Moms and Maids

Lordy my mother....

My FI and I are getting married on May 6th, 2017. We are paying for this all on our own. So with that being the case, we planned on doing our flowers ourselves. Well my mother stepped in and said she and my dad would pay for it. She lives out of state. So now instead of just paying for it and letting us do the flowers, she decides to spend 3 times the amount on a florist. This is not my first marriage and my mom basically took over my last wedding and it was her "show". I get a text from the florist that my mom is calling her multiple times, changing the order, asking for flowers that I can't stand and over spending, so when she was given a quote my mom is irate. So the florist asked me to communicate with her this am as to what I want so she makes sure she has a clear vision as to what we need/want and she can quote accordingly. Did that and all resolved. So when I tell this to my mom, she is angered that I butted in, that I should of stayed the hell out of it, that it wasn't resolved til she talked to the florist. Oh mind you last week she told me she hated being married to my dad. I confide in my grandmother and ask her advice on all this and my grandmother takes her side and accuses me of spending too much money. Are we there yet?

Re: Lordy my mother....



  • My FI and I are getting married on May 6th, 2017. We are paying for this all on our own. So with that being the case, we planned on doing our flowers ourselves. Well my mother stepped in and said she and my dad would pay for it. She lives out of state. So now instead of just paying for it and letting us do the flowers, she decides to spend 3 times the amount on a florist. This is not my first marriage and my mom basically took over my last wedding and it was her "show". I get a text from the florist that my mom is calling her multiple times, changing the order, asking for flowers that I can't stand and over spending, so when she was given a quote my mom is irate. So the florist asked me to communicate with her this am as to what I want so she makes sure she has a clear vision as to what we need/want and she can quote accordingly. Did that and all resolved. So when I tell this to my mom, she is angered that I butted in, that I should of stayed the hell out of it, that it wasn't resolved til she talked to the florist. Oh mind you last week she told me she hated being married to my dad. I confide in my grandmother and ask her advice on all this and my grandmother takes her side and accuses me of spending too much money. Are we there yet?


    I think you made an excellent choice by letting your Mom control the flowers.  Give Mom permission to go ahead.  This way, hopefully she will stay out of the rest of your wedding planning. 

    It is not your job to be your mother's therapist.  If she makes any more "confessions" about her marriage, tell her that you can't really help her with this, and that she might want to try a good counselor.  You shouldn't have involved your Grandmother.  This was not cool.  I'm not sure if you mean that you told Granny about the flower issue, or about your parents' marriage.  Either way, you should not have involved her.

    Are the flowers really that important to you?  Personally, I don't think flowers are that big a deal unless I am paying for them.  JMHO.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • edited April 17
    I let my mom in control of the flowers but gave her photos of what we wanted, because it was what we were going to to do if we had done them ourselves. She changed everything to what we wanted to flowers that she wanted and to a style i can't stand. 
    As far as my grandmother. My mom and her live together and mom grandmother already had called me and told me that I was ungrateful and that I need to let my mom decide what I get. My mother involves her in everything and plays the victim. I asked my grandmother advice on how to handle my mother and thats when I got ripped up to shreds. 
    And as far as the flowers, its a give and take. I knew what I wanted and had my heart set on. I relayed this all to my mom and she said she understood. This was why we were doing it ourselves at first. She insisted she wanted to do it and knew what we needed. Then she changed all our ideas. 
  • SP29SP29 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Vent away- but don't expect Mom to change! If Grandmother is always like this, I'd stop seeking her counsel as well.

    In a perfect world, your Mom would want to give you the flowers/bouquets you like, but since she's footing the bill, ultimately it's her say, and if she's the one making the order and paying the florist, the florist should deal with her (or is this an order you already set up with a florist that your Mom is now taking over the cost of?).

    Unless you tell your Mom to never mind, that you'll take care of the flowers (which will probably cause more drama), you're probably going to get the flowers she wants. Do you really care if it's on her dime? At the end of the day- while flowers are pretty and are often in photos, they are just flowers, and I am sure they will look good either way. I would probably let your Mom have this and step out of the decisions- if only so that this is the one and only thing your Mom takes control of. If she asks about anything else- tell her you've got it covered already.
    OurWildKingdom
  • You don't have a lot of time left before your wedding, so here's what you need to think about:

    Which will stress you out more - figuring out the flowers on your own with only a few weeks to go, while also dealing with your mother's unhappiness that you took this away from her, or having flowers at your wedding that you don't particularly like but also didn't have to pay for? 

    I understand that it's frustrating to watch someone plan for things you don't want, but once you accepted your mom's money, you accepted her ideas along with it. As much as it may make you cringe, I think at this point you may need to let it go and let her do her thing with the flowers. It seems like you have some underlying issues with her, and taking this away from her now definitely won't fix them. For what it's worth, as beautiful as my wedding flowers were, a year and a half later, I don't remember too many details of them now and would have to look at my photos if someone asked me for specifics (i.e., do you really want to cause a lot of drama over a detail you may not even remember much about a few years from now?). 

    Note to lurkers: you must, must, must remember that once you accept someone's offer to pay for any part of your wedding, they get a say in that part of the wedding. If you don't expect to like someone's ideas, or if you know the person will be controlling, decline the offer and pay for it yourself.
    image
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875SP29short+sassy
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree with PP, you have 2 options:

    1.) Accept that if your mum pays for flowers, she is going to institute her vision 

    or
    2.) Say 'Thanks for the generous offer, however, we have decided to go our own way.' And pay for the flowers yourself.

    if she took over your last wedding, this can't be a surprise. 
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875InLoveInQueenslevioosa
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers


    You don't have a lot of time left before your wedding, so here's what you need to think about:

    Which will stress you out more - figuring out the flowers on your own with only a few weeks to go, while also dealing with your mother's unhappiness that you took this away from her, or having flowers at your wedding that you don't particularly like but also didn't have to pay for? 

    I understand that it's frustrating to watch someone plan for things you don't want, but once you accepted your mom's money, you accepted her ideas along with it. As much as it may make you cringe, I think at this point you may need to let it go and let her do her thing with the flowers. It seems like you have some underlying issues with her, and taking this away from her now definitely won't fix them. For what it's worth, as beautiful as my wedding flowers were, a year and a half later, I don't remember too many details of them now and would have to look at my photos if someone asked me for specifics (i.e., do you really want to cause a lot of drama over a detail you may not even remember much about a few years from now?). 

    Note to lurkers: you must, must, must remember that once you accept someone's offer to pay for any part of your wedding, they get a say in that part of the wedding. If you don't expect to like someone's ideas, or if you know the person will be controlling, decline the offer and pay for it yourself.


    It may be merely semantics, but those who pay don't "get" a say, but they often will demand or expect it.  I gifted the weddings of both my son and daughter.  My only caveat was that the guests be completely and properly hosted.  If someone offers to pay for any or all of your wedding, you need to discern whether it is a gift or has strings attached.  Strings aren't worth the stress.
    CMGragainSP29MairePoppy
  • How important are flowers to you? Like are you a botanist or floral enthusiast?

    If so, I understand wanting to micro manage your mom's engagement with the florist. And if that is the case, thank her for her offers and efforts and take the process back. 

    If not, let this go. And for the sweet love, do not invite another cook to the kitchen (your grandmother). I would be shocked if your mom is this involved and you don't end up with flowers at your wedding. This is between her and the florist. Let it be. 
    *********************************************************************************

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    charlotte989875banana468
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers




    My FI and I are getting married on May 6th, 2017. We are paying for this all on our own. So with that being the case, we planned on doing our flowers ourselves. Well my mother stepped in and said she and my dad would pay for it. She lives out of state. So now instead of just paying for it and letting us do the flowers, she decides to spend 3 times the amount on a florist. This is not my first marriage and my mom basically took over my last wedding and it was her "show". I get a text from the florist that my mom is calling her multiple times, changing the order, asking for flowers that I can't stand and over spending, so when she was given a quote my mom is irate. So the florist asked me to communicate with her this am as to what I want so she makes sure she has a clear vision as to what we need/want and she can quote accordingly. Did that and all resolved. So when I tell this to my mom, she is angered that I butted in, that I should of stayed the hell out of it, that it wasn't resolved til she talked to the florist. Oh mind you last week she told me she hated being married to my dad. I confide in my grandmother and ask her advice on all this and my grandmother takes her side and accuses me of spending too much money. Are we there yet?




    Money always comes with strings. If your mother took over your first wedding, why did you think anything would be different with this one? 

    I also don't understand why the florist got you involved. That should have been between her and your mother. If your mother is arranging for all of this, I'd just stay out of it. Or, tell her you'll take care of the flowers and refuse her offer. 

    Your mother shouldn't have said that about being married to your dad. But WHY would you ever repeat that to your grandmother? That's incredibly inappropriate, and I don't see what kind of outcome you expected. Basically all you did was create more drama within your family by repeating something like that. 
    image
    charlotte989875
  • edited April 18
    Thank you all for your advice. When this all started we were paying for everything and we set a budget that would of covered this. The flowers were our wedding gift. My mother asked what we wanted and then that would be ordered. Then she dismissed what we liked. The florist contacted me after my mother repeatedly called her and changed the order. And by repeatedly I mean multiple times everyday. And then proceeded to be passive aggressive with the florist. She also stated that what I wanted for flowers didn't matter. She was at her wits end and wanted to know what was needed since my mom was uncooperative. As far as involving my grandmother. What everyone does not know or realize is that for the past month my mom has been telling my grandmother what an ungrateful person i was for the flowers when all I have ever said was thank you. Nor did I get involved until the florist was ready to cancel the order and not give back the deposit. My mother always involves my grandmother and blames me and plays the victim, lies about everything. My grandmother has repeatedly told me to come her to counsel on how to deal with my mom since they LIVE together. And that is what I did. Because the only person who can make my mother knock her dramatics off is my grandmother. I did not want to give her the task of the flowers, i was 100% wanting to do it myself. I even said no multiple times til my grandmother said, "she wants to do it as a gift, get all the things that YOU would love to have." The issue I have about the flowers is that i was clear. My mom's idea for our wedding is not what my fiance and I wanted. And after the florist repeatedly calling me and my mom being a tyrant, I did a last resort. I do not expect anyone here to really understand all this or my family dynamic. Nor do I expect anyone here to have a mom who continuously plays the victim card and send you multiple mean text messages and the only way to make it stop is to call your grandmother. In the perfect world, this would of never happened. I am a single mom paying for her wedding with her fiance and doing the best that I can.  And you are all right, if she has been this way in the past, I should expect it in all things in future. But i stupidly hope for the best. 
    I guess I hoped for more support out of this group than to feel torn apart. 



  • Thank you all for your advice. When this all started we were paying for everything and we set a budget that would of covered this. The flowers were our wedding gift. My mother asked what we wanted and then that would be ordered. Then she dismissed what we liked. The florist contacted me after my mother repeatedly called her and changed the order. And by repeatedly I mean multiple times everyday. And then proceeded to be passive aggressive with the florist. She also stated that what I wanted for flowers didn't matter. She was at her wits end and wanted to know what was needed since my mom was uncooperative. As far as involving my grandmother. What everyone does not know or realize is that for the past month my mom has been telling my grandmother what an ungrateful person i was for the flowers when all I have ever said was thank you. Nor did I get involved until the florist was ready to cancel the order and not give back the deposit. My mother always involves my grandmother and blames me and plays the victim, lies about everything. My grandmother has repeatedly told me to come her to counsel on how to deal with my mom since they LIVE together. And that is what I did. Because the only person who can make my mother knock her dramatics off is my grandmother. I did not want to give her the task of the flowers, i was 100% wanting to do it myself. I even said no multiple times til my grandmother said, "she wants to do it as a gift, get all the things that YOU would love to have." The issue I have about the flowers is that i was clear. My mom's idea for our wedding is not what my fiance and I wanted. And after the florist repeatedly calling me and my mom being a tyrant, I did a last resort. I do not expect anyone here to really understand all this or my family dynamic. Nor do I expect anyone here to have a mom who continuously plays the victim card and send you multiple mean text messages and the only way to make it stop is to call your grandmother. In the perfect world, this would of never happened. I am a single mom paying for her wedding with her fiance and doing the best that I can.  And you are all right, if she has been this way in the past, I should expect it in all things in future. But i stupidly hope for the best. 
    I guess I hoped for more support out of this group than to feel torn apart. 



    You can refuse a gift, and it sounds like your mother is a manipulator who is using you and your grandmother. It sounds like serious boundaries with serious consequences are needed when it comes to your mother's behavior. That way you can stop the behavior and not need your grandmother's help.

    For me, mean texts would mean that Mom would be blocked on my phone until she ceased such behavior. Harrassing the florist means she's not in charge of flowers, and if she calls to complain or argue, you disengage by hanging up. If she's at your home and acts up, you ask her to leave. If you are at her house and she acts up, you leave. Eventually she'll figure out the manipulation doesn't play with you.
    InLoveInQueenscharlotte989875SP29
  • justsiejustsie member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer


    Thank you all for your advice. When this all started we were paying for everything and we set a budget that would of covered this. The flowers were our wedding gift. My mother asked what we wanted and then that would be ordered. Then she dismissed what we liked. The florist contacted me after my mother repeatedly called her and changed the order. And by repeatedly I mean multiple times everyday. And then proceeded to be passive aggressive with the florist. She also stated that what I wanted for flowers didn't matter. She was at her wits end and wanted to know what was needed since my mom was uncooperative. As far as involving my grandmother. What everyone does not know or realize is that for the past month my mom has been telling my grandmother what an ungrateful person i was for the flowers when all I have ever said was thank you. Nor did I get involved until the florist was ready to cancel the order and not give back the deposit. My mother always involves my grandmother and blames me and plays the victim, lies about everything. My grandmother has repeatedly told me to come her to counsel on how to deal with my mom since they LIVE together. And that is what I did. Because the only person who can make my mother knock her dramatics off is my grandmother. I did not want to give her the task of the flowers, i was 100% wanting to do it myself. I even said no multiple times til my grandmother said, "she wants to do it as a gift, get all the things that YOU would love to have." The issue I have about the flowers is that i was clear. My mom's idea for our wedding is not what my fiance and I wanted. And after the florist repeatedly calling me and my mom being a tyrant, I did a last resort. I do not expect anyone here to really understand all this or my family dynamic. Nor do I expect anyone here to have a mom who continuously plays the victim card and send you multiple mean text messages and the only way to make it stop is to call your grandmother. In the perfect world, this would of never happened. I am a single mom paying for her wedding with her fiance and doing the best that I can.  And you are all right, if she has been this way in the past, I should expect it in all things in future. But i stupidly hope for the best. 
    I guess I hoped for more support out of this group than to feel torn apart. 



    Who tore you apart? Everyone here offered advice and told you to vent away while reminding you of the bolded. 
    Also, we can only go off the information you give us, so if you don't say that grandmother told you to come to her we were supposed to know that how exactly?

    image
    InLoveInQueenslevioosacharlotte989875SP29
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer


    Thank you all for your advice. When this all started we were paying for everything and we set a budget that would of covered this. The flowers were our wedding gift. My mother asked what we wanted and then that would be ordered. Then she dismissed what we liked. The florist contacted me after my mother repeatedly called her and changed the order. And by repeatedly I mean multiple times everyday. And then proceeded to be passive aggressive with the florist. She also stated that what I wanted for flowers didn't matter. She was at her wits end and wanted to know what was needed since my mom was uncooperative. As far as involving my grandmother. What everyone does not know or realize is that for the past month my mom has been telling my grandmother what an ungrateful person i was for the flowers when all I have ever said was thank you. Nor did I get involved until the florist was ready to cancel the order and not give back the deposit. My mother always involves my grandmother and blames me and plays the victim, lies about everything. My grandmother has repeatedly told me to come her to counsel on how to deal with my mom since they LIVE together. And that is what I did. Because the only person who can make my mother knock her dramatics off is my grandmother. I did not want to give her the task of the flowers, i was 100% wanting to do it myself. I even said no multiple times til my grandmother said, "she wants to do it as a gift, get all the things that YOU would love to have." The issue I have about the flowers is that i was clear. My mom's idea for our wedding is not what my fiance and I wanted. And after the florist repeatedly calling me and my mom being a tyrant, I did a last resort. I do not expect anyone here to really understand all this or my family dynamic. Nor do I expect anyone here to have a mom who continuously plays the victim card and send you multiple mean text messages and the only way to make it stop is to call your grandmother. In the perfect world, this would of never happened. I am a single mom paying for her wedding with her fiance and doing the best that I can.  And you are all right, if she has been this way in the past, I should expect it in all things in future. But i stupidly hope for the best. 
    I guess I hoped for more support out of this group than to feel torn apart. 



    pot meet kettle.....

    everyone has tried to help and given you options.

    MyNameIsNotInLoveInQueenscharlotte989875
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    No one has torn you apart. 

    This is the best advice I can give you - stop playing into all this drama. Don't engage with your mom. Don't complain to your grandmother. Full stop. 

    Let your mom choose whatever the hell flowers she wants. She wants to pay for it. Let her handle it. Don't get involved. 
    image
    InLoveInQueenscharlotte989875
  • At this point I think you need to step back and wash your hands of all of it.

    Your mom is a master manipulator.   Let her call this a gift.   She can call it a pony but it doesn't matter.   It's on her.   

    If your wedding day shows up and you don't have flowers, of all things it's probably the least important thing.   Seriously.   I get that we all have our own taste in flowers and I'm thankful that MIL bought ours but didn't tell me what I could get - but they are just flowers.   

    You get to choose your dress, your hair, your shoes and your groom.   So mom gets THIS.   Let it be all on her.   It gives her something to do.

    And if it doesn't work out, you'll still get married.  

    But maybe this is a good lesson moving forward.   Mom doesn't get to do anything else as a "gift" if you have  strong opinion about it and/or care whether or not you get it.   That's not picking you apart - it's more of a good life lesson in lowering expectations. 
    Thenimage Nowimage
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassycharlotte989875SP29
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Your mom pulled a bait and switch on you. 

    Simple solution is you call your mom and say, 'thank you for your generous offer, but we have decided to plan and pay for our own wedding, including the flowers.' Repeat with any further offers of gifts. Let all your vendors know that you and fi are the only people authorized to make changes on any contracts. 

    Also, since mom and grandma have history of tag teaming you, don't involve grandma, either.
                
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • I absolutely understand where you're coming from. My mother tried to B-list guests to my wedding, invite people to my shower that weren't invited to the wedding, host a second shower for me that I wasn't even going to be at; and cried and said I was being unreasonable because the only time she got to see her friends and family were at weddings and funerals. So yah, I have a manipulative mother, too. 

    But boundaries are your friend. You don't need your grandmother to stand up to her, you're a grown ass woman! You can do it. Like @geebee908 said above, stop engaging with her when she acts like that. Don't respond to her behavior. You can only be manipulated if you let yourself be. 
    SP29MairePoppy
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