Wedding 911

Ditch Wedding and Elope?

For a lot of personal reasons, my fiancé and I do not feel like our large wedding will really make either of us happy at this point. It seems more like a chore and something to please others! However, the wedding is at the end of May (4 months away) and save the dates were previously sent out. Is there an appropriate way to cancel and elope just the two of us? Does anyone have any experience with getting deposits back? If so, how did that go? Thanks in advance! 

Re: Ditch Wedding and Elope?

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    For a lot of personal reasons, my fiancé and I do not feel like our large wedding will really make either of us happy at this point. It seems more like a chore and something to please others! However, the wedding is at the end of May (4 months away) and save the dates were previously sent out. Is there an appropriate way to cancel and elope just the two of us? Does anyone have any experience with getting deposits back? If so, how did that go? Thanks in advance! 
    You can cancel your wedding and send out a notice to people you sent STDs.  There is is a proper way to send a notice, @CMGragain has good wording for that. You could also call each person individually, but that has the potential to be more awkward, plus if you're canceling because of family drama, that might not be the best route anyways, and it's definitely not the formal way.  

    Then, do your thing and elope.  After the wedding, you can send out a notice of marriage, which CMG can also help you with.  

    Did you send STDs out to everyone on your invite list?  Or only VIPs and close friends and family?  


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    OurWildKingdom
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited February 9
    For a lot of personal reasons, my fiancé and I do not feel like our large wedding will really make either of us happy at this point. It seems more like a chore and something to please others! However, the wedding is at the end of May (4 months away) and save the dates were previously sent out. Is there an appropriate way to cancel and elope just the two of us? Does anyone have any experience with getting deposits back? If so, how did that go? Thanks in advance! 
    I doubt that you will be able to get your deposits back at this late date.  You might be able to convert your wedding plans into a celebration party, but to do that you must elope before the wedding date.

    Cancellation notices should be sent out immediately.  Cards will do.  No explanations should be included.  If someone asks before you elope, you just say "Our plans have changed."  The sooner you elope, the easier explanations will be.

    The wedding of Jane Smith and John Doe
    will not take place as previously announced.

    Marriage announcements look just like wedding invitations, but they have less information.  You do not explain why you chose to get married, or what the ceremony was like.  No photos.  You send these AFTER the ceremony.

    Jane Ann Smith
    and
    John George Doe
    announce their marriage
    January 29, 2017
    Anytown, Iowa

    Receiving a marriage announcement does not mean that someone should send you a gift.  Card of congratulations are in order.  This is just a formal and personal way of telling people that you are now married.

    If you do choose to have a party later, no wedding traditions, no wedding dress.  It will just be a party.  You can share your photos from your honeymoon.  Many members of my own family have eloped.  Do remember that an elopement is secret until after it has taken place.  If you tell people about your plans, then it is not an elopement, it is a private ceremony.



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    InLoveInQueensSP29levioosa
  • Before you throw the baby out with the bathwater on the large wedding that's a chore - break down where the problem is to really decide if it's solvable through a few simple steps.  First - you're and whomever is projecting expectations upon you is turning it into work, stop it!  STOP IT NOW!  There are three things you need to get married 1) Someone to marry.  2) Someone to officiate/marry you.  3) A License.  Everything else is window dressing and gravy.  Weddings, babies, and funerals bring out the best and worst in people, eloping probably isn't going to solve your problems and probably will create some more especially if someone else is paying for any portion of the deposits.  This process is only stressful if you make it so.  This is the reason you hire great vendors and let them do their jobs!  Yes, it's really o.k. to be the bride/groom that give your vendors the budget, event date/times, send out your invites, give vendors the numbers when they want them by, let your vendors do what you've paid them to, and show up to get married without having stressed yourselves out making sure you have the right color of napkin! (no one cares, they just care they have one and a chair to sit in).   

    Presume the answer to your deposits is "read your contract before you signed it", chances are most of your deposits are gone depending on what your contracts say.  That said, you hired these vendors to do a job, instead of getting yourself worked up over details - "Here's the budget, feed 300 guests, I like beef!" to your caterer.  To your florist "Here's the budget, our wedding color is David's periwinkle, here's who I need flowers for", same for cake.  Stop complicating this!  People plan funerals using many of the same vendors on less than a week's notice, and in some cases three days.  Decide and delegate.  If people are annoying you telling you "You NEED/HAVE TO/etc. do (Detail)" - unless they're PAYING for this out of their pockets - use the fine art of "Bean Dip" and change the subject.  Leave the room if you have to.  If people are behaving like children the day-of it'll be on them, not reflective of you.  Don't feed the drama beast.

    There's more than what you posted obviously, but eloping isn't going to take the problems away, and it's likely going to be a large financial hit.  If you haven't already, and this is something recommended for all couples, premarital counseling either through your church or with a Marriage and Family Counselor (it's surprisingly reasonable OOP).  Whatever the issue is, is likely going to find its way into your marriage from time to time, it's far easier to address how to handle issues like this on the front end than it is after the wedding because right now you're setting the boundaries you need in place for the long haul.  You'll thank yourself later whether you elope or have the large wedding by having invested into the marriage.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    cowgirl8238InLoveInQueensCMGragain
  • I can relate.  My fiancé and I ended cancelling our May wedding.  We had some family issues, and felt like things were done to appease other people; the wedding didn't feel like us and we were not looking forward to it. So we ended up deciding to elope. 


    I feel there is no good way to tell friends and family about your decision to cancel the wedding.  Find a way that works for you an your fiancé, and hopefully the people who love you will understand and support your decision.


    Best wishes!

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