Bridesmaid question

Knottie1441058317

I had a bridesmaid bail on two bridesmaid dress appointments within the half hour of the appointment. I then told her she will have to go on her own as I have a weird work schedule, and she never did. This was in the fall. I've had multiple group chats about other bridal accessories. She never responded. Fast forward to now, two months before the wedding... And she all of a sudden wants to participate. 

I was told she never reached out to the other girls to help with the planning of the shower, which is all done being planned.

She claims no one communicated with her, and I'll take some responsibility. I don't feel it's my job to continually nag her to get a dress, or remind her to reach out. (especially because a mutual friend was doing just that on his own.) She's been a bride before, so it's not like this process is new to her. 

I just don't know what to do. 

geebee908

Knottie1441058317 said:

I had a bridesmaid bail on two bridesmaid dress appointments within the half hour of the appointment. I then told her she will have to go on her own as I have a weird work schedule, and she never did. This was in the fall. I've had multiple group chats about other bridal accessories. She never responded. Fast forward to now, two months before the wedding... And she all of a sudden wants to participate. 

I was told she never reached out to the other girls to help with the planning of the shower, which is all done being planned.

She claims no one communicated with her, and I'll take some responsibility. I don't feel it's my job to continually nag her to get a dress, or remind her to reach out. (especially because a mutual friend was doing just that on his own.) She's been a bride before, so it's not like this process is new to her. 

I just don't know what to do. 

Let her handle getting the dress on her own. If she needs to pay rush fees to get it because she couldn't be bothered with it until now, that's on her. If she doesn't get it, she's still invited to the wedding, and you can decide whether she stands up with you in a dress that doesn't match the others or not. She'd have to understand that's part of the deal to be a bridesmaid.

She didn't offer to help plan the shower and she didn't have to offer. If she'd like to help out now, just tell her to contact the host(s) to see if there is anything she can help with leading up to the party. If she doesn't, she can come as a guest.

ei34

There's nothing for you to do regarding the shower.  The host(s)/other members of the BP seem to have that planned, and the friend in question isn't required to help with that.  Two of my sister's BMs didn't even attend her shower...none of them helped me plan it (I was the MOH).

The only thing for you to do re the dress is let her know the absolute last day she has to order it.
ETA: don't stress about not being able to accompany her to buy her BM dress due to your work schedule.  This isn't something you have to be present for.  I wasn't with any of my WP members when they bought theirs.

lovesclimbing

Knottie1441058317 said:

I had a bridesmaid bail on two bridesmaid dress appointments within the half hour of the appointment. I then told her she will have to go on her own as I have a weird work schedule, and she never did. This was in the fall. I've had multiple group chats about other bridal accessories. She never responded. Fast forward to now, two months before the wedding... And she all of a sudden wants to participate. 

I was told she never reached out to the other girls to help with the planning of the shower, which is all done being planned.

She claims no one communicated with her, and I'll take some responsibility. I don't feel it's my job to continually nag her to get a dress, or remind her to reach out. (especially because a mutual friend was doing just that on his own.) She's been a bride before, so it's not like this process is new to her. 

I just don't know what to do. 

Re: bailing. It's really annoying when people flake like that. Is she generally a flaky person? If so, she's not going to change just for your wedding. Did you edit your post? I seem to remember reading something about them being able to get any style as long as it was x color. That should be pretty easy to do on her own. You should just let that one go and if she doesn't get the dress, she has effectively taken herself out of the wedding party. 

Re: group chats and bridal accessories. This isn't really necessary. What bridal accessories are you talking about? Some people dislike group chats and checking when a new message pops up only to see some other person just saying "ok" to the bride. Bridal accessories doesn't really need to be a discussion. You shouldn't be dictating hair styles, makeup, jewelry or shoes unless you are buying or paying for it. If you're not buying that for them, all you need to do is send out "wear any dress shoe in black." If you are dictating and paying for those things, that's fine, but maybe she doesn't care about the discussion. Whatever jewelry or whatever you give her, she will wear. I don't see this as a problem. 

Re: communicating. This is on her. It is not the bridal shower planners' responsibility to reach out to her to ask if she wants to help. It's her responsibility to reach out and tell them she wants to plan a shower or be involved if one is already being planned. If she says no one communicated with her, I would respond with something along the lines of, "Typically, people don't ask other people to help because they don't want to create a sense of obligation if they're not able to or don't want to help. If you want, I'd reach out to them and ask if there's anything you can be involved with. Even though the planning is over, I'm sure there's still other things to help with."  And there probably are. Decorating, bringing food (at least in my circle, showers aren't catered/held at a restaurant), buying supplies, etc. 

In short, I would do nothing. No, you shouldn't be nagging her about the dress. Either she'll get it or she won't. And if she doesn't, she's not in the wedding. If she complains about people not coommunicating, say what I wrote above, and then drop it. Talk about other things. 

Also, just because she is not super involved with dress appointments, showers or any of the other stereotypical bridesmaid activities does not want mean she wants out of the wedding. Before your edit, you said something about asking her if she wanted to be in the wedding or not and she could always be a guest. Don't do that! If she wants out of the wedding, she'll either let you know or take herself out of the wedding by showing up in the wrong dress. Asking her that just makes her feel like she's doing something wrong when she may just be busy or strapped for cash (she hasn't done anything wrong except for bailing on the dress appointments. And that's not wrong of her as a bridesmaid, but rather just wrong of her as a friend) or it makes it sound like you don't want her in the bridal party. 

Means finally, I seem to remember before your edit that she's your sister? Especially don't kick her out!

Knottie1441058317

Thanks. Yes I edited it because my phone is ancient and it wasn't going through. I thought there was a character limit or something. So I shortened it. I would never dictate accessories, it was just a discussion on ideas and what the girls would be comfortable with! (like with the dresses, as long as it was the same color) 


This is all great advice and I appreciate all of the input!