What do we say?

Alcove41517

Yesterday, FI and I drove to what was supposed to be a friends wedding. It was over an hour away and was supposed to start at 3. When we arrived at 2:45, nothing was set up, and there were only maybe 20 or so guests, mostly elderly. We waited and made small talk for another 30 minutes, but when no one came out to explain what was going on, I sent a text to a friend from high school, who was a bridesmaid. She was confused, saying the wedding was cancelled! Apparently the bride and groom decided to elope 2 weeks ago, only announcing on Facebook. I do not have a Facebook. I'm assuming the other guests that showed up do not have one either. At this point, I do not plan to send their gift, but do I say anything to them?

ernursej

That is really unfortunate and rude to not follow up with each guest to let them know that plans changed.

I would certainly follow up with your friend. I would come from an approach of concern. "Friend, I'm calling to make sure everything is okay. I showed up at for your wedding on ____ and found out that you had eloped 2 weeks prior. I hope that nothing serious has happened."

You can decide whether or not to send a gift. If you would have sent a gift regardless of being present and had already wrapped the gift, I might send. Hopefully there was a seriously good reason why this happened and why they could not call up each guest.

If you don't like the response you get, this was a friendship ending move in my mind. You are well within your right to be upset.  

Alcove41517

ernursej said:

That is really unfortunate and rude to not follow up with each guest to let them know that plans changed.

I would certainly follow up with your friend. I would come from an approach of concern. "Friend, I'm calling to make sure everything is okay. I showed up at for your wedding on ____ and found out that you had eloped 2 weeks prior. I hope that nothing serious has happened."

You can decide whether or not to send a gift. If you would have sent a gift regardless of being present and had already wrapped the gift, I might send. Hopefully there was a seriously good reason why this happened and why they could not call up each guest.

If you don't like the response you get, this was a friendship ending move in my mind. You are well within your right to be upset.  

The friend that I texted sent me a screenshot of the Facebook post, and apparently they just didn't feel like waiting. Bridesmaid felt horrible that she didn't tell us, but forgot I wasn't on Facebook. Not her fault at all, of course. I may follow up with the bride, at the very least to make sure she knows a number of guests were there for her. 

ei34

If this was my friend I'd definitely reach out.  I'd congratulate her, then let her know I was hurt to have not been told, and then that I felt super inconvenienced.  The couple owe you and all the other guests an apology.  I wouldn't send a gift.

greeninspring

The title of your post is perfect because I am literally speechless. That is so unbelievably rude and inconsiderate not to contact each guest and let them know it's been cancelled. Lots of my friends and family don't have Facebook and to think that would suffice seems crazy to me. 

flantastic

Tell her she might want to apologize to her elderly friends and family.

banana468

They just couldn't wait??  

It's a wedding - not a hot brownie.    Before you decide to dive in maybe they should have considered whether or not the idea was half baked.   

levioosa

Alcove41517 said:

Yesterday, FI and I drove to what was supposed to be a friends wedding. It was over an hour away and was supposed to start at 3. When we arrived at 2:45, nothing was set up, and there were only maybe 20 or so guests, mostly elderly. We waited and made small talk for another 30 minutes, but when no one came out to explain what was going on, I sent a text to a friend from high school, who was a bridesmaid. She was confused, saying the wedding was cancelled! Apparently the bride and groom decided to elope 2 weeks ago, only announcing on Facebook. I do not have a Facebook. I'm assuming the other guests that showed up do not have one either. At this point, I do not plan to send their gift, but do I say anything to them?

What. The. Fuck. I like Ernurse's wording because I feel like it gives a little shade. And then I would drop these friends, because that is a level of rude and inconsiderate I don't even know how to deal with. 

downtondiva

ernursej said:

That is really unfortunate and rude to not follow up with each guest to let them know that plans changed.

I would certainly follow up with your friend. I would come from an approach of concern. "Friend, I'm calling to make sure everything is okay. I showed up at for your wedding on ____ and found out that you had eloped 2 weeks prior. I hope that nothing serious has happened."

You can decide whether or not to send a gift. If you would have sent a gift regardless of being present and had already wrapped the gift, I might send. Hopefully there was a seriously good reason why this happened and why they could not call up each guest.

If you don't like the response you get, this was a friendship ending move in my mind. You are well within your right to be upset.  

I completely agree with this. Anyone who would inconvenience you and totally disregard your feelings like this does not deserve your friendship. 

southernbelle0915

I'm somewhere between @eileenrob and @flantastic - I see no issue with telling these people that they hurt and inconvenienced you. They did! And they should know just how many other people showed up and were also inconvenienced.

I'm not saying tell them off, but it's not rude to be honest and direct. No need to be passive aggressive about it. Especially if you plan to distance yourself in the future. 

charlotte989875

This is terrible behavior, I would absolutely say something and I probably wouldn't be subtle by checking to see if everything was okay. I would be direct; "Friend, I'm hurt, and we and the other guests that showed up were extremely inconvenienced by your decision not to inform all your guests that you cancelled the wedding. We were excited to celebrate with you, and are happy that you are married, but disappointed you didn't inform us before hand". 

I definitely wouldn't send a gift and I'd probably let the friendship fade. 

missJeanLouise

First, the whole "we couldn't wait" excuse doesn't hold water for me. Can you imagine that amount of money you would lose if you chose to cancelled your wedding 2 weeks before the wedding!?!?! Who would just throw thousands of dollars out the window because they are impatient!?

Second, I would be so mad and hurt. How self centered of them to not even take the time to notify their guest list! I would have no problem calling the bride/groom and asking where they were on Saturday because they need to be confronted by the consequences of their rude behavior. They should have to answer why there were 20 inconvenienced people. And Helll no, would I give them a gift or continue to be friends with them*. 

*exception if they decided to marry early because of a family emergency or some other legitimate reason. But they still should have contacted their guest list.

JediElizabeth

I agree with @missJeanLouise about the "couldn't wait" bit. Even if it was about sex (which is the only thing I can think it would be about), it doesn't make sense. Unless they were so stressed by wedding planning this was their way out of it....in which case they have some hard lessons about stress and pushing through ahead of them. 

I'd be so angry, I would be direct about the question and ending the friendship. "Friend, I'm really disappointed and angry that you took the time and care to invite us to your wedding, but then couldn't take the time to let us know it was cancelled. This is how it inconvenienced me.....Was there a reason?" 

And unless she or her new husband has been deployed or some other emergency came up, I'd say, "Clearly this friendship isn't as important as I thought it was. I need some time to cool off, but right now I feel like I can't be friends with someone who doesn't respect me and my FI enough to give us this basic consideration."

sparklepants41

banana468 said:

They just couldn't wait??  

It's a wedding - not a hot brownie.    Before you decide to dive in maybe they should have considered whether or not the idea was half baked.   

 I see what you did there  

Alcove41517

I called the bride this morning, coming from a place of concern, as @ernursej suggested. She did not answer, but texted me immediately. I told her we had gone to the wedding and were surprised when no wedding took place, so I wanted to make sure everything was okay and congratulate her on her marriage. She said she was sorry I missed the announcement (which is a very half-hearted apology if you ask me), and eventually admitted they got married 8 months ago and had cancelled their contracts shortly after, but only announced their marriage and wedding cancellation two weeks ago. It's just lies on top of lies covered in lies. She also said she felt as though the cancellation should have spread through word-of-mouth, and accepts no fault for guests not being informed. She's acting very defensive and I just don't see the point in any further contact with her. 

southernbelle0915

Ugh, I don't blame you. I'd let it fade too. Life's too short for shady, disingenuous people. 

greeninspring

Alcove41517 said:

I called the bride this morning, coming from a place of concern, as @ernursej suggested. She did not answer, but texted me immediately. I told her we had gone to the wedding and were surprised when no wedding took place, so I wanted to make sure everything was okay and congratulate her on her marriage. She said she was sorry I missed the announcement (which is a very half-hearted apology if you ask me), and eventually admitted they got married 8 months ago and had cancelled their contracts shortly after, but only announced their marriage and wedding cancellation two weeks ago. It's just lies on top of lies covered in lies. She also said she felt as though the cancellation should have spread through word-of-mouth, and accepts no fault for guests not being informed. She's acting very defensive and I just don't see the point in any further contact with her. 

Oh my gosh! This is just horrible. I hope she hadn't invited too many out of town guests that might have lost money on flight/hotel reservations since she didn't call it off till 2 weeks before. I just don't even understand the motive here at all for her not to tell her guests EIGHT months ago. My guess is that she has burnt a lot of bridges with her decisions. I would not continue this friendship. 

knottiej

Alcove41517 said:

I called the bride this morning, coming from a place of concern, as @ernursej suggested. She did not answer, but texted me immediately. I told her we had gone to the wedding and were surprised when no wedding took place, so I wanted to make sure everything was okay and congratulate her on her marriage. She said she was sorry I missed the announcement (which is a very half-hearted apology if you ask me), and eventually admitted they got married 8 months ago and had cancelled their contracts shortly after, but only announced their marriage and wedding cancellation two weeks ago. It's just lies on top of lies covered in lies. She also said she felt as though the cancellation should have spread through word-of-mouth, and accepts no fault for guests not being informed. She's acting very defensive and I just don't see the point in any further contact with her. 

Wow..just wow. What is the word for this, entitlement? Just a total lack of sense? I would not blame you for not sending a gift and doing a slow fade. But first I would text her and say you are returning her gift as a result...you couldn't wait to get ride of it.

missJeanLouise

Did they mail invitations 6-8 weeks out? Knowing there was going to be no wedding? Or did they invite people more than 8 Months in advance? I am so confused on how this happened. Their behavior is so disrespectful. 

Alcove41517

missJeanLouise said:

Did they mail invitations 6-8 weeks out? Knowing there was going to be no wedding? Or did they invite people more than 8 Months in advance? I am so confused on how this happened. Their behavior is so disrespectful. 

She actually let her MIL purchase and mail out the invitations. Bridesmaids bought dresses, groomsmen rented suits. I'm not sure if anyone else knows the wedding actually took place 8 months ago. I can't even pretend to understand their logic, and she clearly doesn't feel any obligation to explain herself. I know my friend that was her BM is annoyed, and she is under the impression the wedding happened 2 weeks ago.

redwoodoriginal

Pretty sure my response to her explanation text would have been"are you fucking kidding me?" and then never speak to them again. 

short+sassy

Alcove41517 said:

missJeanLouise said:

Did they mail invitations 6-8 weeks out? Knowing there was going to be no wedding? Or did they invite people more than 8 Months in advance? I am so confused on how this happened. Their behavior is so disrespectful. 

She actually let her MIL purchase and mail out the invitations. Bridesmaids bought dresses, groomsmen rented suits. I'm not sure if anyone else knows the wedding actually took place 8 months ago. I can't even pretend to understand their logic, and she clearly doesn't feel any obligation to explain herself. I know my friend that was her BM is annoyed, and she is under the impression the wedding happened 2 weeks ago.

Mind. Blown.

I don't understand the logic either of, apparently, planning a PPD.  But not even a PPD they were going to go through with.  Really bizarre.  Sounds like they were trying to trick their families for some reason that the wedding happened sooner, rather than a long time ago.  Since the MIL apparently didn't know either, since she was the one who sent the invites.

downtondiva

Alcove41517 said:

I called the bride this morning, coming from a place of concern, as @ernursej suggested. She did not answer, but texted me immediately. I told her we had gone to the wedding and were surprised when no wedding took place, so I wanted to make sure everything was okay and congratulate her on her marriage. She said she was sorry I missed the announcement (which is a very half-hearted apology if you ask me), and eventually admitted they got married 8 months ago and had cancelled their contracts shortly after, but only announced their marriage and wedding cancellation two weeks ago. It's just lies on top of lies covered in lies. She also said she felt as though the cancellation should have spread through word-of-mouth, and accepts no fault for guests not being informed. She's acting very defensive and I just don't see the point in any further contact with her. 

Yeahhhh I think it's time to be done with these people.

Ro041

Holy shit.  I would inform your friend you found out the wedding happened 8 months ago, but I would be feeling like a vindictive you-know-what if I found out this information.  I honestly can't believe any of this behavior.  It is so far outside of the bounds of decency that I just can't.  

SP29

Wow! So rude. I'd be super pissed.

The notice of cancellation should have been sent out in the same level of formality as their invitations were- either mail out a notice of cancellation, or at least call and directly talk to each guest. FB and word of mouth are not acceptable means of communication here.

Also interesting how she couldn't even talk to you on the phone, but was able to text you back right away. I feel like she knows she did wrong but can't own it.

You're right- lies upon lies. No gift, and I'd let this friendship fizzle (well it already has!).

missJeanLouise

Alcove41517 said:

missJeanLouise said:

Did they mail invitations 6-8 weeks out? Knowing there was going to be no wedding? Or did they invite people more than 8 Months in advance? I am so confused on how this happened. Their behavior is so disrespectful. 

She actually let her MIL purchase and mail out the invitations. Bridesmaids bought dresses, groomsmen rented suits. I'm not sure if anyone else knows the wedding actually took place 8 months ago. I can't even pretend to understand their logic, and she clearly doesn't feel any obligation to explain herself. I know my friend that was her BM is annoyed, and she is under the impression the wedding happened 2 weeks ago.

I don't have a gif that adequately expresses my shock and horror! I spit out my coffee and nearly fainted at the same time. (Note: it wasn't just her, the groom also lied to his mother and let her waste her time and money)

edited to change word

banana468

Alcove41517 said:

missJeanLouise said:

Did they mail invitations 6-8 weeks out? Knowing there was going to be no wedding? Or did they invite people more than 8 Months in advance? I am so confused on how this happened. Their behavior is so disrespectful. 

She actually let her MIL purchase and mail out the invitations. Bridesmaids bought dresses, groomsmen rented suits. I'm not sure if anyone else knows the wedding actually took place 8 months ago. I can't even pretend to understand their logic, and she clearly doesn't feel any obligation to explain herself. I know my friend that was her BM is annoyed, and she is under the impression the wedding happened 2 weeks ago.

That is unconscionable.

At that point I'd either not answer or absolutely confront her.   She felt it fine for her own MIL to continue the charade and it was fine for you to make the effort to attend but she couldn't be bothered to make the effort to cancel? 

I hope she really loves that husband of hers because with actions like that she may find herself with few others left. 

flantastic

southernbelle0915 said:

I'm somewhere between @eileenrob and @flantastic - I see no issue with telling these people that they hurt and inconvenienced you. They did! And they should know just how many other people showed up and were also inconvenienced.

I'm not saying tell them off, but it's not rude to be honest and direct. No need to be passive aggressive about it. Especially if you plan to distance yourself in the future. 

What I was going to say when I saw the tag was that I wasn't advocating being super confrontational, just in a way say, "Hey, I wasn't the only one who didn't hear, and some of them may be feeling offended for these reasons." As in trying to help out a friend, while letting them know how thoughtless they were.

With the updated info, though, sounds like she's not interested in that sort of thing. Bye, Felicia.

holyguacamole79

Damn. That's tacky. 

sparklepants41

This is horrendous! She'll be lucky if no one takes her to small claims court!

charlotte989875

I'd definitely let it slip to the BM that the wedding didn't take place two weeks ago, but rather 8 months prior. I'm sure that will spread via word of mouth a whole lot quicker than the cancelation did.