Wedding Woes

Fireproofing your marriage

DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
member
Not that anything is wrong with my marriage, but I got to thinking what are some things I can do to prevent there becoming something wrong. I saw a list of challenges on facebook and that sent me down the rabbit hole to The Love Dare. The first "dare" is to "say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret."

This dare just doesn't sit well with me. It feels like it's saying conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.

Thoughts?
MesmrEwe

Re: Fireproofing your marriage

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Is this that Kirk Cameron thing? 


    image
    charlotte989875justsie
  • you're quoting Frozen? :s
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    levioosa said:
    Is this that Kirk Cameron thing? 
    Yes it is. I'm not a fan of his, but communication isn't my strong suit so I just thought I'd see what it's about.
    *Barbie* said:
    you're quoting Frozen? :s
    I did. I hate that movie, but my original statement reminded me of it and I felt it fit.
  • 6fsn6fsn
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    Kirk Cameron was my first thought too.


  • justsiejustsie
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    I think that there are definitely things that you can do to start your marriage off on the right foot- I think that should/is a big part of pre-marital counseling. 

    I agree with your feelings about this "dare". I wonder if the intention was to exclude moments that are unnecessary- like a "stop and think about it first" thing and they just worded it poorly? Were the other "dares" good?
    image
    charlotte989875SP29
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    justsie said:
    I think that there are definitely things that you can do to start your marriage off on the right foot- I think that should/is a big part of pre-marital counseling. 

    I agree with your feelings about this "dare". I wonder if the intention was to exclude moments that are unnecessary- like a "stop and think about it first" thing and they just worded it poorly? Were the other "dares" good?
    Day 2 is still say nothing negative, but also do an unexpected act of kindness.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    levioosa said:
    I think the "say nothing negative to your spouse ever" bothers me because it reminds me of the conservative Christian push for women to be subservient. There's a big difference between nagging or being overtly negative and having SO snap at you and responding with something healthy and constructive. 
    That's why I'm not planning on doing these dares or challenges, because that's exactly what you described. I guess I just kind of flashed back to not being allowed to be angry at my ex-husband when we were married and how that's caused me to hold in when I'm angry at my H now. We can't fix things if we don't talk about them.
    short+sassySP29
  • levioosa said:
    I think the "say nothing negative to your spouse ever" bothers me because it reminds me of the conservative Christian push for women to be subservient. There's a big difference between nagging or being overtly negative and having SO snap at you and responding with something healthy and constructive. 
    This is my first thoughts, too. Who is this directed to; is it truly to both parents, or is it geared towards telling women not to express any of their feelings (except super, happy, wonderful ones) to their partners. 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    levioosa said:
    I think the "say nothing negative to your spouse ever" bothers me because it reminds me of the conservative Christian push for women to be subservient. There's a big difference between nagging or being overtly negative and having SO snap at you and responding with something healthy and constructive. 
    This is my first thoughts, too. Who is this directed to; is it truly to both parents, or is it geared towards telling women not to express any of their feelings (except super, happy, wonderful ones) to their partners. 
    I think it's for each spouse.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    levioosa said:
    I think the "say nothing negative to your spouse ever" bothers me because it reminds me of the conservative Christian push for women to be subservient. There's a big difference between nagging or being overtly negative and having SO snap at you and responding with something healthy and constructive. 
    This is my first thoughts, too. Who is this directed to; is it truly to both parents, or is it geared towards telling women not to express any of their feelings (except super, happy, wonderful ones) to their partners. 
    Well, I saw the awful Kirk Cameron movie where they use this, and the guy is the one who does it, after realizing he's being a selfish POS.

    Anniversary

    thefanciestbecklercharlotte989875
  • levioosa said:
    I think the "say nothing negative to your spouse ever" bothers me because it reminds me of the conservative Christian push for women to be subservient. There's a big difference between nagging or being overtly negative and having SO snap at you and responding with something healthy and constructive. 
    This is my first thoughts, too. Who is this directed to; is it truly to both parents, or is it geared towards telling women not to express any of their feelings (except super, happy, wonderful ones) to their partners. 
    Well, I saw the awful Kirk Cameron movie where they use this, and the guy is the one who does it, after realizing he's being a selfish POS.
    Was the wife allowed to tell him he was being a selfish POS?
    OurWildKingdomflantastic
  • I think there's a way to not be negative in a condescending way. It's definitely not easy, and maybe these "dares" aren't explaining them well?
    I mean how easy is it to just see something that your spouse did wrong and flip?

    Maybe for each person could take these "dares" and twist them to what works for them instead of taking at face value?
    I'm thinking about other day when I had to talk to M and I did a lot of thinking of how to word it, because I didn't want the conversation to be an angry one but I had to talk to him about the things he wasn't doing and how I felt. I didn't wanna be negative about it, so I had to find a way to word everything so he understood where I was coming from instead of yelling at him about it.

    Yelling = negative.
    thefanciestbecklerOurWildKingdomshort+sassySP29
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    levioosa said:
    I think the "say nothing negative to your spouse ever" bothers me because it reminds me of the conservative Christian push for women to be subservient. There's a big difference between nagging or being overtly negative and having SO snap at you and responding with something healthy and constructive. 
    This is my first thoughts, too. Who is this directed to; is it truly to both parents, or is it geared towards telling women not to express any of their feelings (except super, happy, wonderful ones) to their partners. 
    Well, I saw the awful Kirk Cameron movie where they use this, and the guy is the one who does it, after realizing he's being a selfish POS.
    Was the wife allowed to tell him he was being a selfish POS?
    Ha, yeah, she pretty much did, and he was like "oh shit she's actually going to leave me"

    Anniversary

    thefanciestbeckler
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    baconsmom said:
    So...I'm confused right off the bat by "negative". Like, I can't say, "You fucked up"? or I can't say, "Traffic sucked on the way home, I'm so tired"? Or what? 

    Also, if we couldn't say anything negative to each other, we'd have zero conversations. Complaining is our love language. 
    I think it's more the former, including passive-aggressive stuff or minor stuff like, "You couldn't have stuck your mug in the dishwasher?"

    Note: I am not an apologist for this method. No idea how well it would work, or if it's truly good for you. I just happen to know things about it.

    Anniversary

    thefanciestbecklerOurWildKingdom
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    I think there's a way to not be negative in a condescending way. It's definitely not easy, and maybe these "dares" aren't explaining them well?
    I mean how easy is it to just see something that your spouse did wrong and flip?

    Maybe for each person could take these "dares" and twist them to what works for them instead of taking at face value?
    I'm thinking about other day when I had to talk to M and I did a lot of thinking of how to word it, because I didn't want the conversation to be an angry one but I had to talk to him about the things he wasn't doing and how I felt. I didn't wanna be negative about it, so I had to find a way to word everything so he understood where I was coming from instead of yelling at him about it.

    Yelling = negative.
    That's something I'm having to teach H. When I get upset, I need to withdraw from the situation to figure out why I'm upset because it's usually not what we're arguing about and how to say it softly. I'm learning that it's okay for me to show my emotions with him and that he's not going to turn it around on me.
    MissKittyDangercharlotte989875SP29
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    @short+sassy Day 3 is also no negative comments and buy your spouse a gift.
  • I think there's a way to not be negative in a condescending way. It's definitely not easy, and maybe these "dares" aren't explaining them well?
    I mean how easy is it to just see something that your spouse did wrong and flip?

    Maybe for each person could take these "dares" and twist them to what works for them instead of taking at face value?
    I'm thinking about other day when I had to talk to M and I did a lot of thinking of how to word it, because I didn't want the conversation to be an angry one but I had to talk to him about the things he wasn't doing and how I felt. I didn't wanna be negative about it, so I had to find a way to word everything so he understood where I was coming from instead of yelling at him about it.

    Yelling = negative.
    That's something I'm having to teach H. When I get upset, I need to withdraw from the situation to figure out why I'm upset because it's usually not what we're arguing about and how to say it softly. I'm learning that it's okay for me to show my emotions with him and that he's not going to turn it around on me.
    I'm an emotional person, I can/will cry easily. I had to have a serious convo with M other night because I realized I was angry often. In order to figure out words, I always find a way to be alone to think about my words and how to word it. M just cuts me out if I start yelling - which I don't blame him, I do the same.
  • @short+sassy Day 3 is also no negative comments and buy your spouse a gift.
    I'd still be on board.  As long as it is for some kind of limited timeframe.  I think more than a week or so would start pushing it, especially if there are valid concerns that need to be discussed.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • baconsmom said:
    So...I'm confused right off the bat by "negative". Like, I can't say, "You fucked up"? or I can't say, "Traffic sucked on the way home, I'm so tired"? Or what? 

    Also, if we couldn't say anything negative to each other, we'd have zero conversations. Complaining is our love language. 
    I hear ya. H & I live in the Boston area, where people endorse other people for complaining on their LinkedIn profiles.  :D
  • baconsmom said:
    So...I'm confused right off the bat by "negative". Like, I can't say, "You fucked up"? or I can't say, "Traffic sucked on the way home, I'm so tired"? Or what? 

    Also, if we couldn't say anything negative to each other, we'd have zero conversations. Complaining is our love language. 
    I got the just being negative about everything, maybe being more directly negative to SO?
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    I went and looked through the first 16 dares. Many of them were things we do already like I dish his plate, he cleans the kitchen, little things for the other. I stopped looking at them when it got to the prayer dares. One dare I really liked was to ask your spouse to name 3 things that you do that irritates them and give no justifications. I might do that. 
    charlotte989875
  • Maybe what is bugging me is the word 'dare'; typically dares aren't things you'd normally do are are reluctant to do, right? Like "ooh, I dare you to think about what you say before you say it" because while maybe we don't always do this, but I think it's more out of not being patient/heat of the moment rather a conscious choice to not think about what we say. KWIM?
    MissKittyDangercowgirl8238
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    I think what bothered me was it said nothing negative to your spouse instead of about your spouse. I find myself bitching about H and forgetting to also sing his praises.
    charlotte989875MissKittyDanger
  • baconsmom said:
    So...I'm confused right off the bat by "negative". Like, I can't say, "You fucked up"? or I can't say, "Traffic sucked on the way home, I'm so tired"? Or what? 

    Also, if we couldn't say anything negative to each other, we'd have zero conversations. Complaining is our love language. 
    That made me think of the 'bad quotes' commercial.  

    "YELLING IS MY LOVE LANGUAGE!"  
    charlotte989875cowgirl8238
  • I think what bothered me was it said nothing negative to your spouse instead of about your spouse. I find myself bitching about H and forgetting to also sing his praises.
    Definitely that too. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards