Cancel Formal Wedding and have a private ceremony?

rzewat01

After starting the wedding planning=(we put a deposit on a venue and planner,  i bought my dress, and sent the STDs) my FI and I have decided that a large wedding isnt really what we want to begin our life together. Plus it didn't help that 3 out of 5 maids dropped out and the grooms BM and neither side has showed any interest in the big day (not a big deal but annoying as some things are in wedding planning) and a majority invited already mentioned they may not attend because its a Friday on labor day weekend. With 5 months away, we are deciding to just go to Hawaii for our honeymoon extended and have a private ceremony while there. 

I was trying to think of a way to still celebrate with friends and family and since the STDs went out---maybe just having a little dinner at a brewery to share photos and such with family and friends, no gifts we didn't really want to register for anything anyways. I was hoping to still celebrate on the day I had people STD (sept 1st). Do you guys think it will be too much to plan a private ceremony  in Aug last minute in Hawaii, get invites out announcing the marriage AND the after celebration, and planning the celebration dinner? Should I send the a notice that the wedding is cancelled but we are getting married abroad and celebrating after? I know some people may be hurt, happens whether we have a formal wedding home, but i want to make the transition as smooth as possible.Any tips would be great!

STARMOON44

Yeah I think it's fine to cancel, but then actually cancel. Still having the celebration on the same day doesn't sound like cancelling at all and doesn't really solve any of your problems. 

southernbelle0915

rzewat01 said:

After starting the wedding planning=(we put a deposit on a venue and planner,  i bought my dress, and sent the STDs) my FI and I have decided that a large wedding isnt really what we want to begin our life together. Plus it didn't help that 3 out of 5 maids dropped out and the grooms BM and neither side has showed any interest in the big day (not a big deal but annoying as some things are in wedding planning) and a majority invited already mentioned they may not attend because its a Friday on labor day weekend. With 5 months away, we are deciding to just go to Hawaii for our honeymoon extended and have a private ceremony while there. 

I was trying to think of a way to still celebrate with friends and family and since the STDs went out---maybe just having a little dinner at a brewery to share photos and such with family and friends, no gifts we didn't really want to register for anything anyways. I was hoping to still celebrate on the day I had people STD (sept 1st). Do you guys think it will be too much to plan a private ceremony  in Aug last minute in Hawaii, get invites out announcing the marriage AND the after celebration, and planning the celebration dinner? Should I send the a notice that the wedding is cancelled but we are getting married abroad and celebrating after? I know some people may be hurt, happens whether we have a formal wedding home, but i want to make the transition as smooth as possible.Any tips would be great!

1) I think you can 100% plan a lovely private ceremony in Hawaii and a dinner at home in 4 months. Absolutely. Many people plan full-on weddings in less time. 

2) You should send wedding cancellations to everyone who got an STD. Technically the STD was for a wedding - STDs aren't really transferable for any event you might have on that day.

3) Call the people you want at the celebration dinner and explain the situation (WITHOUT the drama/reasons you stated above) "Hi Aunt Ruth, we decided to get married at a private ceremony in Hawaii and have a small dinner with family and friends back home. The dinner will still be on September 1st, but it'll just be a celebration dinner. Hope you can come!" This is a verbal STD and an explanation. Then send invites for the dinner 4-6 weeks in advance.

I would caution you on making this decision vindictively though. It sounds like you are in a people-aren't-making-as-big-a-deal-as-I-think-they-should-so-F-it-all funk. Think this through before you throw in the towel on your original plans. 

SP29

Yes, you can cancel your current plans and have a private ceremony in Hawaii. Go for it, if that is really what you and your FI want.

But you do need to send cancellation notes to whoever received a STD ASAP. Just a simple, "The wedding of Mary Smith and James Jones will not take place as planned". No explanations needed.

If you want to send marriage announcements to your friends and family letting them know you were married in a private ceremony, you can do that too, but not required. Marriage announcements are sent quickly after the wedding (usually a day or two after). It is again a simple notice that, "Mary Smith and James Jones were wed in a private ceremony on August 15th 2017 in Hawaii".

You can plan a celebration dinner. This is a separate event though, so you need separate invitations for it.

The big thing, is that these are all separate things/events (the cancellation, marriage announcement, celebration dinner invitation) and should be treated separately. @CMGragain is the wording expert.

CMGragain

Just a note about the wording of a formal wedding announcement.

Bride's Full Name

and

Groom's Full Name

announce their marriage

Date of ceremony

City, Hawaii

That is all.  No information or photos.  These should be sent after your ceremony, perhaps on the same day.  You can have them pre-addressed and ready to mail.
Wedding announcements do not mean that the recipients should send you a gift.  You should receive some nice cards of congratulations, though.  This is just a nice way of letting people know that you are now married.

I came very close to cancelling my own wedding plans and eloping.  I am glad I stuck it out.  I think I would have been bitter if I had let family stop me from what I really wanted to do.  Only you and your FI can decide what is right for you.

Cancellation wording:  "The wedding of Bride and Groom will not take place as previously announced."  That is all.  No details.  Word of mouth in the family grapevine will take care of things.  Be careful not to say anything negative because it WILL get repeated.  Just say, "John and I really wanted a simple ceremony, and Hawaii is so romantic!"

Any after wedding celebrations will be a completely separate event.  They are not a part of your wedding.  Treat it as you would any party. It is OK to show off your honeymoon photos.  No wedding traditions, though, or anything wedding. 

AddieCake

Just cancel, do your private ceremony, and send announcements afterward. Don't try to plan some sort of replacement party. 

LadyCatherineDB

The best man and three bridesmaids all dropped out?

lovesclimbing

Re: cancelling. PP's have given good advice on how to cancel it and have a private ceremony.

Re: people dropping out. Being a bridesmaid or being a groomsman should not put extra pressure on them. Their only duties are to show up to the wedding in the chosen attire (selected within the lowest budget provided when you asked for their budgets beforehand), walk down the aisle and smile for photos. Were there any extra projects or duties they were asked or expected to perform such as helping plan, host parties or spend extra money beyond the outfit? It just seems quite odd to me that so many of your wedding party would just drop out for no reason. I have been in three weddings, and I have never felt the need to drop out, even for ones that have involved travel. 

Re: people not coming. Unfortunately, this is often the price you pay when you choose to have a holiday-weekend wedding. While it may seem like a great idea and that you are giving them extra travel time, some people won't want to give up their extended weekend and potentially longstanding annual plans for a wedding unless they are very close family, and this seems to be the case with your wedding.

Re: having a celebration dinner on Sept. 1. Why? You will be in the exact same boat you are now. People who have told you they aren't coming for the wedding are not likely to change their minds and attend the celebration dinner. You will have just as many people declining the invitation. In all likelihood, you will have more people declining the dinner invitation because people tend to place a higher priority on weddings than "just" a dinner.

MesmrEwe

O.k. IMO - if you're going to have a party after the fact, keep your date/plans as it currently is.  By planning your wedding on a Friday, you knew this would be the case from the start, js.  Also, depending on your contract with the venue and such, you may be out more than the deposit.  IMO, I'd rather show up to a beautiful venue with lots of extra space where you had to upgrade to meet the minimums than be asked to fly to Hawaii for a "Private Ceremony" then attend a dinner later on.  If you're going to elope instead, that's one thing, but if you think of your guests and their budgets, keep things as you planned and if people can't attend, NBD, those that consider your wedding a priority and able will be there for all or some of the day.  As for WP cancelling out, relax.  Remember, the only responsibility of the WP is to show up relatively sober the day of the wedding in the designated attire (chosen within their budget).  Your wedding is not going to be a priority for anyone but you, any help extended/offered BY THEM should be treated with the utmost of gratitude and not "taken advantage" (i.e. treat them poorly) of in accepting.  

mollybarker11

There is nothing wrong with cancelling your wedding and having a private ceremony instead. And there is nothing wrong with planning a small celebration dinner. However, cancelling the wedding means the STD becomes irrelevant so it isn't necessary to plan the dinner for that same date. As PPs mentioned, you still might have declines since it's a Friday and a holiday weekend (we suggest running the date by any VIPs before booking venues).

Also I'm not sure whether it's an etiquette issue but it personally seems odd to have it on the same date. To me it runs the risk of feeling like a make-up version of your original reception plans, which would take away from the event's atmosphere. I'd opt to throw a Labour Day cookout at home if you still want a get-together with family and friends that weekend. Repositioning it this way will avoid it seeming like a consolation prize. I am generally A-OK with AHRs (at home receptions) as a planned part of a destination wedding but when you're cancelling your wedding and making new plans like this it doesn't make sense.

Good luck and enjoy beautiful Hawaii!

DrillSergeantCat

You planned a wedding on a Friday before a Monday holiday. You were essentially asking for people to take at least one additional day off. Many companies require you work the day before and the day after a holiday to get paid, so you were asking for people to take these days unpaid. That's why they declined. 

Cancel and go get married in Hawaii if you want. But change the date of your dinner since people have already told you that date is problematic for them.

redoryx

LadyCatherineDB said:

The best man and three bridesmaids all dropped out?

Yes, I'm curious if they knew the date before agreeing to be in the WP.