Pre-wedding Parties

Carolyn hax tackles destination bachlorette

What do you all think? Obviously its lame she planned her own party but I question why she even wanted to do this at all. Doesn't sound like she is excited for it. I would be mad if I was spending all this money on a bachlorette and the bride was already pissed that I might not want to go hiking at 8 am on vacation.


Dear Carolyn: How can I do my part in preventing any drama during my bachelorette party? I am having 10 of my closest girlfriends and family members fly with me to a resort town in Mexico. I am not having a traditional wedding so I do not have a bridal party. I did all the planning myself. I’m close to all of these girls but we are not part of a bigger friend group, so most of them don’t even know each other.

A couple of these girls have very big personalities and are quite bossy. I understand everyone is putting in a lot of time, money and effort to go on this trip with me so I want to respect that and I want them to each get out of the trip what they want.

I don’t drink and am most interested in the wilderness activities for this trip. How can I explain to the girls that if they want to go out all night, that’s fine, but I will be leaving at 8 a.m. for my activities and they’ll be left behind if they’re still hung over and nowhere near ready? I want everybody to feel like they have the freedom to do whatever they want during this trip and not get offended when the group splits up or doesn’t go where they want to go.

I know I won’t get everybody to agree with everything. There are just a couple of girls that I’m concerned will be overly dramatic and bossy about the whole trip. I don’t want to have to boss people around either, but I know it’ll be my duty to be peacekeeper at least. I’ve gone on a couple of trips with the bossy girls I’ve mentioned, and there were several fights and hurt feelings because we didn’t want to do or spend money on what they wanted.

— Bothered Bride

Bothered Bride: Yeah, what could go wrong?

It’s too late for the advice to dial the ambition back, ideally to within an hour’s drive of where most of you live, given the number of challenges (and challenging personalities) here.

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Fortunately, the philosophical underpinnings of that advice travel well internationally: Take what you envision getting out of this trip, then cut it in half. Maybe twice. Pleasant time with women you love, for example, and maybe a hike. That might be achievable. If ever there was a time for minimalism, this is it.

If you haven’t already, prearrange one thing a day for everyone to do together as an anchor for your schedule. Make it late enough for the sleepers-in. Dinner, for example.

Then — this is key — convey your expect-very-little expectations to your friends clearly: “I can’t wait to spend time with everyone. I don’t expect us all to move as a group the whole time. I’m planning some early morning outdoorsy stuff, which you’re all welcome to join or skip — and please feel free to do what works for you as well. I’ve kept the schedule loose on purpose.”

Then, anoint yourself Zen goddess, high priestess of low expectations, ambassador of quan. Good practice for marriage, in fact.







Re: Carolyn hax tackles destination bachlorette

  • Carolyn nailed it! 
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    eileenrobInLoveInQueensSP29
  • Yes I was thinking the same thing @sparklepants41 the writer struck me as bossy!
    I wish she was a poster here so we could've had a come-to-Jesus talk with her.  I'm not touching the planning her own party thing, but she's crazy to think that they'll all do everything together every moment.
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
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    edited April 7
    I think she WAS a poster here.  We all told her that she couldn't have a Bachelorette party (in Mexico) with people who were not invited to her wedding, remember?  I think it was the same person, only this time she edited her information.

    You can email Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com.  I did.
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  • Okay, so when H and I went on a weekend vacation with my bosses (celebration for doing well at Christmas, they're cool and I swear it's less weird than it sounds) they totally went hiking early in the morning, probably even earlier than 8.

    HOWEVER, they knew we would skip it even if we weren't hungover and didn't care. We planned to meet up for dinner and drinks that evening and could do whatever during the day.

    That said, LW ought never have planned her own party/trip and asked other people to spend money on it. The trip we went on was planned mutually and paid for by the company.
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    charlotte989875OurWildKingdom
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    I think she missed the point of the occasion- if you want to go into the wilderness don't invite your party-hearty friends. I suspect her friends will think she's being rude and standoffish to just leave at 8am for a hike when they've come all this way to spend time with her. 
    Right? If she wants to get up early and hike, she should have invited people who like to get up early and hike too.
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    How can I explain to the girls that if they want to go out all night, that’s fine, but I will be leaving at 8 a.m. for my activities and they’ll be left behind if they’re still hung over and nowhere near ready? 

    No need to explain. If a bride told me she was leaving at 8am for an activity that I had no interest in doing while on vacation, I would say "Okay have fun! See you when you get back from your hike! I'll be on the beach/at the pool/having a margarita."

    Also - was anyone else bothered by how often she kept referring to her friends as bossy? Her whole tone about this trip and her supposed nearest and dearest friends just struck me as self-important, condescending, and rude. 
    LW definitely sounds like a classic case of, "You spot it, you got it."
    sparklepants41
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