Ditch wedding and elope?

Knottie1428773465

For a lot of personal reasons, my fiancé and I do not feel like our large wedding will really make either of us happy at this point. It seems more like a chore and something to please others! However, the wedding is at the end of May (4 months away) and save the dates were previously sent out. Is there an appropriate way to cancel and elope just the two of us? Does anyone have any experience with getting deposits back? If so, how did that go? Thanks in advance! 

LondonLisa

Knottie1428773465 said:

For a lot of personal reasons, my fiancé and I do not feel like our large wedding will really make either of us happy at this point. It seems more like a chore and something to please others! However, the wedding is at the end of May (4 months away) and save the dates were previously sent out. Is there an appropriate way to cancel and elope just the two of us? Does anyone have any experience with getting deposits back? If so, how did that go? Thanks in advance! 

Do whatever feels right for you, but you will need to act fast. Post cancellation announcements to all your guests homes ASAP. Take down any registries. Cancel all pre-wedding parties. Did you have any showers or engagement parties? 

As for deposits, those are usually non refundable. What does your contract say? Most vendors will have been booked well in advance, so they turned down business to save your day. Read your contract but the reality is most, if not all, of that money is gone. 

The only way I've heard of getting a venue your deposit back is if you find someone else to take your business. 

You up should just go into this thinking you won't get anything back from you our deposits. 

Also, if you post the same issue on multiple boards, you should put XP in the subject. 

southernbelle0915

Etiquette wise, you would send out cancellation notices to anyone who received a save the date or was invited verbally. Basically, you just notify people and apologize for any inconvenience. Do this immediately as it's only 4 months away.

"We regret to inform you that the
Smith-Jones wedding on May 20th 
will not take place.
We apologize for any inconvenience."

If you had a shower already, the polite thing to do is to return all the gifts to the giver (you're not supposed to open shower gifts until after the wedding, so this shouldn't be an issue). If the shower is planned and invites have already gone out, work with the host to cancel that too and apologize for any inconvenience. Delete all of your registries, like today.

ernursej

Also, you can just have a smaller wedding. If you didn't send STDs to all your guests, you just have to invite those that have received a STD or were invited to any pre-wedding parties.

You could also look at adjusting items from your wedding. All you need to get married is officiant, the couple and perhaps a couple of witnesses. If you were going to have a live band, change it out for iPod music play list, having a big 5 course dinner, change it for a buffet ....

Figure out what has caused you to change your mind. Make sure that you still want to get married at all (it would be okay to not get married either) and then alter your plans accordingly.

aurianna

southernbelle0915 said:

If you had a shower already, the polite thing to do is to return all the gifts to the giver (you're not supposed to open shower gifts until after the wedding, so this shouldn't be an issue). If the shower is planned and invites have already gone out, work with the host to cancel that too and apologize for any inconvenience. Delete all of your registries, like today.

Wha.... never heard that one before.

charlotte989875

aurianna said:

southernbelle0915 said:

If you had a shower already, the polite thing to do is to return all the gifts to the giver (you're not supposed to open shower gifts until after the wedding, so this shouldn't be an issue). If the shower is planned and invites have already gone out, work with the host to cancel that too and apologize for any inconvenience. Delete all of your registries, like today.

Wha.... never heard that one before.

The gifts are for your wedding. That these people are invited to. If the wedding doesn't happen you need to return the gifts. The same would apply to a wedding that is cancelled and then rescheduled. 

southernbelle0915

aurianna said:

southernbelle0915 said:

If you had a shower already, the polite thing to do is to return all the gifts to the giver (you're not supposed to open shower gifts until after the wedding, so this shouldn't be an issue). If the shower is planned and invites have already gone out, work with the host to cancel that too and apologize for any inconvenience. Delete all of your registries, like today.

Wha.... never heard that one before.

Yep it's a thing. I don't know where it comes from...superstition? couples not traditionally living together/using household stuff before the wedding? But really the idea is in case of cancellation. I don't think most people go into wedding planning intending to cancel, but it obviously happens. So if you got gifts related to that wedding and you're not actually going to follow through and have the wedding/invite those people to the wedding, you're supposed to return the gifts. If you've already used them, well that's awkward...

cupcait927

southernbelle0915 said:

aurianna said:

southernbelle0915 said:

If you had a shower already, the polite thing to do is to return all the gifts to the giver (you're not supposed to open shower gifts until after the wedding, so this shouldn't be an issue). If the shower is planned and invites have already gone out, work with the host to cancel that too and apologize for any inconvenience. Delete all of your registries, like today.

Wha.... never heard that one before.

Yep it's a thing. I don't know where it comes from...superstition? couples not traditionally living together/using household stuff before the wedding? But really the idea is in case of cancellation. I don't think most people go into wedding planning intending to cancel, but it obviously happens. So if you got gifts related to that wedding and you're not actually going to follow through and have the wedding/invite those people to the wedding, you're supposed to return the gifts. If you've already used them, well that's awkward...

I think there's some confusion on the wording. You're supposed to open gifts at your shower, but you're not supposed to use them until after the wedding. I think @aurianna may have taken the post to literally mean that shower gifts are to remain gift-wrapped until after the wedding. Unless I'm wrong and PP hadn't heard that you aren't supposed to use shower gifts until after the wedding.

southernbelle0915

Yes, that's right @cupcait927. Gifts at the shower should definitely be unwrapped in person at the shower and the gifter thanked in person and in writing, but they shouldn't be opened/used until after the wedding. Like your new blender came in a gift bag, you remove the gift bag and tissue, say "omg thanks for this blender, I can now blend all the booze" and then you leave it in the box, unopened until the wedding.

PrettyGirlLost

southernbelle0915 said:

aurianna said:

southernbelle0915 said:

If you had a shower already, the polite thing to do is to return all the gifts to the giver (you're not supposed to open shower gifts until after the wedding, so this shouldn't be an issue). If the shower is planned and invites have already gone out, work with the host to cancel that too and apologize for any inconvenience. Delete all of your registries, like today.

Wha.... never heard that one before.

Yep it's a thing. I don't know where it comes from...superstition? couples not traditionally living together/using household stuff before the wedding? But really the idea is in case of cancellation. I don't think most people go into wedding planning intending to cancel, but it obviously happens. So if you got gifts related to that wedding and you're not actually going to follow through and have the wedding/invite those people to the wedding, you're supposed to return the gifts. If you've already used them, well that's awkward...

Not superstition, practicality.  Because if the wedding is cancelled it's rude to keep the gifts you were given for the wedding.

This has actually happened to me twice- I've attended and given shower gifts and the weddings were then called off. 

The 1st wedding- on the night of the bachlorette party a drunken BM blabbed to the mother of the FI of the Bride's cousin- are you still with me- that the bride had been cheating on her FI for pretty much ever.  Cousin then confronts his cousin the bride outside, and then BAM! the wedding is called off.  No shower gifts were returned.

2nd wedding- MOB comes over to the house the day after the shower to personally return the gifts   Bride and Groom were not a good match, we all knew it, she realized it after the shower.  Glad she did not go through with what would have been an unhappy marriage- they did not have a happy relationship prior to getting engaged. 

charlotte989875

PrettyGirlLost said:

southernbelle0915 said:

aurianna said:

southernbelle0915 said:

If you had a shower already, the polite thing to do is to return all the gifts to the giver (you're not supposed to open shower gifts until after the wedding, so this shouldn't be an issue). If the shower is planned and invites have already gone out, work with the host to cancel that too and apologize for any inconvenience. Delete all of your registries, like today.

Wha.... never heard that one before.

Yep it's a thing. I don't know where it comes from...superstition? couples not traditionally living together/using household stuff before the wedding? But really the idea is in case of cancellation. I don't think most people go into wedding planning intending to cancel, but it obviously happens. So if you got gifts related to that wedding and you're not actually going to follow through and have the wedding/invite those people to the wedding, you're supposed to return the gifts. If you've already used them, well that's awkward...

Not superstition, practicality. 

The 1st wedding- on the night of the bachlorette party a drunken BM blabbed to the mother of the FI of the Bride's cousin- are you still with me- that the bride had been cheating on her FI for pretty much ever.  Cousin then confronts his cousin the bride outside, and then BAM! the wedding is called off.  No shower gifts were returned.

  

Bet that BM felt like an ass. 

lovesclimbing

charlotte989875 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

southernbelle0915 said:

aurianna said:

southernbelle0915 said:

If you had a shower already, the polite thing to do is to return all the gifts to the giver (you're not supposed to open shower gifts until after the wedding, so this shouldn't be an issue). If the shower is planned and invites have already gone out, work with the host to cancel that too and apologize for any inconvenience. Delete all of your registries, like today.

Wha.... never heard that one before.

Yep it's a thing. I don't know where it comes from...superstition? couples not traditionally living together/using household stuff before the wedding? But really the idea is in case of cancellation. I don't think most people go into wedding planning intending to cancel, but it obviously happens. So if you got gifts related to that wedding and you're not actually going to follow through and have the wedding/invite those people to the wedding, you're supposed to return the gifts. If you've already used them, well that's awkward...

Not superstition, practicality. 

The 1st wedding- on the night of the bachlorette party a drunken BM blabbed to the mother of the FI of the Bride's cousin- are you still with me- that the bride had been cheating on her FI for pretty much ever.  Cousin then confronts his cousin the bride outside, and then BAM! the wedding is called off.  No shower gifts were returned.

  

Bet that BM felt like an ass. 

Yea, she may not be good friends with the bride anymore, but if I were the fiancé, I'd be thanking her profusely. 

CMGragain

OP, I answered you on the other board about wording.  Please put Xpost when you post the same question on multiple boards.

Shower gifts are opened at the shower, in front of the guests.  If the wedding is cancelled, they should be returned.  Ditto wedding gifts.   The rule is that you should not USE the gift until after the wedding, not that you shouldn't open it!

KnotYetTied

southernbelle0915 said:

Yes, that's right @cupcait927. Gifts at the shower should definitely be unwrapped in person at the shower and the gifter thanked in person and in writing, but they shouldn't be opened/used until after the wedding. Like your new blender came in a gift bag, you remove the gift bag and tissue, say "omg thanks for this blender, I can now blend all the booze" and then you leave it in the box, unopened until the wedding.

Oh! That shows how entirely clueless I am about weddings. I was just as confused. I was thinking back to bridal showers I had attended, and I was like, "Man, they all opened their gifts! We're all so rude!" Good to know. Open, but do not use, which I already knew to wait to use the gifts, so maybe I'm not as much of a etiquette-less southern bumpkin as I thought.

MesmrEwe

CMGragain said:

OP, I answered you on the other board about wording.  Please put Xpost when you post the same question on multiple boards.

Shower gifts are opened at the shower, in front of the guests.  If the wedding is cancelled, they should be returned.  Ditto wedding gifts.   The rule is that you should not USE the gift until after the wedding, not that you shouldn't open it!

I also addressed your post in the other thread OP - Lots of dynamics taking place, but the core issue causing the problem (hint: It's NOT the wedding!) needs addressing first.