Outside of the fact that you and your FI are being rude and petty, you're also being short sighted. Sister is going to skip the wedding because her boyfriend is not invited. The family will ask sister why she didn't come. When she tells them it's because you wouldn't let her boyfriend come, you and FI look like the assholes. It would have been easier to just not invite her. 

MyNameIsNot, my FI and I have discussed her with each other and we both feel the same way, it's not like I'm hiding this from him. It's a bizarre situation and maybe I shouldn't have brought this to the forum as none of you really know this girl.

I think it was childish for the sister to act this way and throw a tantrum though. His name wasn't on the invitation because she wasn't with him, and boo-hoo if we sent them a bit earlier. Like I said, we sent invitations earlier because of out of country and out of state families. It seemed like the right idea to us and after discussing with our wedding planner. Nothing wrong here, in my opinion. 

Maybe we are being rude, but come on, we're not comfortable with having a last minute stranger at our wedding. Is this wedding about her or us? Half of the members in different threads say "it's your wedding, do what you desire!" and the other half is hoping that person getting married is going to burn in hell for their decisions.

Talking trash about someone with his knowledge is not any better than doing it behind his back. The way you judge her and talk about her dating life is disgusting. You are behaving like a high school bully. The fact that you think that the worse light you paint her in will make it seem ok to treat her badly speaks volumes about you. You should be ashamed of the way you've talked about her on this board. I can't imagine what you say to people who know her. This isn't high school anymore. People know that when you put other people down to make yourself look better, it's based on your own issues. 

Maybe she was childish. (Although wanting to bring your significant other to a wedding is far from childish.) Excusing your rude behavior by pointing to her childishness just shows how immature you are acting. "She started it" is not an argument someone old enough to be married should be using. 

If you're comfortable being rude, be rude. You posted on an etiquette board. No one here is going to tell you to do what you want, even if it is rude. Be rude all you want. Just don't be surprised when it comes back to bite you. 

All of this. My brothers is your future SIL. He and his girlfriend were invited to my wedding, they were also a no call no show. I'm assuming he's *using again because he hasn't reached out to anyone in my family in the 4 weeks since. Have I been walking around complaining about how rude and inconsiderate my junkie brother was?  No. Am I hurt by his choices, albeit not surprised, yes. However, I'm not going to let someone else push me into a corner or alter my behavior. He was invited. He chose not to come. My family noticed. His behavior reflects nothing on me. However, had I chosen to exclude him based on his previous mistakes, you bet your ass an aunt would have pulled me aside by now and made sure I knew they didn't approve. 

By putting your foot down on this one issue, you're exercising the same childish behavior you bemoan in her. 

debbeau

Wish OP didn't delete the original post.

[Deleted User]

kimmiinthemitten said:

MyNameIsNot said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

SaintPaulGal said:

Viczaesar said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

The rule about not having to invite a new SO after invitations have gone out is only applicable if you follow a normal 6-8 week schedule for invitations.  If she's been dating this guy since December then yes, you should invite him to your wedding at the end of February.

Exactly this.

Jumping the gun on your invitations does not exempt you from including SOs. Invite him.

  We decided not to. Makes sense for our situation.

You can do what you want. The wedding police are not going to bust up your ceremony because you are rude.

But you are being very rude to the sister, not to mention childish and petty. If your FI is ok with treating her this way and having you talk about her this way, it's pretty clear that she is not the problem sibling here. 

Outside of the fact that you and your FI are being rude and petty, you're also being short sighted. Sister is going to skip the wedding because her boyfriend is not invited. The family will ask sister why she didn't come. When she tells them it's because you wouldn't let her boyfriend come, you and FI look like the assholes. It would have been easier to just not invite her. 

MyNameIsNot, my FI and I have discussed her with each other and we both feel the same way, it's not like I'm hiding this from him. It's a bizarre situation and maybe I shouldn't have brought this to the forum as none of you really know this girl.

I think it was childish for the sister to act this way and throw a tantrum though. His name wasn't on the invitation because she wasn't with him, and boo-hoo if we sent them a bit earlier. Like I said, we sent invitations earlier because of out of country and out of state families. It seemed like the right idea to us and after discussing with our wedding planner. Nothing wrong here, in my opinion. 

Maybe we are being rude, but come on, we're not comfortable with having a last minute stranger at our wedding. Is this wedding about her or us? Half of the members in different threads say "it's your wedding, do what you desire!" and the other half is hoping that person getting married is going to burn in hell for their decisions.

Talking trash about someone with his knowledge is not any better than doing it behind his back. The way you judge her and talk about her dating life is disgusting. You are behaving like a high school bully. The fact that you think that the worse light you paint her in will make it seem ok to treat her badly speaks volumes about you. You should be ashamed of the way you've talked about her on this board. I can't imagine what you say to people who know her. This isn't high school anymore. People know that when you put other people down to make yourself look better, it's based on your own issues. 

Maybe she was childish. (Although wanting to bring your significant other to a wedding is far from childish.) Excusing your rude behavior by pointing to her childishness just shows how immature you are acting. "She started it" is not an argument someone old enough to be married should be using. 

If you're comfortable being rude, be rude. You posted on an etiquette board. No one here is going to tell you to do what you want, even if it is rude. Be rude all you want. Just don't be surprised when it comes back to bite you. 

All of this. My brothers is your future SIL. He and his girlfriend were invited to my wedding, they were also a no call no show. I'm assuming he's *using again because he hasn't reached out to anyone in my family in the 4 weeks since. Have I been walking around complaining about how rude and inconsiderate my junkie brother was?  No. Am I hurt by his choices, albeit not surprised, yes. However, I'm not going to let someone else push me into a corner or alter my behavior. He was invited. He chose not to come. My family noticed. His behavior reflects nothing on me. However, had I chosen to exclude him based on his previous mistakes, you bet your ass an aunt would have pulled me aside by now and made sure I knew they didn't approve. 

By putting your foot down on this one issue, you're exercising the same childish behavior you bemoan in her. 

You know what, I'm going to try to be a bigger person here and listen to all of you and invite him. I personally have nothing against the poor guy, just very different feelings toward his sister, coming from myself and my FI, especially since she's stolen from us before. Both of us feel very negative toward her. But because we have to make appearances for family, we'll invite him.

MesmrEwe

PolskaBlondynka said:

.

The moment you invite guests, the wedding stops being only about you.  If you want the day only about you, elope and invite no one.  The sister should have gotten a "Plus-one" at the minimum.  You and your FI are turning this into a hill to die on when it doesn't need to be.  The decent thing to do is invite the new BF, one extra person is not going to make or break your intimate wedding, but it does have the power to create rifts that can/will last decades down the road.  How do you know that this person isn't the one who will change her life for the better and stop enabling the negative behaviors of the past?  It's not about "It's your wedding do what you want" nor "watch the world burn", sometimes it's about being a decent human being. 

Heffalump

debbeau said:

Wish OP didn't delete the original post.

Yes.  Straight-up newb move, from someone who's been around long enough to know better.

OP, I'm glad you are listening to reason.  My life has been a lot easier since I decided not to worry so much about what other people are up to, and to focus on tending my own garden.  You don't need other people's stress and drama.  I honestly can't remember a time when I've regretted doing the right thing, even if I initially had "reasons" why I didn't want to.

And in general, I don't understand this "OMG, we don't even know this guest" attitude.  Like, do you not encounter people you don't know virtually every day of your life?  It's not that traumatic: "hello, nice to meet you, thanks for coming," and BOOM, you're on to the next one.  It's not like you have to tongue kiss them.  And I say this as an introvert, who is generally not "Yay, strangers!"  If I can do it, so can (general) you.

TrixieJess

I'm just here for the DD. 

[Deleted User]

I deleted the post because I got the answers I needed. If there was an option to delete the thread, I would've. Thx everyone.

cowgirl8238

PolskaBlondynka said:

I deleted the post because I got the answers I needed. If there was an option to delete the thread, I would've. Thx everyone.

Deleting your post is rude and frowned upon because your situation could have been helpful to read for other members of the community.

TrixieJess

PolskaBlondynka said:

I deleted the post because I got the answers I needed. If there was an option to delete the thread, I would've. Thx everyone.

You have been here long enough to know how rude that is and to know that other brides can learn from your rudeness. 

PrettyGirlLost

debbeau said:

Wish OP didn't delete the original post.

Wish our regs had quoted!!!

#epicfail

kimmiinthemitten

PrettyGirlLost said:

debbeau said:

Wish OP didn't delete the original post.

Wish our regs had quoted!!!

#epicfail

*Removed for TOS Violation*

ILoveBeachMusic

kimmiinthemitten said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

debbeau said:

Wish OP didn't delete the original post.

Wish our regs had quoted!!!

#epicfail

Slackers!

My synopsis:  OP sent her invites in November for a late February wedding and didn't extend a plus one for her FSIL.  FSIL is a former druggie whore (OP's opinion) who had a child young and out of wedlock and therefore can't be trusted to make good relationship choices (again, OP's opinion).  She now has a boyfriend and said she won't come to the wedding unless he can come but OP and her FI said she was being a brat and said no.  Her plates are $80 each and she doesn't want to spend $160 feeding people she doesn't like.  Now FMIL is upset and she thinks her daughter should be allowed to bring her BF but OP and her FI are holding strong.

Actually, they changed their minds after reading all the responses here and are inviting the BF. I don't understand the DD either.

I will say though, she said she sent the invitations out a month ago  and the wedding is in a month. That is just a little over 8 weeks before the wedding and people were fussing about it was way too early. I've seen people saying 8-10 weeks is more the norm now especially with a lot of OOT invites so I give her a pass on when she sent out the invites. Totally agree with inviting all SOs though.

[Deleted User]

kimmiinthemitten said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

debbeau said:

Wish OP didn't delete the original post.

Wish our regs had quoted!!!

#epicfail

Slackers!

My synopsis:  OP sent her invites in November for a late February wedding and didn't extend a plus one for her FSIL.  FSIL is a former druggie whore (OP's opinion) who had a child young and out of wedlock and therefore can't be trusted to make good relationship choices (again, OP's opinion).  She now has a boyfriend and said she won't come to the wedding unless he can come but OP and her FI said she was being a brat and said no.  Her plates are $80 each and she doesn't want to spend $160 feeding people she doesn't like.  Now FMIL is upset and she thinks her daughter should be allowed to bring her BF but OP and her FI are holding strong.

I think you're being a little rough about me calling her a whore. I never called her a whore. Now you're putting words in my mouth.

We only called her a brat after she began having a clear meltdown (any normal person would move on with their lives and figure, hey, maybe they are on a budget, atleast I would!) about us deciding that we didn't want an extra person at our wedding, especially someone we've never met. She did meet this guy a while after the invitations were sent neither of us KNEW this guy was in her life until the end of December beginning of January. Yes, they were sent early, but I confirmed with my wedding planner if this was okay, she said absolutely, since we have OOT and OOC guests.

I wanted to paint a picture of his sister, and maybe I was being rude about it and a little unfair, but this isn't something I've made up or exaggerated. For that I am ashamed. His whole family knows how she is. I've spoken with my FI last night about the whole situation and it was decided to let this poor guy come anyways, since it's just one person and I have nothing against him in particular.  Yes, I took the advice to free up the drama and not make us look like the people to blame at the wedding.

The ill feelings were toward the sister and it stems from the way she has treated us in the past (stolen from us and family, lied to both) and their constant forgiving and her never learning from her mistakes. My FI figured to take a stand and not let her get what she wanted. It was his original decision to do so, but last night I talked to him and we changed course to not stoop down to her level. 

geebee908

PolskaBlondynka said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

debbeau said:

Wish OP didn't delete the original post.

Wish our regs had quoted!!!

#epicfail

Slackers!

My synopsis:  OP sent her invites in November for a late February wedding and didn't extend a plus one for her FSIL.  FSIL is a former druggie whore (OP's opinion) who had a child young and out of wedlock and therefore can't be trusted to make good relationship choices (again, OP's opinion).  She now has a boyfriend and said she won't come to the wedding unless he can come but OP and her FI said she was being a brat and said no.  Her plates are $80 each and she doesn't want to spend $160 feeding people she doesn't like.  Now FMIL is upset and she thinks her daughter should be allowed to bring her BF but OP and her FI are holding strong.

I think you're being a little rough about me calling her a whore. I never called her a whore. Now you're putting words in my mouth. I may have acted rude about his sister to give a picture of her, but so are you at this moment. 

We only called her a brat after she began having a clear meltdown (any normal person would move on with their lives and figure, hey, maybe they are on a budget, atleast I would!) about us deciding that we didn't want an extra person at our wedding, especially someone we've never met. She did meet this guy a while after the invitations were sent neither of us KNEW this guy was in her life until the end of December beginning of January. Yes, they were sent early, but I confirmed with my wedding planner if this was okay, she said absolutely, since we have OOT and OOC guests.

I wanted to paint a picture of his sister, and maybe I was being rude about it and a little unfair, but this isn't something I've made up or exaggerated. For that I am ashamed. His whole family knows how she is. I've spoken with my FI last night about the whole situation and it was decided to let this poor guy come anyways, since it's just one person and I have nothing against him in particular.  Yes, I took the advice to free up the drama. 

The ill feelings were toward the sister and it stems from the way she has treated us in the past (stolen from us and family, lied to both) and their constant forgiving and her never learning from her mistakes. My FI figured to take a stand and not let her get what she wanted. It was his original decision to do so, but last night I talked to him and we changed course and not stoop down to her level. 

If you don't want people putting words in your mouth you shouldn't DD your posts. Then they're there for others to see and you won't have to come back to defend yourself.

[Deleted User]

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Actually, they changed their minds after reading all the responses here and are inviting the BF. I don't understand the DD either.

I will say though, she said she sent the invitations out a month ago  and the wedding is in a month. That is just a little over 8 weeks before the wedding and people were fussing about it was way too early. I've seen people saying 8-10 weeks is more the norm now especially with a lot of OOT invites so I give her a pass on when she sent out the invites. Totally agree with inviting all SOs though.

Might I mention that we confirmed wedding invitation timeline with our wedding planner and she even urged us to do so. This isn't something we did out of the blue to inconvenience people, though.

[Deleted User]

If you don't want people putting words in your mouth you shouldn't DD your posts. Then they're there for others to see and you won't have to come back to defend yourself.

You're confirming TheKnot members put words into other people's mouths then, essentially. I'm not defending myself, I figure I'd write it again so you people could move on with your lives, I even mentioned thank you and left but you can't let it die, so I figured, okay let me re-write it. I could care less about this forum and had no idea there were set rules for deleting posts!

DrillSergeantCat

PolskaBlondynka said:

If you don't want people putting words in your mouth you shouldn't DD your posts. Then they're there for others to see and you won't have to come back to defend yourself.

You're confirming TheKnot members put words into other people's mouths then, essentially. I'm not defending myself, I figure I'd write it again so you people could move on with your lives, I even mentioned thank you and left but you can't let it die, so I figured, okay let me re-write it. I could care less about this forum and had no idea there were set rules for deleting posts!

You didn't outright say she was a whore, but you insinuated heavily.

[Deleted User]

Mods, please lock this thread as it's not needed. The question was answered and we decided to go with what was recommended.

[Deleted User]

DrillSergeantCat said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

If you don't want people putting words in your mouth you shouldn't DD your posts. Then they're there for others to see and you won't have to come back to defend yourself.

You're confirming TheKnot members put words into other people's mouths then, essentially. I'm not defending myself, I figure I'd write it again so you people could move on with your lives, I even mentioned thank you and left but you can't let it die, so I figured, okay let me re-write it. I could care less about this forum and had no idea there were set rules for deleting posts!

You didn't outright say she was a whore, but you insinuated heavily.

Definitely not. The word did not even come up in my head. Thanks though for your feedback on this thread.

DrillSergeantCat

PolskaBlondynka said:

Mods, please lock this thread as it's not needed. The question was answered and we decided to go with what was recommended.

It doesn't work that way. You deleting it, just draws even more attention to this thread because people see the DD and want to see the drama. 

DrillSergeantCat

PolskaBlondynka said:

Definitely not. The word did not even come up in my head. Thanks though for your feedback on this thread.

You said something about them "dating...well screwing." What were we to infer from that judgmental statement? 

[Deleted User]

DrillSergeantCat said:

You said something about them "dating...well screwing." What were we to infer from that judgmental statement? 

That it is a fling or flavor of the month (poor choice of words on my part though originally). Like I said, thanks for your feedback; it's not needed anymore. We decided on a decision! Thanks everyone!

geebee908

PolskaBlondynka said:

If you don't want people putting words in your mouth you shouldn't DD your posts. Then they're there for others to see and you won't have to come back to defend yourself.

You're confirming TheKnot members put words into other people's mouths then, essentially. I'm not defending myself, I figure I'd write it again so you people could move on with your lives, I even mentioned thank you and left but you can't let it die, so I figured, okay let me re-write it. I could care less about this forum and had no idea there were set rules for deleting posts!

The synopsis after the DD is going to be someone's impression of what you said, and even if you didn't use those words, that's the perception you gave to a lot of posters on these boards.

climbingsingle

Didn't you say your FMIL was very upset by the way you and your FI are treating his sister? 

Here's a piece of advice - don't start your marriage off like this. Stop judging your FSIL.  You'll only continue on this unnecessary drama. You'll do irreparable damage to your relationship with your in-laws. Your wedding is just ONE DAY. 

kimmiinthemitten

PolskaBlondynka I'm glad you changed your mind and still think it's to everyone's benefit.  Do you really want your wedding day to be used to teach people a lesson?  By doing that, you're giving FSIL way more weight into the day than by just giving in and I hope you realize that.

But you complained about the BF because FSIL dates, screws  a lot of people and you said you didn't want to pay for the flavor of the month.  You also inferred she could have a new BF by the time the wedding rolls in anyways.  Those were your words.  You were also very judgey about her having a child young and out of wedlock.  Where I'm from that equals calling someone a whore.   You don't like your FSIL and that is fine, but don't come back and act like I was harsh in my synopsis of what you said because I summed it up into one word.

@ilovebeachmusic, you were totally right, I was giving my first post synopsis but I see how it read like I ignored the most recent update

southernbelle0915

PolskaBlondynka said:

Mods, please lock this thread as it's not needed. The question was answered and we decided to go with what was recommended.

I'm sorry, we cannot lock or delete threads simply because you do not like the direction they have taken or the advice given. Best advice is to stop posting and let this thread die a natural death, or PM @knotriley to delete your account.

banana468

climbingwife said:

Didn't you say your FMIL was very upset by the way you and your FI are treating his sister? 

Here's a piece of advice - don't start your marriage off like this. Stop judging your FSIL.  You'll only continue on this unnecessary drama. You'll do irreparable damage to your relationship with your in-laws. Your wedding is just ONE DAY. 

So much this.

It's $160 bucks to feed two people at your wedding.   Is it worth standing up and being "right" to people over this??

Pick and choose your battles here.    Your FSIL can say to the family members at your wedding, "This is my BF Turd Ferguson!"   Or she can say, "I would have brought Turd but PolskaBolndynka said that he wasn't worthy of an invitation."

You have a lifetime ahead of you with this family.   Do you want to start it off this way?? 

charlotte989875

DrillSergeantCat said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

If you don't want people putting words in your mouth you shouldn't DD your posts. Then they're there for others to see and you won't have to come back to defend yourself.

You're confirming TheKnot members put words into other people's mouths then, essentially. I'm not defending myself, I figure I'd write it again so you people could move on with your lives, I even mentioned thank you and left but you can't let it die, so I figured, okay let me re-write it. I could care less about this forum and had no idea there were set rules for deleting posts!

You didn't outright say she was a whore, but you insinuated heavily.

Also said she had a baby and a month later she was with someone else not the father (listed as one of the things that was unsavory about the FSIL's behavior). 

DrillSergeantCat

And now she's deleted. 

PrettyGirlLost

[Deleted User] said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

debbeau said:

Wish OP didn't delete the original post.

Wish our regs had quoted!!!

#epicfail

Slackers!

My synopsis:  OP sent her invites in November for a late February wedding and didn't extend a plus one for her FSIL.  FSIL is a former druggie whore (OP's opinion) who had a child young and out of wedlock and therefore can't be trusted to make good relationship choices (again, OP's opinion).  She now has a boyfriend and said she won't come to the wedding unless he can come but OP and her FI said she was being a brat and said no.  Her plates are $80 each and she doesn't want to spend $160 feeding people she doesn't like.  Now FMIL is upset and she thinks her daughter should be allowed to bring her BF but OP and her FI are holding strong.

I think you're being a little rough about me calling her a whore. I never called her a whore. Now you're putting words in my mouth.

We only called her a brat after she began having a clear meltdown (any normal person would move on with their lives and figure, hey, maybe they are on a budget, atleast I would!) about us deciding that we didn't want an extra person at our wedding, especially someone we've never met.

Not really.  A "normal" person might assume that you didn't budget correctly.  I'd be pissed off as well if my SO wasn't invited to my brother's wedding.

She did meet this guy a while after the invitations were sent neither of us KNEW this guy was in her life until the end of December beginning of January. Yes, they were sent early, but I confirmed with my wedding planner if this was okay, she said absolutely, since we have OOT and OOC guests.

1. Wedding Planners aren't necessarily fonts of correct wedding etiquette.  8-10 weeks is pretty reasonable to send out invitations, even if you have OOT guests.  If you have a ton of OOT guests then you should have used STDs.

2. The fact that your FI and you didn't know his sister had an SO is on you two.  Your FI should have talked to his sister prior to the invitations going out, then this entire situation would have been avoided.

I wanted to paint a picture of his sister, and maybe I was being rude about it and a little unfair, but this isn't something I've made up or exaggerated. For that I am ashamed. His whole family knows how she is. I've spoken with my FI last night about the whole situation and it was decided to let this poor guy come anyways, since it's just one person and I have nothing against him in particular.  Yes, I took the advice to free up the drama and not make us look like the people to blame at the wedding.

The ill feelings were toward the sister and it stems from the way she has treated us in the past (stolen from us and family, lied to both) and their constant forgiving and her never learning from her mistakes. My FI figured to take a stand and not let her get what she wanted. It was his original decision to do so, but last night I talked to him and we changed course to not stoop down to her level.