Customs and Traditions

Dad not walking me

So I think I've decided to either 1. Walk down the aisle on my own or 2. Walk with FI. I don't know how to approach this with my dad, and know that it's a very "know your crowd thing" but I'm just seeking some advice. 

My main problem is, my dad lies. He lies about feelings, situations, everything. He lies ALL the time and I know he does, and he knows I know he does, but still does it. It doesn't bother me a lot of the time, but what I'm concerned about is I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I think he will either 1. Lie and say they aren't hurt 2. Find a reason not to attend the wedding (and lie about that too).

Speaking with him in person isn't an option (as far as I can tell right now), what would be the best way to approach it? And when should I (timeline wise)?

Re: Dad not walking me

  • I don't understand what you want here. Say his feelings are hurt. You want him to tell you the truth about that? Why? You aren't changing your mind so what would the purpose be. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • So I think I've decided to either 1. Walk down the aisle on my own or 2. Walk with FI. I don't know how to approach this with my dad, and know that it's a very "know your crowd thing" but I'm just seeking some advice. 

    My main problem is, my dad lies. He lies about feelings, situations, everything. He lies ALL the time and I know he does, and he knows I know he does, but still does it. It doesn't bother me a lot of the time, but what I'm concerned about is I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I think he will either 1. Lie and say they aren't hurt 2. Find a reason not to attend the wedding (and lie about that too).

    Speaking with him in person isn't an option (as far as I can tell right now), what would be the best way to approach it? And when should I (timeline wise)?
    Are you prepared for how you'd feel about him not attending your wedding? I'm not saying that you should allow him to walk with you, but just to process that scenario now.

    I walked by myself because I didn't really have a relationship with my dad. He seemed to accept my decision until the morning of our wedding day when he called to say he wouldn't be coming to the ceremony because he wasn't escorting me. I said that was his decision and went to see DH (we were in the same hotel, but not staying in the same room) after the call to talk it through with him and feel his support. I'm glad I stood firm because I'm sure I'd have felt worse giving in to his ultimatum and regretted it.
    SP29emmaaa
  • ellamberellamber
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    Thanks for the replies! While this is a decision I made, if his feelings were hurt and he really and truly wanted to walk me, I'd be fine with it. Reasons why I prefer he doesn't is simply because I'd rather just go it alone. I have a somewhat positive relationship with him when we do interact, but I haven't seen him in several years and for the most part, he's not a huge part of my life. He's my dad and I love him, but I just feel uncomfortable with my dad walking me down the aisle since he really isn't an active participant in my life.

    For those that mentioned about 2. not attending the wedding: There's a huge possibility this might occur anyway. My mom and my dad do not get along, and he will not attend events when she is there (the birth of my niece for example). If he chooses not to attend because of whatever reasons he thinks of, then whatever, but I don't want to be the reason he's not attending. That's all. I guess I'll just bring it up next time I talk to him and see what he says.
  • You might want to consider walking down the aisle with your FI.  This way, there will be an arm to steady you if you should need one.  (How high are your heels?)  My sister did this, and it was lovely.  As for Dad, you are not responsible for his feelings as long as you tell him your plans.

    Many Knotties know that I was a church organist for many years.  I remember one wedding that was delayed nearly an hour because FOB didn't show up.  The groomsmen all jumped into their cars and scoured the local bars until they found him.  He was too drunk to escort his daughter.  That poor bride should have made alternative plans, too.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • ellamberellamber
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    I think I'm going to let him know next time I talk to him and go from there. I guess since I don't feel that strongly about it (not a hill I'd die on, so to speak) that I would want him to be truthful with me about how that makes him feel, because I would change my mind. 

    I don't have my shoes yet, but don't plan on having super high heels. FI is good with the idea of walking me, but we will see how it goes. I think I will either walk with him or on my own, I don't want my dad to feel like I'm trying to replace him or make some sort of statement.
  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Your choice with what you decide to do. Personally, if you have decided not to walk with him, I wouldn't bring it up unless he asks. It is your decision alone as to who, if anyone, walks you down the aisle. It is an antiquated tradition and there are no rules (yes, I did walk down the aisle with my dad).

    My friend did not invite her dad to her wedding. At the start of the ceremony, she met her FI at the start of the aisle and they walked up to the officiant together. I thought it was lovely- a true mutual choice and union.

    But it sounds like you are more looking to fish around and see what his feelings are. Perhaps directly ask him how he would feel about walking you down the aisle versus you walking down yourself or with your FI? Or ask him if he would like to be involved in the ceremony in anyway- he may state he hoped/thought he'd be walking you down the aisle, or say nothing at all, or perhaps suggest a reading or blessing.

  • SP29 said:

    Your choice with what you decide to do. Personally, if you have decided not to walk with him, I wouldn't bring it up unless he asks. It is your decision alone as to who, if anyone, walks you down the aisle. It is an antiquated tradition and there are no rules (yes, I did walk down the aisle with my dad).

    My friend did not invite her dad to her wedding. At the start of the ceremony, she met her FI at the start of the aisle and they walked up to the officiant together. I thought it was lovely- a true mutual choice and union.

    But it sounds like you are more looking to fish around and see what his feelings are. Perhaps directly ask him how he would feel about walking you down the aisle versus you walking down yourself or with your FI? Or ask him if he would like to be involved in the ceremony in anyway- he may state he hoped/thought he'd be walking you down the aisle, or say nothing at all, or perhaps suggest a reading or blessing.


    I'm going to see if I can get his thoughts on it before making it sound like I've come to a decision. Like I mentioned, I would like to walk alone, but I don't have a lot of particular reasons why other than that's my preference. If it's going to offend him or make him sad, I'll walk with him. Makes me sound wishy washy but I am wishy washy so its all good. Again, there's also the possibility he won't go as well, which would make the decision for me.
  • adk19adk19
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member




    SP29 said:


    Your choice with what you decide to do. Personally, if you have decided not to walk with him, I wouldn't bring it up unless he asks. It is your decision alone as to who, if anyone, walks you down the aisle. It is an antiquated tradition and there are no rules (yes, I did walk down the aisle with my dad).

    My friend did not invite her dad to her wedding. At the start of the ceremony, she met her FI at the start of the aisle and they walked up to the officiant together. I thought it was lovely- a true mutual choice and union.

    But it sounds like you are more looking to fish around and see what his feelings are. Perhaps directly ask him how he would feel about walking you down the aisle versus you walking down yourself or with your FI? Or ask him if he would like to be involved in the ceremony in anyway- he may state he hoped/thought he'd be walking you down the aisle, or say nothing at all, or perhaps suggest a reading or blessing.




    I'm going to see if I can get his thoughts on it before making it sound like I've come to a decision. Like I mentioned, I would like to walk alone, but I don't have a lot of particular reasons why other than that's my preference. If it's going to offend him or make him sad, I'll walk with him. Makes me sound wishy washy but I am wishy washy so its all good. Again, there's also the possibility he won't go as well, which would make the decision for me.


    Does this even have to be a decision  that is made ahead of time?  Plan on walking alone and if he greets you at the start of the aisle with his arm out, allow him to escort you.  If you're wishywashy anyway, just roll with it.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    adk19 said:








    SP29 said:



    Your choice with what you decide to do. Personally, if you have decided not to walk with him, I wouldn't bring it up unless he asks. It is your decision alone as to who, if anyone, walks you down the aisle. It is an antiquated tradition and there are no rules (yes, I did walk down the aisle with my dad).

    My friend did not invite her dad to her wedding. At the start of the ceremony, she met her FI at the start of the aisle and they walked up to the officiant together. I thought it was lovely- a true mutual choice and union.

    But it sounds like you are more looking to fish around and see what his feelings are. Perhaps directly ask him how he would feel about walking you down the aisle versus you walking down yourself or with your FI? Or ask him if he would like to be involved in the ceremony in anyway- he may state he hoped/thought he'd be walking you down the aisle, or say nothing at all, or perhaps suggest a reading or blessing.






    I'm going to see if I can get his thoughts on it before making it sound like I've come to a decision. Like I mentioned, I would like to walk alone, but I don't have a lot of particular reasons why other than that's my preference. If it's going to offend him or make him sad, I'll walk with him. Makes me sound wishy washy but I am wishy washy so its all good. Again, there's also the possibility he won't go as well, which would make the decision for me.




    Does this even have to be a decision  that is made ahead of time?  Plan on walking alone and if he greets you at the start of the aisle with his arm out, allow him to escort you.  If you're wishywashy anyway, just roll with it.


    @amberdaisy1005, are you planning on having a rehearsal?  That would be the time for discovery.  If you prefer to walk alone, then do as @adk19 suggests and begin the walk alone.  If your dad is still hanging around, or makes gestures as if he expects to take your arm, be prepared to have a response then.

    If it were me, I would make a firm decision prior to the evening before my wedding and handle it accordingly.

  • MobKaz said:



    adk19 said:












    SP29 said:




    Your choice with what you decide to do. Personally, if you have decided not to walk with him, I wouldn't bring it up unless he asks. It is your decision alone as to who, if anyone, walks you down the aisle. It is an antiquated tradition and there are no rules (yes, I did walk down the aisle with my dad).

    My friend did not invite her dad to her wedding. At the start of the ceremony, she met her FI at the start of the aisle and they walked up to the officiant together. I thought it was lovely- a true mutual choice and union.

    But it sounds like you are more looking to fish around and see what his feelings are. Perhaps directly ask him how he would feel about walking you down the aisle versus you walking down yourself or with your FI? Or ask him if he would like to be involved in the ceremony in anyway- he may state he hoped/thought he'd be walking you down the aisle, or say nothing at all, or perhaps suggest a reading or blessing.








    I'm going to see if I can get his thoughts on it before making it sound like I've come to a decision. Like I mentioned, I would like to walk alone, but I don't have a lot of particular reasons why other than that's my preference. If it's going to offend him or make him sad, I'll walk with him. Makes me sound wishy washy but I am wishy washy so its all good. Again, there's also the possibility he won't go as well, which would make the decision for me.






    Does this even have to be a decision  that is made ahead of time?  Plan on walking alone and if he greets you at the start of the aisle with his arm out, allow him to escort you.  If you're wishywashy anyway, just roll with it.




    @amberdaisy1005, are you planning on having a rehearsal?  That would be the time for discovery.  If you prefer to walk alone, then do as @adk19 suggests and begin the walk alone.  If your dad is still hanging around, or makes gestures as if he expects to take your arm, be prepared to have a response then.

    If it were me, I would make a firm decision prior to the evening before my wedding and handle it accordingly.


    We are probably having a rehearsal. And it isn't something I need to figure out ahead of time, but I do feel if I come to a decision I should let him know, before the rehearsal. It's not something I'd want to surprise him with. I'm more worried that if he feels he doesn't have a "purpose" he just won't come. If he needs that, then I'm happy to have him walk me because I do still want him there. 
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