Who's a good girl?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend loves me, is unfailingly kind, self-identifies as a feminist, and is always interested in and supportive of my academic work. Here’s the weird part: He says “good girl” to me, usually when I’ve done something to take care of myself, like put my glasses on when my eyes are tired, or get to sleep and wake up at a reasonable hour. We live together and I adore him, and honestly, I like the “good girl” thing, at least to some extent. I am an approval-craving person, by nature and even though I don’t need it, I love to be validated. I wouldn’t want him to say it in front of anyone but I do feel guilty, because liking it makes me feel like I’m some kind of sick, weird throwback or that he is. (He doesn’t say it in bed; it’s not a sex thing.) What do you think? Is it a warning sign? Is it OK?

—The Good Girl

charlotte989875

This would NEVER fly with me; it would weird me out and make me ragey. 

However, if LW likes it, doesn't feel demeaned, and is comfortable with the dynamics of their relationship, then cool. You do you.

The feeling guilty part might be a red flag, but it could also be that she feels like she's supposed to be uncomfortable with this, and feeling guilty that she likes it?

kimmiinthemitten

I'm just going to refer to Charlotte for all advice this week!

charlotte989875

kimmiinthemitten said:

I'm just going to refer to Charlotte for all advice this week!

I think in a past life I was an advice columnist. 

ei34

Im not in the relationship, so I can't fully understand the dynamic, but the examples LW gave of times when her bf uses "good girl" seem more parent-child than SOs.  I don't think it's a throwback to another era as much as something I say to DDs when they pee on the potty or color on paper and not the walls.  Again, I may be misjudging the dynamic...and the relationship LW describes other than the "good girl" thing sounds lovely.  But the instances in which the bf uses it are strange.  The approval/validation thing could be bf praising a delicious dinner LW made, or terrific restaurant recommendation, or work accomplishments instead.

justsie

Maybe he just doesn't know how to word his praise any other way? It is certainly weird but it sounds like LW is only guilty because she doesn't mine/enjoys it but she feels like she should. Girl do you.

Now my H rapping under his breath to the point I think he is talking to me or answering a question, that will educe rage. 

sparklepants41

charlotte989875 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I'm just going to refer to Charlotte for all advice this week!

I think in a past life I was an advice columnist. 

Honestly you have been so on fire lately. 

charlotte989875

sparklepants41 said:

charlotte989875 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I'm just going to refer to Charlotte for all advice this week!

I think in a past life I was an advice columnist. 

Honestly you have been so on fire lately. 

I'm just really good at telling people what to do with their lives. 

thefanciestbeckler

I would HATE this. I'd end a relationship over it.

But @charlotte989875's got it covered as far as actual advice to the LW goes.

MissKittyDanger

Despite the fact that @charlotte989875  is 1000% right, I'm wondering if LW has mentioned about it to their spouse? Even if it's an "doesn't bother me but wondering why you do it" kinda deal

bleve0821

I say "Good girl" to Hiccup when she has a pee in the yard.  I would probably lose my mind if DH ever said that to me in a way that wasn't anything more than a joke, let alone repeatedly for "good behavior."

No idea if it's a warning sign of anything (he may not even be aware of what he's saying), but it's so weirdly patronizing and borderline controlling that I'd be getting the hell outta Dodge if it were me.  It isn't, so LW should do LW.

......

But seriously, how does this conversation even go?  "Honey, my eyes were tired so I swapped out my contacts for my glasses.  Thought you ought to know."  "Good girl."

Honestly, I can't hear this in any voice but the one we use with the dogs.  

ETF word

MissKittyDanger

AtomicBlonde said:

But seriously, how does this conversation even go?  "Honey, my eyes were tired so I swapped out my contacts for my glasses.  Thought you ought to know."  "Good girl."

LMAO!
I think if I said this, I would be sarcastic about it.

Joney

^^ That's all I could think of with the subject line

I think Charlotte nailed it.  The only red flag would be if she asked him to stop and he didn't, IMO. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I'm just going to refer to Charlotte for all advice this week!

I think in a past life I was an advice columnist. 

That would be my dream job, lol.

short+sassy

My H says "good girl" to me occasionally.  It's fine, though I can't think of an example.  And I think it would start to bother me if it was a lot, instead of occasional.

But then, I call myself a "good girl" sometimes.  Half joking.  Like I'll come home from work and announce, "I was a good girl today!  I did x, y, z."  Or similar with the word "wife" like, "Look what a good wife I am, I brought home Banh Mis for dinner!"

I think the LW is looking for problems where there isn't one.  Sure, understandably a lot of women would find that creepy.  But she doesn't.  She likes that he calls her "good girl".  I'm sure he picks up that she likes that.  So he continues to do it and might have even started doing it more often, because it pleases her.  Sounds like a "good boy" to me.

baconsmom

I don't understand how this *isn't* a sex thing, but...well. I read a lot of BDSM romance. 

drunkenwitch

Umm, only person on this planet ever says "good girl" to me, my Dad and very rarely.  I think sometimes it just slips out because I'm his daughter.

She should start saying "good boy" back to him whenever he does something. 

Subwayloves

I say "good boy" to H, but it's always in a sarcastic/joking manner, usually when he tells me he did something I would expect him to do.
H: "I put the dishes in the dishwasher."
Me: "Good boy!"

If my husband ever said "good girl" to me seriously, I'd be weirded out. If I were LW, I'd be asking why he's saying that.

artbyallie

baconsmom said:

I don't understand how this *isn't* a sex thing, but...well. I read a lot of BDSM romance. 

It totally sounded like something a couple in a BDSM relationship would include as a regular thing. Or, actually, like something some of my friends who struggle with depression would ask for. One of them made 'I adulted today' stickers recently that say things like 'I got dressed' and 'I ate healthy food' because they legitimately make her/others feel good about themselves.

drunkenwitch

baconsmom said:

I don't understand how this *isn't* a sex thing, but...well. I read a lot of BDSM romance. 

Please tell me it's Kushiels Dart and not that thing we do not speak of.

And eta, no one says good girl to me, not even in a scene.

Heffalump

This feels like a non-problem, to me.  She's fine with it.  He's fine with it.  He's a good guy.  They're happy.  So...?

It wouldn't work for me, but that's why people don't run their relationships by committee.

MissKittyDanger

Heffalump said:

This feels like a non-problem, to me.  She's fine with it.  He's fine with it.  He's a good boy.  They're happy.  So...?

It wouldn't work for me, but that's why people don't run their relationships by committee.

FTFY

cowgirl8238

I have seen this billboard every morning on my commute to work this month.  I had to snap a photo this am (DH was driving since we carpool).

-I agree with others, if it works for them I don't see an issue.  I kind of wonder if it does bother the LW a little but though since she did write in to Prudie.

VarunaTT

Sometimes, this is where a person needs reminding that feminism means you get to enjoy all the things and choices.  If she didn't like it, told him to stop, and he didn't, then yeah, that's a problem.  But she likes it and she's just weirded out b/c she thinks someone else would think its weird/gross/icky/dehumanizng.  Well, WTFever.  I'm sure if someone was looking inside any of our homes/relationships, there's plenty for someone else not involved to get squicked about too.  Let it go, LW.

sparklepants41

cowgirl8238 said:

I have seen this billboard every morning on my commute to work this month.  I had to snap a photo this am (DH was driving since we carpool).

-I agree with others, if it works for them I don't see an issue.  I kind of wonder if it does bother the LW a little but though since she did write in to Prudie.

I think it's hilarious that the "good girl" billboard is right next to a billboard trying to get people out of debt. 

cowgirl8238

sparklepants41 said:

cowgirl8238 said:

I have seen this billboard every morning on my commute to work this month.  I had to snap a photo this am (DH was driving since we carpool).

-I agree with others, if it works for them I don't see an issue.  I kind of wonder if it does bother the LW a little but though since she did write in to Prudie.

I think it's hilarious that the "good girl" billboard is right next to a billboard trying to get people out of debt. 

You know, I have never really noticed that part?  I usually just make a joke to my DH about him having to buy me diamonds.  Which is typically followed by eye rolling.  That one on the right will change monthly but is still sponsored by the same jewelry company.

Last month the billboard said something like "Buy her what she deserves" to which his response was "The only thing I'll give you is a pearl necklace!" He got 'the look' for that one.  But it is a running joke between us (never anything mean).

short+sassy

cowgirl8238 said:

sparklepants41 said:

cowgirl8238 said:

I have seen this billboard every morning on my commute to work this month.  I had to snap a photo this am (DH was driving since we carpool).

-I agree with others, if it works for them I don't see an issue.  I kind of wonder if it does bother the LW a little but though since she did write in to Prudie.

I think it's hilarious that the "good girl" billboard is right next to a billboard trying to get people out of debt. 

You know, I have never really noticed that part?  I usually just make a joke to my DH about him having to buy me diamonds.  Which is typically followed by eye rolling.  That one on the right will change monthly but is still sponsored by the same jewelry company.

Last month the billboard said something like "Buy her what she deserves" to which his response was "The only thing I'll give you is a pearl necklace!" He got 'the look' for that one.  But it is a running joke between us (never anything mean).

There is a Family Guy scene, that My H and I were dying of laughter over the first time we saw it.  At the time, there was a jewelry store commercial where it was the head shadows of a man/woman.  He gives her a ring case and you see her shadow give him a hug (something like that).  With a caption under it that said (I think), "Diamonds...make two month's salary last forever".

In the Family Guy version, the first part of the commercial is the same, but then the woman's head "mysteriously" ducks down.  With a caption that said, "Diamonds...she'll pretty much have to."

MissKittyDanger

short+sassy said:

cowgirl8238 said:

sparklepants41 said:

cowgirl8238 said:

I have seen this billboard every morning on my commute to work this month.  I had to snap a photo this am (DH was driving since we carpool).

-I agree with others, if it works for them I don't see an issue.  I kind of wonder if it does bother the LW a little but though since she did write in to Prudie.

I think it's hilarious that the "good girl" billboard is right next to a billboard trying to get people out of debt. 

You know, I have never really noticed that part?  I usually just make a joke to my DH about him having to buy me diamonds.  Which is typically followed by eye rolling.  That one on the right will change monthly but is still sponsored by the same jewelry company.

Last month the billboard said something like "Buy her what she deserves" to which his response was "The only thing I'll give you is a pearl necklace!" He got 'the look' for that one.  But it is a running joke between us (never anything mean).

There is a Family Guy scene, that My H and I were dying of laughter over the first time we saw it.  At the time, there was a jewelry store commercial where it was the head shadows of a man/woman.  He gives her a ring case and you see her shadow give him a hug (something like that).  With a caption under it that said (I think), "Diamonds...make two month's salary last forever".

In the Family Guy version, the first part of the commercial is the same, but then the woman's head "mysteriously" ducks down.  With a caption that said, "Diamonds...she'll pretty much have to."

have you seen the comedian Ron White? He talks about the DeBeer's commercials. If not, look it up :P

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

There is a Family Guy scene, that My H and I were dying of laughter over the first time we saw it.  At the time, there was a jewelry store commercial where it was the head shadows of a man/woman.  He gives her a ring case and you see her shadow give him a hug (something like that).  With a caption under it that said (I think), "Diamonds...make two month's salary last forever".

In the Family Guy version, the first part of the commercial is the same, but then the woman's head "mysteriously" ducks down.  With a caption that said, "Diamonds...she'll pretty much have to."

have you seen the comedian Ron White? He talks about the DeBeer's commercials. If not, look it up :P

Thanks for the tip!  I'll have to check it out.

cowgirl8238

short+sassy said:

There is a Family Guy scene, that My H and I were dying of laughter over the first time we saw it.  At the time, there was a jewelry store commercial where it was the head shadows of a man/woman.  He gives her a ring case and you see her shadow give him a hug (something like that).  With a caption under it that said (I think), "Diamonds...make two month's salary last forever".

In the Family Guy version, the first part of the commercial is the same, but then the woman's head "mysteriously" ducks down.  With a caption that said, "Diamonds...she'll pretty much have to."

We have made that joke more times than I can count!  I love Family Guy, lol!

baconsmom

drunkenwitch said:

baconsmom said:

I don't understand how this *isn't* a sex thing, but...well. I read a lot of BDSM romance. 

Please tell me it's Kushiels Dart and not that thing we do not speak of.

And eta, no one says good girl to me, not even in a scene.

The thing we do not speak of isn't BDSM, so there's that.

It's Jenny Trout, the Boss series, mainly. I try out some others, but usually don't do so well.