You need an objective 3rd party*, stat. (*but yay self-awareness)

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am the oldest of four children ranging in age from 31 to 22. My dad died four years ago and my mother has only recently started dating. I know I should be happy for her but I am having a hard time with it. I avoided meeting her boyfriend for the longest time but I finally had dinner with them several weeks ago. He’s nice enough but it doesn’t make this any easier for me. I don’t really understand why I’m so angry about it, but I am. I try to put on a brave face when he’s around or when Mom talks about him, but I’m afraid my resentment is going to leak out. My siblings seem to tentatively approve of him, and I haven’t asked them what they truly think because I feel obligated to set a good example. I’m doing my best to appear supportive but it’s wearing on me. My mom is a wonderful woman and has every right to move on but when I see her with this guy, internally I’m screaming NO, WRONG, NO! Any idea how I can get past this?

—Shouldn’t Feel This Way

MissKittyDanger

Counseling.

Honestly, I feel for the LW. Currently my mum is at the point of "never dating again" but I know there's a possibility it could happen.

Personally I'd be feeling the same was as LW. Want mum to be happy, but at the same time wanting to rebel because at the end of the day - that guy isn't the dad. It's some new guy, and even if that's not even a thought, part of me and LW will always be wondering if this guy is trying to take his place.


I've already planned that if my mum decides to date, I will visit a counselor on how to deal with these feelings and accept that despite what my brain thinks.

DrillSergeantCat

I had to have this talk with my H about his mom. She's lonely and is starting to think about meeting someone. She actually told me she'd like to meet someone but doesn't know where to start. He adamantly denies that she wants a man in her life. I'm just trying to prepare him for the inevitable, but I do worry what will happen.

kvruns

While I haven't gone through this myself, my H did and his dad has been remarried for like 16 years and he still hasn't completely accepted it since it isn't his mom. Now his situation is different in the sense that remarriage came with a cross country move so he feels like his dad abandonned him but I do think LW needs to sort out why this makes him/her so angry

short+sassy

My sister and I were discussing this topic the last time I was visiting my hometown.  My mom started dating another man about a year after my father passed away.  I was already moved to NOLA at that time, but my younger sister was still living at home.

He was the only man my mom dated.  They dated for many years and then got married.  He's a great guy and I really like him.  I've always been so glad he came into her life.

But it was a little different for my sister.  She witnessed, much more than I did, that first year or two of dating.  She could have written that letter.  She liked this man and wanted to be happy for our mom, but it was hard for her to see our mom with him.  With that said, over time, she got used to it and it isn't something that has bothered her for a long time.

Oddly enough, the one thing that is sometimes a little weird for me, is when my niece and nephew call him, "Grandpa."  It doesn't bother me, per se.  He certainly deserves the title!  It just sometimes catches me by surprise and it is a little jarring.  My father died many years before they were born.  It reminds me and makes me sad that they'll never know him.   

kimmiinthemitten

A good friend of mine lost her dad 7 years ago.  Her mom has been dating a really nice guy for the last 3, they live together now and as my friend puts it "the kids love him and that's what matters."

MIL still hasn't forgiven her father (who passed away last month) for remarrying, even though his wife "took good care of him."  She was literally talking about it yesterday and he was married to his second wife for over 10 years.

While I've never experienced it, what the LW is experiencing is clearly a thing.  I think she needs to go easy on herself for feeling this way and seek help.

TrixieJess

My stepmom rekindled a relationship after my father died and while I didn't have any issues with it, my little brother is still having problems with the relationship 6 years on. A friend of mine's mother passed and her dad started dating recently, she is all good with the relationship but her sister has major issues. I think a lot of it is how you as the child processes death and grief, and because not everyone processes the same, there is no one answer. I do believe that grief counselling is great for people who are having any problems with the death of a loved one. 

kvruns

short+sassy said:

Oddly enough, the one thing that is sometimes a little weird for me, is when my niece and nephew call him, "Grandpa."  It doesn't bother me, per se.  He certainly deserves the title!  It just sometimes catches me by surprise and it is a little jarring.  My father died many years before they were born.  It reminds me and makes me sad that they'll never know him.   

I feel weird saying "grandma and grandpa" for H's dad/step mom. His mom died 20 years ago, and dad has been remarried now about 16 years so it isn't like any of this is recent. My H still has some issues with it all so I think he doesn't really see her as "grandma" since she isn't biologically related but I still say grandma and grandpa for them I just try not to emphasize grandma if that makes any sense.

DrillSergeantCat

kvruns said:

I feel weird saying "grandma and grandpa" for H's dad/step mom. His mom died 20 years ago, and dad has been remarried now about 16 years so it isn't like any of this is recent. My H still has some issues with it all so I think he doesn't really see her as "grandma" since she isn't biologically related but I still say grandma and grandpa for them I just try not to emphasize grandma if that makes any sense.

I know that feeling. My mom is Memaw and she wants her H to be Poppop, but he often calls himself Pepaw which is problematic for me and my oldest because my dad was Pepaw. In the end, the kids are going to call him whatever comes out of their mouth, but I'm going to try to nix Pepaw.