Pre-wedding Parties

Bridal Shower Guest list

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Answers

  • MircakesMircakes
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    I would simply say no to the shower. If your aunt surprises you and throws one anyway, there is nothing you can really do about that. People will do what they want. But, I personally would want no part in endorsing rude behavior. 

    I do however anticipate that people who go to the shower (or Tea) will ultimately feel hurt about not being invited to the luncheon. As someone else says, it makes the fact that they aren't invited to the main event that much more salient. It's like being invited to someone's birthday dinner, but then not invited to go out to the bars after. Even people who seemingly don't care now might start to care after the shower. 
    Knottie20032143InLoveInQueens
  • "Aunt, please do not throw me a shower. It's not appropriate because my wedding is private. It would therefore be rude to invite anyone to a gift-giving party in my honor. I will be upset if you arrange a surprise shower. I understand that you mean well, but I am asking you to respect etiquette and my personal wishes. Thank you."
    image
    CMGragainKnottie20032143STARMOON44InLoveInQueens
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited April 4
    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!
    OK, let us look at your original post.

    You asked us "who do I invite" to a bridal shower or luncheon.

    We told you that you should not be having a bridal shower or luncheon, and not a bachelorette party, either.

    You responded by claiming that our etiquette rules do not apply to you because you are Hispanic.  The Hispanic people I know are very polite and care very much about etiquette.

    Why are you even posting here?  You don't care about rules, and you think that they do not apply to you because your are "Speshul".  Oh, please!

    You have been given excellent advice, but you continue to argue.  You use members of your family as excuses for not following etiquette rules.  I have lost patience with you.  Don't be surprised when people side-eye your plans because you have been warned.

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • CMGragain said:

    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
    They'll be upset that they aren't invited to a shower, but they are A-ok with not being invited to a wedding? Let's get real here. If you care about including them, invite them to the wedding.

    If you don't care about being rude to your friends, that's your prerogative. Most people would not want to do something rude to friends on principle, not limited only to whether you think they'll realize it in the near future or whether they'll tell you they're upset about it. 

    Nope, as stated in my earlier response, they are not OK with not going to the wedding. However, since it's my wedding and I'm paying for it without any family help, I will be keeping it very small and within my budget. If you'd been paying attention you would have read that I don't want any pre-wedding showers or teas at all. It is at my families insistence that they throw me one because THEY want to be part of my wedding in whichever way they can be. I will not be budging on my wedding reception and it seems they will not be budging on throwing me a party...so I would like to make it as "proper" as I can and celebrate with tea with my family but also make sure there is no miscommunication from my aunt where the guests feel like I expect gifts. 
    Then say no to the shower. Why are you somehow ok with telling them no about the wedding, but the shower is where you buckle? Because it's someone else's money?

    "Hi aunt, it's sweet of you to offer, but I'm really not comfortable with having people at a pre-wedding party when they aren't invited to the wedding. I don't want it to look like a gift grab, and I don't want to make people feel bad about not being included in the wedding. Please do not throw a shower. If you make it a surprise, I will be horribly embarrassed and will walk out." 


    I guess you haven't read my posts thoroughly. I've told my aunt no on several different occasions throughout the past few months and instead of respecting my wishes, she has said that she will just make it a "surprise" shower. It has nothing to do with not spending my own money, it is about the fact that she is the hostess so if she decided to plan a party and not tell me about it, well there's nothing I can do and I don't want the guests to think they should bring gifts. However, I am the "host" of my wedding and have full control, hence not buckling there. I will try to say it to her your way though and see how that works. However, even if she ignores my wishes, I think it would be terrible etiquette to walk out of a party being thrown in my honor. 
    Nope, etiquette does not require you to be a doormat. Put your foot down and tell her that this is non-negotiable. If she does ignores your wishes, you are well within your rights to do exactly what you told her you'd do. Does she really want to be there so much that she'll deliberately embarrass you? 

    I am reading your posts. What you say just doesn't make sense. If she were this insistent about a shower, why is she not insisting that she will just show up at the ceremony? 

    In any event, when you accept the shower, you tell her that you will roll over and accept her wishes if she pushes hard enough. Once she gets what she wants with the shower, she'll start pushing for the next thing. 
    My aunt is a great person and while pushy, she does have some limits and knows not to crash a wedding... I think my new strategy for telling her "no" will just be to show her this thread so that she can see how badly her good intentions can be interpreted. I know she doesn't mean to offend anyone so if she saw your nasty assumptions about her because she wants to throw a shower, maybe it will change her mind. 

    I just don't understand how someone can't enjoy a nice tea party that they don't need to bring gifts to even if they will not be part of a wedding luncheon. It seems like "etiquette" is just an excuse to look to be offended or upset. Sounds miserable to me. 
  • my new strategy for telling her "no" will just be to show her this thread 
    Why can't your strategy for telling her no be, "Your intentions are good, but I do not want a wedding shower - that includes a surprise shower. It's important to me to know that you respect me enough to honor that. Please respect me and confirm with me you won't do this." 

    Are you an adult? Is she an adult? Can you two have an adult conversation? Are you a good communicator? Does she respect you? If the answer to all of these questions is 'yes', then you shouldn't have to show her a thread on the internet in order to decline a shower. JFC.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    InLoveInQueensHeffalumpSP29
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    CMGragain said:

    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
    They'll be upset that they aren't invited to a shower, but they are A-ok with not being invited to a wedding? Let's get real here. If you care about including them, invite them to the wedding.

    If you don't care about being rude to your friends, that's your prerogative. Most people would not want to do something rude to friends on principle, not limited only to whether you think they'll realize it in the near future or whether they'll tell you they're upset about it. 

    Nope, as stated in my earlier response, they are not OK with not going to the wedding. However, since it's my wedding and I'm paying for it without any family help, I will be keeping it very small and within my budget. If you'd been paying attention you would have read that I don't want any pre-wedding showers or teas at all. It is at my families insistence that they throw me one because THEY want to be part of my wedding in whichever way they can be. I will not be budging on my wedding reception and it seems they will not be budging on throwing me a party...so I would like to make it as "proper" as I can and celebrate with tea with my family but also make sure there is no miscommunication from my aunt where the guests feel like I expect gifts. 
    Then say no to the shower. Why are you somehow ok with telling them no about the wedding, but the shower is where you buckle? Because it's someone else's money?

    "Hi aunt, it's sweet of you to offer, but I'm really not comfortable with having people at a pre-wedding party when they aren't invited to the wedding. I don't want it to look like a gift grab, and I don't want to make people feel bad about not being included in the wedding. Please do not throw a shower. If you make it a surprise, I will be horribly embarrassed and will walk out." 


    I guess you haven't read my posts thoroughly. I've told my aunt no on several different occasions throughout the past few months and instead of respecting my wishes, she has said that she will just make it a "surprise" shower. It has nothing to do with not spending my own money, it is about the fact that she is the hostess so if she decided to plan a party and not tell me about it, well there's nothing I can do and I don't want the guests to think they should bring gifts. However, I am the "host" of my wedding and have full control, hence not buckling there. I will try to say it to her your way though and see how that works. However, even if she ignores my wishes, I think it would be terrible etiquette to walk out of a party being thrown in my honor. 
    Nope, etiquette does not require you to be a doormat. Put your foot down and tell her that this is non-negotiable. If she does ignores your wishes, you are well within your rights to do exactly what you told her you'd do. Does she really want to be there so much that she'll deliberately embarrass you? 

    I am reading your posts. What you say just doesn't make sense. If she were this insistent about a shower, why is she not insisting that she will just show up at the ceremony? 

    In any event, when you accept the shower, you tell her that you will roll over and accept her wishes if she pushes hard enough. Once she gets what she wants with the shower, she'll start pushing for the next thing. 
    My aunt is a great person and while pushy, she does have some limits and knows not to crash a wedding... I think my new strategy for telling her "no" will just be to show her this thread so that she can see how badly her good intentions can be interpreted. I know she doesn't mean to offend anyone so if she saw your nasty assumptions about her because she wants to throw a shower, maybe it will change her mind. 

    I just don't understand how someone can't enjoy a nice tea party that they don't need to bring gifts to even if they will not be part of a wedding luncheon. It seems like "etiquette" is just an excuse to look to be offended or upset. Sounds miserable to me. 
    Basic manners matter. Asking people to come celebrate the fact that you are getting married, but not actually inviting them to the wedding is gross and selfish behavior. You can snub your nose at "etiquette" all you want, but it doesn't mean your actions are going to hurt people's feelings any less. I realize you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own, but other people's feelings are the foundation for basic etiquette.

    You are the one who says your aunt disrespects your wishes and will go behind your back and throw a surprise shower if you refuse to accept one. Either she is disregarding your feelings or (more likely) you are trying to push your own selfishness off by blaming her for being pushy. 

    I still don't believe most of what you say. It just doesn't add up. She's pushy enough to throw a surprise shower after you directly tell her no, but she would never dream of crashing your wedding? Yeah right. 
    InLoveInQueenscharlotte989875
  • CMGragain said:

    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
    They'll be upset that they aren't invited to a shower, but they are A-ok with not being invited to a wedding? Let's get real here. If you care about including them, invite them to the wedding.

    If you don't care about being rude to your friends, that's your prerogative. Most people would not want to do something rude to friends on principle, not limited only to whether you think they'll realize it in the near future or whether they'll tell you they're upset about it. 

    Nope, as stated in my earlier response, they are not OK with not going to the wedding. However, since it's my wedding and I'm paying for it without any family help, I will be keeping it very small and within my budget. If you'd been paying attention you would have read that I don't want any pre-wedding showers or teas at all. It is at my families insistence that they throw me one because THEY want to be part of my wedding in whichever way they can be. I will not be budging on my wedding reception and it seems they will not be budging on throwing me a party...so I would like to make it as "proper" as I can and celebrate with tea with my family but also make sure there is no miscommunication from my aunt where the guests feel like I expect gifts. 
    Then say no to the shower. Why are you somehow ok with telling them no about the wedding, but the shower is where you buckle? Because it's someone else's money?

    "Hi aunt, it's sweet of you to offer, but I'm really not comfortable with having people at a pre-wedding party when they aren't invited to the wedding. I don't want it to look like a gift grab, and I don't want to make people feel bad about not being included in the wedding. Please do not throw a shower. If you make it a surprise, I will be horribly embarrassed and will walk out." 


    I guess you haven't read my posts thoroughly. I've told my aunt no on several different occasions throughout the past few months and instead of respecting my wishes, she has said that she will just make it a "surprise" shower. It has nothing to do with not spending my own money, it is about the fact that she is the hostess so if she decided to plan a party and not tell me about it, well there's nothing I can do and I don't want the guests to think they should bring gifts. However, I am the "host" of my wedding and have full control, hence not buckling there. I will try to say it to her your way though and see how that works. However, even if she ignores my wishes, I think it would be terrible etiquette to walk out of a party being thrown in my honor. 
    Nope, etiquette does not require you to be a doormat. Put your foot down and tell her that this is non-negotiable. If she does ignores your wishes, you are well within your rights to do exactly what you told her you'd do. Does she really want to be there so much that she'll deliberately embarrass you? 

    I am reading your posts. What you say just doesn't make sense. If she were this insistent about a shower, why is she not insisting that she will just show up at the ceremony? 

    In any event, when you accept the shower, you tell her that you will roll over and accept her wishes if she pushes hard enough. Once she gets what she wants with the shower, she'll start pushing for the next thing. 
    My aunt is a great person and while pushy, she does have some limits and knows not to crash a wedding... I think my new strategy for telling her "no" will just be to show her this thread so that she can see how badly her good intentions can be interpreted. I know she doesn't mean to offend anyone so if she saw your nasty assumptions about her because she wants to throw a shower, maybe it will change her mind. 

    I just don't understand how someone can't enjoy a nice tea party that they don't need to bring gifts to even if they will not be part of a wedding luncheon. It seems like "etiquette" is just an excuse to look to be offended or upset. Sounds miserable to me. 
    Basic manners matter. Asking people to come celebrate the fact that you are getting married, but not actually inviting them to the wedding is gross and selfish behavior. You can snub your nose at "etiquette" all you want, but it doesn't mean your actions are going to hurt people's feelings any less. I realize you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own, but other people's feelings are the foundation for basic etiquette.

    You are the one who says your aunt disrespects your wishes and will go behind your back and throw a surprise shower if you refuse to accept one. Either she is disregarding your feelings or (more likely) you are trying to push your own selfishness off by blaming her for being pushy. 

    I still don't believe most of what you say. It just doesn't add up. She's pushy enough to throw a surprise shower after you directly tell her no, but she would never dream of crashing your wedding? Yeah right. 
    What's really off to me is that in close knit families, people don't have extremely private weddings that exclude people close enough to throw showers. 
    ILoveBeachMusiclnixon8eileenrobcharlotte989875
  • banana468 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Hi All, 

    I am having a very small wedding, just going to city hall and then taking my immediate family & FI's immediate family to a luncheon afterward. That night, FH and I will be bar hopping in our city's downtown to celebrate and many of our friends will be joining us. We will have no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but I am going on a bachelorette party trip (to Mexico) with my closest girlfriends. 

    My aunt and mom want to throw me a bridal shower, (even though my aunt is not part of the wedding luncheon) and my question is, who do I invite? I know that my aunts and cousins really want to be part of it, so should I just have her invite my family members or should I extend an invite to my girlfriends that are going on the Bachelorette trip with me? Also, I know that my aunts want to bring gifts but I definitely don't expect presents from my friends, so should I instead make it a Bridal Tea and specify no gifts? 

    Thanks!

    No one.
    STARMOON is absolutely correct, and she was not joking!  When you decided to have a private wedding with immediate family only, you gave up having showers and bachelorette parties.  If these parties are really important to you, then you need to change your wedding plans and invite all the people you want to invite to these parties.  Bridal parties are not necessary.
    These parties are not important to me. They are important to my aunts and my mom though. I know that they will throw me a "shower" either way, even if I protest they will just make it a surprise shower. I figured I might as well give in and be part of the planning process so that I have some control. I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to bring a gift and I don't want hurt feelings (with my family, there will probably be more of if there is no shower at all). So going by what some of the other ladies suggested, I think an afternoon Tea Party is best so that I can include the women in my family in the festivities since it's important to them...not to me. Do you think I should just tell my mom and aunt to spread the word verbally that it's no gifts? 

    And regarding the bachelorette party. I appreciate your concern about not offending them. My friends are all young and not really up-to-date on Emily Post style etiquette. My questions here were mostly geared toward not offending my family. I'm not really afraid that my bachelorette crew will be offended and they are my closest friends so I'm sure they would let me know if it was out of their budget or they thought it was improper. They've also all had non-traditional/non-conventional weddings. I wasn't offended, I think it's a little different for our generation since we're all paying for our own weddings and have already lived with our FI for a few years before marrying, so most of the traditional aspects are kind of pointless to us. I'm just trying to be careful in regards to my family and they don't seem to understand that I don't want a big reception or pre-wedding parties LOL 
    They'll be upset that they aren't invited to a shower, but they are A-ok with not being invited to a wedding? Let's get real here. If you care about including them, invite them to the wedding.

    If you don't care about being rude to your friends, that's your prerogative. Most people would not want to do something rude to friends on principle, not limited only to whether you think they'll realize it in the near future or whether they'll tell you they're upset about it. 

    Nope, as stated in my earlier response, they are not OK with not going to the wedding. However, since it's my wedding and I'm paying for it without any family help, I will be keeping it very small and within my budget. If you'd been paying attention you would have read that I don't want any pre-wedding showers or teas at all. It is at my families insistence that they throw me one because THEY want to be part of my wedding in whichever way they can be. I will not be budging on my wedding reception and it seems they will not be budging on throwing me a party...so I would like to make it as "proper" as I can and celebrate with tea with my family but also make sure there is no miscommunication from my aunt where the guests feel like I expect gifts. 
    Then say no to the shower. Why are you somehow ok with telling them no about the wedding, but the shower is where you buckle? Because it's someone else's money?

    "Hi aunt, it's sweet of you to offer, but I'm really not comfortable with having people at a pre-wedding party when they aren't invited to the wedding. I don't want it to look like a gift grab, and I don't want to make people feel bad about not being included in the wedding. Please do not throw a shower. If you make it a surprise, I will be horribly embarrassed and will walk out." 


    I guess you haven't read my posts thoroughly. I've told my aunt no on several different occasions throughout the past few months and instead of respecting my wishes, she has said that she will just make it a "surprise" shower. It has nothing to do with not spending my own money, it is about the fact that she is the hostess so if she decided to plan a party and not tell me about it, well there's nothing I can do and I don't want the guests to think they should bring gifts. However, I am the "host" of my wedding and have full control, hence not buckling there. I will try to say it to her your way though and see how that works. However, even if she ignores my wishes, I think it would be terrible etiquette to walk out of a party being thrown in my honor. 
    Nope, etiquette does not require you to be a doormat. Put your foot down and tell her that this is non-negotiable. If she does ignores your wishes, you are well within your rights to do exactly what you told her you'd do. Does she really want to be there so much that she'll deliberately embarrass you? 

    I am reading your posts. What you say just doesn't make sense. If she were this insistent about a shower, why is she not insisting that she will just show up at the ceremony? 

    In any event, when you accept the shower, you tell her that you will roll over and accept her wishes if she pushes hard enough. Once she gets what she wants with the shower, she'll start pushing for the next thing. 
    My aunt is a great person and while pushy, she does have some limits and knows not to crash a wedding... I think my new strategy for telling her "no" will just be to show her this thread so that she can see how badly her good intentions can be interpreted. I know she doesn't mean to offend anyone so if she saw your nasty assumptions about her because she wants to throw a shower, maybe it will change her mind. 

    I just don't understand how someone can't enjoy a nice tea party that they don't need to bring gifts to even if they will not be part of a wedding luncheon. It seems like "etiquette" is just an excuse to look to be offended or upset. Sounds miserable to me. 
    Basic manners matter. Asking people to come celebrate the fact that you are getting married, but not actually inviting them to the wedding is gross and selfish behavior. You can snub your nose at "etiquette" all you want, but it doesn't mean your actions are going to hurt people's feelings any less. I realize you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own, but other people's feelings are the foundation for basic etiquette.

    You are the one who says your aunt disrespects your wishes and will go behind your back and throw a surprise shower if you refuse to accept one. Either she is disregarding your feelings or (more likely) you are trying to push your own selfishness off by blaming her for being pushy. 

    I still don't believe most of what you say. It just doesn't add up. She's pushy enough to throw a surprise shower after you directly tell her no, but she would never dream of crashing your wedding? Yeah right. 
    What's really off to me is that in close knit families, people don't have extremely private weddings that exclude people close enough to throw showers. 
    I have to disagree with this being something off, not necessarily my family but my husbands family is extremely close and do everything together. All the cousins see each other at least once a month and we all go away together every holiday we can. That didn't make enough money for a big wedding appear out of thin air, so we had a wedding with just immediate family at City Hall, excluding a good few people who would gladly have offered to throw me/us a shower if we had a big wedding with more guests. There are reasons why someone would choose a small/private wedding, even with a large/supportive/close family.
    SP29
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