How direct should I be about my mastectomy?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
Four years ago, in my early 20s, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and ended up having a double mastectomy. My boyfriend left shortly after I finished treatment. I’m ready to dip my toe into dating again. How do I discuss my surgeries, occasional low energy levels, and what I did with several years of my life? If it wasn’t obvious, I would put the conversation off until a relationship got serious. However, some of my scars are obvious in my everyday clothes, let alone when I get physical with someone. I tried dating a few years ago, but the men picked up on my weakness and used it to manipulate me. It seems harder to explain to guys my age. People say the right guy will be cool with it, but finding the right guy is hard enough! How and when do I broach this?

—Dating After Mastectomy

kimmiinthemitten

"People say the right guy will be cool with it, but finding the right guy is hard enough! How and when do I broach this?"

Sadly, I 100% agree with this.  Broach the topic when you're comfortable and ready per person, and recognize the signs of manipulation and GTFO and stop wasting time on people who can't accept that you have scars. 

I also get a hint of insecurity from her part and think perhaps talking with a professional will help her mentally accept what has happened.  Body dysmorphia is very real for women post mastectomies and hysterectomies.

I wish I didn't think about this, but when I chose to stop using the scar cream after my reduction, I did think "what if it doesn't work out with H down the line."  At the end of the day, they may stretch armpit to armpit, but they're a part of me and I'm okay with them and that's what matters most.  There are even a few unedited wedding pics where you can see them through the dress.  Ah well.

mrsconn23

Having someone leave when you when you're in the midst of a serious illness is especially devastating.  My BFF was dating a guy while she thought she was in remission, but found out soon after that her cancer had returned.  He broke up with her soon after and it was awful.  I can totally understand LW being gun-shy.   

bleve0821

kimmiinthemitten said:

I wish I didn't think about this, but when I chose to stop using the scar cream after my reduction, I did think "what if it doesn't work out with H down the line."  At the end of the day, they may stretch armpit to armpit, but they're a part of me and I'm okay with them and that's what matters most.  There are even a few unedited wedding pics where you can see them through the dress.  Ah well.

This is how I feel.  I can completely understand LW being insecure and apprehensive about having the mastectomy, but at the end of the day, she battled and survived an illness that kills millions of women every year.  She's a survivor, and that is such a HUGE part of who she is as a person--now and forever--that I think before she even starts to date again, she needs to recognize that all of this is so much more than a couple of ugly scars, and find a way to love that about herself.  Love yourself because you survived, love yourself despite your scars, and never lose sight of that, regardless of what the assholes in the world tell you.

As my father always says (ew), "More than a handful is wasted."

Ro041

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
Four years ago, in my early 20s, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and ended up having a double mastectomy. My boyfriend left shortly after I finished treatment. I’m ready to dip my toe into dating again. How do I discuss my surgeries, occasional low energy levels, and what I did with several years of my life? If it wasn’t obvious, I would put the conversation off until a relationship got serious. However, some of my scars are obvious in my everyday clothes, let alone when I get physical with someone. I tried dating a few years ago, but the men picked up on my weakness and used it to manipulate me. It seems harder to explain to guys my age. People say the right guy will be cool with it, but finding the right guy is hard enough! How and when do I broach this?

—Dating After Mastectomy

This statement makes me uncomfortable for some reason.  I wish I knew more about what kind of manipulation she was talking about, especially because she uses the word "men" instead of "man".

TBH, I would probably bring it up when getting to know someone.  I find it appropriate when talking about college, "So, then I went UState and while I was there, I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have a double mastectomy, but I fought to get my degree, and I got this great job so here we are!"

VarunaTT

If she's really having an issue with men not being accepting of this or manipulating it, man, i'd lay it out in the first five minutes.  B/c it seems like a really good way to weed out assholes.  I'm fine with people knowing what they like, but having an issue with dating someone who has had a mastectomy, having to have boobs be THAT important, seems really fucking shallow.  

The only thing I can think of that would be possibly acceptable is being afraid that the potential person might be more cancer prone; I just don't get the feeling that's what's happened to LW.

short+sassy

I like @Ro041's suggestion of letting it come up naturally in conversation.  I probably wouldn't bring it up in the first few conversations or dates...though nothing wrong with it if that is what the LW is most comfortable with...but if the relationship is looking like it might have potential, I'd let it come out naturally or bring it up, but also not make a big deal about it.

I realize I have a totally different medical condition (Type I Diabetes) that doesn't affect how I look, but that was what I did when I was dating.  If it was a first date and the guy wanted to split a piece of "giant molten lava cake" with me, I'd say, "Oh!  I can have a bite or two, but I'm actually an insulin-dependent diabetic, so you're going to be mostly on your own if you want to order it, lol."

If it hadn't come up naturally when things started getting more serious, then I'd specifically bring it up.  Give the 10-minute basic lesson about the condition and the caution of what low blood sugar looks like, what to do, and the assurance that it doesn't happen often.

Here's a "what a jerk" story.  I had a long-time b/f of 2 years.  Who broke up with me one day and led with the reason of, "I really want kids someday and, since you're a diabetic, you can't have any."  That wasn't true and he knew it wasn't true.  I reminded him it wasn't true.  Dude, put down the Steel Magnolias DVD for a sec and do a 30-second Google search if you don't believe me.  So then the real reasons came up.  But the fact that he actually tried to use my medical condition as his first, false reason for breaking up with me was such a low and cowardly thing to do.  At least it made my "getting over him" easier.

sparklepants41

Agree with PPs she should let it come up naturally. 

And holy shit, @short+sassy - what a total dickface!

Ro041

Holy crap @short+sassy - you dodged a bullet with that dude.

short+sassy

Ro041 said:

Holy crap @short+sassy - you dodged a bullet with that dude.

I shudder when I think about it!  There are many other examples of why he was awful, though most of it cropped up in the last 6 months of the relationship.  At one point in time, I actually thought he was the "one" and we'd get married someday.

Like the old saying, one of God's greatest gifts is unanswered prayers.

MissKittyDanger

@short+sassy  what a dick!

Story time!: I dated a guy who was/is diabetic {I think type 1?} and in the end, what was the 'deal breaker' was actually his diabetes. NOW BEFORE YOU JUMP ON ME ABOUT THAT {because if I ended the sentence like that, I would too} he did not take care of himself. He didn't watch his eating habits, exercise, watch his body sugars, drank more than even I was cool with .... he did not take care of himself, how could he possibly take care of me if I was sick or something happened?
He meant well, but I'm not his parent, a nurse or babysitter. And I told him that.


Short version, he still isn't in greatest health. After we broke up mutual friends would come up to me and tell me he wasn't doing well and I should go back to him, which I said "him not caring about his own damn health is exactly why it's over. I can't do this. He needs to see a doctor and a nutritionist!"

lovesclimbing

atomicblonde said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I wish I didn't think about this, but when I chose to stop using the scar cream after my reduction, I did think "what if it doesn't work out with H down the line."  At the end of the day, they may stretch armpit to armpit, but they're a part of me and I'm okay with them and that's what matters most.  There are even a few unedited wedding pics where you can see them through the dress.  Ah well.

This is how I feel.  I can completely understand LW being insecure and apprehensive about having the mastectomy, but at the end of the day, she battled and survived an illness that kills millions of women every year.  She's a survivor, and that is such a HUGE part of who she is as a person--now and forever--that I think before she even starts to date again, she needs to recognize that all of this is so much more than a couple of ugly scars, and find a way to love that about herself.  Love yourself because you survived, love yourself despite your scars, and never lose sight of that, regardless of what the assholes in the world tell you.

As my father always says (ew), "More than a handful is wasted."

I'll do you one better. A guy my dad knew would say, "More than a mouthful is wasted."

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

@short+sassy  what a dick!

Story time!: I dated a guy who was/is diabetic {I think type 1?} and in the end, what was the 'deal breaker' was actually his diabetes. NOW BEFORE YOU JUMP ON ME ABOUT THAT {because if I ended the sentence like that, I would too} he did not take care of himself. He didn't watch his eating habits, exercise, watch his body sugars, drank more than even I was cool with .... he did not take care of himself, how could he possibly take care of me if I was sick or something happened?
He meant well, but I'm not his parent, a nurse or babysitter. And I told him that.


Short version, he still isn't in greatest health. After we broke up mutual friends would come up to me and tell me he wasn't doing well and I should go back to him, which I said "him not caring about his own damn health is exactly why it's over. I can't do this. He needs to see a doctor and a nutritionist!"

Not jumping on you at all .  Your reasons with your were understandable because there were reasonable steps he should have been taking to take better care of himself, but he wasn't.  And it sounds like you were having to take care of him a lot?  Which I don't get.  I'm not saying my H hasn't occasionally had to come to my rescue if my blood sugar dropped too low in the middle of the night.  But 99.9% of the time I take care of myself just fine.  And even the .1% of the time, I would have eventually woken up enough to go get juice myself.

I wouldn't have even been mad at him (okay, a little mad) if he had legit said that my condition bothered him because he was worried about my life expectancy or complications I might have in the future.  I'd think he was being a baby and probably would have made a snarky comment like, "Awesome, go find a woman in perfect health and HOPE she stays that way or doesn't get hit by a bus at a young age."  But I would have been more understanding that, for whatever reason, my condition became a dealbreaker for him.

However, instead, he made up this whole thing that I couldn't have kids because of my condition.  Trying to make me feel worse about my condition, just so he could avoid a conversation about his real reasons.

For anyone curious, The vast majority Type I Diabetics can absolutely have children, though it does fall under the broad umbrella of a high risk pregnancy.  There are some exceptions to that.  Like the character in Steel Magnolia who had a more advanced condition nicknamed "brittle diabetes" and already had her kidneys failing.  They didn't go into it in the movie, but her kidneys were the main problem, which was a complication from her diabetes, but it wasn't the diabetes itself.

VarunaTT

Men...handling boobs wrong since time began.

All boobs are beautiful, no matter their size, shape, length, etc.  B/c boobs.

MissKittyDanger

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

@short+sassy  what a dick!

Story time!: I dated a guy who was/is diabetic {I think type 1?} and in the end, what was the 'deal breaker' was actually his diabetes. NOW BEFORE YOU JUMP ON ME ABOUT THAT {because if I ended the sentence like that, I would too} he did not take care of himself. He didn't watch his eating habits, exercise, watch his body sugars, drank more than even I was cool with .... he did not take care of himself, how could he possibly take care of me if I was sick or something happened?
He meant well, but I'm not his parent, a nurse or babysitter. And I told him that.


Short version, he still isn't in greatest health. After we broke up mutual friends would come up to me and tell me he wasn't doing well and I should go back to him, which I said "him not caring about his own damn health is exactly why it's over. I can't do this. He needs to see a doctor and a nutritionist!"

Not jumping on you at all .  Your reasons with your were understandable because there were reasonable steps he should have been taking to take better care of himself, but he wasn't.  And it sounds like you were having to take care of him a lot?  Which I don't get.  I'm not saying my H hasn't occasionally had to come to my rescue if my blood sugar dropped too low in the middle of the night.  But 99.9% of the time I take care of myself just fine.  And even the .1% of the time, I would have eventually woken up enough to go get juice myself.

I wouldn't have even been mad at him (okay, a little mad) if he had legit said that my condition bothered him because he was worried about my life expectancy or complications I might have in the future.  I'd think he was being a baby and probably would have made a snarky comment like, "Awesome, go find a woman in perfect health and HOPE she stays that way or doesn't get hit by a bus at a young age."  But I would have been more understanding that, for whatever reason, my condition became a dealbreaker for him.

However, instead, he made up this whole thing that I couldn't have kids because of my condition.  Trying to make me feel worse about my condition, just so he could avoid a conversation about his real reasons.

For anyone curious, The vast majority Type I Diabetics can absolutely have children, though it does fall under the broad umbrella of a high risk pregnancy.  There are some exceptions to that.  Like the character in Steel Magnolia who had a more advanced condition nicknamed "brittle diabetes" and already had her kidneys failing.  They didn't go into it in the movie, but her kidneys were the main problem, which was a complication from her diabetes, but it wasn't the diabetes itself.

I took it upon myself to care for him because I saw the way his family treated him at the time {idk if it's the same}
His younger sister is handicapped {fell down the stairs as a baby and caused brain damage } and older sister he couldn't be allowed to live with. He became least important in the family, it broke my heart.

*Barbie*

This may come off as prudish, but I probably wouldn't be sleeping with a guy unless I was comfortable enough with him to discuss that I was a cancer survivor/had a mastectomy.

Given that she's been burned by an ass when she was sick, she should ease herself into dating and not discuss something unless she's comfortable. 

japrincess24

*Barbie* said:

This may come off as prudish, but I probably wouldn't be sleeping with a guy unless I was comfortable enough with him to discuss that I was a cancer survivor/had a mastectomy.

Given that she's been burned by an ass when she was sick, she should ease herself into dating and not discuss something unless she's comfortable. 

Agreed. Especially if you know you have scars that are visible enough just in normal clothing that could raise questions, what do you think would happen without clothes? Nothing makes the moment better like suddenly finding out that your partner had cancer and a mastectomy. Finally, how are you supposed to enjoy it if you're so concerned about if he is truly a good guy and would accept your body or is just going to take advantage of you/hit it and quit it? That's a recipe for a bad time. Even if he doesn't care and thinks you're beautiful, you'd still be self-conscious the whole time. 

She needs to slow down and examine what the common threads were in her past relationships and see what she needs to do for herself to avoid these manipulators. Personally, I think the abandonment, rightfully, really affected her, but it has also made her vulnerable to manipulators. 

CMGragain

OK, I've been out of town and off line for awhile.

I have one real breast, and the other is a reconstruction.  No nipple, and no feeling at all.  I look normal in a bathing suit. (Not good, just normal.  Wish I was still thin!)  If I take off my bra, you will notice.  Plastic surgery is great!

DH has had no problem with any of this.  He seems to forget.  He does have a problem with the fact that the cancer later spread and metastacised to other parts of my body, and it will kill me in a few years, if something else doesn't get me first.

Any guy who really loves you won't mind.  You will know if he really loves you and not just your boobs.  Some ladies don't learn this until too late.  Could you fall in love with a man who has physical issues?  Amputated limbs?  Facial deformity?  Baldness?  Weight?  I hope so.  Breasts are no different.

Get out there and find a man who really loves you.