Should I support my abusive ex-fiancee?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
Oh, I need help. My fiancée and I broke up last fall. I was struggling with depression and she having trouble managing her anger. Things got ugly, even after a year of couples’ therapy, and leaving felt like the only way to save both of us. Here’s where it gets complicated: 25 years ago, my ex was abused by her partner and had a lifetime restraining order issued against him. Last year, he tried to contact her, and she reported him and tried to move on with her life. Now the prosecutor is pursuing the charges against my ex’s abuser, and she’s distraught by the idea of having to go through court proceedings and possibly seeing him again. My ex doesn’t have a great relationship with her family (though she lives with her parents so it’s not all bad) and only a few friends, none close. She’s pushed them all away with the same angry, hurtful behavior that made me leave.

She’s reached out to me, trying as guilt me into stand by her through this. But even as she’s asking for support, she’s being unkind. I’ve done my best to move forward and I’m making progress. I worry helping her will come at the expense of my mental health and well-being. But I consider myself a compassionate person so I’m struggling with the idea of turning my back on her. Can I stay out of this without feeling like an awful person?

—Do I Owe Support?

banana468

Tell her that you recommend counseling.    But don't put yourself in a situation that you know is toxic and one sided.  

thefanciestbeckler

I agree with @banana468. There is absolutely nothing wrong with drawing healthy boundaries. LW needs to suggest counseling and draw the line there.

charlotte989875

Give her the names and numbers of domestic violence centers in your area. They will be able to give her the kind of support she needs. 

OliveOilsMom

Hopefully this is just one of those times when a LW needs to be told its ok to not be the hero.  It seems like LW is having counseling himself for the depression, so he should talk this out further with the therapist if its going to bother him so much, not helping.

I think LW needs to tell ex "Ex, I'm sorry that this is bringing up bad feelings for you.  I encourage you to get counseling to help you through this tough time.  I'm very sorry, but for my own mental health, I cannot assist you during this time."  He can leave it at that.  If Ex presses for a bigger reason, he should decline and end the call.  It also would be wise to block her from trying to contact him, for his own peace of mind.

Heffalump

Not her circus, not her monkeys.

short+sassy

I'm wondering if the LW could go "halfway", so to speak.  Determine the emotional support he is able/willing to give and let the ex-FI know what he can do.  And what he can't do, for his own emotional well being.  For example, maybe he can't be the shoulder for her to cry on every other day, but he could go with her to court on the first day.

But if the LW doesn't feel he can give any emotional support without it being at the expense of his own well being, then that's the answer.

On the one hand, exes don't owe each other anything.  But, on the other hand, when someone has been in your life a long time.  You've cared about them, they've cared about you.  It's a kindness to still show concern and caring.

I guess, at least to an extent.  I don't agree with y'all.  I've been there.  If he can help her, at least to some limit.  I think he should.  And if he can't, I do agree with that also.  But he also needs to at least have the decency to let her know that also and let her know why he can't take any further calls.  And just be CARING in how he let's her know that.  I don't want him to traumatize her further.

I actually have two perfect examples of how that was done poorly and how it was done well, for me personally.  I've been through three, life changing traumatic experiences in my life.  The first one, I was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes and came within death's door before my diagnosis.  I called my ex to let him know what had happened.  We were still in touch at the time, though the drifting away had started.  For someone who, less than a year before had wanted to marry me, he could not have had a more "blasé, whatever" attitude.  He gave the perfunctory, "I'm sorry to hear that," but in a total monotone.  And then made a lame excuse to get off the phone about one minute later.  Wow.  Sorry my traumatic news was such a bore for you.  I made my choice I would never contact him again, unless he called me.  We never spoke again.  His attitude was deeply hurtful.

In contrast, when my father died, it happened about a month after a long-term relationship had ended.  I called that ex to let him know what had happened.  He was totally supportive and caring.  He came with me to the funeral.  He was a shoulder to cry on many times.  He didn't have to do any of that.  But I really appreciated that he stepped up and was caring, at a time when I was so destroyed and such a mess. 

The third, wasn't "ex" related, but really touched my heart.  After Katrina happened, a very good friend I'd lost touch with, contacted my mom (because he didn't know any other way to get in touch with me) to find out if I was okay.  My mom passed along his message and gave me his phone number.  I called him and it re-ignited our friendship. 

MesmrEwe

It's a balancing act for the LW where LW needs to set the boundaries and hold tight to them.  The first being that the ex needs to seek a great counselor because "it's time to take her power back and release some of the pent up negative emotions", next "friends, not lovers".  But the fact that the ex is reaching out to her if anything tells me she's "there" in "if someone does an intervention to get her (the victim) into proper counseling she'll make the life changes that need to be made"...  And yes, it's an intervention that "it's time to no longer be a victim of circumstance"...  But LW also needs to "grow a set" to set those boundaries reading the situation as she knows it to be!