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charlotte989875

Even though I disagree with the DD (and the "bless your heart", please many of us live/have lived in the south we know what that really means) I do think this got a little out of hand. Assuming she shouldn't get married because the FILs had financial problems that involved her and her FI? Look you can have all the financial planning conversations and the things unexpectedly happen. Sometimes they are handled well, other times they're not, but I guess I just don't see the red flags here other poster(s?) do. My reading of it was the FILs had money problems, their son stepped in to help, that doesn't imply anything about the OP and her FI not having conversations about their finances or plans after the wedding. 

OP I do hope you stick around or reconsider. This really can be a great source of info and many of us have lots of experience with planning, families, and weddings. 

cowgirl8238

charlotte989875 said:

Even though I disagree with the DD (and the "bless your heart", please many of us live/have lived in the south we know what that really means) I do think this got a little out of hand. Assuming she shouldn't get married because the FILs had financial problems that involved her and her FI? Look you can have all the financial planning conversations and the things unexpectedly happen. Sometimes they are handled well, other times they're not, but I guess I just don't see the red flags here other poster(s?) do. My reading of it was the FILs had money problems, their son stepped in to help, that doesn't imply anything about the OP and her FI not having conversations about their finances or plans after the wedding. 

OP I do hope you stick around or reconsider. This really can be a great source of info and many of us have lots of experience with planning, families, and weddings. 

I was one of the posters that feels that her statement about him making the mortgage payments was a red flag...I say that as more of a, it is something to be aware of and to discuss before getting married, not an end-all-be-all.  At that point she hadn't made fully clear how far in the past it was or for how long it happened (plus she later added the medical bills into the mix too).  Maybe I read too far into and assumed that he does this all the time, but I still think it is something that needs to be discussed and ground rules need to be set. 

That said, I do not agree with CMG's assessment of "not ready to be married" and I feel that it is said too often around here.  I guess to me it was just something that OP and her FI needed to have discussed and without her having said that it WAS discussed I wanted to point it out to the OP.

short+sassy

I know the OP is gone, but some of the FMIL actions are just "wow!".  Holding a family reunion the same weekend as the wedding, when not all the family is invited to the wedding.  Talk about causing hurt feelings!!!  And I could just see people booking flights and hotels, assuming they are coming for both the wedding and the reunion, only to find out too late they are not invited to the wedding.  Not to mention, what an awkward position to put her son in.

And why in the world does the FMIL think it is her FDIL's responsibility to book and PAY FOR a stylist?  That is just outlandish.

CMGragain

Ease up, guys.  I didn't say that the OP should never get married.  You are reading way too much into my post.  I said that she isn't ready to get married because she and her FI haven't agreed on financial issues, some of them BIG ones.  I also said that they should look into financial counseling.  Once they do this, if they agree on their priorities, they will then be ready to be married.

CMGragain

CMGragain said:

Please do not go through with your wedding plans until you sit down with your FI and a financial counselor and work out the ground rules.  Until you do, you are not ready to get married.  So many marriages break up because of financial issues.  Get this settled before taking another step!

I get it, that you are focused on your wedding activities, but it is more important that you prepare to be a future wife than a future bride.  It sounds like your FI's family has always had boundary issues.  They won't go away after you are married.

Some of you are reading too much into this.  It is good advice.

Jen4948

CMGragain said:

Ease up, guys.  I didn't say that the OP should never get married.  You are reading way too much into my post.  I said that she isn't ready to get married because she and her FI haven't agreed on financial issues, some of them BIG ones.  I also said that they should look into financial counseling.  Once they do this, if they agree on their priorities, they will then be ready to be married.

As the OP said, she's been having these discussions with her FI ALL ALONG.

It's not your place to decide on anyone else's "readiness to be married" based on whether or not they spell out for you whether or not these discussions are taking place, because they are private and none of your business.

You're putting a lot of time and energy into harsh judgments of other people in this forum. Knock it off.

CMGragain

While I may have offended some people, unintentionally, I do think people are noticing that you are stalking me.  Stop it.

Jen4948

If you pass uncalled-for negative judgment in every single thread you post in, I'm afraid you're going to get called out on it.

geebee908

It's also a stretch to say someone's stalking you if you're both active on many of the boards in this forum. You just keep coming back to these threads to have the last word. Trump could learn a thing or two about doubling-down from you.

charlotte989875

CMGragain said:

CMGragain said:

Please do not go through with your wedding plans until you sit down with your FI and a financial counselor and work out the ground rules.  Until you do, you are not ready to get married.  So many marriages break up because of financial issues.  Get this settled before taking another step!

I get it, that you are focused on your wedding activities, but it is more important that you prepare to be a future wife than a future bride.  It sounds like your FI's family has always had boundary issues.  They won't go away after you are married.

Some of you are reading too much into this.  It is good advice.

I think this comes off harsher than its intended TBH. Telling someone they're not ready to get married and they should not go through with the wedding plans is a pretty strong statement to make. Especially without all the information. 

I also don't get the stalking comment; is something happening we're not seeing on the boards? Because I don't really think Jen's comments are out of line. 

MesmrEwe

I primarily came for the bat signal...

Suggesting couples attend premarital counseling is always in order even for a couple with everything going for them in their relationship - one of the topics is finances that couples should discuss.  CMG has been married a heck of a lot longer than any of us and has watched many marriages fall apart (the longer you're married the more you'll sadly see this - the worst are the ones who never reach out when a lifeline is in order and announce to the masses "divorce is finalized - oh - you're invited to the wedding of ___ next month!" while everyone is trying to process!).  Finances and communication are the two leading causes of divorce.   When a poster states that their FI is paying their parents' mortgage payment as well as the FIL's telling the future couple how to spend any potential gift money from the wedding (gifts are never expected), there's red-flags to be had that "make sure you've got this worked out and boundaries set up before saying the I-Do's!" isn't unreasonable as there have been MANY knotties and nesties over the years who didn't that have come on to try to figure out how to set those boundaries after the fact, and planning the marriage should always come before planning the wedding.  Does it come across as harsh, probably, but sometimes harsh needs to be.  

Jen4948

MesmrEwe said:

I primarily came for the bat signal...

Suggesting couples attend premarital counseling is always in order even for a couple with everything going for them in their relationship - one of the topics is finances that couples should discuss.  CMG has been married a heck of a lot longer than any of us and has watched many marriages fall apart (the longer you're married the more you'll sadly see this - the worst are the ones who never reach out when a lifeline is in order and announce to the masses "divorce is finalized - oh - you're invited to the wedding of ___ next month!" while everyone is trying to process!).  Finances and communication are the two leading causes of divorce.   When a poster states that their FI is paying their parents' mortgage payment as well as the FIL's telling the future couple how to spend any potential gift money from the wedding (gifts are never expected), there's red-flags to be had that "make sure you've got this worked out and boundaries set up before saying the I-Do's!" isn't unreasonable as there have been MANY knotties and nesties over the years who didn't that have come on to try to figure out how to set those boundaries after the fact, and planning the marriage should always come before planning the wedding.  Does it come across as harsh, probably, but sometimes harsh needs to be.  

Suggesting counseling for engaged couples is one thing, but suggesting that two people "aren't ready to be married" was out of line.

climbingsingle

Jen4948 said:

MesmrEwe said:

I primarily came for the bat signal...

Suggesting couples attend premarital counseling is always in order even for a couple with everything going for them in their relationship - one of the topics is finances that couples should discuss.  CMG has been married a heck of a lot longer than any of us and has watched many marriages fall apart (the longer you're married the more you'll sadly see this - the worst are the ones who never reach out when a lifeline is in order and announce to the masses "divorce is finalized - oh - you're invited to the wedding of ___ next month!" while everyone is trying to process!).  Finances and communication are the two leading causes of divorce.   When a poster states that their FI is paying their parents' mortgage payment as well as the FIL's telling the future couple how to spend any potential gift money from the wedding (gifts are never expected), there's red-flags to be had that "make sure you've got this worked out and boundaries set up before saying the I-Do's!" isn't unreasonable as there have been MANY knotties and nesties over the years who didn't that have come on to try to figure out how to set those boundaries after the fact, and planning the marriage should always come before planning the wedding.  Does it come across as harsh, probably, but sometimes harsh needs to be.  

Suggesting counseling for engaged couples is one thing, but suggesting that two people "aren't ready to be married" was out of line.

Totally agree. But I guess I should be careful of my criticism of CMG, because I too get accused to stalking her any time I call her out for things like this. It's one thing to suggest counseling, and an entirely different thing to tell someone they're not ready to get married. 

Jen4948

climbingwife said:

Jen4948 said:

MesmrEwe said:

I primarily came for the bat signal...

Suggesting couples attend premarital counseling is always in order even for a couple with everything going for them in their relationship - one of the topics is finances that couples should discuss.  CMG has been married a heck of a lot longer than any of us and has watched many marriages fall apart (the longer you're married the more you'll sadly see this - the worst are the ones who never reach out when a lifeline is in order and announce to the masses "divorce is finalized - oh - you're invited to the wedding of ___ next month!" while everyone is trying to process!).  Finances and communication are the two leading causes of divorce.   When a poster states that their FI is paying their parents' mortgage payment as well as the FIL's telling the future couple how to spend any potential gift money from the wedding (gifts are never expected), there's red-flags to be had that "make sure you've got this worked out and boundaries set up before saying the I-Do's!" isn't unreasonable as there have been MANY knotties and nesties over the years who didn't that have come on to try to figure out how to set those boundaries after the fact, and planning the marriage should always come before planning the wedding.  Does it come across as harsh, probably, but sometimes harsh needs to be.  

Suggesting counseling for engaged couples is one thing, but suggesting that two people "aren't ready to be married" was out of line.

Totally agree. But I guess I should be careful of my criticism of CMG, because I too get accused to stalking her any time I call her out for things like this. It's one thing to suggest counseling, and an entirely different thing to tell someone they're not ready to get married. 

Couldn't have put it better myself.

It's actually quite rare when someone posts something that reveals themselves to be so immature that they're not ready to get married. Certainly there was nothing in the OP's posts that indicated that.