I'd need receipts before going further.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
Recently a friend casually remarked that my boyfriend has, in her opinion, made “lots of offensive and sexist comments,” but that she’s able to get past them because she knows he’s a good guy and not a misogynist at heart. I asked her what specifically he had done, and she said, “Oh, lots of things,” and the conversation moved on. Later she sort of apologized but implied that all men are sexist. I agree that there are experiences women have that men never seem to understand, but my boyfriend is a kind person and a self-identified feminist. He’s never said anything in front of me in our three years together that struck me as offensive. Should I ask my friend for clarification? Let it go? Tell my boyfriend so he’s aware he’s coming off as sexist?

—Friend vs. Boyfriend

short+sassy

The LW's friend sounds like a pot-stirrer.  Or at least was in this instance.

If this was a fairly new relationship, I might push my friend again for more specific details.  Or perk my own ears up for what she might be referring to.

But the relationship has been going on for 3 years!  And the LW obviously doesn't agree with her friend or even know what she is talking about.  So I'd just chalk this up to friend being in a bad mood and let it go.  At best, I might say something to friend along the lines of, "You know, friend, you said X, but I don't get that impression at all from b/f.  But I also don't want to have blinders on!  I'd appreciate it if, the next time he says something offensive, you could give me that specific example.  So I can understand better what you are referring to.  Thanks."

charlotte989875

Let it go until she brings it up again, then push her for details. If someone accused H of saying something sexist I would absolutely want to know about it, but that's a pretty serious (in my book) thing to say about someone else without any "proof".

DrillSergeantCat

If the only reply is "Oh lots of things" I'm going to take it with a grain of salt. If his actions weren't severe enough for you to remember even one time, it can't have been that bad.

MissKittyDanger

I think LW should do a mix of things. Don't let it bother her, but should let her bf know how his comments are coming across. That way he can avoid offending anyone

and like @short+sassy  said, friend sounds like a pot-stirrer.

Ro041

If someone said my FI said sexist things and then said "oh lots of things" when I asked for examples, I would be a pissed off, petty individual and not let it go.  That's a pretty shitty thing to say about someone if you don't have an example ready to go.

bleve0821

FYI "Oh, lots of things [changes subject]" is code for "I'm full of shit."

flantastic

MissKittyDanger said:

I think LW should do a mix of things. Don't let it bother her, but should let her bf know how his comments are coming across. That way he can avoid offending anyone

and like @short+sassy  said, friend sounds like a pot-stirrer.

But what comments? There might not actually be any comments. He won't know because she doesn't know. There are no examples to give. If someone told me "so and so thinks your comments are sexist," I'd be watching myself like a crazy person, when it might just be the friend's own problem. Unless LW can get a specific example, I'd leave the BF out of it.

ILoveBeachMusic

MissKittyDanger said:

I think LW should do a mix of things. Don't let it bother her, but should let her bf know how his comments are coming across. That way he can avoid offending anyone

and like @short+sassy  said, friend sounds like a pot-stirrer.

I think if the friend had given her specific examples this would be fine, but she couldn't so I wouldn't mention it to BF. Some people are offended if you breathe.

mrsconn23

Ro041 said:

If someone said my FI said sexist things and then said "oh lots of things" when I asked for examples, I would be a pissed off, petty individual and not let it go.  That's a pretty shitty thing to say about someone if you don't have an example ready to go.

I agree!!  You can't throw an accusation like that out there and then not have a specific incident.

Remove the sexism from it...What if it was, "He's mean to kids." or "He's a bad pet owner." and then they never backed it up?  That makes the accuser an asshole. 

I'd not bring it to my partner's attention until I had a real life example.  And honestly, since this person's friend has since backed off her claim and gone this general, "all men are sexist assholes route"...I'd take any complaint after the fact with a giant grain of salt because this person's claims have lost pretty much any meaning since they are just throwing shit out there without anything to back it up. 

charlotte989875

flantastic said:

MissKittyDanger said:

I think LW should do a mix of things. Don't let it bother her, but should let her bf know how his comments are coming across. That way he can avoid offending anyone

and like @short+sassy  said, friend sounds like a pot-stirrer.

But what comments? There might not actually be any comments. He won't know because she doesn't know. There are no examples to give. If someone told me "so and so thinks your comments are sexist," I'd be watching myself like a crazy person, when it might just be the friend's own problem. Unless LW can get a specific example, I'd leave the BF out of it.

Right? I can't see going to my H and being like..

Me:  "friend said you say some sexist things"
H:"like what?"
Me: "I have no idea because she wouldn't elaborate."
H: Side-eyeing this whole thing in silence. 

If the BF really is saying/doing/implying sexist or misogynistic things then yes, by all means do something about it. But I feel like general "men are sexist" statements like the LW implies the friend said are harmful to stopping real sexism. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

flantastic said:

MissKittyDanger said:

I think LW should do a mix of things. Don't let it bother her, but should let her bf know how his comments are coming across. That way he can avoid offending anyone

and like @short+sassy  said, friend sounds like a pot-stirrer.

But what comments? There might not actually be any comments. He won't know because she doesn't know. There are no examples to give. If someone told me "so and so thinks your comments are sexist," I'd be watching myself like a crazy person, when it might just be the friend's own problem. Unless LW can get a specific example, I'd leave the BF out of it.

Right? I can't see going to my H and being like..

Me:  "friend said you say some sexist things"
H:"like what?"
Me: "I have no idea because she wouldn't elaborate."
H: Side-eyeing this whole thing in silence. 

If the BF really is saying/doing/implying sexist or misogynistic things then yes, by all means do something about it. But I feel like general "men are sexist" statements like the LW implies the friend said are harmful to stopping real sexism. 

Not to mention the irony of saying "men are sexist"...IS a sexist statement.  Just against men.  And that's not cool either.

MissKittyDanger

Maybe more something like this?:

Me: Apparently you've made comments. Idk what they are ... but apparently they're sexist? Does that make sense?
M: No I don't remember ...
Me: Well idk how much more info I can get, but can you just be more aware of those around when you make comments? I'll try to find out specifics int he mean time.

charlotte989875

MissKittyDanger said:

Maybe more something like this?:

Me: Apparently you've made comments. Idk what they are ... but apparently they're sexist? Does that make sense?
M: No I don't remember ...
Me: Well idk how much more info I can get, but can you just be more aware of those around when you make comments? I'll try to find out specifics int he mean time.

Maybe (and maybe I'm reading something into this...) but it still comes off as he said something that was offensive or out of line, even though there is no proof of that. She can't give specifics, or even an example. 

Maybe it's just me, but I would not go to my H with just some random rumor that has no info behind it and accuse him of doing something that is out of character. 

MissKittyDanger

charlotte989875 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Maybe more something like this?:

Me: Apparently you've made comments. Idk what they are ... but apparently they're sexist? Does that make sense?
M: No I don't remember ...
Me: Well idk how much more info I can get, but can you just be more aware of those around when you make comments? I'll try to find out specifics int he mean time.

Maybe (and maybe I'm reading something into this...) but it still comes off as he said something that was offensive or out of line, even though there is no proof of that. She can't give specifics, or even an example. 

Maybe it's just me, but I would not go to my H with just some random rumor that has no info behind it and accuse him of doing something that is out of character. 

I totally get it and I would want more information, but I would personally mention it so then just in case it was a real thing I know he'd want it to stop or brought to his attention. It would be more of a pre-cursor kind of chat.

Ro041

I wouldn't dare go to my FI with this information because it will just make him dislike or not want to be around Pot Stirrer.  Who wants to be around someone that says you are sexist without providing examples?

Joney

Maybe the friend overheard BF calling LW a good girl?

mrsconn23

Joney said:

Maybe the friend overheard BF calling LW a good girl?

I love when Prudie letters come full circle, even if it's only in our heads.