Moms and Maids

Bratty Bridesmaid..?

So I have a bridesmaid who I was even hesitant to ask but we have been friends for 10 years and I felt bad not asking her. She was very excited when I asked and was even coming up with ideas to plan my Bachelorette and bridal shower. I guess she didn't realize she wasn't the MOH and when she found out she immediately stopped being supportive about the wedding and instead makes jabs at everything I'm doing. From complaining about the jewelry I was going to buy for them, to the dress, timing of the wedding and reception, and more. Since I asked them to pay for their dresses I was not going to require anyone to have their hair or makeup professionally done, this made her mad because "doing your own hair and makeup is no fun". Then I was considering getting a bus or limo for the bridal party to have a little fun in before the reception but I was concerned because I didn't want everyone to be drunk and obnoxious before the reception. She said "well I guess people I hang out with usually start drinking in the morning of their wedding". Nothing I do makes her happy and she pretty much always has a snarky comment. Am I being overly sensitive? How should I handle this before I become a bridezilla and say something I will regret? 

Re: Bratty Bridesmaid..?

  • It's a 90 minute gap between the end of the ceremony and the start of cocktail hour, my church wouldn't allow our ceremony to start any later. I have a plan worked out so my guest don't have to just wait around but I was trying to find a good plan for my bridal party.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    So I have a bridesmaid who I was even hesitant to ask but we have been friends for 10 years and I felt bad not asking her. She was very excited when I asked and was even coming up with ideas to plan my Bachelorette and bridal shower. I guess she didn't realize she wasn't the MOH and when she found out she immediately stopped being supportive about the wedding and instead makes jabs at everything I'm doing. From complaining about the jewelry I was going to buy for them, to the dress, timing of the wedding and reception, and more. Since I asked them to pay for their dresses I was not going to require anyone to have their hair or makeup professionally done, this made her mad because "doing your own hair and makeup is no fun". Then I was considering getting a bus or limo for the bridal party to have a little fun in before the reception but I was concerned because I didn't want everyone to be drunk and obnoxious before the reception. She said "well I guess people I hang out with usually start drinking in the morning of their wedding". Nothing I do makes her happy and she pretty much always has a snarky comment. Am I being overly sensitive? How should I handle this before I become a bridezilla and say something I will regret? 
    It's a 90 minute gap between the end of the ceremony and the start of cocktail hour, my church wouldn't allow our ceremony to start any later. I have a plan worked out so my guest don't have to just wait around but I was trying to find a good plan for my bridal party.
    Just stop engaging with her.

    What's the plan for the guests? The gap is your real problem. I'm Catholic and many people I know have had this issue, but it's hella rude to make your guests wait this time without hosting them, and closing the gap (i.e. moving up your reception or hosting the gap somehow) should be top priority.

    Anniversary

    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • My FMIL is having people over for refreshments. But my time gap isn't my worry as I have it figured out. My bridesmaid's behavior is the problem.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    edited April 2017
    My FMIL is having people over for refreshments. But my time gap isn't my worry as I have it figured out. My bridesmaid's behavior is the problem.
    That seems like an okay setup. They're being hosted, so that's good. It's not ideal, though. Much, much better would be starting your reception earlier. It can be done. Do it for the sake of your guests. ETA - I went to a wedding where the bride's parents hosted something at their house in the gap, and it was really more of a hassle than anything. People just want to be able to go right to the reception.

    Like I said, stop engaging with her. Sure, you have to communicate some of this stuff, but all she really needs to know is where to be and when. You don't have to talk with her about all the details of the wedding plan, and then she can't complain about them. If she asks, answer. If she complains, "Sorry you feel that way. Have you tried the bean dip?" (i.e. change the subject). It doesn't really affect you, so don't let it bother you. Talk to her about whatever you would talk with her about before you were engaged, and hopefully your friendship will be okay.

    Anniversary

    SP29OurWildKingdom
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
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    My FMIL is having people over for refreshments. But my time gap isn't my worry as I have it figured out. My bridesmaid's behavior is the problem.
    It should be your problem. Start your cocktail hour immediately after your ceremony. Gaps are incredibly rude. 
    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdomMyNameIsNot
  • browndog17browndog17
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    edited April 2017
    @LondonLisa It's not because I have it figured out. But thank you. 
  • browndog17browndog17
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    edited April 2017
    @flantastic Thank you for that idea. I just feel like I want to share all the details but when I get the snarky responses it bums me out and makes me second guess things. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    It's not because I have it figured out. But thank you. 
    But you don't, at least not in a way that satisfactorily considers your guests' comfort, which should be top priority. Why can't your reception start earlier? I had a 2 PM wedding and my reception started in the afternoon, because that's how you avoid a gap. It was still fun. People partied, had dinner, the whole bit.

    Anniversary

    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • The logistics of everything stresses me out sorry I get a little Cranky about it lol. That is an idea, maybe cocktail to start at 4 as the ceremony will be over around 3, then time for the receiving line and to drive the 20 minutes to the reception venue, then reception dinner starts at 5? 
  • I was hesitant because we had drifted apart but since our friendship had been so long I felt obligated to ask her in a way. I'm a people pleaser so it's hard for me. I need to quit being so sensitive lol
  • No host wants guests at their party vomiting-on-the-floor-drunk, but your WP's duties end after the ceremony.  If they want to start partying they may.  You don't have to provide a party bus or limo for them to do so, but you also can't stop them.  For hair and makeup, if a bride requires it professionally done, she has to pay.  You don't have to provide this, but I'm not sure what's stopping your BM from just getting it professionally done herself.  You don't have to pay for BP dresses but you did have to select one below the lowest budget of all the BM's.  And anyone can plan pre-wedding parties...I'm not sure what's stopping your BM from co-planning with your MOH.
    I see fault on both ends, but if you feel she's being overly snarky over every last thing, stop wedding talk with her.  One simple "please be at ABC church at 3" text, and then go back to your regularly scheduled friendship and talk about whatever you talked about before you were engaged.
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensSP29OurWildKingdom
  • I think she's angry that she isn't the MOH and that's where the snark and lack of caring has come from, prior to her finding out that she wasn't the MOH she was all about wedding stuff. I don't know how it got misconstrued that she thought I hadn't asked someone to be my MOH but I feel that's where the problem stems from. And I don't care if they drink but her goal was to be drunk, which is fine, but not before the ceremony and pictures. I just need to learn how to change the subject or if I am going to tell her things I need to get a little tougher. I just am always happy for my friends and I expect it in return which is naive of me I suppose.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    The logistics of everything stresses me out sorry I get a little Cranky about it lol. That is an idea, maybe cocktail to start at 4 as the ceremony will be over around 3, then time for the receiving line and to drive the 20 minutes to the reception venue, then reception dinner starts at 5? 
    I think that'll work.
    I think she's angry that she isn't the MOH and that's where the snark and lack of caring has come from, prior to her finding out that she wasn't the MOH she was all about wedding stuff. I don't know how it got misconstrued that she thought I hadn't asked someone to be my MOH but I feel that's where the problem stems from. And I don't care if they drink but her goal was to be drunk, which is fine, but not before the ceremony and pictures. I just need to learn how to change the subject or if I am going to tell her things I need to get a little tougher. I just am always happy for my friends and I expect it in return which is naive of me I suppose.
    Yeah, it sucks that she's not being a better friend about this - friends don't have to care about your wedding as much as you do (and they're not going to, it's not their wedding) but they also don't need to complain about things that don't actually cause them great inconvenience.

    Anniversary

    short+sassySP29OurWildKingdom
  • Honestly, I think your BM problem is pretty easy to fix....stop talking to her about the wedding. If you don't share details with her, she can't snub them. When she asks "what are you doing for xyz?" just say "we haven't figured it out yet....how's your new job going?" 

    You're not stopping her from getting her hair and makeup done. If she wants to go get it done, she can, right? It's not like y'all have to move as a pack all day. I presume you aren't meeting more than a couple hours before the ceremony?
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    eileenrobSP29OurWildKingdom
  • So I have a bridesmaid who I was even hesitant to ask but we have been friends for 10 years and I felt bad not asking her. She was very excited when I asked and was even coming up with ideas to plan my Bachelorette and bridal shower. I guess she didn't realize she wasn't the MOH and when she found out she immediately stopped being supportive about the wedding and instead makes jabs at everything I'm doing. Just making sure no one (either yourself or someone else in the party) told her "You aren't the MOH. So you shouldn't be the one to plan these things." As far as you know that didn't happen right?

    From complaining about the jewelry I was going to buy for them (This isn't there gift is it? Jewelry is a personal thing so your supplying it is supplying part of their uniform. They will also need a separate, more personalized gift),
    to the dress (You asked budget right? It's not too expensive? Or possibly a modesty issue? Anything else she probably shouldn't be whining but if you can get any constructive feedback from her and want to be nice you could try to pick a dress everyone feels beautiful in [and that sometimes means a different style for everyone] because some people do have body issues. Again if you're in her budget you don't have to cave, but it's nice not making your best friends spend a ton of money on a dress they feel fat in),
    timing of the wedding and reception --(Was she trying to tell you that a 90 minute gap is too long for guests? Because she's right), and more.
    Since I asked them to pay for their dresses I was not going to require anyone to have their hair or makeup professionally done (Bridal party members should never be required to pay for hair and makeup unless it's their own choice to have it done), this made her mad because "doing your own hair and makeup is no fun". (She's welcome to make her own appointments elsewhere)
    Then I was considering getting a bus or limo for the bridal party to have a little fun in before the reception but I was concerned because I didn't want everyone to be drunk and obnoxious before the reception (Then just have soda? Just one bottle of champagne? Or just trust them to be adults). She said "well I guess people I hang out with usually start drinking in the morning of their wedding". Nothing I do makes her happy and she pretty much always has a snarky comment. Am I being overly sensitive? How should I handle this before I become a bridezilla and say something I will regret? 
    Comments in bold
    InLoveInQueensSP29OurWildKingdom
  • I had one BM snub every freaking detail about the wedding as well.  It put a wedge between us, but ultimately I realized that was just her personality coming through.  There's an old saying "Weddings, Babies, and Funerals bring out the best and worst in people.  As others have suggested - if the wedding comes up as a topic it's time for you to make some good ole'fashioned bean dip out of it.  (i.e. if you've never heard of Bean dip - think if it as masterfully changing subjects immediately)...   Remember sometimes a good "Devil's Advocate" is a good thing to have because it's those who rubber stamp bad ideas that are the way bad etiquette gets perpetuated.  Think about the worst wedding you ever attended.  What were the things that made it THE WORST wedding experience?  Most of "those things" are likely going to be in the category of "Bridal vision over guests".  

    The ladies on here are merely pointing out that since you've got "the gap" that you really need to be properly hosting your guests during that time.  Some of that 90 minutes will be the receiving line, but ultimately, go hang out with your guests after the ceremony, they'd love to get the party started with you!  It's in the "Bridal vision vs. your guests" category.  Everyone gets miffed when the WP is out doing who knows what while the guests are at the reception waiting or wanting their moment of partying/congratulations/dancing with the Happy Couple..  
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    OurWildKingdom
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    @LondonLisa It's not because I have it figured out. But thank you. 


    That was a rude response to someone who was being genuinely helpful. You need to apologize.

    Try asking your bridesmaid about *her* life instead of making your interactions all wedding, all the time.
    InLoveInQueensDrillSergeantCat
  • She just bought a house and I have been talking to her about that a lot since I don't expect to everyone to LOVE talking about my wedding plans. I don't really talk about the wedding unless someone else brings it up so if I told her anything it's because she was curious. Also it is hard to convey tone in an electronic forum so in my head it was not rude but I can see how it came off that way. I don't think I need support to plan a wedding lol it's just fun to talk about for her and it can be for me too. I of course talk to my fiancee about this stuff but he doesn't understand the difference between colors so it's nice to have a woman's opinion on things from time to time, which will henceforth be coming from my sisters/bridesmaids. And as far as the gap goes I have changed times around so that issue is now solved :smile: still haven't figured out that "overly drunk people" situation, trusting them to act like adults may be expecting too much lol. 
    Moppet82
  • SP29SP29
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    She just bought a house and I have been talking to her about that a lot since I don't expect to everyone to LOVE talking about my wedding plans. I don't really talk about the wedding unless someone else brings it up so if I told her anything it's because she was curious. Also it is hard to convey tone in an electronic forum so in my head it was not rude but I can see how it came off that way. I don't think I need support to plan a wedding lol it's just fun to talk about for her and it can be for me too. I of course talk to my fiancee about this stuff but he doesn't understand the difference between colors so it's nice to have a woman's opinion on things from time to time, which will henceforth be coming from my sisters/bridesmaids. And as far as the gap goes I have changed times around so that issue is now solved :smile: still haven't figured out that "overly drunk people" situation, trusting them to act like adults may be expecting too much lol. 


    Glad you have adjusted your timing to clear the gap- that will cut down on the overly drunkeness- as your WP and guests won't be drinking because they are bored without anything else to do. As for the morning of- if she and others are getting ready with you, simply don't serve alcohol. Of course you can't prevent her from bringing her own, but hopefully she'll follow the vibe of everyone else. If she brings it up again, you could say something like, "Oh well I wasn't planning on serving alcohol/ only having mimosas as there is an open bar at the reception, so I doubt there will be much drinking". Otherwise, she is an adult, there isn't much more you can do except trust the bartender to cut her off when appropriate.
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875InLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • @annmarieandlarry please stop spamming the boards with these videos!
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