Here's a dating site idea

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 
I’m a 64-year-old man from Los Angeles who has been married for 38 years to a great lady. About 10 years ago, she contracted a form of cancer that rendered her disabled, and we stopped being intimate. Her life now consists of going to get treatment a few times a week and maybe going to the grocery store. She doesn’t have energy for much else, as she gets weaker every year. I will stay with her until the end.

My wife has asked me several times to find a gal-pal or friend with benefits, and says she would be more than fine with this arrangement. For the last eight years my New Year’s resolution was to find a girlfriend to spend time with. I’ve been very slow to make progress, even though I’ve stopped wearing a wedding ring and try to chat up age-appropriate women.

So how do I go about finding a gal-pal if I’m married? I don’t think a website geared toward cheaters is the answer (since I’ve got my wife’s OK and I’m not really looking for a friend with benefits). I was thinking of using a senior dating service like OurTime, but noticed that this and similar sites are for singles only. I really like live theater and see about 30 shows a year; my typical companion is a book. There must be lots of sixtysomething women in L.A. who would like a gentleman friend for going to plays and musicals. How do I make a connection without misrepresenting myself? Thanks for your help!

—Looking for Companionship

kimmiinthemitten

Are you sure your wife is really fine with this arrangement?  I'm not judging, but if she's not and just saying this this could be really harmful to both of your mental health in the time she has left.

I'd love to see dude's profile though.

charlotte989875

This makes me sad for the LW and his wife. I think keep talking to women at the shows (maybe put down the book?) and if something happens, it happens. 

OliveOilsMom

Kimmi - I would say the wife is ok with it as LW said she has brought it up and not him.

If the LW has the time in between caring for wife and taking her to appointments, if he can volunteer somewhere (I'm assuming he is retired).  He may be able to find someone that way.  Or maybe even a care givers group, where he could talk out things with other people in the same situation.  Perhaps there is someone who is in the same situation as him - has been given permission to find a FWB but doesn't know where to start.

I do think LW needs to tread carefully.  He wants to stay devoted to his wife until the end, but sometimes cultivating new relationships - even more platonic ones can be very time consuming. 

short+sassy

For the LW, I think there are a lot of dating websites where "technically" a person is supposed to be single, but nobody is going to refund his money and deactivate his profile.  Just sign up on the ones he likes and be honest about the situation in his profile.  Most dating websites also allow you to choose the type of relationship someone is looking for.  In his case, "casual".

Different reason, same situation.  I had a married friend in college whose wife gave him permission and encouraged him to find sex elsewhere.  She grew up in a culture where men have sex with their wives to procreate and have sex for fun with mistresses/prostitutes.  She personally didn't really like sex (I can't help but feel this was psychological from her upbringing) and never wanted to engage in it, outside of TTCing.

Obviously this was a major marital problem!  At first he was digging the solution that it was okay with her if he had sex with other women.  But, the more he thought about it, the unhappier he was.  He didn't want to have sex with other women.  He wanted to have sex with her.  The woman he loved.

I strongly encouraged they seek counseling.  Hopefully she could get to a place where sex was at least more tolerable.  But, to her, there was no problem that she hadn't already given a solution to.  He never brought it up again and we lost touch after college, so I'm not sure what happened to them.

baconsmom

OKCupid or Tinder. OKCupid will actually let polyam couples link their profiles, so it's super-ok to be married on there. And Tinder is Tinder, but you can say in your allotted 500 words that you're married, right up front. 

The main thing is to get it out there ASAP, because there are plenty of people who won't mind, but there are also plenty who will. He'll have to understand that a lot of women will just peace out on it, especially in his age-range. 

OurWildKingdom

baconsmom said:

OKCupid or Tinder. OKCupid will actually let polyam couples link their profiles, so it's super-ok to be married on there. And Tinder is Tinder, but you can say in your allotted 500 words that you're married, right up front. 

The main thing is to get it out there ASAP, because there are plenty of people who won't mind, but there are also plenty who will. He'll have to understand that a lot of women will just peace out on it, especially in his age-range. 

Another vote for OKCupid. I used it before I met FW and highly recommend it to anyone who asks. I actually met two platonic friends that way, in addition to having some fun dates and a brief relationship.