She doesn't deserve your presence or forgiveness

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
When I was 12 years old, I testified against my biological dad for years of sexual and physical abuse. His mother, my grandmother, sided with him. Afterward I was adopted and did not speak to any of my biological relatives for 20 years. Eventually I got back into contact with my siblings, and we have developed a good relationship. They told me my grandmother “Marigold” wanted to see me, but I learned that my biological father was about to be released from jail and she was planning on letting him move in with her. I said if she took him in, I would not see her; sure enough, he moved in with her. Since then he’s been back in and out of jail. Now my grandmother is dying and apparently begging to see me.

The adult in me feels bad for her, but the child in me wants to know why I was never protected. Why do we automatically forgive the dying? Do I have to see her? I know this sounds coldhearted, but what happened to me all those years ago was never a secret.

—Give Her Peace?

levioosa

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
When I was 12 years old, I testified against my biological dad for years of sexual and physical abuse. His mother, my grandmother, sided with him. Afterward I was adopted and did not speak to any of my biological relatives for 20 years. Eventually I got back into contact with my siblings, and we have developed a good relationship. They told me my grandmother “Marigold” wanted to see me, but I learned that my biological father was about to be released from jail and she was planning on letting him move in with her. I said if she took him in, I would not see her; sure enough, he moved in with her. Since then he’s been back in and out of jail. Now my grandmother is dying and apparently begging to see me.

The adult in me feels bad for her, but the child in me wants to know why I was never protected. Why do we automatically forgive the dying? Do I have to see her? I know this sounds coldhearted, but what happened to me all those years ago was never a secret.

—Give Her Peace?

Nope. Absolutely not. And this always confused me too. Sometimes people are shitty assholes. I'm not going to eulogize you and pretend like you were all puppies and rainbows. You fucking sucked. I wonder if LW's siblings are aware of the situation. If they are, they're being kind of shitty too and need to support OP over an enabling grandmother. Im also curious about the whole adoption thing. She almost makes it sound like she was the only sibling adopted out? But everyone else stayed close and in contact with bio family and each other? Kind of odd. 

mrsconn23

levioosa said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
When I was 12 years old, I testified against my biological dad for years of sexual and physical abuse. His mother, my grandmother, sided with him. Afterward I was adopted and did not speak to any of my biological relatives for 20 years. Eventually I got back into contact with my siblings, and we have developed a good relationship. They told me my grandmother “Marigold” wanted to see me, but I learned that my biological father was about to be released from jail and she was planning on letting him move in with her. I said if she took him in, I would not see her; sure enough, he moved in with her. Since then he’s been back in and out of jail. Now my grandmother is dying and apparently begging to see me.

The adult in me feels bad for her, but the child in me wants to know why I was never protected. Why do we automatically forgive the dying? Do I have to see her? I know this sounds coldhearted, but what happened to me all those years ago was never a secret.

—Give Her Peace?

Nope. Absolutely not. And this always confused me too. Sometimes people are shitty assholes. I'm not going to eulogize you and pretend like you were all puppies and rainbows. You fucking sucked. I wonder if LW's siblings are aware of the situation. If they are, they're being kind of shitty too and need to support OP over an enabling grandmother. Im also curious about the whole adoption thing. She almost makes it sound like she was the only sibling adopted out? But everyone else stayed close and in contact with bio family and each other? Kind of odd. 

DH's BFF died less than a year into our relationship.  I didn't like him for many reasons.  At the time he died, I felt bad that I didn't feel worse that he died...but over time, I've realized that death doesn't change how you lived and who you were as a person.   I feel bad for the people who loved him and the fact that his kids are growing up without a dad, but I've stopped wondering if I should have felt something more about it. 

short+sassy

The LW should do whatever is most comfortable for him/her.  It sounds like they don't want to see their grandmother.  Then they shouldn't and with no apologies.  Grandmother had plenty of opportunities to make amends with this person.  And chose not to.  So, what?  Now she has regrets?  Too little, too late.  Let her go to her grave knowing the grandchild she abandoned and never protected wants nothing to do with her.

charlotte989875

LW does not owe anyone, anything. If she wants to see GM knowing she has let asshole move in with her, that's LW's choice, but she should feel no shame in protecting herself and her well being by choosing not to engage, even if she is a dying woman. 

MissKittyDanger

Death creates guilt. I think because we assume we should forgive the dying/dead that it's okay.

It is not. This woman was not good to you, and I would personally advise not to. However, at the end of the day LW may wanna go regardless. I hope LW doesn't go alone and has a good support team behind them if decides to go.

Ro041

Styrofoam Plates by Death Cab for Cutie:

"You're a disgrace to the concept of family
The priest won't divulge that fact in his homily and I'll stand up and scream
If the mourning remain quiet,
You can deck out a lie in a suit but I won't buy it.

I won't join in the procession that's speaking their peace.
Using five dollar words while praising his integrity.
And just cause he's gone it doesn't change the fact:
He was a bastard in life thus a bastard in death."

You owe her nothing.

OurWildKingdom

levioosa said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
When I was 12 years old, I testified against my biological dad for years of sexual and physical abuse. His mother, my grandmother, sided with him. Afterward I was adopted and did not speak to any of my biological relatives for 20 years. Eventually I got back into contact with my siblings, and we have developed a good relationship. They told me my grandmother “Marigold” wanted to see me, but I learned that my biological father was about to be released from jail and she was planning on letting him move in with her. I said if she took him in, I would not see her; sure enough, he moved in with her. Since then he’s been back in and out of jail. Now my grandmother is dying and apparently begging to see me.

The adult in me feels bad for her, but the child in me wants to know why I was never protected. Why do we automatically forgive the dying? Do I have to see her? I know this sounds coldhearted, but what happened to me all those years ago was never a secret.

—Give Her Peace?

Nope. Absolutely not. And this always confused me too. Sometimes people are shitty assholes. I'm not going to eulogize you and pretend like you were all puppies and rainbows. You fucking sucked. I wonder if LW's siblings are aware of the situation. If they are, they're being kind of shitty too and need to support OP over an enabling grandmother. Im also curious about the whole adoption thing. She almost makes it sound like she was the only sibling adopted out? But everyone else stayed close and in contact with bio family and each other? Kind of odd. 

It's not common, but not unheard of. I work in child welfare and occasionally see cases where one sibling is in a relative's custody and another is adopted.

TrixieJess

mrsconn23 said:

levioosa said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
When I was 12 years old, I testified against my biological dad for years of sexual and physical abuse. His mother, my grandmother, sided with him. Afterward I was adopted and did not speak to any of my biological relatives for 20 years. Eventually I got back into contact with my siblings, and we have developed a good relationship. They told me my grandmother “Marigold” wanted to see me, but I learned that my biological father was about to be released from jail and she was planning on letting him move in with her. I said if she took him in, I would not see her; sure enough, he moved in with her. Since then he’s been back in and out of jail. Now my grandmother is dying and apparently begging to see me.

The adult in me feels bad for her, but the child in me wants to know why I was never protected. Why do we automatically forgive the dying? Do I have to see her? I know this sounds coldhearted, but what happened to me all those years ago was never a secret.

—Give Her Peace?

Nope. Absolutely not. And this always confused me too. Sometimes people are shitty assholes. I'm not going to eulogize you and pretend like you were all puppies and rainbows. You fucking sucked. I wonder if LW's siblings are aware of the situation. If they are, they're being kind of shitty too and need to support OP over an enabling grandmother. Im also curious about the whole adoption thing. She almost makes it sound like she was the only sibling adopted out? But everyone else stayed close and in contact with bio family and each other? Kind of odd. 

DH's BFF died less than a year into our relationship.  I didn't like him for many reasons.  At the time he died, I felt bad that I didn't feel worse that he died...but over time, I've realized that death doesn't change how you lived and who you were as a person.   I feel bad for the people who loved him and the fact that his kids are growing up without a dad, but I've stopped wondering if I should have felt something more about it. 

When my grandfather was dying, my mother told me that he had asked to see me. I told her that it was a nice sentiment but 28 years too late to want to make amends for being an unbearable asshole and I wasn't going to make his deathbed a place of forgiveness on my part. 12 years later she's still picking her jaw up off the floor for that sentiment.