Wedding Woes

Best friend won't allow me to bring a plus one to her wedding?

I saw this question on another site and wanted to post it. A lot of people stated in the discussion that it's "totally normal to not have plus ones at a wedding" or "cutting plus ones is the easiest way to save on budget".

Question is below..

Ashley and I have been friends since high school, I consider her to be my best friend. I'm not in her wedding because her fiancé only has 3 friends and she has friends she's known since birth so she had to cut people out of being her bridesmaid. My feelings were kind of hurt because we hang out and talk more than any of her other friends.... but I told her I completely understand!

Now, I was talking to her about the seating chart and she said no one who isn't married is allowed a plus one. I said "okay that kind of sucks but I understand, who am I sitting with?" You guys, she's sitting me at a table of 8 couples and I will be the only person with no date. I have a lot of social anxiety and the thought of sitting there being the 9th wheel is seriously stressing me out!!!

I don't want to make a big deal, it's her wedding she can do as she pleases, but every wedding I've been to I've had a plus one on the invite. Is this normal to tell your close friends they aren't allowed a date? So during the slow songs I'm to just sit at the table alone? Am I being a brat about this?

Re: Best friend won't allow me to bring a plus one to her wedding?

  • I saw this question on another site and wanted to post it. A lot of people stated in the discussion that it's "totally normal to not have plus ones at a wedding" or "cutting plus ones is the easiest way to save on budget".

    Question is below..

    Ashley and I have been friends since high school, I consider her to be my best friend. I'm not in her wedding because her fiancé only has 3 friends and she has friends she's known since birth so she had to cut people out of being her bridesmaid. My feelings were kind of hurt because we hang out and talk more than any of her other friends.... but I told her I completely understand!

    Now, I was talking to her about the seating chart and she said no one who isn't married is allowed a plus one. I said "okay that kind of sucks but I understand, who am I sitting with?" You guys, she's sitting me at a table of 8 couples and I will be the only person with no date. I have a lot of social anxiety and the thought of sitting there being the 9th wheel is seriously stressing me out!!!

    I don't want to make a big deal, it's her wedding she can do as she pleases, but every wedding I've been to I've had a plus one on the invite. Is this normal to tell your close friends they aren't allowed a date? So during the slow songs I'm to just sit at the table alone? Am I being a brat about this?

    Is she in a relationship?    

    Yeah, I think it's just NICE to allow your guests to bring a date.   But I also don't think you have to do it or you're bad if you don't.

    The bride's cutoff is rude as fuck.   If you're not in a RELATIONSHIP then you don't have to allow your guests to bring a random date.   If you're in a relationship then you're obligated to invite that person too. 

    BUT, regardless of the cutoff, it sounds like the LW isn't in that situation.   So while the cutoff is rude to anyone in a relationship who isn't married, the LW seems to not be in a relationship in the first place.   And I think she needs to get used to the concept of being invited to places without a date if she doesn't have one.   

    Use the slow songs as a time to go to the bathroom or get a drink.   How to occupy your time for 3 minutes shouldn't be a major concern.

    Also,  I'd hope that the bride is seating the LW at a table of couples because she thinks they'll all get along and have similar interests. 
    HeffalumpSP29
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    No you aren't being a brat. She is being rude. She is only allowing people who are married to bring a SO? That is very rude. All people in a relationship when invitations are sent should have their SO invited by name. It doesn't matter how long they have been in a relationship. If you are talking about a real plus one (you can invite anyone even without being in a relationship), a plus one isn't mandated by etiquette. People often think that a SO and plus one are the same - they aren't. It would be nice of her to extend a plus one to you since you are the only single person at the table. I don't know if I would attend!
    short+sassySP29
  • Personally, we assumed spouse's were coming as 'plus one' - even those in the wedding party.

    Only person we ever had questionable issues with was when one of the GMs got in a new relationship. He held off on asking if his gf could come for awhile because he wasn't sure if they were even going to be together .... but that's a whole diff thing.
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  • First off, your friend is rude as f**k to only "deem" a worthy relationship as a "married" relationship.  By her own standards, she shouldn't be inviting her FI to their wedding because they won't be married yet!!!

    I mean, obviously that's silly.  But I think you seem my point.

    With that said, for truly single people, it is perfectly within etiquette to not give them a plus one.  I personally think great lengths should made to give a "plus one" to truly single very close friends, immediate family, and anyone traveling a good distance.  But, granted, that's my strong personal opinion, not necessarily what is required by etiquette.

    It's really up to you.  An invitation is not a summons.  If you'll feel uncomfortable being a her wedding by yourself, then don't go.  But also keep in mind that, by the time dancing starts, you can wander around to go say hi to other people you know.  Or maybe use it as an excuse to come out of your shell a bit and go say hi to other people who look like they are there by themselves.  Not only that but, just because the other people at your table are couples, doesn't mean they are all going to leave for every slow dance.

    I'm sorry you feel hurt by your friend's actions.

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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
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    While she is within the bounds of etiquette I think it's really rude to seat a single person at a table with all established couples and not offer a plus one. Especially if she's a good friend. 

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    MesmrEweshort+sassycowgirl8238
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    While she is within the bounds of etiquette I think it's really rude to seat a single person at a table with all established couples and not offer a plus one. Especially if she's a good friend. 

    I agree. I've experienced that before and hated it because it was so awkward.
    MesmrEwekimmiinthemitten
  • 1) Bride is rude AF, SNS..  
    2) Have the pot call the kettle, it all bugs you, and that's o.k.!!!  Grab a (favorite gourmet) cupcake and a glass of <preferred beverage of choice> to get it out of your system (at home of course, going out <bleck!>) and vow inside that when your day arrives you know how NOT to treat your friends and guests and will accept no less than proper hospitality towards everyone invited and their spouse/escort/SO/BF/GF/etc..
    3) Weddings, Funerals, and babies bring out the real in most people, which can sometimes be downright ugly, and that's o.k.  What you have is your choice in how you respond to this.  Nothing you're experiencing is likely new in this friendship, just disappointment over realizing what is-is.  And that's o.k.!  What wouldn't be o.k. is really calling her out on this at this point, just stop all wedding-related conversations and "bean dip" should it come up because when she shares this stuff with you it only produces one reaction inside.  




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  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited January 2017
    If you are in a relationship (engaged, dating exclusively) then you should expect your significant other to be invited, since you are a couple.
    If you just want to bring a date, well, no.  This isn't something that you should automatically expect.
    The "no one who isn't married is allowed a plus one" thing is incorrect etiquette.  However, if you are not in a relationship, there is no reason for you to demand a plus one so that you can fill a seat with an extra body, just to soothe your ego.

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    short+sassycowgirl8238
  • I think a lot of good points have been made and I see that you're trying to be respectful of your friend.  Are you friends with the couples that you're going to be sat with? If not, are there going to be people at the wedding you do know? 

    If you're going to be at a table with people you know, I think you're over-thinking this.  DH and I have always chatted with other people at our table when we're at weddings, whether we know them or just met them.  

    If you're not going to know anyone at the table, but there are people at the wedding you do know, I'd gently ask if you can be seated with them.  I'd also ask if there is going to be a 'singles' table, since she's not allowing +1's for single people.  

    The worst she can say is 'no'.  Also at most formal events (weddings and otherwise) I've been to, once dinner is done and there is dancing or other entertainment, you're not sitting at a table.  You're up and mingling.  Plus this is one day, it's not like it's a 4 day weekend trip where you're the 9th (or 12th or 20th) single wheel with all couples.  
    short+sassy
  • One thing stuck out to me in your post - 8 couples + you at a table is 17 people.  That is a very unusual table set up.  Perhaps you misread the chart?
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    mrsconn23
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    CMGragain said:
    If you are in a relationship (engaged, dating exclusively) then you should expect your significant other to be invited, since you are a couple.
    If you just want to bring a date, well, no.  This isn't something that you should automatically expect.
    The "no one who isn't married is allowed a plus one" thing is incorrect etiquette.  However, if you are not in a relationship, there is no reason for you to demand a plus one so that you can fill a seat with an extra body, just to soothe your ego.

    I don't think it's to soothe their ego - you don't need to assign motive. Plenty of people who would like a plus one are perfectly comfortable with being single at a wedding. They want a plus one so they have a person to talk to when all the other couples are talking to their SO. Sure, the bride doesn't have to oblige, but if you're considering the comfort of your friends, I think you should try harder than the bride in question.

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    mrsconn23kimmiinthemittenahoywedding
  • @mrsconn23 & @MNNEBride - this was just a post I found on another board, so I can't answer your questions. :)
    mrsconn23kimmiinthemittenMNNEBride
  • @mrsconn23 & @MNNEBride - this was just a post I found on another board, so I can't answer your questions. :)
    LOL!  Gotcha. 
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