Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest List Cut-Offs

I recently got engaged and am making a draft of my guest list. We would really like to keep the list at or under 150 people, and were doing well at that until my mom decided we needed to add a bunch of family friends to the list so as not to hurt feelings and cause drama for my parents. My parents are paying for the wedding, so I'm not sure if I'm obligated to invite their friends? The families in question are families I knew in high school but am not close to anymore- I haven't talked to the family members my age in at least a year (more than a year for most). 

Furthermore, there is specifically one family that I do not want to have present at my wedding. But if I exclude them and include the others who are on the same "level of closeness" with my parents, I feel like there's going to be drama.

It's stressing me out trying to stay in the budget I've been given while dealing with these potential additions. Any advice?

Re: Guest List Cut-Offs

  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2017
    I recently got engaged and am making a draft of my guest list. We would really like to keep the list at or under 150 people, and were doing well at that until my mom decided we needed to add a bunch of family friends to the list so as not to hurt feelings and cause drama for my parents. My parents are paying for the wedding, so I'm not sure if I'm obligated to invite their friends? The families in question are families I knew in high school but am not close to anymore- I haven't talked to the family members my age in at least a year (more than a year for most). 

    Furthermore, there is specifically one family that I do not want to have present at my wedding. But if I exclude them and include the others who are on the same "level of closeness" with my parents, I feel like there's going to be drama.

    It's stressing me out trying to stay in the budget I've been given while dealing with these potential additions. Any advice?
    When someone else is paying for a wedding, they get a say in who is included in the guest list.  It sounds like you need to talk to your mom about the budget and the number of people on the list.  Maybe you can figure out where to cut costs to include everyone - for example going with a less expensive venue or smaller alcohol package (or you and your fiance can kick in some money to help cover the costs).  

    Edited: words

  • If your parents are paying and hosting this wedding then in reality, it's their guest list.   Ideally you have say in this with them but if they are hosting they can theoretically withdraw any contribution.

    I think you may need to draft the ideal guest list for you and your FI, your parents and his parents.   Look it over and then if your parents are hosting, sit down with them and start to talk budget.

    Can you tell them why there is a family you don't want to be invited?   
  • Sorry, but if your parents are hosting the party, they get to decide the guest list. You would need a very good reason to take a family off their list. If there's an issue of abuse, criminal issues, or other safety issues, that's one thing, but "I don't care for them" isn't good enough when you aren't the one footing the bill.

    You can tell them your preferences, but at the end of the day, if your parents are paying and they want a 400 person wedding, you have to decide whether you want to accept their money (along with the strings) or decline it and be free to plan the wedding YOU want.
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  • If you want to control the guest list, then you and your FI also need to foot the bill.  Looks like the two of you have some thinking to do.
  • The only way for you to have total control over the guest list is to pay for the wedding in its entirety. They who pay get a say. If you don't want to invite your parents' friends, then you need to pay for the wedding yourself.
  • It sounds like the parents gave a budget, and have a big list of guests they want invited. These are pretty contradictory. I'd sit down with your parents with the 2 guest lists--yours/fiances and your parents, and show your mom how many people it is, and what that comes out to in the budget (does it mean using a different/bigger venue? not having any money for flowers? having a smaller bar package? cutting out transportation? etc.). 

    Maybe your mom doesn't realize what all the costs are, and doesn't realize inviting those extra people will mean cutting drastically somewhere else, or having to choose a bigger venue.

    But as others have said, if she wants more guests with less budget for other things, or a cheaper overall venue, then that's up to her since she's hosting the event! If you want to host your own event, turn down her offer and pay for it yourself. 
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2017
    I recently got engaged and am making a draft of my guest list. We would really like to keep the list at or under 150 people, and were doing well at that until my mom decided we needed to add a bunch of family friends to the list so as not to hurt feelings and cause drama for my parents. My parents are paying for the wedding, so I'm not sure if I'm obligated to invite their friends? The families in question are families I knew in high school but am not close to anymore- I haven't talked to the family members my age in at least a year (more than a year for most). 

    Furthermore, there is specifically one family that I do not want to have present at my wedding. But if I exclude them and include the others who are on the same "level of closeness" with my parents, I feel like there's going to be drama.

    It's stressing me out trying to stay in the budget I've been given while dealing with these potential additions. Any advice?
    You do not need to invite your parents friends.  Easy solution here!  Just pay for your wedding yourself.  If you want to accept their money, then you invite their friends as they are requesting.
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  • I had a similar situation kind of happen. There are three couples in my parents' neighborhood who all hang out. Two of them are awesome and kind of like second parents to me so I would have invited them anyway. My parents are paying and requested we invite the third couple, since they invited my parents to all of their kids' things (and in my mom's words "would talk crap if they weren't invited"). I don't like this couple; for no particular reason, they just aren't nice. BUT I sucked it up and invited them, halfway hoping they'll decline. 

    The way I looked at it was that two extra people aren't going to completely blow the budget, unless the guest list cap is the max capacity for the venue. I've found ways to cut back in other areas. My parents are being nice enough to pay for the wedding, so I can respect their wish to have their friends present. 
    My parents paid for my wedding.  They had 15 friends they invited.    All 17 (including my parents) of them have gone to all the other kid's weddings around the country.  That is what they "do".  

     I've always known this and never thought twice.  Not a fan and/or even really know 1 couple, but it wasn't worth a fight or stress.  They were paying and I that was the least I could do.   It should be noted that none of my friends were excluded as a result.  We picked a place that could accommodate everyone in the way we wanted to host our guests, in our budget.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I recently got engaged and am making a draft of my guest list. We would really like to keep the list at or under 150 people, and were doing well at that until my mom decided we needed to add a bunch of family friends to the list so as not to hurt feelings and cause drama for my parents. My parents are paying for the wedding, so I'm not sure if I'm obligated to invite their friends? The families in question are families I knew in high school but am not close to anymore- I haven't talked to the family members my age in at least a year (more than a year for most). 

    Furthermore, there is specifically one family that I do not want to have present at my wedding. But if I exclude them and include the others who are on the same "level of closeness" with my parents, I feel like there's going to be drama.

    It's stressing me out trying to stay in the budget I've been given while dealing with these potential additions. Any advice?
    What's the deal behind this family?  The only real excuse you can use for not inviting them would be if they were likely to cause any physical harm.

    FWIW, my parents paid for our wedding, too.  My parents insisted that I invite the people my dad worked with (in their defense, a lot of them had known me for 15+ years).  My mom also insisted that I invite one of her cousins, who I met once very briefly.

    You just gotta go with the flow.
  • I had an issue somewhat similar to this. My parents paid for the majority of our wedding, and wanted to invite the parents of a friend I had in high school. This was someone I was very close with basically from kindergarten until graduation of high school, but she moved across the country after high school, and the only way we really stay in contact was Facebook with the very rare text. I'd seen her twice in the 5 years since graduation, and I just wouldn't consider her a "close" friend anymore. My parents were also very close with her parents in high school, had only seen them a few times in the years since, but still considered them "close" friends.
    Anyway, I couldn't imagine inviting her parents and not inviting her. I talked to my parents about how I felt, and they said they understood, but still wanted to invite them. I ended up inviting them and my old friend, and none of them ended up coming. I did feel odd inviting people I wouldn't consider "close" at this time in my life, but my parents were paying a large chunk, so I definitely felt I had to go with what they wanted. 
  • How did you come up with a guest list of 150? Do you already have a venue in mind, or is this a ball park number you think you would like? Have your parents given you a budget already?

    When planning a wedding, the first things you do are create a guest list and decide on your budget. THEN you start looking for venues to accommodate your guest list and budget.

    Since your parents are paying, they get a say in the guest list. However, you can definitely bring up to your parents, "Mom, you and Dad gave us a budget of $10K, and our current guest list is 171 people. The current guest list is going to make it difficult to provide a reception that includes a sit down dinner with bar, DJ and dancing" and then go from there. I think the biggest thing here is you need to talk with your parents about the current guest list, the budget and what kind of event that leaves you at. Maybe they are prepared to increase the budget. Maybe they didn't realize the cost of things and would reconsider the guest list. Maybe they will stand firm that X is the budget and Y are the guests they want invited. You don't know until you ask.

    I think it is fine in this early planning process to create a guest list that is "Must Invite" and "Would Like to Invite". You don't later use this list to create a B list, but you can bring it to your parents to say, "I understand you want to invite your friends and extended family, but with the current budget, it would mean excluding X,Y,Z friends/family members, and these are people that are very important to FI and I".

    Hopefully your parents are reasonable and want to invite guests that are there to celebrate you, but at the end of the day it is their money and they can do with it as they wish. So you either go with it and change the style of wedding and reception you are having (i.e. a lunch or cake and punch reception), consider adding to their budget with your own money to cover the guests you want, or decline their offer of money and entirely plan the wedding yourselves.
  • You said "The families in question are families I knew in high school but am not close to anymore- I haven't talked to the family members my age in at least a year (more than a year for most)."

    Can you just invite the parents and not their adult children and their SO's?Meaning instead of 6(Mom, Dad, Daughter, Daughters SO, Son, Son's SO) you go to 2 (Mom and Dad)


  • This is the "I'd like to keep it to the pretty number of 150 but I haven't actually written out names yet to know what that pretty number's line looks like nor the where our potential guest list numbers really are" point OP.  At least you haven't booked the reception site yet! 

    "Ye who pays gets a say!".  If your parents are paying for everything, "Sure, it's a good thing we haven't booked the hall yet!" or "We've decided not to accept your money to pay for the wedding and will be scaling it back to the one we can afford instead" are your options.  Sure, this may be the difference in a Country Club Wedding and a KC Hall reception venue, but it's all in what you bring to the day not the location.  You are at a wonderful point that you can adjust your budget to welcome the additional guests.  I wouldn't stress out about it or limiting your guest list to an arbitrary number that doesn't correlate to where your lines really are at this point.  It all comes back to the lines of communication, not fixating on a number.  
  • I think if your parents are paying and willing to front the bill for their additional guest list requests you should just go along with it. I know it may be awkward if you aren't particularly close but it probably means a lot to your parents. Just because they are invited doesn't mean they will come, so let the universe work itself out. The family you feel strongly about not wanting them there talk to your folks and let them know why, but just try and remember you'll be surrounded with a bunch of friends and family who love you so if there's a couple people you feel funny having there try not to focus on it. I'm dealing with this with certain family member's spouses lol. It gets tricky. Good luck :)
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